It’s Valentine’s Day in LaLa Land and Jilliki think it’s a “big day of mush”

Can you imagine being in love with your best girlfriend? That’s what it’s like all the time. Amazing!

Awww, that’s kinda cute. Oh god here’s Rose. Tell us Rose, how is Valentine’s Day about you, just as everything else in your life is?

I’ve never been alone on Valentin’s Day. In my twenties I’d have Valentine’ s Day with two or three girls a year.

Cue eye-roll.

Whitney who for some reason is starting to sound like a goodfella:

If I’m with someone, Valentine’s Day is the most romantic day of the fucking year. If I’m alone, all those chocolates can fuck off. Badda-bing

OK, I added the badda-bing. You’re such a classy bird Whit. For Tracy, the Valentine’s Days she’s had with women were more memorable. For Mikey, Valentine’s Day means

fucking nothing! It’s a ridiculous holiday created by greeting card companies to make more money

Ah, spoken like a woman who is either alone, mean or both. We all think it, but we all have to succumb.

Inanyway, remember last week? Rose was a fecker of a girlfriend, got drunk and tried to look the lad in front of her mates? Well, all seems to be forgotten and forgiven in the cold light of day. Herself and Natalia are cooking brekkie and looking forward to Valentine’s Day. Healthy relationship there.

Jill is on. God this woman would find something profound in an empty chip bag. “I feel so free….I feel living honestly has made me more honest” or something else wishy-washy. Off herself and Derrick (her friend who wants more) head to buy a video camera for Nikki’s Vally’s Day pressie. Seriously, we spend three whole minutes of screen-time with her buying an effing camera. Top TV here.

Mikey is doing the lesbian thing, playing tennis with her friend Lisa. Apparently, Mikey’s lady Racquel has to work for Vally’s Day. Hmm…but why the disappointment? We though you didn’t care about the day, eh Mikey?

Nikki meets her “mom” at her dance studio and after lots of air kissing and talking about nothing with her “mom’s” and her friend of Dorothy dance partner, Nikki books dance lessons for herself and Jill as a gift for Valentine’s Day. Sweet Jesus people enough with the Valentine’s Day!

Finally we get back to the “real” lesbians in The Real L Word. Stamie is in the kitchen and looking after the kids when Tracy calls

Tracy: What are you doing?

Stamie: I just put on some lingerie and was thinking of you

These two are so cute Apparently they are celebrating that day (I’m sick of typing Valentine’s) with the kids so they are having their own dinner the night before. Tracy comes over and the two of them are trying to have a conversation but the kids are taking up their attention. Tracy says to camera that she finds it tough when she’s had a tough day in work and can’t just “download” with her girl. I love you Tracy but if you’re not talking software, please don’t ever use that work again. Thank you.

Rose’s lady, Natalie, is getting some sexay piccies of herself taken in lingerie – soft-porn-lite. She’s a shy girl so this is a real leap for her, but the dykey photographer is a doll and they have a laugh. My bi sister-in-law actually squealed during this scene. I think there was some miaow-ing too. Kids eh?

Rose, meanwhile, is on the phone making final arrangements for her V day gift. Her dog is cute. Look I’m trying to find nice things to say ok?

It was a nice Whitney-free 16 minutes but unfortunately it had to end. She has no idea who her V is, so many women only one day. She’s decided to concentrate on work. However, you know what that means? an instant introduction of a work colleague who fancies her. I need a shower.
This is a producer dude who wants her to act in a film. Could her ego get any bigger? She takes it in her stride coz, you know, she’s Whitney and people want her. But she’ll have to have a love-scene with a bloke. Ick! But, y’know  she’s Whitney and that’s cool; he’ll probably fall in love with her. If she’s going to be on-screen, she feels like she should work out and get buff. Try eating something other than pussy for once.

Tracy and Stamie are trying to get the kids to bed so that they can have there day-before-V-day dinner. Sometimes though, it just ain’t so easy. There are nights when the kids hop off to their jimmy-jams and Fanny’s your aunt. And then there are night like this one; tears, tantrums and exhausted parents. It’s also the first night they’re off their “binkies”, soothers, which Stamie says “they’re coming off crack”. The two poor wrecked women miss their dinner reservations and end up having a glass of wine at home, hoping the kids will stay asleep. Now that’s what you call reality television.

Jilliki wake up at 6.15am and they wake up without any grogginess. Come on! Now you’re in the land of make-believe. And look at their hair! Not a bit of bed-head. They swap pressies and coo to each other. Nauseous. Don’t you just hate people in love on V Day? Bitter? Me? As if.

Whitney has chosen a trainer to buff her up, she arrives to meet Whitless and is a babe. Whit turns on the charm. This is boring people, boring! Neeeeext. Sexy-trainer tells her that she, if she wants to get buff, she has to give up smoking, drinking and partying. Hah! Brilliant! There’s one woman’s knickers you ain’t seeing Whit.

Tracy, Stamie and the kids are celebrating V Day brekkie when the nanny arrives and takes the kids to the park. The two ladies catch their breath and have lunch and a chat. Feel “downloaded” now, Tracy?

Mikey is a pain in the arse. Just when I decide that I don’t like her, she goes and does something wonderfully selfless. What a bitch, eh? As she can’t spend that day with her girl, she decides to spend it with her aunt, Kat, who practically raised her. Her aunt is a busy lady with things to do, but Mikey drags her out, takes her to a salon and sits back as auntie is treated like a queen. All on Mikey’s dollar. Her aunt is completely over-whelmed and in tears. It’s a gorgeous moment. Pity Mikey wears her sunglasses indoors, at night.

Back to Rose and Natalie. Why is it that everything Rose does seems forced? She creates this fairytale V Day outing for her lady but it just seems insincere. It’s not about what Natalie might want but it’s as if she has to make sure that she makes it perfect and if Natalie doesn’t like it it’s her fault. Maybe I just don’t forgive as easily as Natalie does.
Rose brings her to a classy hotel, hey have a romantic dinner, just them and a waterfall and Natalie has a massage. It’s lovely but staged, if ya ask me.

Tracy and Stamie are having a big party with the kids, pizza and friends. Seems kinda cool actually, except for the noise. Are all kids that noisy? Stamie presents Tracy with a gift; a key to the house. Cute.

By complete co-incidence (ahem) the make-up lady in the Mikey’s Aunt Kat’s salon is Romi. Remember Romi? Don’t blame you, except for that feather-earring thing she’s got going, she’s kinda forgettable. She’s one of Whitter’s shags. They process a lot. Mikey and Romi are chatting and Romi is opening up about Whit.
Mikey and Romi get chatting and decide to drag all of the salon workers out for drinks.

Whitney is in the bath. There are not enough bubbles. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. She gets a call from Romi inviting her out for drinks with her work mates and Mikey. Whit pretends to think about it, but we all know she’ll go. Back in the bar, Mikey is drunk. She is a great drunk. You know one of those funny, affectionate and over-gesticulating drunks? That’s our Mikey. It’s gas. It’s also clear that she’s hugely disappointed not to be spending V Day with Racquel. Bit of a softy our Mikey.

Whitless arrives and her and Mikey immediately hit it off. Not like that….ewww. They just have a ball and, as Mikey gets drunker, she gets softer and funnier. Romi, however, is forgotten about as our ‘stars’ have a good time.
Mikey, even though she’s out of her bin, notices that Romi feels down, so she leaves the other two to enjoy the rest of V Day together. Even drunk she’s more sensitive than Whitless, who brings Romi home and shags her.
So romantic

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