I know! I’m way overdue, sorry ladies. I will endeavor to catch up asap. It’s just such tripe, that I’m putting these recaps on the world’s longest finger. Ooo-er…

So, sex. Our intro question is “What’s the difference between sex with a man and sex with a woman?”. You mean you don’t know? Scarleh for ya.

Mikey – One I like and one I don’t

Whitney – Me me me me me

Jill – We have hands, we have mouths…..(men have those too love)

Nikki – We’re not one-hit-wonders, we can go and go

Tracy – Lesbian sex is then two vaginas rub together and don’t catch on fire. ROFL!

Rose – It’s more than just sticking your dick in her pussy… (sorry to ruin it for you but men do more than that, Rosie me auld flower)

So misandry and strange ideas about the male physique aside, off we head into the lives of ‘real lesbians’ in LA.

Mikey is going to Las Vegas with her assistant and intern as there is some fashion convention on. Did you know that she’s organising LA Fashion Week? No? I know! She’s hardly mentioned it, the blushing young thing.

She’s gonna miss her lady, Racquel. Not enough to remove those bloody sunglasses.

Jilliki are cutting costs for the wedding by hiring dress designers. Huh? I dunno, they mustn’t have Family Album in LA. Maybe there are so many designers out there that they do deals. No, sorry, still don’t see how they can think this will be cheap.

We see designs, they coo and ooh and ahh. It’s cute though when the designers leave and Jilliki stop trying to be cool and just jump around hugging all excited. Don’t squeeze too tight girls, you’ll snap something.

Whitney…god here we go. Shortened version:

Whitney – I stayed at Romi’s last night

Alyssa the Normal – you big selfish eejit! You’re playing with her feelings. OK anyone who wears that effing earring can’t have many feelings, but you’re playing with them bitch!

Ok, maybe I make some of that up, but that’s what she meant. Honest. What she does say is:

I wanna kill you a little bit coz I’m watching you do things that I don’t agree with.

We love you Alyssa. Whitney then blabs to the screen about herself. Shut up.

We leave selfish douche-bag to meet up with Thorn, I mean Rose, and her lady. Natalie is redoing her CV, or resume to those yanks, and of course Rose takes over. The dog is so cute.

Natalie thinks Rose is “assisting her”, bless your innocence.

Mikey and the girls are on the road to Las Vegas having fun and loads of banter when talk turns to sex. What is sex between two women? Yadda yadda. Oral sex isn’t sex? Since when? Sex is only penetration? What is this, the 17th century? Sex is what you want it to be.

Tracy the Gorgeous is with her girl, Stamie, looking at a house which Stamie will be selling in her role as realtor.  While they prepare the house, Tracy is helping with suggestions and suddenly thinks “I could do this”. Ah, Americans. If I think it, I can do it. Gotta love their naivety.

Mikey and crew arrive in LV and she drops the old La Fawk line, so they get an upgrade. You should see this room. It’s bigger than my apartment. It’s even custom-built for lesbians, complete with pool table. Nice.

Mikey’s cool exterior falls away and she’s jumping around the place like a kid. It’s cute. In a Mikey way. She’s a bit bummed though that she’s there without Raquel. So she calls her to squee and Raquel tells her that she’s worked things so that she can come to LV too. Mikey is a chuffed monkey.

She opens up a bottle of bubbles and tells the girls that she’s going to surprise Raquel by organising a wedding. Squee!

Whitless (I know, why can’t we just stick with Mikey? Don’t ever remind me that I said that) decides to take Alyssa’s advice and talk to Tor. Little does she know that Tor is a grown-up; that wonderful creature who is mature and knows herself. Tor pretty much tells Whitless that she’s a selfish cow. Hah! As Whitney tries to explain why she thinks with her hoohoo, Tor rolls her eyes. More hah! We like you Tor.

Whitney wants to be able to do what ever she wants. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and I’m not going to be that guy

As a friend, that’s fucked up. You haven’t even been a good friend.

You’re living in your own world, in Whitney’s world.

WOOHOO!!! Camera man…follow her…she’s a real person with real feelings and oh and a brain for god’s sake. But she’s bisexual so we can’t. This is about lesbians remember. If ever there was a lesson in the wrongs of discrimination.

Whitney denies living in her own world – 5 times! the more you deny, the more you confirm. Just ask St Peter. Or any member of the Catholic church.

The girls are immediately on board and call around the chapels to arrange things. Bless their hetero socks, they’re amazed when they can only find one that will partnershipify a gay couple. Find one they do and Mikey is welling up with emotion. Or getting drunk on champagne. Not sure which.

The three Las Vegas ladies are as excited as a nun in a field of cucumbers when the phone rings. it’s Raquel. She missed her flight. Mikey is broken-hearted but says nothing and is very supportive, calming down an hysterical Raquel on the phone. Awwww.

Then we get to hear how she thinks that things work out for a reason. On 9/11 Mikey was supposed to be on one of those infamous planes but missed her flight. Her samples and business stuff was on the flight so she lost everything, but not her life. So, it’s all good Raquel.

Jilliki get word from the designers. The dresses are expensive. Em..of course they are. You got designers! Sigh. They are over $6,000 per dress. I have the latest Family Album just here ladies. They are, rightly, livid about the cost. So they send a mail off to the ladies to see if they can be more realistic. I should say though, that Nikki reads this out as Jill writes it. Are they the same person? Is it symbiosis? Can only one of them think at any one time? Such lezes.

Then they get word from their wedding planner, Camila. Not a good morning in the real world, is it ladies? Camilla is asking for over $7,000. she has brought it down from $9k but they still think it’s too much. So they call to haggle. Or should I say Nikki does, as you know, one brain. Oh my god, Jill speaks! They’ll check it over and get back to her tomorrow. Are you at the edge of your seat? The word, people, is “riveting”. You don’t get telly like this everyday.

Long story short, Camilla is lovely, they feel guilty haggling, they pay the fee. Trust me, I saved you a good chunk of time there.

Mikey is in LV, going to the convention. They are all business and networking and all that jazz.

Raquel is coming and is excited about it, we think she is but it’s hard to see her under all that makeup. She calls Mikey to pretend that she missed her flight again, so that when she does arrive it’ll be a surprise. It isn’t. Mikey is not an impressed bunny. She’s stressed about La Fawk, still down about the wedding that wasn’t (although Raquel doesn’t know that this was supposed to happen) and it’s all been a bit of a roller-coaster emotionally. We think she is but it’s hard to tell under those bloody sunglasses.

Oh it’s Tracy! Hi Tracy! She’s meeting Stamie for lunch. They talk about their days; Tracy is knackered in work and wants to do something else. Stamie is doing her weekly stand-up that evening so she invited a commercial agent and a print agent to come along to meet Tracy. We’re supposed to know what those two things are, so I checked. They’re model agents. Stamie thinks that Tracy should model. No-brainer; she’s a babe, she’s tall and she’s skinny. Sorted!

Whitless has her work-out session with Miranda. We have a montage. We put the kettle on. Whit wonders if Miranda’s gay. We make the tea.

Mikey shows Raquel her cool hotel room and they play strip pool. There are some things I don’t need to see. Mikelle in the bath is one. Look, they seem like nice people in love but hey, I don’t think anyone would want to see my and my lady in the tub. Jess saying.

I’d been enjoying the lack of Rose in this episode. All good things come to an end though. She’s at home, on the phone to work. She has too much work and needs an assistant. Natalie needs a job. Uh-oh. Is that an ice-berg captain?

Natalie decides she’ll work for Rose. No!!!! Now you’ll be her bitch at home and at work. Apparently rational Natalie needs to take over the rest of her

Rational Natalie is like, what the fuck are you doing.

Amen sister woman! Then she starts to play with Rose, pointing to her ring finger and Rose gets in a huff. What are you, 12?

Stamie is doing her stand-up thing and she’s not too bad. I was ready to get embarrassed for her but she’s going down well. Good on ya, Stamie. The agents are there and they like what they see in Tracy coz they, y’know, have eyes. They tell her that they’ll work with her, and to come into their office. She’s well-chuffed.

Whitless is out with her mates. She had invited Miranda the trainer to come along and is all a-swagger when she does. It’s a gay night and Whitless has no idea what Miranda’s sexuality is. Turns out she’s bi. Whitney thinks that means “take me knickers off now, I want you”.

Sweet Jesus, it’s Romi and her amazing furry earring. Whiney and Whitney, they deserve each other. They ‘process’ while standing on front of a poster for a male night called “Rim Rub”, I notice because it’s the most interesting thing onscreen.

Whitney leaves and drives home with Tor, whose ears she chews about Romi and her incessant whining. I love Tor

I don’t wanna hear anything about it. I don’t care and I’ve no sympathy for Whitney. She made her bed, now sleep in it.

Mikey and Raquel are lying cuddled on the bed and Mikey let’s out about the wedding plans. Raquel thinks it would have been romantic and Mikey agrees saying that they should get married soon. They’re cute. Ok I admit it. Just no more bath scenes please.

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