First installment

After running over and over the concept (excuse the pun) of having a child, we came to the conclusion that donor insemination was for us. With it, this decision brought more questions:

1. Is “assisted conception” possible in Ireland for lesbians? Do fertility clinics provide us with their services?

2. If not, should we use a known donor?

2.1 If he’s known, how much access/interest will he have? How important would it be for the child to have him in his/her life? How comfortable would we be with this?

2.2 What rights does he have in relation to the child? What rights would the child have in relation to him?

2.3 How on earth do you approach friends to ask them if they’d be interested?

3. Should we use an unknown donor?

3.1 How in the world would we get the sperm? Online?

As you can see, each question leads to another, each decision to more assessment.

There are no right and wrong answers here. It is completely up to the person or people involved. Just keep asking yourself “what is best for the child?” and you’ll go a long way. Also, prepare for the fact that, as soon as you tell people you and your partner are looking into this, they will ask you all of the above, ad nauseum. People mean well but they honestly think you haven’t stayed awake at night worrying about how whether your sexuality will mean that your child is bullied in school?

The kicker for me was my discovery that I have no rights. None. As far as the government is concerned, I’m the ‘real’ mother’s live-in babysitter. Handy but invisible. We looked into the possibility that, should we use a known donor, we could get something legally written-up which would make me the second parent and not him. You can but it’s not worth it’s legal weight in ink.

Nightmare scenario – my partner dies (touch wood), I have zero right to care for our child who ends up in care. You may say that my partner’s family would take the child but neither parent is around and anyway, I’m the child’s mother, wouldn’t he/she be better off at home?

Worst case scenario – my partner is kicking the bucket again (sorry sweetheart) and the sperm donor decides he wants custody. In he can legally swoop. This could even be the case if his parents/siblings fought for custody. They are legally the baby’s family and who am I ? The babysitter.

The bottom line for custody is, as it should be, what’s best for the child? If you are the non-biological parent you aren’t even assessed as a possibility.

OK, let’s not get overly down here. Lesbians and gay men are having and raising children all over Ireland without the shadow of custody battles looming on their front step. But these are things you must think about, you must be aware of and you must discuss with your partner.

This brings me to something which is good practice in any relationship, but especially if you are considering something as life-changing as having a child. I really can’t over-state how important it is to talk, talk, talk with you partner. Hold nothing back.

Seriously, you’ll end up laughing with her about some of the things that pop into your head. If you’re worried, excited, maternal, scared tell her, joke about it. You’ll be amazed at how much deeper your relation ship can become. You’ll see the deep caverns of your partner’s personality, the courage she has and the weaknesses she feels. You’ll feel you can be strong when she needs you, and she’ll step in when you needs her.

If nothing else, it’ll turn you into an adult and prepare you for the craziness that’s to come.
I’ll be updating this blog as much as I can so keep checking up on me

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