Warning: Contains Spoilers!

We’re halfway through the final season and this episode is perhaps the weakest so far. There’s plenty of extraneous dialogue and scenes which are too long or somewhat repetitive. Also, for some unrevealed reason the L Wordettes seem to be in a perpetual state of grazing and lounging around The Planet but more on that later… 

Shenny for your thoughts?

Max: There’s no escaping them

Tom, Max, Alice and Tasha are having breakfast in The Planet and just when they thought they’d escaped Shenny back at the house, Shenny walk in the door. The four marvel at how enamoured with one another they are. As Tasha puts it, they are:

Tasha: Like white on rice. 

Alice jubilantly celebrates Tasha’s first foray into gossiping. Uh-oh, looks like TAlice are clutching at straws in the relationship. Jenny saunters over:

Jenny: [to Max] How is the beautiful mother-to-be?

Oh look, a new record! 38 seconds into the episode and we all want to kill Jenny for her trademark wildly inappropriate and shameless condescension. This enquiry garners a silent single-finger salute from Max. Tom has to spell it out for the guiless nitwit that Max doesn’t like to be referred to as “mother”. Gee, how unexpected for an FTM who has struggled every inch of the way with his transition. Jenny begins to persevere. Tom too looks ready to knock Jenny’s head off.  Even Shane’s recent wallpaper-like presence steps up in an attempt to shut Jenny the hell up. But too late, Jenny is already in a full-flow “embrace the sisters of the earth” style testimonial to Max’s unmistaken femininity, breasts ‘n’ all. Max is suitably upset,  infuriated and driven from the table. Well as much as Daniela Sea can portray him to be. 

Max: I hate these tits and I hate these f—ing hips and I hate Jenny Schechter!

Ah so… Max is this week’s examined suspect. Hmm, anything’s possible with poor Max’s abundant supply of hormones for the next few months.

Credits: Loving, laughing, lying, cheating… ooh, Alexandra Hedison will be appearing in this one. Goody!

Brunchtime banter: Alice and Tasha are by now thankful that Jenny mentioned the pregnancy because apparently, everyone has been dodging any mention of it. Although, that’s a bit odd since BetTina are angling for an adopted baby and Max and Tom are carrying a pregnancy to term that neither of them want… Someone is trying really hard not to connect the dots here. Then Alice either gaffs with a pronoun or is being overtly transphobic:

Alice: When is she due?
Shane: He!

What’s the deal with Alice (the community advocate) and Jenny (who held Max’s fundraising party for his transition a couple of seasons ago) suddenly indulging in transphobia over lattés? This particular story development doesn’t seem too convincing. 

In the midst BeTina talking about an upcoming excursion to some dustbowl town in Nevada, Jenny has an epiphany about the identity of the film negative thief.  Jenny claims to have been struck by the idea that William the producer stole the film. Oh how I wish, she would be struck again. With a blunt object. Repeatedly. Until she loses consciousness. Wishful thinking aside, Jenny proffers titbits of a telephone conversation she overheard William having which pointed towards a dodgy insurance claim. With that, Bette takes her leave from the table to join Kelly Wentworth for a lunchtime business meeting. Tina couldn’t look less impressed about Kelly’s arrival unless Kelly hopped onto the table and defecated in Tina’s skinny frappuccino. She then with visible restraint fills the others in on the historical connection between Bette and Kelly, e.g. They were dorm-buddies back in college when Bette was a Masters student and Kelly a first-year undergraduate. She omits to mention that she has cause to believe Kelly is a scheming hoe-bag. Oh Tina, how much trouble can a former fling-cum-millionaire nouveau actually cause. What was her nickname in college again? “Juicy”. Oh right. Erm, anyway. Tasha then asks Tina why they’re taking the trip to Laughlin, Nevada. Tina then informs the group that there’s a potential baby with African-American parentage and the pregnant woman is fully aware of same-sex parenting scenario. Kit enters and spots her sister dining with Kelly Wentworth, a.k.a. “Juicy” Freemont. She makes pleasantries and then seats herself with Tasha, Alice, Tina, Shane and Jenny for a prime vantage point on Bette’s appointment. Kit is dishing the backstory on “Juicy”, referring to her as a “B.I.T.C.H” and a “vixen”. Oh, and it appears that Bette forgot to mention that she nearly killed herself over “Juicy” back in college. While Tina is processing that bombshell, another of the brunette variety walks in the door. Dylan has arrived. Kit marches over to cut her a new one and after a brief exchange comes back over to inform Tina that Dylan has a meeting with her.

Kit: What is going on here tonight?!

You said it, Kit! Has some malevolent force of nature imprisoned them in The Planet? So far, there has been breakfasting, brunching, lunch-meeting and now pitching over coffee. Looks like The Planet should be renamed The Vortex. The Citywest conference rooms don’t see this much activity! Oh wait, Kit was referring to the apparition of Dylan and Kelly.

Daddies not-so-cool: Max and Tom arrive for a parenting class. But this time it’s not in The Planet. A minor spat over Max fidgeting with his chest bind. In the class, all the talk and 3-D models of vaginal openings clearly make Max and Tom uncomfortable. Uh-oh, looks like trouble’s brewing for the Daddies-to-be.

Resisting The Planet‘s gravitational pull is futile: Bette and Kelly are still dining but judging by the dimmed light, it’s now the evening time. They are talking about artists currently setting the art world on fire. Kelly asks about an exciting new prospect, Liz Kraft. Bette shares that she included that artist in the Provocations show when she worked in the California Art Center (You may remember that Bette also included Candace the carpenter on that project and did more than talk timber with her. Hmm, a veiled reference to Bette’s prior infidelity? While she’s dining with “Juicy”? Bizarre how Tina’s subsequent dalliance has not been referred to yet this season but Bette’s being flogged for hers in every episode). Kelly then says something which is unfathomably contrived: 

Kelly: It’s amazing to me that you’ve always had this passion. And you’ve just stayed true to it. It’s something that I’ve always dreamed of being a part of.

What does she want to be a part of? Between Kelly’s bulging eyes of enthusiasm and convoluted rhetoric, I’ll be so surprised that Bette doesn’t see through her. Although Bette does reality check Kelly by quickly retorting that having “a shitload of money” could help her be a part of “the passion”. Kelly’s facial expression is perpetually one of awe in the presence of some adored enchantress while she rattles on about how she has been in love with contemporary art ever since Bette TAed her class in Yale. Thanks for giving us hypoglycemia, Kelly. Elsewhere in The Planet, Tina is trying to figure out what the hell Dylan is playing at:

Tina: What do you want?
Dylan: I’m not going to lie to you, Tina…
Tina: Well, it’s too late. You already did.

Bam! Tina is having none of Dylan’s sneaking and conniving. Dylan gets straight down to it. She is sorry for betraying Tina’s confidence in her as a director when she was working with Shaolin Productions all the those years ago but here’s the clanger:

Dylan: Helena is the love of my life… and I would give anything for another chance to be with her.

Tina reads between the lines that Dylan is looking for a co-conspirator to win Helena back and maintains she will play no part in it.

Back to the gushing font of Bett-ification: Kelly is now fanning Bette’s ego by imploring Bette to introduce her to her many, fabulous artistic connections. Kelly would like people “to pay attention to what [she's] creating here.” Please spare us the histrionics, Juicy. Oh no, Bette succumbs to the flattery and gushes back:

Bette: Well, I don’t think that you have trouble getting people to pay attention to you.
Kelly: [eyes bulging with delight] Then point me to who I should pay attention to.

Bette sheepishly averts her eyes from Kelly’s gaze. Oh no, looks like Bette has a schoolgirl infatuation on her college crush. Kelly is still pressing for that insider information on the contemporary Californian art scene. Bette offers her a proposal: That they work together. As partners. Hmm, why would the word “partner” sound familiar to Bette? Oh right, yeah, that Tina chick is her other “partner”.

The slumber party at The Planet continues as Tina updates Helena, Tasha, Alice, Jenny and Shane on her meeting with Dylan. Apparently, Dylan is now an out and proud gay filmmaker with her own production company—”Do Ask, Do Tell Productions” no less—and an accepted film in L.A. OutFest, hence the sudden reappearance in West Hollywood. The gathered gals balk at the audacity of her newfound status as a gay filmmaker and Tasha rips up the business card while Helena nearly does herself an injury trying to strain her eyes for a sneaky glance at the contact details on the card. Then Alice announces that they have to set Helena up with someone new. Excellent, unfortunately the viewer has to experience the prolonged thinking and chin-stroking process in real time. Finally, Tasha suggests Jamie who we met in the Gay & Lesbian Center in the last episode. Alice and Tasha gush about how splendiferous Jamie is and then quibble about who gets to call her. And then they call her. And both talk to her. And this scene still hasn’t cut away to paint drying on a wall somewhere else in The Planet or something equally more fascinating. While Alice and Tasha are laughing at all of the hilarious things Jamie is saying (which we cannot hear), Helena pours herself a vodka. Mine’s a double, Helena. Tasha and Alice are so excited about hosting a dinner-date with Jamie for Helena, that they don’t even notice that she 1). has not so discreetly pocketed the remnants of Dylan’s business card, and 2). is brimming with about as much excited anticipation as a piebald in a glue factory.

Clutter-byes: Evidently, Jenny’s supposed working-from-home of late has actually been time spent watching Oprah, Dr. Phil, et al and notetaking segments on “Surefire Ways to Enslave Your Lover”. She suggests to Shane that they should perform something called “Clutter Clearing” in their respective closets. Jenny explains:

Jenny: So, the concept is that you clear out your house and your life and it’s a really good thing to do when you’re starting a new project or a new relationship.
Shane: Or when you want to get rid of your shit. 

Shane is reluctant but Jenny pushes on and attempts to expunge all tenuous linkages to Shane’s former flings from Shane’s wardrobe. Jenny pushes Shane too far and Shane abandons the project because she “doesn’t believe in changing people”. Right there with you, Shane, but before they gave up on the Clutter Clearing endeavour, could they at least have disposed of that raggedy wife-beater Shane is wearing in this scene?

BeTina having Lover’s Tiff #1,029:

Bette: You know what, Tina, I’m just not going to spend the rest of my life on probation.

BeTina are squabbling again, however indirectly, over Bette’s past infidelity while packing for the upcoming trip to Nevada. This time the argument has emerged because she didn’t consult Tina before taking the new job and Tina is not comfortable with Bette working closely with Kelly.

Clutter Clearing, Not so Endearing: Jenny is persisting with this pseudo-therapeutic cleaning exercise and is now delving into Shane’s wardrobe. A t-shirt from her former salon (before Paige allegedly burned it to the ground) hits the floor, as does an shirt belonging to Sherry Jaffe’s (the Beverly Hills housewife), but Shane draws the line at a couple of t-shirts from her Carmen era. Earlier, Jenny insisted on hanging onto a scarf from her time with Marina and yet she finds it unfathomable that Shane would want to hang onto a couple of tshirts. Come on, Jenny! Look at what she’s wearing! You couldn’t deny her a couple of tshirts when she’s wandering around the house in threadbare vests.

Welcome to Nevada: BeTina arrive in Nevada, still discussing the new job with Kelly Wentworth and their growing debt from the refurbishment of the house and Tina’s uncertainty of her continued employment with Shaolin. They quickly reach an accord, kiss and make-up.

Mexi-can I come too?: Shane arrives for lunch with Alice in a Mexican restaurant late but Alice is occupied because she’s on the phone to Jamie again. And then spends the following five minutes extolling the virtues of St. Jamie. Alice is clearly smitten with Jamie and Shane is wise to it. Jenny gatecrashes the lunch much to Alice’s visible annoyance. It is clear that Jenny’s attempts to cling to and control Shane are becoming more frequent.

Nevada One You Expect: BeTina meet the pregnant woman, Marci, who may be carrying their future adoptee at her home. The house lies in a modest cul-de-sac and large barking Alsatian halts them as they attempt to enter. The message to the viewer is clear: Here lives white trash. Marci already has two children with indeterminate paternal lineage but comforts them with the knowledge that she knows who the father of this baby is but asks them not to mention him in front of her mother and stepfather because they would freak out if they knew the baby would be half-African-American. Before the meeting concludes, Marci’s mother and stepfather arrive home early and cross-examine BeTina. Bette somehow misinterprets the hostility towards their familial arrangement as polite enquiry and also completely misses both Marci’s crestfallen face and Tina’s subtle nudges urging her to cease all further discussion on marriage equality and gay adoption. BeTina are told to leave amidst the simmering tensions.

Dinner for Three: Alice and Jamie are preparing dinner in the kitchen. Lots and lots of lingering eye contact and smiling takes place over. Jamie says Alice should come work at the Gay & Lesbian Center because the kids admire her. Alice is clearly flattered semi-agrees to it.  

Boys Night in Hit: Kit and drag DJ Sunset Boulevard are surveying the dancefloor and chatting about Kit’s miserable track record with men. 

Sunset Boulevard: Honey, anybody who messes with Kit Porter’s heart is going to have to answer to Sunset Boulevard and that is not something I recommend.

Could romance be afoot? Lord knows, Kit loves the chivalrous types. Well, until they turn out to be complete dogs.

The Fourth Wheel Arrives: Helena arrives at Alice and Tasha’s for dinner and immediately the bubbling chemistry among Alice, Tasha and Jamie simmers down. And you just know this ain’t gonna work out.

More Trouble for Max and Tom: Max arrives in Hit to find Tom chatting and exchanging phone numbers with a strapping dude. Tom refuses to apologise for “just being friendly” and flattered by the attention. He takes his leave when Kit pops over to see how they’re enjoying themselves. Kit has a few consoling words for Max about his beleaguered masculinity and fear of impending parenthood. Feeling somewhat comforted Max seeks out Tom and apologises for his behaviour, citing the fluctuating hormones and the affront to his identity pregnancy brings as the primary source of his frustration but he loves Tom and can’t wait to start a family with him. Tom listens attentively but says nothing in response. Dum, dum dum…

Happy Families: Alice, Tasha and Jamie are perusing and chuckling over childhood snaps of Alice. Wait, where’s Helena? Oh there she is-somewhere in the background and totally out of the conversation. After looking at the photos, the conversation quickly evolves into “Do you want kids? How many?” And though none of the three on the couch have children, they fail to remember for a couple of minutes that Helena actually does. Helena accidentally over-shares that she lost custody of her children in a court battle, in which Helena’s own family supported her ex. Not exactly the story that impresses a lady. With that, Helena makes a break for the door amid hurried and half-in-earnest “thank yous” and “lovely to meet yous”. The three wheels—the tricycle?—are left to a game of monopoly or scrabble. Hmm, I would have thought a game of Twister would get them to where they need to go.

“Dylan you remember you told me you loved me baby!”: Helena rolls up outside Dylan’s and once she spots Dylan coming home, she runs toward her. Dylan obviously thinks that she’s in for a second round of Helena’s prison-style roughing up:

Dylan: [with hands defensively in front of her] Oh Helena, I’m sorry! I’m sorry I went to The Planet. I just didn’t know what else to do…
Helena: Have dinner with me. 

It’s actually Helena who looks more terrified in this scene than Dylan and once Dylan agrees to dinner, she retreats immediately muttering “F-CK!” to herself.

Shenny-proofing the House: Jenny has a surprise for Shane that she believes will delight Shane:

Jenny: I turned your bedroom into an office!

Shane is clearly appalled by this disturbing development and looks around the room incredulously:

Shane: Are you putting on the crazy Jenny show just to see how far you can push it with me? 

Thankfully, Shane has decided to call Jenny out on this one. But before they can have a grown-up conversation about it, Jenny immediately retreats into a passive-aggressive, self-pitying stance. Oh please, please, please don’t make us sit through Jenny in full-on melodramatic mode. Shane tries to snap her out of it one more time but Jenny persists in the childish routine:

Jenny: Do you hate me?
Shane: No.

Just so she can put Shane on the spot by asking:

Jenny: Do you love me?
Shane: [Pause] I do. I love you. 

*Groan*

And for dessert, we’ll have…: The Tasha-Alice-Jamie trikey is now washing dishes, laughing heartily and generally getting along swimmingly in Tasha and Alice’s kitchen. A plan unfolds pretty quickly to get Alice involved in organising a Dance Marathon for the kids at the Gay & Lesbian Center. Both Alice and Tasha are reticent about getting involved until Jamie implores and embraces each of them individually which seems to have a melting effect on them both and they come around to the idea. 

Kit’s Sun is Rising: Kit and Sunset are still chatting about the various foibles of the XY chromosomal human beings. Kit shares a fantasy from her youth about being whisked off her feet by the man of her dreams. Sunset listens and looks on adoringly. Sunset… you do know Helena is Kit’s business partner and not her bidniz partner, right?

Hitting the Hay: Tom and Max arrive home from the club and Tom is still giving Max the silent treatment. Max is trying to ascertain why Tom is continuing to give him the cold shoulder but Tom remains tight-lipped.

Tom does reveal that Max’s persistent self-deprecation is wearing him down. He then silently watches Max undress for bed in the reflection of a grimy window. 

DJ Angie on the Decks: BeTina are back in their motel room and venting their disappointment about the backwards attitudes they encountered earlier. Angie is engrossed in a variety of electrical appliance-related entertainment in the background.

Bette is mid-outburst about how she’s relieved it didn’t work out earlier because of the “genetic imprint” the child would carry when Marci knocks on the door. They invite her in and she apologises for the earlier events and offers them child regardless. She divulges that the child is a boy and why she wants BeTina to be the parents more than any of the other couples she has met:

Marci: It’s a boy. Which is another reason why I want you to be his parents. ‘Cos this world needs boys who are going to do things different. And I really want my baby to have a chance at that. Y’know, just making this world a little better.

BeTina are clearly delighted at the prospect of having a little boy in the family and it seems that the adoption is back on.

Night Becomes Day: BeTina are both lying awake contentedly contemplating what is about to come next.

Bette takes Tina’s hand gently and reassures her that her outburst from the previous night was a “momentary thing” and not a true reflection of her feelings on the adoption.

All by Himself: Max awakes alone and wanders around the house to find that Tom is gone, along with all of his stuff and the front door is open. Jeez, Tom, if you’re going to walk out on the guy and your kid, you could at least have the decency to close the door after you!

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