First installment; second installment

In the last entry I posed some of the questions myself and my partner had to answer to go forward on the road to parenthood. Here are the answers we came up with.

1. Is “assisted conception” possible in Ireland for lesbians? Do fertility clinics provide us with their services?

At the time (8 years ago) the answer was no. We wrote to all of the clinics we could find and none of them would take us. One even went as far as to say that they “only treat people in longterm heterosexual relationships”. Since then things have changed considerably. There are some clinics which will happily treat lesbian couples and provide anonymous sperm donations (usually Danish). None of them advertise their services as they don’t want to endure the wrath of the looney rent-a-mob so-called Christian groups which unfortunately proliferate in Ireland. Unfortunately you have to know someone who knows (mail me) or simply ask them.

2. If not, should we use a known donor?

This is a huge decision and will effect you and, more importantly your child, for the rest of their life. You must discuss all of the things which come up in the next flurry of questions which I discussed last time.

2.1 If he’s known, how much access/interest will he have? How important would it be for the child to have him in his/her life? How comfortable would we be with this?

2.2 What rights does he have in relation to the child? What rights would the child have in relation to him?

2.3 How on earth do you approach friends to ask them if they’d be interested?

The answer to this is just do it. Seriously, if the guy isn’t the type you can ask, is he really the man for the job? What else is there you can’t ask him? Again, I have to say the using a known donor is a potential mine-field of emotional outcomes. He has all the rights and you have none. Even if everything is sorted and you discuss and decide what access right he can have, if any, he can change is mind at any time in the next 18 years.

However, on the positive side, if you and the donor work it out, this is fantastic for the child. If the donor wants no access and adheres to this you have all of the medical and social history you don’t get with anonymous donations. If he wants to be in the child’s life and you’re good with that, then the child has someone else who loves them, a larger family and support network.

3. Should we use an unknown donor?

An unknown donor is usually the preferred way to go for lesbian couples as it writes off all of the legal uncertainties you have with a known donor. One thing people have asked a lot is “how many times can a man donate? The child could have brothers and sisters out there and not know.” As I’ve already said, in Ireland, most of the donations come from different clinics in Denmark, so the donor won’t be anyone you know. Also, donors are ‘retired’ after 10 successful donations, so the possibilities of your child meeting and marrying a sibling is minimal.

3.1 How in the world would we get the sperm? Online?

I would say that you are better to avoid getting sperm online. It is a completely personal choice of course, but if you go through a clinic, you are sure that the sperm has been cleaned, and you get all of the care and aftercare you need.

So 8 years ago, after pouring over all of this and after being rejected by the clinics, my partner and I decided to go with a known donor. We had been discussing this with friends as we were both sick of what seemed to the secrecy around same sex parents. We would see same sex families but have no idea how they did it. It was none of our business of course and god knows we weren’t going to go up to a complete stranger and ask where their baby came from!

So, when friends would ask, we would be as open as possible and chat about how things were going with the clinics (badly) and how we were handling the stress (no too bad thanks). As a result, one of our good friends told us that he would be willing to be a donor.

He is such great bloke and good mate that this seemed perfect. We did, however, want to make sure that he knew what he wanted and would want from his relationship with his child. We discussed it at length. And I mean at length. For a whole year we talked, laughed, read books, talked some more and answered each others questions.

After 12 months we decided to go forth and multiply.
I’ll be updating this blog as much as I can so keep checking up on me

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