Warning: Contains Spoilers that the show’s creators have probably already made public!

It’s the fifth installment of the final season of everyone’s favourite ridonkulous lesbian drama – Hooray! Will we get any clues as to the cause of Jenny’s (un)fortunate demise? Will we get any clues as to whether Bette dresses in the dark? Will we get any clues as to what the hell is going on with the plot lines?

Mini re-cap: We don’t get the programme’s usual mini recap this week. Typically, we could all do with a reminder of all the twists and turns in this ker-azy dyke drama, but for those of you who fell asleep during the last episode, don’t worry: nothing happened.

As this episode opens, we’re treated to lots of purposeful chatting, murmuring, coffee shop sounds, a filo-fax, a frappu-cappucino and a sticky tape dispenser. Okay..

Hold it! It’s BT2! (And I don’t mean 70% off all items.) They’re wheeling and dealing on their phones and laptops and generally being terribly anti-social towards Alice and Helena.

At least, I think it’s Helena. But she appears to be sporting some kind of Clark Kent-chic look. Viewers may recall that she committed a horrendous fashion faux-pas in episode two, not because the specs were so awful, but because Helena and Kit had made the fatal error of showing up with the same facial accessories. Scarleh!

And is it just me, or does Helena look remarkably like a hot Nana Mouskouri..?

Anyhoo, the whole point of the scene is – unpredictably – to set up implausible suspect number 4862 in the wanting-to-kill-Jenny line-up. Oh, did I spoil the scene for you? No, of course not. What do we have here? Is it a major character swearing vengeance against Jenny, with murder clearly in their heart? Yawn, yes it is – wake up at the back there, folks, while I describe which previously mild mannered character has been pushed to breaking point by Ms Schecter this week…

Anyway, Jenny stole Alice’s idea for a screenplay. Remember? The talk-show host, cop, murder mystery, intertexual-meets-self-parody, sublte-as-a-brick-to-the-face screenplay that Alice drafted overnight? And Jenny got a cool half a million dollars for it.

As Tina summarises the plot of the script, Alice’s face is transformed from that of bored newspaper reader, to puzzlement, to bewilderment, to stunned disbelief, eventually to unbridled and animalistic rage. Guess what? She’s gonna kill Jenny!

Titles: Cue irritating Betty title music that has plagued me for years (“..running, skipping, laughing, running, jumping, climbing up trees, putting on make-up when you’re up there..”). Perhaps now would be the time for viewers to start the drinking game, boil the pot o’ tae, or do whatever it takes to get you through the next hour.

Opening scene: Alice confronts Jenny at Shenny’s place. Please kill her now, Alice! No, that’s just wishful thinking. Alice says her piece, instead, and still looks totally freaked. Jenny is her usual insufferable, self-absorbed, infantile self. This only adds fuel to Alice’s ire. Jenny feigns ignorance when Alice spells out Jenny’s thieving ways: she compounds matters by calling Alice’s “treatment” a “jumble of ideas” and stating that it’s pure coincidence if a screenplay of her own which she’s been working on happens to bear some resemblance to Alice’s work. She claims that she was merely supping from the “idea well” of creativity. Alice is outraged. Jenny’s a liar and a cheater. Kill her now, Alice!

Doooooo iiiiiiiiiiit!

Enter Shane. Alice rounds on her, and keeps it real:

Alice: She’s crossed the fucking line, Shane, she has fucking crossed it. I sw- This is how it’s gonna be. If you continue to shack up with this fucking lying, stealing snake in the grass, I swear to God, I can not consider you to be my friend anymore.

Wanted: Have you seen this woman?

Jenny’s response?

Jenny: I guess she’ll just have to get over it.

Two words: justifiable homicide.

As an aside, Showtime may have somewhat shot themselves in the foot by recently announcing that Alice will be starring in a spin off of The L Word, which will apparently be set in a women’s prison. And what is she in prison for, we may wonder? Could it be something to do with that murder investigation that opened season 6 with such a bang? Hmm.. We will have to wait and see.. Although, perhaps something unexpected – nay, original – may happen and she will be sent down for tax evasion or fraud or something.

We cut to The Planet: Everybody has a Mac, for some reason. Tina is on the phone to Alice (still in her café-office with Bette), who’s giving her the low-down. As she promptly sits down opposite Tina to complete the saga. Thankfully she’s interrupted by a message from none other than Jamie, which prompts giggles. Giggles that are loaded enough for BT2′s ears to prick up. Apparently, Alice is having a “third-wheel crush” on Jamie (sung beautifully by Bette – if only the U.S. was in the Eurovision). All the tell-tale signs are there, it seems:

Bette: It starts when you’ve been dating your partner for quite a while, and you’re starting to grow bored with one another. And then you start fighting all the time.

Alice: We’re not fighting.

Bette: Huh..?

Tina: Wha..?

Alice: I mean, there’s a little bit of fighting, maybe.

Tina: And then you meet a new person.. And then you start hanging out, all the time, the three of you, doing everything together. And you know what? It’s just great. And this new person starts to revitalise the relationship, pouring all this excitement and energy into it.

It can last even a year, they say. Just so long as it doesn’t “tip”.

Of course, as soon as Jamie’s character was introduced to Tasha and Alice’s relationship, I thought the ridonkulous plot line would lead us to a threesome. I really hope that’s not where this is leading..

Bette concludes this redundant plot device by advising Alice: “So you just check yo’self befo’ you wreck yo’self.” As Kit takes her seat and hears this, she expresses a look that can only be described as, “Oh no you di-in’t!” Jeeze, Bette, Kit is the only blaxploitation character here, not you. Get a grip!

Kit neatly segues from Alice’s third-wheel-crush, with a “dangerous bidness” line, to Helena (sans Clarke Mouskouri specs), forcing Helena to admit that she’s having dinner with Dylan. Everyone is understandably surprised. Helena defends herself by saying that Dylan has “colonised her thoughts” (what?) and, frankly, she’s sick of trying.

So, let’s remind ourselves about last week’s bore of an episode: Helena was being all mopey over Dylan, and in a bid to introduce a convenient plot twist take her mind off things, Alice and Tasha decided to send her on a blind date with a then random friend of theirs.

Let’s back up a bit here shall we? Helena would not be relying on charitable offers of blind dates from her mates to help her over the difficulty of the sudden reappearance of a (lying, criminal, manipulating) ex. And why would that be?

Well, we could be here all night with this question, so I’ll just toss out a few ideas:

- Helena is stunningly attractive
- Helena is stunningly rich
- Helena owns a lesbian nightclub
- Helena has a very sexy accent (even an Irish cailín can appreciate that, so I’m sure the Yanks love it even more)
- Helena hasn’t exactly had any trouble meeting women, like ever, throughout this show.. even in prison!!

Helena should really be beating women off with a stick, but no, there she was wallowing over a rogue, and heading gamely over to Alice and Tasha’s place to meet the lovely Jamie.

Anyway, this all inexplicably leads to a scheme being hatched to set Dylan up to be “tested”.

Alice: You guys, what if we had a test that would prove, once and for all, whether Dylan was a sleazy, gold-digging opportunist, or is she this misunderstood, reformed film-maker who just happened to get wrapped up with the wrong guy who made her steal the money?

Good God. Are we in an episode of Scooby Doo?

The scheme has to be like a test of character; setting her up with someone who would advance her career (who in The L Word cast could that possibly be?) to pretend they’re in a big movie and want Dylan to direct it. Then Nikki – oops, did I say that? – could hit on Dylan and see if Helena gets sold out for the big time. Yay!

For some reason, Shenny has to get roped in, too, so Shane will be the one to talk to Nikki and Jenny will impersonate Nikki’s manager. Of course.

The scheme is utterly unnecessary to the programme, completely out of character for those involved, and is a very crude and simplistic way of creating yet more ridiculous plot twists. It even has a voice-over montage when it’s put into action. Dear Jeebus. Someone in Mama Chaiken’s harem needs to start drinking from Jenny’s “idea well”.

Next scene: Ew, ew, ew, it’s the Shenny monster with two backs. Well, it’s close enough to nevertheless make me want to vom. Jenny finds out that Shane went to see Nikki having been roped in to the improbable scheme, and – no surprises – reverts to her default setting of Crazy Jenny:

Jenny: You can’t see Nikki. I forbid it.

Psychotic, controlling, untrusting Jenny. What a catch. She’s just irresistible, isn’t she, Shane? She eventually relents and, in the most insincere possible way, admits that she was wrong and needs to learn how to trust Shane. Trust Shane? Yeah, Jenny’s clearly bonkers..

Cut to posh Hollywood restaurant, with BT2, Evil Kelly Wentworth and Generic Artist Man: Generic Artist Man provides the opportunity to explain – yet again – the almost-fling Kelly and Bette had in college. Bette explains that Tina and she have been together happily, for a long, long time. Keyword: happily. While Bette takes a call, Kelly pushes it talking about Bette to G.A.M., and asks Tina if her shamless flirting with Bette bothers her. Tina’s response is cool and calm:

Tina: Flirt away. I mean, Bette knows that if she were to ever cheat on me, then that would be the end of us. So, if it makes you feel scandalous and sexy to tease her with her co-ed crush, have at it.

That’s it, Tina, keep your enemies close.

The tête-à-tête ends, however, when Tina spots her ne’er-do-well bosses, William and Aaron, entering the restaurant with two screenwriters that Tina had been working with for three years. Close enemies, indeed.

Bette: So, what’s wrong with that?

Tina: I wasn’t invited. That, in Hollywood, is how you know when you’ve been fired.

Jayyyses. Welcome to the recession, Tina.

We skip to the Hit Club – or is it a scene from Sliver? – where the rest of Lez Girls are ensconsed in the security room, preparing to spy on the unsuspecting Dylan. It’s Dawn Denbo’s security system (and not William Baldwin’s), and conveniently for our purposes, there are cameras everywhere and microphones at each table. So, you can hear everything that’s going on in the club, and none of it is drowned out by the decibels of music, or anything!

Shenny enters, and Jenny starts pissing Alice off from the get-go, which prompts a death threat from Alice. Fer feck’s sake, Alice, you’re all talk and no trousers. Get to it, woman!

Dylan enters the club and on the banks of security monitors she looks all lost and vulnerable. Meh. Nikki arrives, and Helena eventually gives the go-ahead for the scheme to kick into action.

Is that Veda Beaux Reves at Hit Club?

And we’re back to the restaurant: after the scowl delivered by Bette at the end of the last scene here, Aaron and William are guffawing their way through their mains.

Bette: ..scum-sucking, fucking miscreant.

I’ve been converted: I love you, Bette.

While Tina takes a breather, RoboBette takes to the warpath. (Rwoarr..) She lets rip at the scum-suckers, but she’s swiftly interrupted by Tina. They are an adorable couple.. But why would you do that, Tina? Why?? Oh, here’s why:

Aaron and/or William: I am so happy to be done with dykes. [Cue cackling.]

Tina: What did you say? … You stupid fucking cocksucker, how dare you sit there with that smug little smile on your face, and wine and dine my writers on a project that took me three years to put together. As if you had anything – anything – to do with it. [To the writers] He said you were talentless hacks. Yeah, and I begged him to hire you. I have put everything into this job, I have poured my heart and my soul and my talent into making you both look good time and time again. And how do you repay me? By stealing my contacts and iceing me.

A and/or W: Tina, keep your voice down.

Tina: Shut your pie-hole Aaron. I have never in all of my life worked for such an idiotic, mindless, juvenile, cruel, pathetic loser of a human being such as you. You are soulless, and you are everything about this fucking Hollywood that I hate.

A and/or W 2: Now, this is really uncalled for..

Tina: Uncalled for? You know what’s uncalled for? A billionaire stealing the negative of his own movie just so he can put in a claim for insurance money. And then to drag my name through the mud, to forge my signature on a letter accusing me of theft and fraud! It’s just downright criminal, William, and don’t think – don’t think for a second that you are going to fucking get away it because I know. I know. Enjoy your dinner.

You know, Tina, you certainly are sure of yourself these days. Plausible character development – I like it! That entire, defamatory tirade will probably come back to haunt her character by the end of the show, but I don’t care: I love you, too, Tina! Can I be BT2′s third wheel?

[Fun fact: Did you know that Wallace Shawn, who plays William in The L Word, also played the character, Vizzini, in The Princess Bride, and that this film was partly shot at the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland? There y'go. 'Tis a small world.]

Back to Hit Club: (Is it just me, or is Alexandra Hedison hawwt..?) The girls have grabbed their popcorn, and Nikki is working her magic (and gets the chance to list what all of us lesbots know about straight starlets playing gay – a little ironic in The L Word, but I like!). Only, wait: as Nikki attempts to execute the “rope-a-dope” manoeuvre, Dylan declares that yes, there is someone special but that it might be affected by something fucked up that she did in the past and can’t undo. Hm. Interestink. As Nikki closes in for the kill, Dylan fends off her advances by saying that she can’t get involved with Nikki: for one, it’s unethical (how noble! And which prompts yet another hi-larious line from Leisha Hailey), plus there’s someone Dylan’s in love with. Bless.

Hang on, Nikki wasn’t finished – she persists by trying to wangle her way into Dylan’s shirt. Dirtee, dirtee fecker! And thrice, Nikki is denied. Whoops from the gallery! Dylan’s not a scumbag!

Helena then joins Dylan in the booth, and Dylan puts her cards on the table about her feelings. Helena suggests that they go somewhere that they can talk. This just happens to be Dylan’s gaff.

Everyone else remaining in the club seems to be dancing and having fun. Except for Jenny who’s in a huff, true to form, this time over Nikki. She’s also being true to form in once again being psychotic, controlling and untrusting, by going through the text messages on Shane’s phone. This lifts the mood between them no end.

We nip over to Dylan’s place: it’s rather nice. Helena’s looking all insecure and Dylan’s wittering on, making small talk, and generally avoiding the big issue. (Didn’t Dylan’s mother ever tell her not to wear a black bra under a white shirt?!) The way that Dylan starts babbling nervously about rubber trees in Thailand is very cute and touchingly genuine, though – haven’t we all done that with someone we are crazy about?

But Helena’s not really interested in rubber trees right now. She’s more interested in the ensuing love scene, which is actually quite well acted, shot and put together, with the only soundtrack being the street sounds from outside. Might it be a contender for best one of The L Word? We shall see. It does, however, go on, and on, and on, and on, and on. For a total of four minutes and two seconds (yes, I counted..).

I suppose that’s a long time in TV land. Because just like that, Dylan Moreland has been transformed, in just one or two quick episodes, from being pantomime villain par extraordinnaire, to contrite, humble, sensitive lover. I could mutter here about consistency and character development, but honestly this is The L Word we are talking about, and lets be frank, that’s not why we watch this show, is it kids?

And again to the club: Shane has escaped Jenny’s clutches and has been driven to havin’ a faaag outside. Nikki sidles up and reveals that she believed the quid pro quo for her involvement in the wacky Dylan caper was a bit of rumpy-pumpy with Shane. Shane regretfully declines (oh, please), saying that if Jenny wasn’t in the picture, then maybe.. (Oh, but that can be arranged, can’t it..?)

Back inside, Jamie is discussing the screenplay idea theft (not her words), but is rebuffed by snotty Jenny who doesn’t even know who Jamie is. Gah! Tasha steps in, though:

Tasha: Oh, kill it, Jenny! Alice brought you an idea, and then that idea somehow ends up in your screenplay? Come on, it’s unethical.

Now, I love you, Tasha! (Maybe I just love everyone now, because Jenny’s character is so repulsive. We all killed Jenny! And we’re not in the least bit remorseful.)

Jenny’s still blustering on in her unique nails-down-a-blackboard way, as Shane returns to the group. Shane promptly gets caught in the middle of a friend-off as Alice and Jenny both compete for her loyalty, or whatever. Shane refuses to pick sides when Jenny demands it, and it seems like she’s sticking to her guns and hits the nail on the head of Jenny’s crazy behaviour; but then she spinelessly capitulates in the middle of the dancefloor as Jenny feigns walking away. Who are you, and what have you done with the real Shane??

Then comes the clincher:

Shane: You’re my dear, darling friend, and I’m sorry. And we’ve been friends way before any of this shit happened. Right?

Jenny: You’re my best friend.

Shane: And, I gotta say, if I had to choose today between this relationship and our friendship, I’d have to choose the friendship.

Yes! Shane! Break it off with that crazy, evil cow!!

Jenny: Uh-huh. The only thing that’s gonna get in the way of our friendship is if something gets in the way of our romanitc relationship.

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo. You evil, fucked-up, shit-head! Eeeviiil!

Oh, Shane, that was your final cue to walk out of there to your freedom, but you bottled it. Again! This is just all so very wrong.

Squeaky singer music brings us back to Dylan’s place: They’re probably about two weeks, now, into their shag-athon (which has only barely gotten going), so it’s no wonder that Helena breaks down in tears. Well, either that, or she’s realising the depth of her feelings for Dylan in this rosemantic and emotional moment. Or something..

Another aside: This episode seems geared up to achieve two things, and is not afraid to go beyond the bounds of logic, consistency and plausibility to achieve it:

1) Dylan must be found to be a suitable love interest for Helena after all. Thus the gang think up a crazy madcap scheme to test her loyalty and sincerity to Helena, who apparently is the love of her life now.

2) Perhaps realising that there are only three episodes left after this, the writers have Jenny suddenly boarding the express train to crazy town and in doing so, we get two more potential doers of the evil Jenny-slaying deed. Alice and Shane both have good reasons for wanting to do her in after this episode at any rate…

The squeaky singer takes us back to the club for an annoyingly pointless musical interval of the Jamie/Tasha/Alice dance sandwich, and a not all too happy-looking Shane leaving, while Jenny and Nikki exchange slow-mo glares.

Right you are, so.

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