Warning: Contains Spoilers!

Apologies for the lack of piccies. As soon as I figure this screen-grab business out, I’ll update.

After last week’s Shennyanigans what will happen? Will it be all doilies and docs, will Shane admit that at it was a sorry-screw or will Jenny decide to study this new side of their relationship until she squeezes all of the fun out of it and writes another piece of tortured shite? Oh she dies! That’s right. Can’t come soon enough.

A word on the title of this episode – there is a lot of laughing, a lot of people saying f–k and Shane’s cheekless posterior.

Tina in Shaolin: The producer formerly known as ‘what was with that dress last week’ is striding purposefully through Shoalin studios. She’s on her way to her boss’s office which we know because she got a message summoning her. As an aside, I think Tina may need glasses…check out the size of the text.  Shoulda gone to Specsavers.

In the boss’s office it’s clear things ain’t peachy in the land of Lez Girls. Summit’s up and Tina’s getting the blame.Turns out the negative of the film is missing. Don’t they have it on disk? Does anyone use negative’s anymore? Tina seems just as confused. Aaron thinks the Schecter has something to do with it but blames Tina coz that makes sense.

Credits: It’s neither the way that we live, or love. But, hey! it’s all we got.

Pillow talk: The camera pans up rumpled sheets to a couple in bed. EW! It’s Shenny, but thank god for small mercies, Jenny and her dawg are covering most of Shane’s scrawny body. They awake and Shane has that look. You know the one. “God please make her speak first so that I can just tell her what she wants to hear”. That one.

Jenny takes her hand away and there is Shane in all her boney glory. Eat something! Oh, you just did – f’narr. Jenny is looking all chuffed with herself and utters those little words we all love to hear whispered over the pillow:

Jenny: I‘m happy we f—ed

Shane laughs and checks that Jenny is sure, which she says she is while circling Shane’s nipple with her finger. You know? The nipple on her ribcage. They start to get down to it but stop when Shane realises that Jenny is wearing the world’s most unattractive knickers. Oh and the doorbell rings. YAY, it’s Alice! They both say that she has the worst timing….millions of viewers couldn’t disagree more.

Heavenly Hailey: Alice knows as soon as Shane opens the door that she’s been doing the beast with the two backs all night. Shane laughs it off but our intrepid heroine is determined. Then from the other room Jenny shouts:

Jenny: Hey little monkey, have you seen my earrings?

Little monkey? They have pet names already? Lesbians, they’ll be moving in together next. Oh…wait. Alice proceeds to steal the scene in what is arguably Leisha’s finest moment.

Alice: Little monkey? You guys super made up.

And then it happens, as Jenny enters the room and she and Shane are so obviously loved-up that Alice cops on. While is dawns on her, the camera pans in as she gets the same look my sister got when I told her where babies come from. Horror mixed with shock and a slight suggestion of nausea.

After the culprits leave the room and can be heard giggling, she all but says “you mean mam and dad did that?!” Something needs to be done….anything to deflect from what she’s hearing from the next room. Poor Alice does the only thing she can think of, she texts everyone the titbit.

Nuclear reactions: Hey it’s the TingTings playing! I love that song.

Helena: working up a sweat on the treadmill when she sees the message from Alice and promptly falls off with a shriek.

Tina: in a boring meeting which makes no sense. She’s listening to a woman and Angela Robinson, director of DEBS and this episode, she rocks- how could she be bored? She glances down to her Blackberry and stops the meeting with “what the faaalllk?”

Tasha: wearing that haaawt suit again, chuckles that gorgeous chuckle of hers.

Bette: in a meeting with arty types who are trying to sound important, she checks her message and laughs openly and gorgeously. Swoon. I heart you Bette.

Kit: looks at her vibrating phone like it’s a snake and doesn’t understand why it’s making that noise or what a text message is. Seriously? The woman runs a club and doesn’t know how to use a phone? Maybe she’s just confused as she’s no chance to say “girl!” in this scene.

Peabody and the busy body: With Shane leaving to do Eric Mabius’ hair (we miss you Tim), Jenny wants a quick word. Shane seems so ashamed of their hook-up that she’s disguised herself as The Cat in the Hat. You also know she’s thinking about the Ting Tings; “shut up and let me go – hey!”

To avoid Alice, they step outside so Alice naturally follows them to eavesdrop. Can I just mention how cute Alice’s ring tone is? A quacking duck – cuuuuute! It’s Helena wanting to know WTF is going on. Alice gives her a blow by blow, so to speak.

Jenny has no expectations of their relationship, wants to set boundaries, yadda yadda. Then they kiss. Alice I love you!!! She’s totally grossed out and tells Helena:

Alice: They’re kissing. Ew..Ew!!

Helena: Alice, you’re being childish. They’re both grown-ups. If they want to get involved with one another that’s totally their prerogative.

Alice: She just said Jenny was a good kisser.

Helena: Ew..hew..hew, oh my god that’s disgusting!

When she finishes up, Jenny asks Alice not to mention any of that to anyone. Alice replies that it’s none of her business. Lol! Nice Alice…

Courtship: Bette is on her way to her office, chatting to Tina on the phone about the events of the few hours. Jodie and Tom are waiting. She finishes up by telling Tina that she loves her while making sure that Jodie can read her lips. Cold – 15, love. She’s also continuing the pirate theme of last week, this time in a femmy pink number.

She asks why Tom is there and Jodie informs her that the ADA (American’s Disabilities Act) allows her have an interpreter, and anyway Bette’s signing was never really that good. Ooh, 15, all.

Bette tells her that they would both agree it’s uncomfortable working together, she needs the department to run smoothly and therefore she thinks Jodie should resign. Jodie refuses. When Bette points out that Jodie offered to resign a few weeks ago, Jodie explains that was because she wanted to save Bette’s ass. But now that she’s no longer in love with Bette, she’s not resigning. Bette says she’ll have to fire her. Ooohh…double fault Bette! That’s sexual harassment.

The spectre of Schecter: People may wonder in future episodes why someone would want to kill Jenny. The following few minutes pretty much sums it up.

As you can imagine, Alice’s duck is quacking like crazy as people need more Shenny news. It’s annoying Jenny who is busy constructing her soap box.

Jenny, holding up Alice’s hand-written work: How long did it take you to write this?

Alice: I just kinda wrote that in a night, just kinda stream-of-consciousness, spit it out.

Jenny, smacking the work down on the table: One night? This took you one night. You people think you can just come into Hollywood and suddenly you’re just gonna make it. And you’re going to just write everything and it’s gonna be great and all in one night. You know what? My work to write a screenplay is a craft. And if you’re going to sit across from me you’re going to have to take it seriously. So this is what we’re gonna do. Pitch it to me – go. I’m an executive ok?

Alice, obviously waking up after wondering when Jenny would shut the hell up, realises that she’s talking to her: Like a pitch meeting. I need to work on this, it’s a good idea.

It’s a story about a super-cool TV show host and a her cop girlfriend who solve a murder investigation. Alice just gets cuter.

Alice: It’s kinda got everything.

Jenny: Except a good idea. That’s not gonna sell. Pretty boring. But you know the heart of this is that it’s just not realistic. These two people would never be in a relationship together.

Bitch! Not alone does she dismiss Alice’s work but also a relationship Alice is working very hard to save. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, could that be a green-eyed monster? Could you be slightly jealous that writing comes easier to Alice and that she’s in a healthy adult relationship? Stream of consciousness, Jenny, it was good enough for Beckett, it’s probably be too good for you. Oh but you had a book published once didn’t you? Well then you must be an expert.

Jenny continues to pour on the pretention, by insulting Alice in a way that I ain’t gonna take. Murder? Yeah, it was me in the pool with a huge satisfied grin.

Jenny: When I hear you in a group of people, I close my eyes and I’m like wow! that girl, that voice! She should be doing cartoon voice-overs.

Alice, as the doorbell rings: I’ve never really thought of cartoons as a career move.

Jenny: You have a unique vocal range that’s right here.

Alice, as Tina screams for Jenny to open the door: Ok! Well thank you so much for the inspiration.

Inspiration? Don’t you mean motive?

Negative response: As Tina enters the house and Alice leaves, Alice tells her not to say anything about the titbit. Tina does the EW! when Alice tells her she saw them kiss. With tongue. Ew!

Jenny makes Tina even more frustrated by grinding coffee beans while she tells her about the disappearance of Lez Girls negative. Poor Tina, thank god she’s a mother and is used to explaining things to self-centred brats.

Tina: We shot on film. The kind that takes pictures. Ok?

Jenny: Ok…

Tina: The negative is the original image, without that you can’t make prints, without prints you can’t screen it in a movie theatre. No one’s gonna see our movie.

Jenny: Are you saying that nobody’s gonna see the movie?

No, I’m saying you’ve been nominated for an Oscar.

Jenny: Oh my god Tina, this film is my whole life.

What? You were fired and they changed the ending. How can this be your whole life? Oh yes, you’re a writer who is living off the glory of having written a book once. A book which inspired a psycho to ruin your life. Sorry, my bad. Anyway, Tina asks if the movie is here.

Jenny: If it’s here? If I stole it? Oh my god you want to know if I stole the movie!

Lord Tina, it’s going to be a long day. Jenny didn’t steal it, she proceeds to rant about how if this film doesn’t come out she’s totally f—ked, that she needs the film to come out so she has any chance of getting a job again. I hope Alice heard! See? She knows she’s shit! Ha!

Fruity pair: As Shane and Alice enjoy a healthy brekkie of fruit and yogurt, Shane tells her that it was a once off thing and she won’t be sleeping with Jenny again. Until the next time. Alice continues to be horrified but now it’s tempered by a healthy does of amusement. Shane leaves to buy beer as requested by her boink buddy.

Shane: I gotta get going. I gotta find a liquor store.

Liquor? Didn’t you?

Battling and behooving: Bette enters Phyllis’ office needing to talk about Jodie. But guess who’s already there? Phyllis feels it “behooves” them to get each side of the story. Jodie has already filled her in, so it’s Bette’s turn. She goes on about how Jodie isn’t interested in authority and as Bette’s “subordinate” she is determined to make life hell for both of them. Subordinate? Didn’t you give out to Tina years ago for using that very word?

Phyllis tells it like it is and tells Bette to stop letting the “dyke drama” interfere with her job. Of course Bette freaks. how could anyone think she is being unprofessional? Maybe because she is? Sorry but come on, you dump your girl and then want her gone? It don’t happen that way. Unfortunately.

Phyllis: When you entered into a sexual relationship with a subordinate, as you call her, you relinquished the right to hire her. Coz that’s what’s called sexual harassment.

Word! Jodie rather smugly says she’s not going to sue for sexual harassment but Phyl is determined that even the whiff of it is unacceptable so tells Bette to cop herself on.

Shenny: Jenny wakes Shane, who’s enjoying an afternoon nap, to tell her that she finished her treatment (physchological?) and “guess what, I was thinking you”. Oh shut up. Then we have kissage, bedroom stuff, ew! Neeeext!

Alice shows them: Ms P is on her show and is about to do her dirt dishing, but she decides to be a smidge more serious. Much to the ‘delight’ of her co-hosts. Another excuse to show just how wonderful Leisha is – from comic gold to serious as a heart attack faster than a speeding bullet.

Alice, reading from letter she received from fan: for the last three weeks by brother, wade, as been on life support. I was in the hospital everyday praying for a miracle but this morning I watched as they lowered my big brother’s coffin into the ground. My brother’s dead because he wrote a love-letter to a guy named Marcus. And Marcus shot him in the face. I’m writing to ask you to please tell your viewers that it’s not okay to hurt gay people.

As you can imagine, Alice’s co-hosts are gob-smacked and her producer is having a fit. What happened to smiley-smiley Alice, the happy gay? She’s taking care of bidness.

Alice: I know I’ve justified outing in the past, saying it’s a political act. I certainly do believe that the world would be better if people felt free and safe enough to be who they really are. But what I forgot was some people choose to stay in the closet for other reasons. One of those reasons is homophobia is alive and well, and oftentimes in this country, it can be deadly.

I know this is all true and serious stuff but it’s so out of kilter with the rest of the episode it rankles. Maybe that’s the point. Violence should rankle at the very least and if this scene has no place in this episode, well violence has no place in this world. Amen sister HAL. Cut to commercial.

Shoutin studios: Tina has been summoned to the office of doom again. This time it turns out that her signature is on the delivery document of the Lez Girls negative. The plot thickens.

Phyllis fancies a porter: Phyl and Bette are in a bar talking about the untenable situation in work. Phyl tells her she needs to resign. They discuss how badly the situation could reflect on Phyl as she’s gay too. She also says that Nadia (remember her? Blondie, long legs, like kids’ books – in the car with Bette?) made a complaint against Bette and Phyl covered for her. Two strikes and you’re out Bette. Phyllis tells Bette she’ll find a job quick smart. Lucky she just met up with an old friend who owns a gallery space that Bette “would kill for”. Sigh, sometimes you feel the writers aren’t even trying.

In a delicious scene which both actresses are obviously loving, Bette tries to drink away the thought of unemployment as Phyllis starts to tell her how much she means to her. And I mean, how much she means to her. Turns out our Phyllis has had a crush on Dean Porter for a while.

Phyllis: Bette, I’ve always found you wildly, exquisitely attractive. You are and will always be the woman of my dreams.

She leans in to kiss her, Bette leans back so far that Phyl falls off the bar-stool.

Flower girl: Kit is looking at flowers (‘oohh girl!’) which have arrived for Helena. She says she wants nothing to do with anything sent by Dylan. I though she said Dylan Moran and had an odd visual but apparently it’s Dylan Moreland. Kit read the card – ‘you’re beautiful when you’re angry’ – and does one of those patented mmhmm smirks. Girl!

P45 number 2: Alice is doing the Hollywood ‘looking through the wardrobe and finding nothing suitable’ routine. She’s been called into a meeting a is going to get fired for her does of the truth on air. Before she and Tasha can argue again, the phone rings. The girl who wrote the now infamous letter is threatening to jump off a ledge. Seriously, there are those writers wanting to leave at 4 on a Friday again.

Alice and Tasha head over to the scene of the potential suicide. The woman who called them says that Alice is the girl’s (Marie’s) heroin. As they head out to the roof, Tasha says that Alice isn’t qualified to, or capable of talking anyone down off a ledge. She could talk me down anywhere. Ooop, sorry.

Alice is slightly peeved that Tasha doesn’t have faith in her, so she storms off to talk the girl down. I’ll spare you the after school specialness of the following scene. Suffice to say, Alice succeeds in saving the girl. No one seems to care that the poor girl now has to get on with her life, depressed and torn. No, it’s all about how worthy the whole things is. Sigh.

LMFAO: At Hit, Kit and Sunset Boulevard are flirting. Is it just me who thinks these two would be great together? Imagine all the ‘girl!’ chances she’d get?

The lads all arrive. YAY!! A group scene!!! How we’ve missed them. Tasha is proposing a toast to Alice:

Tasha: I just wanna say that she really surprised me today, and I’m very proud of her. And I’m very happy and proud to be her girlfriend.

YAY!!! All’s well that ends well, god bless us everyone. Oh no, it’s Shenny in the parking lot, with tongue. Kit sees the potential retinal scarring and runs back to the group where Bette is telling everyone about how she received her P45. Tina is being very understand considering her lady is unemployed for screwing around and she herself is potentially out of a job. Kit arrives:

Kit: I just saw Jenny and Shane in the car. Shane’s hand was all up Jenny’s skirt and Jenny’s tongue is all goin….

Alice: Kit! Kit! You don’t know how to check your text messages, do you?

Kit: Is that what my phone was doing all that buzzing about?

Girl, you gotta read yo manual!

Shane arrives alone. Everyone is trying very obviously not to laugh. Jenny arrives 2.5 seconds later. More badly-disguised snorting. Bette is hilarious! She just can’t help herself. After the crap day she’s had, it’s a kind of ‘if I don’t laugh I’ll cry’ thing. Her chortle is gorgeous and it’s great to see her so out of control – although I’m totally biased.

Shane and Jenny make excuses to check out the VIP area, separately but together. Much to the delight of the all-knowing friends.

Kit’s future lover-man is on stage and asks her to cut a rug with him. She does and looks haaaawt doin it too. Shane and Jenny look on from the VIP area and start to snog. Much to the hilarity of our group who can see every flick of the tongue.

Ew!!!!!

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