Not so many years ago, it was anathema in some gay circles to admit to a desire for marriage.

I didn’t understand that. I come from a place in the world where there were no revolutionaries of any kind. I certainly didn’t understand that marriage could be considered anti-woman. In my mind, marriage was the logical ask. In my culture, I thought, when you fall in love you marry… why shouldn’t this remain true for gay people?

Several times I was blasted by better educated and more mature women who had different experiences, who had thought it all through and determined that they didn’t want to prop up an institution that historically was so ethically suspect. They didn’t understand where I was coming from, and I didn’t understand their experiences and opinions either.

If only this had aired 8 -10 years ago, I would have understood the divide in less time than it took to google the word “heteronormative”.

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These days, we view countries like Canada, Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, South Africa, Sweden and Spain as incredibly liberal countries, because they allow full gay marriage, as opposed to any kind of civil or domestic partnerships.

Civil Partnerships and Same-Sex Marriage both fall short of what the more radical activists envisioned. Often combined with anti-racism, anti-militarism, pro-socialist, pro-choice, pro-feminism ideologies, their vision of the future was one where old institutions were not gutted and remade in a fairer way, but in which those institutions no longer existed, and a new, more rational, compassionate and open system was in place.

There are still plenty of people who are disappointed with the push for civil unions and same sex marriage. They see it as buying into a middle-class, religious, heterosexual ideal that really has nothing to do with gay people and how we live our lives.

In a way, I agree. My relationship is so different from what most of my heterosexual friends and colleagues have, that it’s hard to believe we’re talking about the same social construct. When two partners are of the same sex, the balance in a relationship is radically different compared to most opposite-sex relationships. For instance, division of labour in the home is divided on preference and ability, not historically favoured gender roles.

On the other hand, I know gay people who have married each other. They are married, and the only issue is that the state is failing to recognise it. While I got married in Canada, my marriage isn’t recognised in the country I call home. That has not in any way decreased its meaning for me, nor does it decrease the meaning of the marriages of my friends who have had ceremonies in Dublin, Kildare and Belfast.

The way I see it, marriage has nothing to do with gay people only as long as we are excluded from it. The institution of marriage is shaped by those who make themselves a part of marriage. As time goes on, we will see more and more countries where gay people are able to have state-recognised marriages, but until then, we can start to make it our own.

If you believe in gay marriage and you have found that person, get gay married. Nobody needs to fight for the right to marry. We need to fight for recognition of our perfectly valid marriages.

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