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Dying for the sins of humanity? Sharing Christian charity? Tolerance and love for fellow human beings?

Oh no, the Christian right have more important things to worry about: In today’s modern world, nothing is too mundane or absurd as to escape the attentions of the crazies of the religious right in their preparations for Armageddon.

Let’s have a quick look at five classic examples from the past few years, shall we?

First of all, one we all might remember: the epitome of Satanic forces at work, corrupting the eternal souls of our children from their very own telly-boxes. Yes, it’s the sinister perfidious purple deviant that is (dramatic pause) Tinky Winky. You heard me – it’s a Teletubbies character.

This foul beast (a) is purple, (b) its aerial – as opposed to the acceptable cranial protrusions of the other Teletubbies- is triangular, and (c) it has a handbag, no less – and cerise-pink into the bargain! Oh indeed, this nefarious being is clearly a serious threat to the moral fibre of society. At no other time in human history has it been more pertinent to ask, “Won’t somebody please think of the children!”

Oh, but the damnation doesn’t end there, no – it’s just the beginning. Who remembers (another dramatic pause) SpongeBob SquarePants?!

If you thought Tinky Winky’s gender-bending ways (what?) were something to worry about, they were nothing compared to SpongeBob’s carry-on with his friend Patrick. (Please ask any children to leave the room before scrolling to this next description.) Would you Adam and Steve it, but Bob the sponge brazenly HELD HANDS with Patrick the star-fish. I mean, if these creatures get the benefit of an evolutionary mutation which provides them with hands (oh, wait – did I mention the E-word?), then egads don’t have them touching!

Next up, is when Hallmark – unlike many governments – chose to recognise same-sex marriage. The company brought out a range of cards, which promptly faced a predictable and begrudging response from the religious conservatives. Lord knows that society will crumble if a happy homo-couple were to receive a card through the post congratulating their relationship. The centuries-old greetings card tradition – and the entirety of straight coupledom – is clearly under threat! It’s probably all SpongeBobs’ fault, of course..

Time for a snack? Well, don’t make it McDonald’s. Is it because of the potential damage to our health caused by gorging on McBurgers and McChips? Hell no! It’s because McDonald’s apparently have put their tuppence-worth in with some quare Chamber of Commerce association in the United States. Silly Ronald. That wasn’t a wise business decision; it wasn’t clogging the arteries of the gays everywhere: it was condemning our souls to eternal damnation!

Finally (for now), there’s the absurd denial around the conservative religious world of the validity of evolution. That’s right – you may be familiar with the suggestion that the earth and all that’s in it is a few thousand years old. Mm. That’s based on tracing back through the generations of people mentioned in The Bible! (And, as we all know, the only people who have existed in all of time are those mentioned in The Bible.) Jesus wept.

And don’t forget, people, that the future President of the United States of America – and, as we are so often told, Leader of the Free World – could soon be one title=”Matt Damon on Sarah Palin – CBS via YouTube” target=”_blank” onclick=”javascript:pageTracker._trackPageview (‘/outbound/www.youtube.com’);”>Ms Sarah Palin (taking into consideration McCain’s health and age). This is the beauty-pageant queen, book-banning, creationist, religious conservative, and now very, very powerful Sarah Palin.

The Enlightenment may well never have happened. Watch out, world.

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