So where were we with our sextuplets? Self-obsessed, Sapphic saps with more money and tattoos than sense; oh yeah, there we are.

We open with Whitney (right) answering the question “what kind of lesbian am I?”. A filthy lesbian who needs a good scrubbing at your nearest STI clinic? No, apparently she’s a “hard femme, soft butch”. Typical of Whitney to have thought about this indepthly. This one loves herself so damn much:

Whitless – What am I, what am I? I’m hot, ok, I’m talented, yeah. But label, am I butch or femme? Well look at you girl, you are so damn fiiiiiine, but you’re also so tough and cool. Hmmmm…..I think I’m a mixture. Hard femme – oooohhh I like that! Hard femme! Oh but I need balance so all the girls will know I’m tough but soft, hard but emmmm like soft y’know. Hard femme, soft butch!!! God I’m good. Mmmhmm, look at you. Where did I leave that vibrator?

Nikki says she’s labelled as a lipstick lesbian, that’d be as a result of all of that lipstick Nikki; not a big jump there.

Tracy (sigh) says that she’s a lesbian like anyone else, she likes women. And we like you, Tracy. Apparently she hates questions like “what kind of lesbian are you?”. See, Whitney, this is a person who doesn’t think they are the centre of the world. Whitney? Stop looking in the mirror.

Rose is a Renaissance lesbian. Oh my sides!! So, Rose, in which areas do you excel, hm? Drinking, flirting, egomania – these may have been characteristics of Popes during the Renaissance, but they’re nothing to do with being a Renaissance lesbian. Oh, it turns out that she doesn’t know what the term means; bless. Don’t use it then, love.

Jill and her overly-toned arms says that these “terms are kinda new to me”. What, like ‘lesbian’? Dearie, you’re marrying a woman, maybe you too should have a chat. She has a point though when she said that you’d never ask a straight person what kind of straight person are they. Me? I’d never ask a lesbian what kind of lesbian they are, but hey! we Irish are a crazy bunch.

Mikey is a “Mikey lesbian”. Emm…did she say ‘Mikey’ or ‘Dykey’?

On with the show. We left Whitney as she was picking up a ‘friend’ and the airport. This is Tor – every time I hear that name I think of Bring It On, oh Eliza how we miss you. anyway, Tor is the cousin of Whitney’s housemate, Alysssa. You still with me? Well, Tor is in LaLa land to ‘do hair’ and shall be living with the girls in Whitney’s bed. Yes, that same bed that still has the remnants of her nights with Sara. Classy eh?
I don’t feel bad for her though, she threw her chewing-gum out the car window; ick!
Inanyway, Whitney is delighted to tell us they are “U-hauling it” even though they’re not dating. Sounds like your dream come true Whitless.
Alyssa tells us that she’s worried about her cousin, as heartbreak is on the horizon. Now, Alyssa seems like the type of person we’d want to follow around. Why not her? Oh, coz she’s not self-obsessed enough to apply. Dang.

It’s Mikey! For some reason she’s telling us about how tough her life was as a child; drive-bys and all manner of The Wire shenanigans. In fairness, it sounds pretty awful. Then, in an odd tangent, she starts to go an about LA Fashion Week. She refers to this so much in this ep that I’m cutting it down to La FAWK; prepare to hear a lot about it.
They’re in some studios looking for a venue for La FAWK, blah blah, biggest one ever, yadda yadda, raw space. Hang on that reads like an ad for an STI clinic. Is Whitney around?

Tracy, Stamie and the kiddies are doing their Saturday morning thing; there’s coconut, learning colours and having serial. Stamie is under no illusions about how lucky she is to have a woman as open to the kids and their demands as Tracy is.

Jilliki (or Nill as my sister-in-law calls them) have optioned a book about fluid sexuality. So they are meeting the writer to talk about it. It’s as interesting as I’ve made it sound. Jill is stoked as it’s like so close to like her experience. Nikki, I really feel like I need to say this to you, just two words: Anne Heche. All this, “I love the person not the gender” stuff? Next stop, planet Heche. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Tracy and her lady, Stamie, are off to play some basketball, they look like they’re having a good time. See? Normal people! Then it’s off the the Abbey (not like our ones), the hub of lezzie life in LA. But who is there? Why Whitney of course!

Whitney goes on about how complicated her lust-life is. Tor isn’t with her, so obviously she can shag who she likes. Anyway, they are gong for one, but it turns into an Irish one, and suddenly it’s midnight and they’re all sloshed. Romi shows up. They ‘process’ the ‘transition’ in their ‘relationship’. Then snog. Whatever.

It’s Rose’s turn. Her and her lady, Natalie, celebrate their anniversary monthly. Such lesbians! Why? “Coz I don’t know if we’ll get passed the month, baby”. Never a truer word was said Natalie. So they go for dinner, during which rose makes everything about herself. Can she utter a sentence without “me” or “I” in it?

Being with you makes me a better person.
Cheers to you believing in me.
Cheers to my love, you’re lucky you got it

Whitney is on the phone to Romi, more processing. Seriously, these girls should work for Batchelors or Heinz or something.

Mikey, La FAWK, yadda yadaa. She’s being inducted into the Chamber of Commerce to network and all that jazz. Did you know she works hard? Her career is very important.

More Whitless. Herself and Alyssa the Normal run a company that do special effects make up. Do you care? Didn’t think so. She got sick once. Still don’t care? Me neither.

Jilliki are in LAX picking up Derrick, Jill’s bud from back in the day. She’s all jumping puppy for him. But she’s driving holding his hand and he’s in the back seat! Seriously, that’s just dangerous; the look on Nikki’s face tells me she agrees.

Tracy meets a friend in a strangely-empty cafe. They chat and say “like” a lot. Seriously, that’s the whole scene. This show is just rubbish people.

Rose’s dad comes over to talk to her. He seems cool. He’s worried that she’s drinking too much and partying too much. Are these scene getting shorter or just less interesting? Neeeext!

Whitney flirts with Tor. Neeeeext!

Mikey’s do to be inducted into the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. She’s kind of cute actually with her “where’s my girlfriend” fretting; all looking at her watch and glancing at the door. The hug they share when she shows up is cute too. Oh my god!! Am I getting soft? Quick put Whitney back on!

Tracy; she’ll do in a bind. Get that picture out of your head, bold thing. She’s woken by a cute little two year-old at 6.30am. They are seriously cute kids. What is kind of weird is that Tracy’s beloved dog sleeps on her bed, deep under the covers. that can’t be a good thing; the dog could smother and I’m not even going there about “loving your pets”.

Mikey; La FAWK; le snore. the “raw space” she really wanted for La FAWK has been taken by someone else. Who cares? All I want to know is why she wears sunglasses indoors all the time?

Rose is having games night with her friends, one of whom calls her Eva Mendes, to which my partner snorted and said “ffft, you wish”. Anyway, it’s pretty much a frat party; shots, more shots, showing of boobs. You know, the kind of thing a Renaissance woman gets up to. Rose’s lady, Natalie, is not impressed.

Meanwhile, Whitless is going to a party which will include Romi; Tor is not impressed.

I’m still watching; impressed?

But wait! Something interesting is afoot! Alyssa the Normal gives Whit a piece of her mind. Woot!

“Did you tell her that, because it doesn’t seem like it” (that she’s unsure of Tor)
“You’re going to piss me off”
“You’ve told me that you don’t want a relationship and yet you are going to have an interaction with someone who is only interested in being in a relationship with you” (Romi)
“How many times are you going to hurt the same person” (Romi)
“How many times is Romi going to leave a room crying?”

We love you Alyssa!! Quick, Whitney, look. An adult! Please Ilene and co can we follow her instead?

Back to the train-wreck that is Rose and Natalie. Games night remember? Tits and shots. Anyway, Natalie is not a happy camper and Rose? Well, Rose is mad at her because this is her night with her friends and Natalie shouldn’t be there. She lives there love.
They fight. Natalie says that maybe she should move out and Rose agrees. Then what does this peach of a woman do? She goes back to her party and has a great time while Natalie is crying in bed.

These are the people representing your community, ladies. Thanks Tracy and Alyssa for putting the “real” in The Real L Word.

I know we’re a week behind in the recaps, but fear not, I’ll bet getting the next one up before Sunday, god help me.

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