Last post here.

So, you have your donor, you’re doing your thing and bam! you’re preggers. Woohoo! Off to the doc with you and may you be the happiest of mammies.

However, what about month after month nothing. Zero. Nada. That damned line is looking mockingly at you. What have you done wrong? What could you do better? Is there something wrong with you/your partner/your donor?

First of all, woah! Stop the brain from over-doing it. This is the most erratic of roller-coasters you’re on. Your emotions will be all over the place. No matter how many times you say you won’t do it, you’ll be convinced each month that this is the month. You’re only human.

Not to undermine the role of the non-biological mother-in-waiting, but as difficult as it is for us, it is so much harder for your partner. Should you have problems getting pregnant, she will blame herself and her body. Ignore her if she says she isn’t; she is

There is one reason for your difficulties that so simple you’ll overlook it. If your straight friends/family are trying to get pregnant, they have as much sex as they can when the woman is fertile. We get one shot (if you’ll excuse the use of the word), maybe two if your donor is available, every month. We’re searching for a pub on Good Friday, but they have it on tap at home.

There are things you can do, though. You can take one or two months out to chart your fertility, using the indicators you can pick up in any chemist. If you decide to do this I strongly recommend doing it for more than one month as you get a better average. After a few disappointing months, my partner and I  decided to chart her fertility scientifically, to check that we were on the right track. It turned out that, for months, we were on the wrong day. Also be aware that, just because she has been fertile on day-11 for months, she may not be fertile until day-12 one month. The body is kookie that way. Just to keep you on your toes.

You can also reassess your donor; maybe he’s not as fertile as you need. If you have the luxury, you can look for another donor. Or think about using a clinic and an unknown donor (mail me for details).

Take breaks from inseminations. It’s exhausting and uses up so much of your reserves that I can’t over-estimate how important it is to just stop for a month or two. When my partner and I would stop for a month we’d always comment on just how relaxed we felt. It’s not that we were feeling hugely stressed-out but it’s internal, you are keeping so much inside that sometimes you just need to give yourself a break.

After two years (count them) of that bloody pregnancy test tutting at us, my partner and I stopped. It was just too much, so we said goodbye and thank you (so, so much) to our wonderful donor.

He had been a great friend before our adventure and I’m happy to say he still is. Donors are amazing; whether they be donating blood, organs or sperm, they are giving of themselves quite literally. To be a sperm donor to a lesbian couple, especially for a journey as long as ours, takes a special person. Each month, he arrived when summoned and did his thing. He never pressured us about the monthly results, never pushed. We wanted him to be anonymous so he never spoke about it when we’d be out with mutual friends. When either he or we were worried, or needed to talk, we were there for each other. It was the perfect blend. Just a pity the egg and sperm didn’t think so. I can’t think of anyone else I know who’d I’d have liked to be the father of my baby’s baby.

Next step, after a few months off and a fabulous holiday; IUI in a treatment clinic.

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