Becoming the mammy, part 1
Tags: Adoption, Child support, embryo adoption, family, Folic acid, gay families, Home, insemination, known donor, Law, Pregnancy, self insemination, Sperm donation 
When you’re lesbians and want a family, everything is about trust. Because our family will be invisible in the eyes of the law, and our lives are not predefined by traditional roles, our intentions need to be clear and spelled out. We need to explain ourselves to each other. And we need to be careful about who we decide to trust.
Because our family will not be recognised as such under Irish law, we need to trust that our donor will not seek to undermine our family and seek custody. He, in turn, needs to trust that if he helps us out right now, that we won’t turn around in later years and seek child support or involvement that he does not want.
For that reason, it’s really tempting to involve as few people as possible in the creation of our families. Anonymous sperm donors are popular. Embryo adoption is a really interesting option too.
While I’m not overly bothered that my child’s genetic material include any of mine — I have friends with adopted children and I don’t see them as less of a family because they lack a genetic link — there is something comforting about using a known donor. I’ll be the first person to admit that my reasons are not altogether rational. I’m certain that goodness and personality are not inherited. But on the off chance that they are, I’m happy to know my (currently hypothetical) child will have nothing to worry about.
My partner and I have decided to start a family. We have a friend who has volunteered to help us out. In two weeks, all going to plan, we will make our first attempt to get pregnant. I’m a bit mortified by what needs to happen. We’ll meet our friend and hand him a cup. He will go away and then come back with the same cup, which will then contain ejaculate. There is no way to construct a polite fiction around this. It is all very naked and weird and necessary.
It can also be hard, frustrating and emotional. I know friends who’ve tried for years and haven’t been successful. I try and tell myself it’s all about just trying and seeing what happens, no expectations. But it’s really hard not to hope that I’ll be like my friend who, at 33, got pregnant the very first time she and her husband went without contraception. Or my work colleagues — the last two pregnancies at work were both (happy) accidents. Will I blame myself if I don’t conceive? Probably. Straight people make it look so easy.
In the meantime, I’m taking my temperature, checking my “icky sticky” (see video below), taking vitamins that contain folic acid, working out and eating right. Also, reading everything OtherMother has written.
I will let you all know how it goes. Or if it doesn’t go, as the case may be.
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Very best of luck to you both, such an exciting time! I am single and lightyears away from starting/ thinking about starting a family. However the recent change in UK law regarding lesbian parents (both womens names will be put on birth cert if conception occurs via registered fertility clinic) have made me seriously see this as an option for my theoretical future. It would be a huge safety net to know that both parents are legally recognised as such in at least one jurisdiction. But of course what you said is 100% true, at the end of the day the most important thing is trust.
Thanks! It’s really cool what’s happened in the UK. I didn’t realise it was only for couples who’d used fertility clinics. That makes it a little less cool. But still, way better than anything we have here.
my partner are planning to start a family and its great to read something about it. Its crushing when it fails but whats meant to be will be but it is very hard to not have expectations. In our case although I am the youngest babys aint an option for me but she is 37 so her chances are less but we will try. In truth we are lucky that we have the doner and thats all he is but that new law in England just seems like more restrictions. Not everyone can afford a fertility clinic and some chose (as we will) to do it the old turkey baster way. Again its just more money and control over the family unit but yes miles away from what exists here.
@mel you’re right. If the law is fair it should be available to all regardless of income and ability to pay out to clinics. As far as I know, it is only applicable to fertility clinic assisted couples because the sperm donor will be 100% anonymous and also will legally have no connection to any offspring. So the only two parents are the two women. But of course this ignores the fact that thousands of lesbian couples co-parent children who were conceived as you put it “the old turkey baster way”. Frustrating that even an unfair and flawed law like this still represents the very best deal LGBT families can expect at the moment.
Hi
Firstly good luck!!!!! Secondly if you havent come across these http://www.softcup.com/about-us/softcup-coverage/116-instead-submits-fda-application-for-softcup-as-otc-fertility-aid.html they are definately worth investing in 
We have recently enough been through the same process and now have a lovely
11 month old daughter. After way too much messing about and weird feet in
the airness and sticky icky shit for the first three months attempts I came
across the softcups and they worked 2nd attempt with them. A lot less arsing about the place too lol
Hope it all goes well.
@Michaela I’d read about the softcups. I use a menstrual cup anyway, so I was thinking I’d use that. I wonder if they’re as effective.
@Mel Good luck! I hope it works out for you both.
Thanks for support I will cheak out that link.