The Real L Word, it has arrived on the shores of America. And may it stay there. The opening is our introduction to the six LA lesbians who have agreed to be followed around by a crew, showing how they live in their natural habitat. Sapphic Safari if you will.

Rose
First sexual experience – boobie in mouth, heroine undone. An enjoyable experience all round and one she wishes to repeat a lot.
First impression – Cute Latina with hypnotic freckles
Looks scarily like – Sara Ramirez

Nikki
First sexual experience  – ripped off her own top and rode her partner sideways.
First impression – Aggressive lady who looks like she’d chew through broken glass; and that’s just from the cut of her eyebrows.
Looks scarily like – Julie from the original V series.

Jill
First sexual experience – moral confusion over what had happened. Apparently sex with a woman is like sex with a man. Emm…..
First impression – Lord I hope she’s not a nurse
Looks scarily like – Abby from ER

Tracy
First Sexual experience – she was 26 and her partner took the reigns. Phwwaaar. It was hawwwwwt.
First impression – Seems odddly normal, in a dropdead gorgeous kind of way.
Looks scarily like – The Lidl version of Angie

Whitney
First sexual experience – she was 9, she licked sour cream and some US ‘candy’ thing off an 11 year old’s breasts
First impression- Looks like she could be fun
Looks scarily like – Leisha Hailey with dreads and tattoos

Mikey
First sexual experience – she was “literally eating pussy the first fucking time I had sex with a woman”. Prizes to be delivered to the address on the back of toilet door in Panti Bar.
First impression- Pain in the arse who loves the sound of her own voice
Looks scarily like – Jennifer Saunders

On to the show. I think Ilene Chaiken may be getting some money from the LA Tourist Board. If not, Ilene, get on the blower. There are so many scenes inter-cut with sun-drenched pictures of the city of fallen angels, The Real L Word is 72% postcard.

We follow dreadlocks and tats Whitney to LAX to pick up a couple friends. She loves women, but not in a bad way. There’s a bad way? The more we see of Whitney, the more my first impression is dashed. She’s a pain in the neck. She’d get up on the crack of a plate, but isn’t “a player”. Where there is Whitney, there are broken hearts.
Next heart to be broken is Sara, her mate from “back in the New York days”; is this an expression we’re supposed to understand or just Whitney trying to seem well-travelled? When it comes to our friend Whit, opt for the more pretentious answer.

Our first lessons on LA lesbians; they all have tattoos and stupid hair styles that must have cost a fortune. Our next lesson; they are all either femme or futch (femme pretending to be butch, kinda like Whitney if you ask me) lesbians who are “more polished”.

It’s five minutes in and I am sick of Whitney. Can we move on please? Also, it’s five mins in and we’ve heard the word “connection” about seven times. Snore.

On to Jill and Nikki. They seem to be the Bette and Tina of this motley crew, having been together for 12 whole months! They seem to have a real, here it is again “connection”.
They’re loaded and stay off the scene as they are the straightest lesbians you’ve even known. Snore. Neeeeext.

Oh god, it’s that Mikey one. The more she talks, the more my first impressions are proving true. Pain in the arse. She does some boring thing in fashion, is loaded and works hard. Yadda yadda, fair play. She seems to be the only one who is completely playing to the camera; almost winking at her own jokes.  “Everyone thinks I’m butch”, no love that’s “bitch”.

She’s dating Raquel, who’s a make-up artist. She seems to be perfect for Mickey, they have a real “connection”, and even have the same blood type, “we’re both type A”. They work hard, are very focused on their careers and work hard and work “super hard” and oh shut up.

Off we go to meet Tracy and her amazing abs. Why we need to know that it’s 3.55pm is anyone’s guess but there it is onscreen. She’s 29 and come out five years ago when she brushed up against someone and felt, you guessed it, a “connection”.
She’s another one who works hard. She also plays hard and walks around in her bra a lot. Not that I’m complaining.
Chatting away to her mammy she seems like a normal type, which sticks out like a sore thumb on this show.

Rose is out on the tiles with her “bitches” looking for that one girl who’ll say yes. She’s a party girl who is in the top 1% ie looks good, has a good job, can show you a good time. Has a huge ego. She came out late at 19, 20 and hasn’t looked back since.

Back to Whitless and her crew of gorgeous women. They party, flirt and have a great time. Enter lesbian drama. Some burd Whitless “hooked up with” shows up and is wondering why our lothario is with Sara. It’s like “totally awkward”.
Why does Whitless give a damn? Coz she’s a lesbian lothario people, so there has to be some “processing” and “discussion” with the women who was basically a score. Once she feels ok about the devastation she left behind, Whit is off back to Sara.

Rose returns back to her flat after a crazy night out, to the World’s Most Understanding Girlfriend. It turns out she was dancing her socks off while her girl was asleep. Nice.

Jill and Nikki are in their mutli-thousand dollar kitchen each on a top of the range Mac, looking up wedding dresses. Doesn’t matter whether you’re looking them up or not Nikki, Jill is gonna make all the decisions. She’s one high-maintenance Type A.

More things we’ve learned – “Keep your options open” and “Keep and open mind” means “Do what I want”; and boobies are like an ass on your chest. Hmmmm…maybe you are a straight lesbian, Jilliki.

It turns out that the gorgeous Tracy is in a relationship. Not only with her girlfriend, Stamie, but also Stamie’s three kids. Yike! Stamie’s ex is also on the scene for obvious child-rearing reasons. See? I knew Tracy was the only adult on this show.

Off we go to see Mikey working. She works hard, did you know that? The next few minutes are all about Mikey being the boss, doling out thanks and complaints in equal portion to her minions. Then it’s about her being a badass fashion-industry type, kicking ass over the phone. We fail to care or be impressed. Seriously, is this supposed to be entertaining TV? It’s the audience who are working hard here.

Sigh, more Whitney. She lives with other people who are so cool it hurts and they’re planning a small get together for other equally cool people.

More things we now know – the ability to chop food makes you a tantamount to a chef; “pumps” are ladies who are effeminite whereas “pants” know how to swing a hammer.
What about my partner who is, at I write, disassembling a chair ready for recycling while also cooking the dinner? Irish lesbians are so much more multi-functional.

We are at Rose’s Dad’s house, where she is surrounded by adoring uncles, dad and granny who don’t care a fiddle about her sexuality. Her and her “mom” don’t talk, but she’s a lucky woman to have so much love in her life. It’s lovely to see a family accept their daughter even if she insists on wearing a cap indoors. Here’s her girlfriend! She’s welcomed openly and she, too, insists on donning her cap indoors. This must be the basis of their “connection”.
Then Rose’s lady suddenly let’s a stink bomb – she wants a baby. Eep! What about Rose being a player? You should see the look on Rose’s face – the head on that!

Mikey is at home at 9.30pm waiting for her woman to cook for her. She works so hard, poor diddums. She’d get a smack in the face with her instant noodles if she did that here.

Whitless; cool people, cool party; power of the clam. Wait, what?! Yes, ladies Whitney possesses the power of the clam. Don’t all women?

Mikey getting ready for bed, cuddles and more playing for the camera. Her girlfriend works so hard that she can’t be without make up; even in bed she is caked in the stuff. They have such a “connection”.

Nikki and Jill are in a swanky cafe wearing matching tops, to see their wedding organiser. We want it to be elegant, Jewish but non-denominational (huh?), with gorgeous flowers and candles and on and on and on. Jill worked hard and works hard and so thinks money shouldn’t be an option for the wedding. What is it with these girls and working hard? Get a life ladies!

Rose and her girlfriend are getting ready for a night out with their friends. Whitless is doing the same. I want a beer.

Whit arrives and surveys the area like a tiger weighing up her prey. She’s with Sara but sees Tracy across the room. In what is such an obvious set-up by the makers of the show, she tries to chat up Tracy but she ain’t having any of it. Then we have more “processing” between Whitless and Sara. Snore.
Rose is in the same bar, or they’re all looking the same at this stage, being her flirting self when her girlie picks her up on it. She wants her to be herself but to remember that she’s in a relationship. And this is the woman with whom she wants to have a baby?

They all head home for some sexy-time, which in the lesbian world is means wife-beaters, candles and tattoos.

Next day, Sara is heading home and it’s breaking poor Whiney’s heart. Why do I want someone I can’t have? Because you can’t have her you eejit. If you could, you’d be on to the next one as quick as you can say LAX. speaking of which, she drops Sara off to one airport gate and then heads over to another to pick up another “friend”.

And that’s it. Pants. All it proves is that lesbians are like everyone else, vacuous, selfish and fucked-up. Great, thanks Ilene.

For the stalker in you, check what the girls are up to here
Or read their blogs here

Popularity: 3% [?]

No related posts.