I am so far behind that I promise, with the help of bottles of beer, to get through two of these piles of muck in one sitting. The things I do for my community.

The off-camera question is “what is a 100-footer?”. The responses:

Jill has no idea because she never knows any of these things. Haven’t they gotten that yet? I bet she’s pretending and behind that exterior hides Dyke Woman; she peels back her skin and is suddenly wearing a tux and sensible shoes, has gained 100 pounds and fights for the rights of women everywhere. While shagging a few along the way.

Mikey thinks it’s a description of her penis. Shows how much she knows about the peni; I mean come on! Isn’t that small?

Nikki boringly enough tells us what it means. Snore.

Whitless thinks she’s a 50-footer. No Whit, it isn’t the average of various specified restraining orders. She thinks she could be a 100-footer is she was butching it up and “building a fence”. Seriously, building a fence is the best she could come up with.

Tracy (hi Tracy!) thinks they may be wearing a flannel shirt and all that stuff. Don’t you just hate it when a gorgeous woman says something stupid? Although she makes up for it when she says “who knows how, they might be German.” LOL!! I thought we were the only ones who played, Gay or European.

Rose says it’s very San Fransisco 1970′s. Just how old are you?

Onwards!

Mikey and Raquel, Las Vegas, nearly married, stage not available for LA FAWK yadda yadda.

Rose and Natalie, Nat hates her job, Rose needs an assistant, imminent danger.

Jilliki, wedding is expensive.

Tracy, model agents love her, new job.

Whitless is a cow.

There ya go, that saved you a few minutes.

Inanyway, the Whitless Wonder is going to San Fransisco to see Sara who she may lurve if she is capable of the emotion, however, with the amount of cracks she’s been filling, I don’t think so. Anyone who is “super stoked” about anything, needs a kick in the head.

Rose is making brekkie and complaining that the house is a mess. Natalie makes her apologies explaining that she’s been working her ass off. Em, when did you become incapable of cleaning your own house Rose? Turns out Rose isn’t happy with Natalie because she hasn’t started to work with her yet. Because Natalie leaving her job is about Rose not Natalie, obviously.

Jilliki are still going on about that bloody wedding planner! Wasn’t that sorted last time? Jesus, these two are so boring it’s like boring-squared.

Mikey and LA FAWK. No venue. Looking for venue. Finds great venue. Venue too expensive. Need money.

Whit and Scarlet are like totally on, like, a narly like roadtrip to, like, San Fransisco and they’re y’know, like talking about all of the like random stuff with like grrls and stuff? So Scarlet who is, like, Whit’s, BFF, is totally on-board with the whole like Romi, Sara, Tor situation? And she thinks that Alyssa was just like way out of line when she said that, like, there was no chemistry between Whit and Sara. Coz like there is just like so much chemistry. QQ

Rose’s papa is bringing her to a wedding as soon as he manages to close the door to her house. Hey, doors are tough ok?! It’s a lesbian wedding and I’m thinking “aww, her dad is nice”. Rose? Well you know the way everything in the world is about Rose? Well it turns out that her dad has an ulterior motive. Obviously the only reason he would bring his daughter to the wedding of his good friend is to show her that she needs to get married. Silly me!

On the way to the wedding, papa tries to talk to Rose about talking to her mother. Rose agrees to some start to a reconciliation. Do you care? Me neither.

Jilliki, Jesus get over it! Now that the wedding organiser is sorted, they are bleating on about the dresses. Snore!

Whitney is checking into a hotel and there is an actual real-life lesbian checking her in. Hello real lesbian! Are you normal? Would you like a camera crew to follow you around for our enjoyment? They go into their room. Whit-the-Tit gets ready for a big night out sans Scarlet as her ex will be there. Whit says she thinks this is a smart decision!! What?? You go everywhere your exes are and create more exes while you’re out! Eejit.

Tracy’s lady, Stamie, is on Facebook and finds Tracy’s mammy, who you may remember ain’t so comfy with her daughter’s lezziness. So she “friend-requests” her, because that’s a verb now, apparently. It seems that Tracy’s dad married a much younger lady following the auld divorce and this hasn’t gone down too well. Then ya add the lesbianity to the mix and things in her family have been strained since.

Back to papa-Rose’s elaborate plan to get Rose to marry; but we’ll pretend it’s just a wedding. Natalie is on her way but she’s lost. She’s stressed with the work situation, she can’t find her way in the rain and she’s frustrated. So Rose, being the supportive, loving girlfriend that she is, tells her to correct herself before meeting her. Seriously, “correct yourself” and “don’t make me pay the price for your drama”. You nasty piece of shite! You don’t talk to anyone like that let alone your girlfriend! Bitch.

Whit the Tit is at the big party and “all of my friends are there” like we give a shit. Sara is go-go dancing and to be honest I think she looks ridiculous, but Whitless thinks the lace onsey is “so fucking hot”. Meh, whatever. One of Whitless’ mates gets up and starts to dance with Sara. Whit thinks this is “like every teenage boy’s wet-dream”. Not so much, Whit. It’s pretty tame. Meh.

Rose (more like Thorn) and her lady are home and Thorn is acting like a child, ignoring Natalie and practically pouting. Grow the hell up you infant!

Whitney and Sara are outside the club and Sara is playing it cool. Heh. Then they get back to the hotel and undress, swim in the pool and shag in the shower. My eyes need to be scrubbed. It’s the least sexy thing I have ever seen. I’d rather watch a cow have a shite.

Mikey needs money for the new venue. Cue lots of furious phone calls to fashion houses to get a new client. It’s all very Working Girl, with sunglasses indoors of course.

Tracy feels like poo but has to get her stuff together for her first photo shoot. She calls her mammy and tells her she has a cold that she thinks she got from one of Stamie’s kids. The tension! You could cut it with Mikey’s sunglasses! It’s sad, though, that she completely ignores the reference to that part of her daughter’s life and just talks over it. Tracy is understandably upset.

Jilliki. Wedding dress shop. Nikki finds one she loves. She buys it. Jill finds one that she’s not sure about. She doesn’t buy it. You have no idea how much time I saved you.

Whit, Sara and all of their mates are having dinner when Sara steals my heart. They’re all talking about sex-without-emotion and Sara says she could totally do that. Fair play to her honesty. Whitless squirms in her seat and ain’t looking to happy. She knows just who Sara is talking about. Yer face!

Rose is planning a “bromance” night with her mates. She’s being all secretive about it because she doesn’t want Natalie to know what she’s up to. Uh-oh. Have I mentioned how cute their dog is? Soooo cute! Anyway, Rose gets off the phone and Natalie apologises for being human. Thorn forgives.

Whitless is leaving SF and wants to talk to Sara about their “relationship”. After what feels like 100 hours of processing and hedging, it turns out that Sara is doing a Whitney to Whitney!! YAY!! She’s playing it all cool and “we’ll see what happens”. How’s that medicine Whitless? Don’t feel so good on the other side does it bitch?!

The day has finally arrived and Natalie is handing in her notice. She’s nervous and has forgotten that Thorn is the most important thing in the world. While she’s away Thorn decides she has “a free pass to blow off steam with some friends”. Blowing off steam sounds good. However, in Thorn’s world this translates as renting a hotel room for her and her friends and getting lap-dances from strippers. Thorn I have mis-judged you. You are a peach.

Tracy is off for her photo shoot but somehow the make-up and hair people manage to make her look less gorgeous than she is naturally. That’s a talent.It’s a huge success though and she’s happy.

Whitless et al head to brunch and we’re supposed to care.

Mikey lands a fashion-house – White Trash Beautiful which is Richie Sambora’s ‘line’. Did you know he had a line? Everyday’s a schoolday people. She is super stoked as now they have the money for the bigger venue.

We’re off to Thorn’s hotel room with her friends who all seem to be 20. Does that not say something to you Thorn? You are a child! Grow the hell up.

Natalie calls and is leaving work and wants to talk to her girlfriend about quitting. What an inconvenience! Thorn just doesn’t have the time dude; there are strippers to see. Natalie you just expect too much. You were rude on the phone yesterday, remember, so that means Thorn gets to be a fucker. See? Sigh….some women eh?

The strippers arrive and we are subjected to women objectifying women. Again it’s supposed to be sexy but I dunno, maybe LA sexy is just different to rest of the world sexy. Just like LA lesbians seem to be different to the rest of us.

When the strippers leave, Thorn insists that her friends make sure Natalie doesn’t find out. Rose, you are on television. Television! Thick as well as heartless. Nice.

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