Well, here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson. No, not the character from The Graduate; we’re talking Iris.

Unless you’ve been under a rock (or several feet of snow) during the past week, you will be aware that Iris Robinson has been caught in a big, giant, public tangle of scandalous revelations woven by none other than herself.

On 6th January, UTV broke the story that Iris Robinson had been having an affair and that there were questions over expenses and financial dealings. The programme broadcast two separate statements from Iris Robinson and from her husband, Peter Robinson. Who also happens to be First Minister of the Northern Ireland Assembly, and leader of the DUP.

The following night, BBC Northern Ireland’s Spotlight broadcast their investigative report, based on revelations from individuals who had direct dealings with the Mrs. Robinson, including her former adviser, Selwyn Black; and her former lover, Kirk McCambley.

Now, some people may say that it’s a very ugly exercise, to lower oneself to the level of taking pleasure in someone else’s misfortune. Well, I say bollocks. This whole shitstorm in which Iris Robinson finds herself is brilliant. The woman is a gross, hypocritical gee-bag.

Fun Iris Robinson facts

This is the woman who has offered to recommend homosexuals for therapy (what, like “Pray the gay away”?!). In the same week that a man was badly beaten in a gay-bashing incident, she stated that homosexuality is “an abomination” and makes her feel sick. Later, she said in parliament:

“There can be no viler act, apart from homosexuality and sodomy, than sexually abusing innocent children”

I wonder what makes her feel sicker now: the gays, or this week of horrendous publicity she’s received? It’s actually funny that she refers to homosexuality being an abomination, when Leviticus makes far more statements admonishing adulterers than queers (and even the latter is disputed by scholars).

Also, I’m not surprised that she ranks the gays as being worse than child abusers: she was shagging a teenager. Whom she’d known since he was aged 9. And, after comforting him at the death of his father, she said that she’d like him to be another son to her and for her to be a mother to him. And then she, at the age of 59, shagged him. When he was 19. You sick, oedipal freak-woman!

Reports in today’s Sunday Tribune and The Sunday Life (a tabloid published by The Belfast Telegraph) now allege that she had affairs with two other men – one described as a fellow DUP member, and one described either as “a former shopkeeper” or as Billy McCambley, the late father of Kirk McCambley.

While a member of a local authority, Mrs Robinson secured £50,000 from two developers, in order to set up his business. McCambley claims that she demanded £5,000 in cash from him, which she used to clear her debts.

After McCambley ended the relationship, Robinson demanded the money back from him. Initially, Robinson asked Selwyn Black to obtain two cheques from McCambley: one to be made out to her, and one to be made out to the church of which she’s a member, the Light ‘n’ Life Church.

McCambley is younger than Iris Robinson’s own two sons. McCambley’s mother is younger than Iris.

And now, the end is near

Since the scandal broke, Iris is due to step down from her seats in both Westminster and Stormont, and most recently has been pushed out of the DUP. Her husband’s position as First Minister – and possibly leader of the DUP – is uncertain. The Tribune also reports today that former DUP leader, Ian Paisley, is livid. UTV today reports that the church founded by Paisley, the Free Presbyterian Church, has split.

I’d say they’re not so much “the swish family Robinson” anymore (“swindle family Robinson”? Or, “sleaze family Robinson?”). In your hypocritical, lying shitting faces, you high-and-mighty, judgemental, faux-pious, holier-than-though arseholes.

I’m sure there are smiles on the faces of gays across Ireland and the UK (and I’d imagine on plenty of northern Catholic or nationalist faces, too). The whole thing is delicious!

Haven’t had enough of this wonderful story? A second BBC investigation, this time by the Panorama team, into Iris Robinson’s affair and her financial dealings will be screened tomorrow, Monday, 11th January 2010 at 8:30pm on BBC One.

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