Some of you may have made it this far without so much as an “atchoo”. Some of you may be as sick as a dog as you read this. Some of you may have already been hit by a cold, and will be again before spring gets sprung.

Here are some tips for the lesbian who’s laid low by one kind of germ or another:

1. Now, this may be difficult to hear for some of you, especially given the festive season (aka booze-fest): avoid alcohol at all costs. Alcohol is an immuno-suppressant, so having a bevvy while you should be bed-ridden could increase your likelihood to either a re-lapse or your cold getting worse.

2. Garlic: not only good for fending off vampires. Garlic has properties to boost the body’s own system, so if you feel you may be coming down with something, guzzle some at the early stages. If you don’t want to smell like a menu’s starter course, there are odourless garlic tablets which can be found at nearly every pharmacy and natural food shop.

3. Get steamy: if you’re head is congested it is no harm to heat up some water (don’t boil), and place it into a large bowl or basin. Grab yourself a towel of some sort, fling it over your head, and lower your now strange looking self over the steaming water. Voila, mini sauna to help unclog your schnozzle, etc. Breathe in the steam through your nose and mouth – adding a drop or two (strictly no more than that!) of eucalyptus oil can make the de-congestion even more effective. (Be sure to dry off your noggin fully when you’ve finished!)

4. Hot drink and honey: Honey is another substance with properties to boost your body’s defences, and it soothes a sore or hoarse throat. Stir it into some hot orange juice or hot lemon juice to help sweat out those nasties, especially when tucked in and ready for sleep.

5. No anti-biotics: If it’s a cold you have, it will be one of the many viruses that cause the “common” cold. Viruses (or virii) cannot be killed by anti-biotics (virii can’t be killed by very much at all, indeed), so taking up a course of anti-biotics won’t do anything to help rid you of a cold, but it will compromise your ability in future to fight off something that would require anti-biotics.

6. Expunge: This sounds vile (and it is), but never ever sniff and swallow. Expel all those nasties at all times – stock up on tissues and never be without them, set up a spitoon if needs be. Perhaps have yourself a handy bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel on standby too, come to think of it.

7. There are myriad pharmaceuticals to dampen the symptoms of a cold. Personally, I swear by a Disprin every now and then, whereas the misses scoffs at those ineffective “jelly tots”. If you can make it out of the leaba, speak to your pharmacist if you’re not sure what might work for you – they’re highly qualified scienticians, and don’t charge you about 60 yo-yos for the privilege of speaking to you. Hooray!

8. Finally, of course, drink plenty of water and rest. It’s important to keep hydrated at all times, so keep a glass or bottle of water beside you (along with all the other accoutrements). And rest: your body needs the opportunity to beat off your cold – none of these remedies will do that, they can only alleviate the symptoms. So if you’re up pottering about, or reading, or (dare I say this?) on the intertubes, then stop! Get under the duvet, switch off the lights, and catch 40 winks.

Above all else, remember: these are just a handful of home remedies and hints. If your symptoms persist beyond 4 or 5 days, contact your GP’s office for advice, especially given that there are more than common colds doing the rounds this winter.

Keep warm and healthy!