Warning: Contains Spoilers!

Console thineselves, episode two marks the quarter-way-through-point of the very last season. With only six episodes left, what does episode two tell us about the identity or motivations of Jenny’s future killer? Thankfully, not a lot and this episode focuses on the scorching scenes of smut and splendour that The L Word does so well.

Episode two opens in Nikki’s crib: Her entourage are littered around the furniture and in front of the various entertainment centres. Nikki is still steaming about her slap-down from Jenny in episode one and in between tirades, she still manages to find a spare moment to ask a redundant question:

Nikki: “A showmance? I don’t even know what the fuck that is!”

Two of her obsequious ingénues are quick to google the term and read out the Wikipedia entry for Showmance. Because the term is so impenetrably complex that the audience needed it to be explained to them? Oh dear, this could be a very long episode… Anyway, back to Nikki’s eruptions of fury…

Nikki: “She is officially a liar and I officially hate her!”

Nikki proceeds to roust her plastipals from her penthouse and then—alone and clutching the balcony railing—she stares off into the middle-distance resolutely. [Here I invite you to play along at home folks by pressing the mute button and adding a few “BONG!” sound effects to recreate your own Angelus. Parodying The L Word by remixing it with snippets of RTÉ’s religious programming could be a fun new game. Press the mute button anyway, here come Betty and the opening credits.] Vengefully, Nikki warns:

Nikki: “You are dead meat, Schechter. Dead!”

Ooooh, them’s killin’ words! Have we our first suspect? Doubtful, since Nikki’s murderous gaze is likely to be soon distracted by something fluffy and puggle-shaped.

Here’s lookin’ at you, Kit: Over at Kit ad Helena’s new club, the co-managers are picking fabrics for refurbishing the club in a Casablanca theme. Hold up a second though.

We’re all aware that Kit and Helena bought a café together, ran a café together, then bought a club together and are now running a club together but when did they start picking glass frames together and ironing one another’s hair? I’m guessing they’re demonstrating their “we are surrious purrfessionals” enterprising look. Kit flirts with the new DJ, drag sensation, Sunset Boulevard.

In the dungeon of discontent: The Planet may well be serving its peach pie with plastic cutlery while the battle of Jennygrad rages on. Alice is managing to dodge the tension by immersing herself in her MacBook. Shane makes yet another thwarted display of contrition in the form of waffles, which Kit is eager to point out that Shane has prepared herself. Alice’s ducking into her MacBook doesn’t disappear her off the radar. Enlisted to act as go-between messenger in a display of comic genius by Leisha Hailey.

Bette and Tina arrive glowing about the valet service Helena has introduced in The Planet. Tina turns to see Jenny stomping past.

Tina: Ooh, waffles!

But before Tina has finished smacking her lips at the prospect of Belgian breakfast treats, the waffles are demonstratively discharged into the rubbish bin.

Kit: Jenny, haven’t you heard that there are people starving in this world?
Jenny: I’m sure they don’t want waffles, Kit.

Bette and Tina are still standing by the door and playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Bette loses three rounds because she always plays rock. Apparently, Bette is that stunningly allegorical, which Tina has to spell out for her. But avast, me harpies, what is Bette wearing? It looks like Bette broke into Jack Sparrow’s wardrobe while jonesing for some frou frou sleeves. The contest was to determine who would sit with the “martyrs” or the “cheaters”. It’s all so Jets and Sharks.

Tina sits with the martyrs (Jenny, Alice and Tasha) and Bette joins the cheaters (Kit, Shane). As Tina sits down she points out how industrious everyone looks. Alice says that she is writing a treatment for a screenplay. Jenny looks positively murderous at the news. Tina suggests that Jenny should read and give feedback on Alice’s treatment. Both Alice and Jenny could not look any more reluctant unless Tina had suggested that they both dine upon one of Angie’s diapers for breakfast.

All the while, Tina and Bette are exchanging sms updates from the two tables.

Tina firmly plants her Monolo Blahniks in her gob when she asks Alice and Tasha about their upcoming couples therapy sessions. Alice’s indiscretion in telling Tina about the therapy session prompts an already tetchy Tasha to rise from the table and storm out the door. Not the best mood for Tasha to be in for her first day in the police academy. Tina relays the frayed relations on Team Martyr via another text message:

Bette: [Beep, beep] “Uh-oh. Privacy.”

Alice confronts Jenny about the bad vibes currently circling the group and asserts that they’re emanating from her rift with Shane:

Alice: This place is becoming like the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Helena briefly enters, spots the face-off, thinks the wiser, and bolts out the door again.

Kit: [To Helena] Go Switzerland!

Bette and Tina attempt to temper the atmosphere in the room—which is now about as inviting as an airplane toilet after its 250 passengers have contracted food poisoning—by sharing some good news with everyone. They have registered to adopt and are renovating their house to fit in one more bedroom. The momentary joy for the mommas is obliterated when Jenny stridently objects to the noise and inconvenience a construction site will encumber her. Before Jenny can successfully complete yet another grandiose exit, Shane implores her to talk to her and work their problems out. Jenny, true to form, shoots her down. At this point, Alice is sagely circling the air with her index fingers, evincing “The Black Hole…”

Outside Jenny and Shane’s house, Shane is reprezentin’ for Bill & Ben the Flower Pot Men: Shane is planting herbaceous perennials in another attempt to curry favour with Jenny. Max and Tom arrive from Max’s tool-shed abode in the garden and encounter Shane.

I can’t quite tell if Max is paying homage to Charlton Heston’s Moses or if he has exceeded his transition by becoming one of the Brothers Gibb. Either way, the hirsute looks he’s sporting tells us not merely that he’s going for his final consult, but probably a back, sack and crack wax as well.

In the boardroom of Tina’s production company: Marketing execs are peddling “Lez Girls”, now renamed “The Girls”. The film poster is a boy-girl lover’s embrace with teeny-tiny photographs running along the bottom for each of the formerly leading characters.

Exec #1: Boy meets girl. Boy almost loses girl to girl.
Exec #2: But in the end the audience wants love to prevail.

Aaron has been keeping Tina in the dark on the new direction of the film and serves her an ultimatum:

Aaron: Get on board, Tina. The train’s not going to lezzietown.

Faculty meeting in CU: The great and good of the art faculty are cooing over the positive write-ups Jodi’s recent vengeful installation, which showcased Bette’s deceit, has received in various art journals. The journals have dug deeper into the meaning and raked over Bette’s professional life. Wow, Jodi’s revenge is the kinda gift that keeps on giving. Couldn’t Jodi have just left Bette with a nasty venereal disease like any other burned ex? I guess it wouldn’t have had the same professional fallout as subjecting her to her artistic gaze.

Max-imum chaos: Max is going for his final consult before surgery. Unfortunately, his hormone reports have picked up a problem. Can you guess what it is? Bingo! Max and Tom may be monogamous but Max is still pregnant. An unplanned pregnancy and Max’s long-awaited surgery is delayed. Sing it with us, Max: #“When your surgery’s gone and you’ve a baby bomb, It’s a TRAGEDY!”

Meeting’s over in CU: Bette has managed to endure the entirety of the meeting. Before she can leave, Jodi seizes the opportunity to lash another spear of passive-aggression at Bette. A colleague asks Jodi quietly about Bette’s response to the much-lauded “Core” work. However, without the help of her assistant, Tom (who has popped out to reply to a “Call me as soon as you can” message from Max), Jodi struggles to understand the question. It falls on an uncomfortable Bette to translate. But Jodi doesn’t let Bette off without another sliver of public humiliation and replies:

Jodi: I don’t know [To Bette] How did you like the show?

Bette stares back at Jodi, looking as if she may actually generate steam from her ears. Bette brushes aside the question, and seeks to reassert her professional authority over Jodi by demanding a meeting with Jodi. But Jodi isn’t done playing yet and fobs Bette off with vague excuses of being busy with other plans.

Phyllis’s office: Having felt sufficiently humiliated both personally and professionally, Bette is accompanying Phyllis back to her office to discuss Jodi’s escalating obstinacy. Oh but Bette’s morning o’ horrors does not end there because as Phyllis opens the door to her office, Joyce pops out from behind a plant like a naked jack-in-the-box:

Phyllis: Joyce, cover your junk!

Bette recoils from the office, gasping “we’ll reschedule”. Indeed, Bette. Reschedule to a date when you’ve had time to erase the trauma from your eyes. Preferably, with industrial floor cleaner and whatever household acids you can lay your hands on. Phyllis is attempting to scold Joyce for dropping by “buck nekkid” but is silenced when Joyce pops the question! Joyce has arranged for Gavin Newsom to perform the ceremony on the steps of City Hill in San Francisco. Interestingly, Joyce requests Phyllis’ hand in “Holy Matrimony”, which is an unexpected proposition from a lesbian divorce lawyer. Phyllis at first protests that she doesn’t want to get married again but in the blinding refracted light of the four-carat engagement ring, and the fact that the passage of Prop 8 will shortly annul the marriage anyway, she says “Yes”.

Therapy session #1: While Phyllis and Joyce are revelling in their newfound engagement, Tasha and Alice are working through their issues with therapist, Dan Foxworthy (Does his name ring a bell? It was he who previously therapised Bette and Tina):

Foxworthy: Who wants to tell me why you’re here?
Alice: Oh, we’re just here for a tune-up.

Dan repeatedly attempts to engage Tasha in the session but in spite of the chasmic distance between Alice and Tasha on the couch, Alice still manages to interrupt before Tasha can get a single word in. Finally Dan shushes Alice just long enough for Tasha to give her slant on the reasons why they broke up the previous week. Alice rolls her eyes incredulously but unconvincingly so we know that Tasha has proferred a spot-on summary of the faults in their relationship:

Foxworthy: Why do you think Alice told you [about wanting to kiss another woman]?
Tasha: I think that she told me because she wanted to break up with me. And bringing this woman between us was the easiest way to do that. She knew how I felt; she knew that I would break up with her. And when I did, she got scared. And that’s why we’re here.

Max’s bad day continues: Max arrives at a family planning clinic to terminate the pregnancy. The receptionist thinks that Max’s presence is some kind of joke and threatens to have him removed from the building. Losing patience, Max blurts:

Max: I’m an FTM transsexual, alright?!

While the receptionist is still attempting to compute the information, Max turns to the snickering group in the waiting area:

Max: “Yeah, that’s right! Take a good look! I’m a man and I’m pregnant! It happens. Don’t you read the fucking tabloids?! [To receptionist] Can I have my appointment now please?

Jenny and Shane’s house: Jenny is busy writing the same sentence about she seems to have been writing since breakfast in The Planet. Outside, Shane is undertaking yet another act of atonement by washing Jenny’s car. Not a wet t-shirt in sight but on the plus side, if Jenny holds out for long enough she might get a few weeks of laundry and construction of a veranda out of Shane.

Over in Foxworthy’s den: Alice and Tasha appear to be doing much better and are now facing each other and making promises to one another to try and get their relationship back on track. Alice and Tasha seem genuinely pleased with their progress and even request homework from Foxworthy. Foxworthy drops a bombshell on them though by telling them that he doesn’t believe they should remain together as they have so little in common.

Leaving their appointment with Foxworthy, Alice is ranting:

Alice: I mean, what the fuck? We spent 55 minutes with this guy. I mean, where does he get off?
Tasha: I told you. Therapy’s bullshit.
Alice: It’s bullshit!

Well, if nothing else, they now have an aversion to therapy in common. Alice hops into her Mini, and Tasha collects her motorcycle helmet from the car. Upset by Foxworthy’s dismissal of their relationship, both look dejected and go to give each other a kiss goodbye, which turns into a kiss hello as Tasha clambers into the Mini as well. Looks like they weren’t done ‘reconnecting’ up in Foxworthy’s office and a steamy session takes off in Alice’s car. It’s not only extremely arousing; it’s downright impressive to be pulling those moves in a Mini Cooper!

Panic in the clinic: Max is marching down a corridor of the clinic, looking to leave when Tom arrives, apologising because he couldn’t get there any sooner. Max has just found out that he is four months pregnant and therefore abortion is not an option. Tom is bewildered and Max is furious. Tom is asking how it happened, Max responds by yelling:

Max: I don’t know [why my doctor didn’t tell me this could happen]. Maybe she didn’t think I was stupid enough to let some faggot fuck me.

The two begin arguing and shoving each other and eventually Max sends Tom to the floor with a swift knee to the crotch, the severity of which is likely to ensure no further surprise pregnancies. Beleaguered, Max drops to the floor too and both look exasperated and thoroughly unprepared for what lies ahead.

How do I love thee? Let me list the ways: Alice and Tasha are now writing up a list of pros and cons. It’s a model Alice adopted from her mother who used it to determine the fate of all of her marriages. Tasha questions the credibility of using a device which culminated in a succession of divorces.

Alice: Well, she had very successful divorces.

As Alice begins to write delineate the “Pro” and “Con” sides on the list in different coloured pens, Tasha immediately interjects:

Tasha: Hold up, why “Con” gotta be black though?
Alice: It’s not a race thing. It’s just, um … red is happy. Red is, like, “Pro.”
Tasha: No, red represents the devil.

To which Alice inserts “Colour Weirdness” under the “Con” list.

At an exhibition opening: Bette and Tina are at the opening of a private collection, held by an unknown but very wealthy private collector, Kelly Wentworth. Bette is in art connoisseur mode and comments that the “work is good but the show is uneven”. Tina playfully acts the cultural ignoramus and points at a piece, remarking, “this one’s weird”. Bette enquires about the identity of the mystery collector from a fellow art enthusiast. He dishes the scandal: She’s a recently divorced and—consequently—newly minted millionaire. Wentworth’s ears must have been burning because she appears beside them to fill in the gaps in the gossip. Wentworth introduces herself to Bette who makes pleasant small talk complimenting her on the show. It turns out that Kelly Wentworth is actually Kelly “Juicy” Freemont, Bette’s college roommate. And the two shared a brief kiss which sent Juicy into:

Bette: …such a deep and abiding homosexual panic that ["Juicy"] moved out of the house immediately.

Kelly misses no opportunity to flatter Bette, much to Tina’s chagrin, and Kelly’s eyes are locked on Bette throughout the exchange. Hmm, perhaps there is more to this story than a two-second kiss twenty years ago. Will Bette stray again? Bette just about remembers to introduce Tina, which is difficult to believe because I’m watching this scene, expecting Barnum & Bailey to come crashing through the door since Tina has evidently stolen their tent and is now wearing it as some kind of poncho-cum-dress.

Lists and lists and lists: Alice and Tasha have successfully documented all of the pros and cons of their relationship but the cons are clearly outweighing the pros. In an effort to skew the findings to their favour, Tasha introduces a points system:

Tasha: Okay, let’s say this: “Doesn’t cook with pepper ever” should get two points and “Is spontaneous”, ‘cos I really appreciate that about you, [Alice spontaneously spanks Tasha eliciting Tasha’s fantastic and adorable laugh.]  will get like eight points.
Alice: That is so smart. I’m going to write down “Is smart”.
Tasha: How many points?
Alice: Oh, nine. I’m gonna put nine. Oh yeah, the pros are so winning now!

Re-balancing the list may be the last ditch effort to save the sinking ship but you can’t help but root for Alice and Tasha to make it because there is something so endearing about their rapport.

Showdown at the Millionaire’s Art Museum: Tina and Bette are moving to leave and approach Kelly who is exchanging phone numbers with a young artist, which judging by the heavy flirtation is more akin to arranging bidniz than business. Kelly doesn’t miss another opportunity to insinuate that Bette played around a lot in her youth:

Kelly: We have to make a plan. Lunch, dinner, whatever… I really want to pick that brain of yours.
Bette: Yeah, well, the first thing I would tell you is not to sign artists that you want to fuck.
Kelly: That comes from firsthand experience?

A conversation over Bette and Tina’s shoulders has piqued their interest. It is the sycophantic lauding of several art pundits over Jodi’s recent work. Jodi grins and looks affectionately upon her adorers, with new ladyfriend in tow. Tina grants Bette leave to confront Jodi about Jodi’s persistent unresponsiveness to the many requests for appointments issued by Bette’s assistant. Bette issues a warning that Jodi has “until tomorrow” to see her, or else. Or else what, you may ask? Unfortunately, the audience is left in the dark on that point as we cut back to Tina and Kelly. Kelly is telling Tina about Bette’s illustrious varsity career as the campus lesbian Lothario.

Of all the Hit clubs in all the world…: Alice is failing to understand how Helena and Kit’s “No alcohol. No sex. All business” pledge is in any way enjoyable. Helena protests that she stil has the occasional drink and even sex, from time-to-time. As if divined by these words, one such former conquest of Helena’s is spotted by Alice on the dancefloor. Dylan (Alexadra Hedison) from series 3 is grooving as “the filling in the lesbo sandwich”, as Alice puts it.

Tasha: That girl used to be straight (Your surprise is not misplaced, Tasha. We all pondered on that question too).
Alice: Well, she wasn’t gay back when she was fucking Helena.

While Kit and Alice are freaking out about the apparition of Dylan, Helena maintains that she is fine about it. Which is completely understandable considering Dylan extorted Helena for sexual harassment and her personally and professionally.

You, me and baby makes three: Max is letting off steam by blasting the holy hell out of pixel-based nasties in a videogame when Tom stops by. Tom has called over to apologise for the way he reacted and to talk to Max about the prospect of having a child and raising it together.

Tom: “Don’t you want to be a couple of West Hollywood fag Dads?”

They cuddle and make up:

Max: I’m sorry I kicked you in the balls.
Tom: I’m sorry I knocked you up.

Awwwww, you guys. Cute!

Back from the gallery and having a good old-fashioned bitching session: Tina is impersonating Kelly Wentworth’s fawning over Bette and doesn’t miss an opportunity to impart Kelly’s earlier revelation that Bette was a college player. Bette denies it, citing that Kelly was too busy getting jiggy with every male college professor on campus to have noticed who Bette was or was not doing. Tina is good-natured but needs to probe a little deeper. She says that she is not going to be the one to tell Kelly that Bette is off the market. Tina then points out that Bette needs to flirt, that it feeds her like blood for a vampire. Oops, perhaps not the best simile Tina could have chosen but how-and-ever, Bette then obfuscates the matter:

Bette: You need to trust that I know who I am, and I know what to do with it.

Hmm, we don’t really know what that means. But it’s okay because neither does Tina. The conversation ends there, as Bette slips a hand up Tina’s dress and Tina pins Bette to the bed while fetters of clothing fall around them. Very, very hot.

Hitting out: Alice has taken to her feet and is marching purposefully over to Dylan. She shoves Dylan and as Dylan turns around, Alice is completely ready to serve Dylan with a “How very dare you?” monologue when something hilarious happens: In Alice’s over-zealous pursuit of protecting her friend’s dignity, she becomes completely flustered and utters not a single intelligible word:

Alice: I mean, come on… The hair! The hair… and the documentaries!?
Dylan: Uh, I…
Alice: It’s… like… my… not… Gay?!?!?

Alice will no doubt be haunted by staircase wit later on but thankfully, Helena has arrived and Tasha is shuffling a still-sputtering Alice off the dance floor. While Dylan asks Helena, if they can talk, Alice is filling Tasha in on the shameful exploits of Dylan. Dylan tells Helena that she is indeed now gay (forgive us for not dropping to our knees in astonishment), and that she has never stopped thinking about her. All the while, Helena listens but with the all the fervour of an octogenarian at a Miley Cyrus concert. Helena then offhandedly but politely invites Dylan to stay and enjoy her club with her friends. She then sashays away with Pellegrino in hand, leaving Dylan looking crushed.

Alice:…And [Helena's] mother gets stung by a jellyfish! All because of this woman [gestures at Dylan].

Helena rejoins Alice and Tasha and sits motionless while Alice briefs Tasha on the trials and tribulations of Helena Peabody from 2005 to date. Seeing Dylan make her way for the exit, Helena rises and follows her out to the parking lot. It seems Helena got a hold of what Alice was trying to say earlier and is now launching a full-scale verbal onslaught on Dylan. Helena even demonstrates another one of those prison moves when she slams Dylan into her car.

Dylan: Thank you. Now I know you care.

Careful Dylan or next time Helena might leave you with your jaw wired shut.

Shane knocking at Jenny’s door: Shane attempts to enter the house but Jenny has the door chained shut. Shane makes a beeline for her stuff and begins packing.

Jenny: So that’s it? You’re, you’re done trying?
Shane: I’m out. I don’t see the point with you anymore.

Well, it looks like Jenny will have to find some other persecuted soul to up that veranda for her then. For the first time in over a week Jenny talks to Shane, revealing that it was in fact Shane and not Nikki who broke her heart.

Jenny: I also realise that I’m in love with you.

Wuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaattttttt???!?!?!?!????!

Shane’s mind is clearly blown asunder and she reels on her feet for a few seconds before tentatively walking after Jenny. Shane embraces her and while we’re wondering what will happen next and hoping and PRAYING for them to remain bezzie mates, the inevitable happens with Shane in awkward romantic situations, and she kisses Jenny. And I reach for a basin, which I have renamed the “Shenny Bucket” and designated for the express purpose of taking care of my displaced dinners if these two insist on being all smoochyface.

I cannot wait to see what the rest of the L Wordettes have to say about this “least likely” Shenny development.

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