Claire of the Moon is the butt of many a lesbian joke. Why? Well it’s crap for a start – awful clothes, stilted dialogue and dodgy acting by people who seem to think they’re in the lesbian equivalent of Citizen Kane. Also, it reminds those of us of a certain age, just how desperate we were for lesbian characters; so desperate that we paid out enough money for Claire of the Moon to be seen as a hit.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s a rite of passage. You get an extra lesbian star just for sitting through it. Honestly, it’ll be posted out to you with your next edition of the gay agenda. The only value Claire of the Moon has now is comedic.

What about the poor women who had to make the thing? Those ‘ actors’ who had to choke out lines drenched in academic nonsense about sexuality and why we love who we love and something about a “vampire theory” or something. Lord it’s all coming back to me.

Trisha Todd

Trisha originally tried out for the part of Dr Noel Benedict, as you can see in the DVD The Making of Claire of the Moon, which is only marginally worse than the actual film. However, she was given the task of playing the titular Claire a sexy, straight lady on a “journey into her sexual identity”. She’s awful, but no worse than anyone else so maybe she decided to keep her talent at the same level as everyone else’s, so as not to show anyone up. Very nice of her.

We made the film far too personal. I lost control of my performance. I was not shaping it, I was living it. I lost a piece of myself, and my performance clearly reflected this.

You lost a piece of us too Trisha, minutes of our lives we’ll never get back. Trisha never acted again after Claire of the Moon. No, there was no court order, she decided to teach (those who can’t do…) and has been teaching in Portland for a few years. She also wrote a book, The Drive, which is an autobiographical road novel about looking to find the love that she lost. Reviews say that it’s a bit wordy and takes itself a smidge too seriously. Sound familiar?

Karen Trumbo

Karen Trumbo is probably the best thing in Claire of the Moon, at least she looks comfortable in front of the camera and seems to know what she’s doing. We’re not asking for much are we? Karen plays Dr Noel Benedict who we know is a lesbian because she has a man’s name, wears a pinkie ring and has an awful haircut. She’s also spent her complete academic life studying female sexuality; to the detriment of her own. She meets Claire and fireworks ensure; ok maybe damp matches.

Trumbo has acted in many a film in such important roles as Opticians Assistant and Nurse Number 1. She also acted opposite the delectable Katie Sackoff in Fiftteen and Pregnant. Things are pretty bad when that’s a highlight. She hasn’t been on any sized screen since 1998, instead working as an actress in local theatre in Oregon.

Nicole Conn

If we’re throwing around blame here, Nicole Conn should be head of the queue. As writer, director and general boss of Claire of the Moon, the buck stops here. Now, I know you’re going to say “well she made a film, what have you done?” but have you seen the film? She’d have done us a favour by not making it.

The whole things smacks of narcissism too; Karen Trumbo as Noel Benedict is the spitting image if Conn and she is completely poe-faced about the film. She honestly believes it’s good! Well why wouldn’t she when she is the one responsible for the risible film, Cynara: Poetry in Motion? If you thought Claire of the Moon had too many long, lingering shots of scenery and broody women expressing their desire through Joey Tribbiani’s ‘fart acting’, all I can say is avoid this one like the plague.

The real tragedy here though is that Nicole Conn is still making films. In 2005, she made little man, a documentary about the birth of her son who was born very prematurely. She is releasing another film this year, Elena Undone, which, according to imdb:

Peyton and Elena are, on the surface, diametrically opposed – one, a well-known lesbian writer, the other a mother and wife of a pastor – but when their paths cross, several times over, they feel compelled to connect. What begins as friendship quickly blossoms into something deeper. Peyton tries to extricate herself before her heart wants what it can’t have. Elena can’t imagine not having Peyton in her life. And despite the fact that she has never even considered kissing a woman, Elena is overwhelmed with a desire to do just that. Despite Peyton’s reservations, Elena pushes the relationship into a full-blown affair. The two women fall deeply in love, both keenly aware a future together might be little more than a dream

Hmmmm…….sounds like Claire of the Moon. Here’s hoping she’s learnt a thing or two about how not to make a film.