Warning: Contains spoilers, spoiled brats and a spoiled idea or two.

Poopy Party: “I don’t like the look of it!” No, not the screams of thousands of lesbians watching the show but the opening strands of the Oopma Lumpa song from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. It tuns out that Jenny is continuing down the road of inappropriate behaviour by throwing a baby shower for Max. It’s in the style of Willy Wonka so all of our gals are decorating Shenny’s place with oversized ‘candy’ and singing along out of tune, with Jenny overseeing events. It turns out that this is Max’s favourite story; Jenny remembers that but not his gender?

Bette questions how appropriate the party is – yay! – because kids get killed in the movie – boo! – according to Jenny, however, they don’t get killed, they get punished. Foreshadowing anyone?

Herr Jenny asks where the Willy Wonka bars Alice promised are, to which Alice replies with a joyfully raspberrying balloon.

Alice to Shane: I wouldn’t have made them if you told me what is was for.

Shane, in munchkin voice after sucking helium from balloon: What to you want me to do about it?

Alice, after doing the same and who sounds like a chipmunk: I want you to dump her.

Shane: It’s not that easy Alice.

What? How many women have you dumped in this show? Seriously, how many? and jus when did you find it difficult? You left Carmen (drool-enducing Carmen) at the alter and you seemed to recover pretty quickly. And this is Jenny; annoying, petulant, spoilt brat, ego-centric Jenny! You’d think it’d be a pleasure. Well it would for the viewers.

Our pouting, lolly-licking brat sqeacks up to Jamie (the future filling in the Talice sambo) and asks oh so sweetly what the hell she’s doing there. Tasha does the ‘she’s with me’ thing and I kinda melt. Cross her Jenny, g’wan!! Apparently Jamie is going to help Tash with her endurance training later. Oh nurse…

As Jenny continues to boss people around, Dylan and Helena arrive at chez Shenny (I nearly said ‘come’ but that was last week). They’re all loved-up and cute in that ‘we just got together and never want to leave bed’ kinda way. Cute!

As they enter the house, the music becomes strangely lift or on-hold like. Not as bad as Betty mind you. Dylena ooh and ahh at the decor for which Jenny takes full credit of course. I wonder if she got half a mill for that too?

Jenny: You both look very happy together. I’m very happy for you both.

Dylena, to each other: So am I, I’m very happy.

Jenny: I’m really really very happy for you both.

Repeat it often enough and maybe it’ll sound sincere. As Happy Helena goes to get them a drink, you know what’s coming though, don’t you? You just know she has to ruin everything.

Jenny: You passed the test with flying colours. I’m so happy for you. We were watching you and we saw how at Hit you rebuffed Nikki Stevens even though she could have helped your career.

Oh god.

Jenny: It was just so incredible.

Yes it was…completely incredible, unbelieveable and badly written. Kit starts to smell the shit that’s an inch from the fan. As Happy Helena arrives back to drinks and a smile, Dylan questions her. And Jenny fills her in. Much to the horor of every person in the room. Helena gets to prove that looks can’t kill immediately but may cause a fatal injury. Helena becomes suspect number who-cares as she runs after Dylan throwing this dittie over her shoulder to Shane:

I’m going to f—ing kill your girlfriend

It’s at that moment that Max, poor Max, arrives and everyone shouts ‘surprise!’

Credits: Waking, washing, dressing, driving, working, driving, talking, sleeping. Well that’s the way I live…

Freak out: Max has finally become what Ilene Chaiken obviously thought he should – a circus freak. He is placed on a throne, given a balloon (not pink surprisingly) and made wear a ridiculous Willie Wonka hat. when Jamie goes to introduce herself, Jenny sighs dramatically and says in a dramatic ‘under my breath’ way;

Jenny: She’s the only non-friend here.

No, you are not a friend. To anyone but manatees and the voices in your head.

When will we three meet again: Alice, Tina and Bette are whispering to each other about the excrement Jenny spread a while ago. Tina suggests that Jenny didn’t mean it to be so malicious.

Alice: Oh yeah, no Jenny’s not malicious.

Bette: No not at all. Just completely and totally evil.

Tina: Ok, she’s malicious.

As the party continues everyone becomes hypnotised by the on-hold music and start to act as inappropriate as Jenny. They’re playing a cute game of ‘guess how big the belly is’, all measuring Max’s tummy to see who is closest. Most of the group decide not to measure Max but Shane does, while apologising.

Now if everyone is uncomfortable with this and Shane even apologises, why are they going along with it? Jenny’s joy isn’t childish, it’s maniacal – you can practically hear her sqeeee.

More games ensue, including one called Chocolate in a Diaper which Americans are welcome to keep as their own. Talk turns to the baby and how Max is doing. He says he misses Tom and maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if he were there. Poor guy. There is a chorus of comments suggesting that Max “f–k Tom”.

Alice: You know, I’m sorry to say this but what an asshole.

Maybe ladies, you should shut up and listen? He obviously needs friends right now, not judges. What am I saying, this is the L Word where friends = people you drink and sometimes cry with.

Tina steps up and says that Max shouldn’t worry. Apparently as soon as the baby is in his arms he’ll know exactly what to do. Have a sleep would be my advice. Max seems moved, maybe it’s wind.

In the kitchen, Jamie and Shane are having some whakkie-bakkie and a small flirt until mother superior arrives and spoils their fun. It’s your turn for the game Shane!! WOOHOO!!! Shane runs with gay abandon into the living room and jumps up and down excitedly squealing “my turn, my turn”.

Not.

Jamie leaves the oddest couple in oddville to themselves and a chat about Shane’s flirting. Apparently Jenny doesn’t care that she was flirting and here comes that oh-so-tweet voice:

Jenny: Guess what?

Shane: What?

Jenny: I got you a present. I made you something.

Shane is excited and wants to know what it is. The rest of us fail to care.

Back at party central Jenny declares that it’s time for presents and cake “momdad”. What? Momdad?!?!? And this is a person you supposedly care about Jenny? HIS name is Max. It ain’t that difficult.

The presents are opened. From Kit: Two baby outfits, on with a rocker baby on the front, the other with a divil. Cuuuute. From TiBette: A buggy, or stroller as they call them in the US of A. It has detachable car seat and all sorts of bells and whistles, including a place for your coffee which they feel the need to mention twice. That thing could cost over a grand here. I thought Tina lost her job?

Tina and Bette start to ask about Max’s birthing plan. What? Don’t you go into hospital and have the baby after hours of agony? Isn’t that the plan? Bette and Tina start to talk about the dark arts of the labour ward, managing to include the words ‘ripping’, ‘cutting’ and vagina in the same sentence. Shiver

To change the subject, and to allay Max’s horror, Jenny insists he open her pressie. Two words. Breast. Pump.

At this stage I would like to refer to Click Here’s inciteful investigation of the legal process, in last week’s recap, and agree with her assessment – justifiable homicide.

What the hell are you doing Ms Chaiken? Are you trying to make a laughing stock of the only trans person on television? Is it not enough to get him pregnant but you use every opportunity available to try to convince us, and him, that being trans isn’t an option for a happy life. Nature will punish you!!!

Not only that but he has Jenny as his best mate? Oy vey..

Anyhoo, back at party headquarters, Max is about as comfortable as Daniela Sea in an acting class, so Alice decides to make a speech.

Alice: Hoo, big day huh? Listen, mister, you’ve had the unusual benefit of knowing what both sexes go through and how they love and all of those kinds of things. and, because of that, you are going to be a very caring, a very fantastic father.

Nice Alice, however, may I point out that Max was never a woman. Moira was a man.

Alice: This world can be harsh. You know that more than any of us. But that’s given you knowledge and knowledge is something you can impart to your child. It’s going to help the two of you on this journey you’re going to make together.

This is when she should’ve shut the hell up, but this is Alice.

Alice: Sure it’s great to have two parents. Like Hello! (pointing to a cuddling TiBette) exhibit A. two adoring parents. But listen to this Max, you being alone is better because you don’t have to go through all that bullshit. Y’know having to figure it all out with somebody else.

As she rambles on, Jamie asks Tasha what Alice is doing.

Tasha, grinning: Doing what she always does. Just watch her she’s on a roll.

she sure is. Oblivious to Max’s growing discomfort, Alice says that she hopes the child grows up to have values, to be able to stand up to his/her girlfriend, to grow up not to be a thief. Thinly-veiled accusations for your pleasure. Alice rolls Max all the way to breakdown.But then you’d lose it if you had to wear that shirt.

Max kneels in front of TiBette and asks them to take his child. Shock! Who knew that would happen? What a cunning, unforeseen plot twist!

As he stands up and starts to hyperventilate, there are cries of:

Is she ok?

Is she going to throw up?

Get her Xanax!

Jenny: Ok people! She’s pregnant! You can’t give a pregnant lady grugs.

Until finally, FINALLY, Max shouts:

HE! He’s pregnant ok?! I don’t want to do this.

that last part was said in a particularly whiney voice but hey, if I get pregnant I’ll expect to be whiney.

No beard, no weird: Next we see Max in the bathroom. The camera pans slowly up his body, carassing the curves of his pregnant belly. He’s looking in the mirror and begins to shave. Coz, you know, the only problem Max has is that he has a truly terrible beard. One shave, to smooth cheeks and presto! he’ll be fine. Really. Go with it.

Baby mamas: Tibette are in Joyce Wishnea’s office. She’s delightedly telling them about her upcoming nuptials and dropping Gavin Newsom’s name like it matters. Our two ladies are running through the legalities of the new babóg coming to live with them.

One of the writers is obviously a huge Tina Fey fan (who isn’t?), because, in an hilarious turn of events, it turns out that the child’s birth-mother needs to have the baby in LA. So, wait for it, she’ll have to live with them. You can see the pitch-meeting – It’ll be just like Baby Mama without the laughs. We could even get Shane to sleep with her! It’ll be brilliant!

Do they have a machine in the story meetings which churns out arcs when they press ‘random’?

Showered with affection: Our happy couple, plus one, Taliceamy (this is getting tough) arrive home after either a training session or the sweatiest sex EVER. turns out it’s a training session. They faff on about how ‘oh I’m so out of shape’ ‘oh no you’re not, look at you’, blah blah, flirt, flirt when Jamie decides to have a shower.

See this is how you know that this is a show written by women. If men wrote this, the following scene would have ended in a threesome. Involving stilettos.

However, this is about the laydeees, so when Tasha leaves some clothes in the bathroom for Jamie, catching an eyeful in the process, she leaves the bathroom and gives her girlfriend a good seeing to.

When the third wheel arrives out, she hears and waits til they finish before interrupting. And not a stiletto in site.

Hammer it home: TiBette are at home talking to the builder, a woman as butch as Paul O’Connell with a hammer. She’s a charmer too cracking jokes about the work being late and so forth. She also like men which confuses our pair. Conform to stereotypes dammit!! If you’re butch you must be a dyke, you have no choice. So they decide she’s confused. Sweet Jesus, Ilene, I’ve heard of broad strokes in character development but for the love of Martina, stop with the cliches.

Sherie Schecter: You remember last season when Shane said she wanted to do photography? Well, it turns out that that means she now needs a studio. Not a camera or some lessons, but a fully-fitted studio. Courtesy of her lady-love. The scene just brings back memories of when Sherie Jaffe bought Shane a hair salon. Why do people keep buying Shane property? A couple of stone on her scrawny ass would be better.

Shane: I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve any of this.

Jenny: Yeah, you do. You put up with my annoying, childish behaviour and are the most interesting thing about me this season, other than my murder, of course.

Ok, I made that bit up.

Turnaround: Back in the land of the grown-ups, Bette call to ‘T’ (couples’ nicknames are so cute) that the car taking her to the airport has arrived.

Tina: Doesn’t it feel crazy to have Marcie come here?

Yes! It’ll be a zany two-worlds-collide comedy! Anyway, in a wonderful turnaround in their relationship, Bette tells Tina not to worry about anything; she’ll call her from the gallery opening, so Tina is to concentrate on getting some new movie off the ground. Isn’t it great when relationships actually evolve? Like in real life? Sigh……the what-could have-beens are the most depressing part of this show.

Butch McHammer, who has been listening to this loving scene, asks Bette is she’s ok.

Butch: Is your sister going to New York?

Bette: Tina’s not my sister, she’s my partner. She’s Angelica’s other mother.

Butch, who has obviously just arrived in the gayest part of gayland from Mars: I get that your partners, I just though that you were sisters.

Now I love my sisters. But I ain’t kissin em like that y’all. Turns out Butch is going to the opening of the gallery the next day coz “openings are a great place to meet the fellas, and I. Am. Looking!” Poor Bette, the concept of a straight, butch woman is an alien to her as the rat’s tail hair-cut the woman sports.

Broken hearts and misunderstanding: At Hit, Sunset Boulevard is spinning the decks while Helena swims to the bottom of a bottle of liquor. She is approached by Kit who does her “ohhh guuurl, you are a mess” thing. Helena loses it tells her to eff off. Kit sighs and heads over to Sunset Boulevard who has been watching what looks, to her, like a lover’s tiff.

Kit: Helena messed up. She really needs to fix this thing with Dylan. they belong together.

Sunset B: Helena and Dylan? But don’t you love Helena?

Kit: yeah I love her.

Sunset: Then why are you pushing her to into someone else’s arms? You two have more than just a romance, you’re partners. You’re good for each other.

Kit, seeing the funny side: You actually though I was a lesbian?  See my body it doesn’t respond to it’s own kind.

Running her hands up Sunset’s ample biceps she tells him “hoo, this is what I’m talking about”. Kit heads over to sort out a fight Helena has started, leaving a very confused sunset behind.

Openings: Bette, in the most un-lesbian pair of shoes, is with Kelly at the gallery, getting everything set up and basking in the glow of major critics promising to attend the opening. Poor Kelly’s eyeballs are protruding even further out of her head than usual while checking out the delectable Ms Porter. Bette is either oblivious or couldn’t give a damn coz her lady just called from New York. The two of them chat intimately about how proud they each are of the other, when Kelly interrupts to say there is a minor crisis. Bette says her goodbyes to Tina only to be told that the crisis is oyster-related. Will there be enough?

Ok, besides the fact that that ain’t no crisis, whenever you hear ‘oysters’ mentioned on telly, you know there’s going to be a food-poisoning outbreak. OK, maybe that’s just me watching Drop Dead Gorgeous too often.

Bette balks to Kelly that she shouldn’t have gotten her off the phone to Tina for this oyster malarky to which Kelly replies that it didn’t look that important, it seemed like Tina was just checking up on her.

Bette: No, we don’t do that. We support each other.

Kelly: Well then what about tonight? that doesn’t seem very supportive.

Bette, slowly like she’s talking to a child: Kelly, it’s taken us a long time to get to this point. But Tina’s work is just as important to her as mine is to me. And that’s a good thing. it’s good for our relationship, it’s good for our bank account.

Kelly: I’m surprised. She struck me as your wife.

Bette, laughing: No, not a wife.

Hmmm, is this lost in translation? Is ‘wife’ a dirty word for something in the US, or could the L Word be slagging off a woman who stays at home, supports her partner and raises their kids? Toughest job on the planet as far as I can tell. Although maybe that doesn’t work for TiBette, as it’s only since Tina went back to work that their relationship has started to work.

Try some: Jamie owns a loft. A huge, gorgeous loft. How does she afford this? Whatever. Jamie decides to get changed, she also opts to do this in front of a mirror so the girls can see. Just shag already.

Picture perfect: The gallery opening. Lots of people. Photos. Gorgeous smiles.

Kit is looking at what looks like Angelina Jolie off set, wondering who the girls beside her is. She is approached by Sunset Boulevard sans drag gear. She doesn’t recognise him. And that, kids, is what happens if you become an alcoholic.

Enter Jenny.

Jenny, looking over at Bette and Kelly: Look at Miss Bette. They make a very beautiful couple.

Kit: theyr’e not a couple.

Jenny: I know but they look like a couple. they’re both tall.

Huh? People must be the same size to lok like a couple? And that, kids, is what happens if you take mushrooms with strangers in a car.

Over at the catering table, Shane is eating an oyster. Jenny says she hates them because they remind her of a guy coming in her mouth. I will NEVER eat an oyster.

The threesome arrive and Alice cuts through the artistic bullshit immediately:

Alice: looks like a giant cat threw up.

We love you Alice.

Nikki arrives and gets past the paps, straight over to Shane who asks to leave with her. But she has cum in her mouth Nikki!!!

Anyway, back to Kit. She’s looking at a pic and Sunset arrives behind her. Don’t use the line Sunset, don’t use the line! Haven’t you seen Tootsie?

He uses the line

Sunset: I thought to myself, that’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I’d love to take her home with me tonight and wake up in the morning with her arms and legs wrapped around me.

What does Kit do? She throws her drink in his face. Watch Tootsie.

Tri Cycle: Our happy threesome are sitting and chatting when Jenny arrives looking for Shane. they haven’t seen her. Jamie says that she feels sorry for Jenny because she ‘wears’ that she’s been hurt. Turns out Jamie worries that she’ll hurt her kids if she has them. Her parents were tough, but it turns out that Tasha’s were too and the two of the chat about it. Alice looks on, surprised that she’s never heard this stuff from Tasha.

Alice: Well Janie, I gotta thank you. Tasha’s never opened up like that before. Maybe it’s becasuse you’re a counsellor.

Jamie: Whatever I can do to help.

In the words of Kit Porter: Mmhm!

Hurl Friend: Shane and Nikki are at her new studio. She is looking through a view-finder at a pic. This is seduction? WTF? You’re on to a sure thing here Shane, get your scrawny ass going here!

She continues to develop a pic. It turns out the image is of Molly. And it is gorgeous. Seriously, I stand corrected Shane, that is one wonderful picture.

Nikki: You are quite the photog Shane. Maybe some time you could shoot me.

Can I?

They start snogging and Shane does what anyone with a soul would do in this situation, she loses her lunch, on the pic of Molly.

Oyster!!! God, I hope she’s the only one from the gallery who got stung or we could have a disaster for Bette.

Peek-a-boo: Bette is home and paying the babysitter when Kelly arrives sporting goo-goo eyes (as usual) and a bottle of bubbly. She guilts her way into the house and is a bundle of excited energy, pumped up about the success of the evening. Bette is chuffed too but is much more, hey I do this all the time, no biggie.

They crack open the champers and giggle over their success. Kelly starts to do some serious flirting.

Bette: What are you doing? Are you drunk?

Kelly: No, I’m just cashing in on a rain-cheque.

Bette: Well you’d better be drunk coz that cheque expired 15 years ago.

Kelly: No it didn’t.

Bette: Yes it did. Read it closely.

Ha! Kelly goes in for a kiss and Bette pushes her back, knocking over a glass of the bubbly stuff. As Bette clears it up, Jenny is outside peeping in. As you do.

Bette is on her knees in front of Kelly, so Jenny thinks she sees something that isn’t happening. So what does she do? She takes some pictures of course, all the while tutting:

Jenny: Oh Bette

Popularity: 1% [?]

No related posts.