Warning: Contains Spoilers!

Here it is: The final season of The L Word has begun airing in the US. And if past seasons have taught us anything, we sure as hell don’t know what to expect. Particularly as the timeline for this season begins three months after the end of season 5, when one of the main characters has been found dead in Bette’s swimming pool. The L Word has formerly been slapstick, tearjerky, dramatic, but has it now jumped into the murder-mystery genre? Well, this first episode would suggest that it’s not quite swapping its copy of Curve for a detective’s notebook just yet. Although, either way, someone’s going to wearing a trilby.

Front of Shane and Bette’s houses, awash with the blue and red lights of police cars: So the scene is set – there’s been a moydah! Enter Lucy Lawless (Battlestar Galactica, Xena: Warrior Princess) as the investigating sergeant. She walks into Bette’s house, while a uniformed officer fills her (and the viewer) in on what has taken place: a woman was found dead in the pool, seven women were having a low-key party in the house. The remaining women are waiting in the living room. Inside Bette’s living room, Bette, Tina, Alice, Shane, Helena, and Kit sit looking sombre and stunned. But where’s Jenny? Oh wait there she is… rolling by on a stretcher. Jenny has been found dead in Bette’s pool. That explains why Bette and Shane are sitting soaked and wearing only towels… I thought that may have been merely my over-active imagination.

Here come the Titles, have your mute button trigger-finger ready because the Betty theme tune is still with us for season 6.

Flashback to the end of last season: Now we go back three months to the showdown at the ‘Lez Girls’ wrap party, where Tina is steaming with fury because she has just discovered that the movie she was producing, now has a “Oops! I was straight after all. So long ladies!” ending. Meanwhile, Jenny has stumbled upon Shane dining at Niki’s downstairs restaurant. In the resulting car chase (Yes, a car chase! Although Vin Diesel clearly didn’t choreograph this sequence), Jenny’s convertible Porsche Boxter careers across LA while Shane tails closely behind in her SUVlet and then there’s Niki’s big black chauffeur ride taking up the rear. Red lights are broken and so few are the instances of rear-view mirror checking and indicating that these ladies could pass for a Dublin city taxi driver anytime.

Tasha and Alice, Alice’s apartment, the Tasha temper is about to flare:

Alice: Wanna talk about it?
Tasha: Talk about what?!
Alice: Well, you’re kicking my shoes. You’re kinda shit-faced.

The rocky rapport of late between Alice and Tasha is coming to a head. Alice tries to prise details of Tasha’s frustration but the unceremoniously discharged and disgruntled former-marine is having none of it. Cue interruption #1: Helena calls for an update on the night’s events. At this point, Tasha starts throwing clothes in a rucksack muttering something about saving Alice the trouble of breaking up with her.

Back to the Jenny-Shane-Niki triangle: Jenny is trying to force the front door shut while Shane perseveres with apologising profusely. Careful, Shane, maybe Jenny’s not trying to close the door but catch your head and it’s scraggly coiffure in it!

Next door in Bette and Tina’s: Angelica’s babysitter informs Bette and Tina that Angie has been congested and feverish. In a surprise role-reversal, Tina is still lashing out and furious over the hijacking of her film while Bette calmly tries to offer reasoned advice to her. Some emotionally evolved dialogue between Mommas B and T about professional respect occurs. Could this signal progress in Team Porter-Kennard? Meanwhile Shane is now rapping the window next-door and shrieking at Jenny á la Stanley Kowalski. Bette and Tina briefly debate the measure of how wrong Shane’s misadventure was and how forgivable it may or may not be before very wisely realising that they should cease the discussion before it opens old wounds and gets unnecessarily divisive. Yup, we’re definitely being told these two are growing.

Inside Jenny’s parlour of bilious rage: That vacuous bag of teeth and curls, Niki, lets herself into Jenny and Shane’s house with a spare set of keys (obviously bestowed unto her in happier, less cheating times) while Shane is still jackhammering the front door down. Niki’s presence purely serves to undermine Shane’s apology to Jenny.

Shane: Tell me what I need to do. I will eat dirt. I will crawl on glass. I will [interrupted by Niki]
Niki: Me too, Jenny! I will even drink that Spirulina disgusting stuff for an entire week!

The encounter ends with Jenny sending a lamp soaring through the air and crashing on the wall beside Shane’s head and a soda can hurtling towards Niki but narrowly missing. Damn. Jenny needs to work on her aim with those cans.

Tasha and Alice, sitting face-to-face on Alice’s bed:

Tasha: I think you’re right. I think we probably should break up.
[Interruption #2: Max is pinging on Alice's laptop.]

Tasha appears to have sobered up and agreed to talk. And now they are breaking up. It’s all very lesbian and civilised. Tasha hits the nail on the head – they have nothing in common. But my, my, they do look oh so good together.

Outside on the porch and unscathed, Shane and Niki:

Niki: Fuck it, right? We tried.
Shane: Shut up, Niki.

Oh, how I’ve longed to hear someone say those words, Shane.

Back to Bette, Tina and the sickly sprog: The wee one’s fever is higher and her cold hasn’t cleared so the mothers are naturally beginning to worry. Shane knocks on the door while they’re nursing the baby. Bette settles Shane on the couch and lends a listening ear while Shane brings her up-to-speed on the 100-mile radius warning issued to Shane by Phyllis—Bette’s boss and the mother of Shane’s most recent love, Molly. Shane also reveals that she does love Molly and that she was even faithful to Molly. Bette somewhat incredulously and while chuckling responds with “Really?!” Realising the pathetic plight, she has invented for herself, Shane laughs the self-deprecated laugh of the hopeless too. Bette feels sympathetic towards Shane (something along the lines of “been there, done that”) while Tina is nothing less than ice-cold towards her. Shane asks to sleep on the couch since Jenny booted her “skanky ass” to the kerb. With Tina on the warpath due to the heterosexist movie ending debacle, the prospect of crashing on the couch is about as appealing as another romp with Niki.

The club formerly known as She-bar, in full-swing and under new management: Helena and Kit are trying to coin a new name for their new joint-venture and arrive at Helena + Kit = The “Hit” Club. Well done, ladies. It only took two of you and half the night to come up with that one.

Tina, Bette and Shane: Raking over the calamitous consequences of Shane’s actions results in Tina and Bette having a domestic feud. And it’s the passive-aggressive kind. Awkwaaaaard! Poor Shane, she’s caught in the middle feeling like the night’s lightening rod for misery. And just when things can’t seem to get any worse, the baby awakes, screaming. Feeling more inappropriately situated than an advertisement for jockstraps in Diva, Shane shuffles out the door to seek a bunk for the night elsewhere.

Alice’s bedroom: Tasha is now on her feet and it seems like the conversation about whether or not to break up has been going in circles. Particularly, Alice is trying to convince Tasha that while her mind may have wandered with thoughts of another gal recently, she did not act on the feelings. Tasha isn’t looking particularly convinced and is less than comforted when Alice says:

Alice: I didn’t even really kiss her!

This little revelation for Tasha combined with the arrival of interruption #3—a homeless Shane—sends her storming out the door. Alice flails after her while simultaneously booting out an inopportunely arrived Shane.

More sick baby: Bette battling a digital ear thermometer. 104 degrees. Time to take baby to hospital.

Molly calls to Jenny and Shane’s house: Molly is looking for Shane. Jenny tells her that whatever her mother said about Shane was completely justified. To which Molly replies:

Molly: My mother’s a raging bitch. And she destroys anyone who gets in her way. And I’m not going to watch her do that to the woman that I love.

So Shane loves Molly! And Molly loves Shane!? Well that’s just the kind of happy-ever-after that’s not going to happen for Shane. Jenny proceeds to fill Molly’s head with some rubbish about Shane and Niki having had a prolonged affair while they were together—going as far back as the Pink Ride (that seminal event in the Shane/Molly story, when Molly made a grand gesture as proof of sincerity of her affection for Shane. Gutted and crushed, Molly leaves a letter and Shane’s jacket for Jenny to pass on, which of course Jenny promptly hides in the attic never to be seen again. But not before reading the letter of course. Classy.

Bette, Tina and Angie, in the hospital Emergency Room: Bette has a showdown with the registrar, whose causing undue consternation over the fact that the child being admitted has two mothers:

Nurse: I can’t process your paperwork.
Bette: This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on every fucking street corner. She was born in this fucking hospital and both of our names are on the fucking birth certificate! So why don’t you just give us a fucking break, you bureaucratic maggot and get our daughter in to see a goddamn doctor!

Midnight munchies: Shane appears to have got the hobo look down pat in a mere couple of hours. And just when her night can’t get any worse, Niki arrives with her entourage of pill-popped party people. She’s about as upset about losing Jenny as finding out she doesn’t have to eat sprouts for Christmas dinner. While hitting on Shane in a massively overt way, Niki receives a text message from Niki, inviting her over. While Niki’s wondering whether to bother going to see Jenny, Shane sends her on her merry way to face whatever Jenny has in store for her. Niki leaves with her crew for Jenny’s. Are they all going to arrive on Jenny’s doorstep?

Bette and Tina, in their car outside the hospital:

Bette: “I am so mortified.”

Apparently the home thermometer gave a false reading and Angie is fine after all. The whole experience has brought Bette and Tina closer together though.

Tasha rocks up at her friend’s house, where she’ll be staying tonight: Turns out the friend is a blast from the past—Papi! Where did she get to anyway? Which is exactly what Alice asks her. Alice isn’t finished the earlier conversation with Tasha and follows her into Papi’s. Papi retires to her bedroom to get some “work done”. Alice catches a glimpse of historic nemesis, Gaby Deveaux, strewn across Papi’s bed. Oh, the humanity!

Niki arrives at Jenny’s house: They get right down to bidnis! In between heavy breathing and locking lips, Niki is making feeble apologies, e.g.:

Niki: “I only let Shane go down on me because I was devastated about you.”

Cue some uncomfortable, “Jenny ain’t playin’ nice no mo’” foreplay.

And the contrast of the punitive sanctions for Niki and Shane is drawn when the camera cuts away from bed-bound reconciliatory romancing to Shane, who is sitting alone and friendless in a restaurant.

In Papi’s kitchen: Alice is having a sardonic giggle at some tacky Latin American paraphernalia and Tasha is in the middle of taking her up on her snobbery when Papi and Gaby enter for post-coital snacks. Their hair has evidently been styled by the turbine engine of a Boeing 737. Gaby seizes the minor altercation between Tasha and Alice to have a few acerbic pops at Alice’s expense. Tasha threatens Gaby if she doesn’t cut it out. Oh, Tasha, might there still be something worth fighting for? Let’s hope so.

Helena’s jail-time hardening proves useful in club fracas: In Hit, Helena flexes some muscle and wields a headlock on a few unruly dyke dramatists:

Helena: Everybody keeps their hands off everybody else in my nightclub. Unless they’re loving hands.

Shane arrives at the recently-rebranded club and downs a few medicating shots of Patrón at the bar with Helena and Helena’s less-than-chipper but succinct advice, “Women are poison”.

Bette and Tina pull up outside their house: Bette apologises for defending Shane earlier in the evening because of the message it sent to Tina. Bette seizes the moment to swear a vow to Tina that she shares her values and will never cheat on her again. Here comes Bette’s waterworks. Seriously, the woman must have a had a tear duct reservoir implanted behind her eyes. She must get paid by the tear!

Tasha and Alice, giggling in Papi’s kitchen:

Tasha: Who the hell makes noises like that?

An uncomfortable silence after hours of fruitless conversation eventually erupts into laughter due to the slaying-a-baboon sex sounds coming from Papi’s room.

From sexy to sexier times: Niki and Jenny are romping through the night doing irreparable damage to Jenny’s furniture. Good work, ladies.

Hit Club, Shane is trollied and the party’s over: Kit carries her home.

Having escaped Apes Gone Wild over at Papi’s, Tasha and Alice have sought refuge back in Alice’s: Both are setting up the pull-out bed in Alice’s apartment for Tasha to sleep on. Tasha insists that she won’t sleep in the same bed as Alice until they’ve worked everything out—if they work anything out. However, Alice playfully maneuvers  insists onto the bed with Tasha. Tasha doesn’t seem at all put out and inspite of Alice’s advances, Tasha manages to restrain her. One more thing they don’t have in common emerges: Tasha is serious and Alice is not.

Helena sitting in Hit club: Surveying her new kingdom.

Shane feeling copious amounts of self-pity and drunk on Kit’s couch: Kit is lending a listening ear and some of her trademark “Go get ‘er” advice. She urges Shane to “fight for Jenny”. For the first time in her life, Shane must fight for a woman she cares about instead of running away or letting her go.

Next morning, Niki and Jenny waking up: Niki awakes from cheerful slumber and is looking for round two of her “punishment” from Jenny. She is reveling in their reunion and the ease with which it was achieved. Jenny lies motionless—like a lioness observing her prey, waiting for the apt moment to pounce—while Niki babbles incessantly and characteristically inanely with such prized gems of remorse as:

Niki: It was so romantic when you said I broke your heart, “you’ve broken my heart”.

But what of all of Jenny’s anguish and rage form the night before? BAM! There it is:

Jenny: You’re nothing but a self-indulgent, self-absorbed, little brat. And our affair on set was nothing but a show-mance. And when I said “you’ve broken my heart”, I wasn’t talking about you, darling. [Arises from bed, dresses, leaving Niki reeling from her resonating words.] “It’s time for you to go.” [Exit Jenny.]

Showdown at The Planet: Shane arrives to find all of the others seated. Shane approaches Jenny to talk to her. Jenny blanks Shane and leaves the table, with Tasha and Tina marching behind in demonstrative support. The group is split. Even a Kit “C’mon y’all!” can’t reunite them. Tense times ahead!

If you can’t wait for the first episode of season six of The L Word to hit TV screens here, you can watch it online over at Fancast by clicking here.

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