Being the type of person who lies in bed for hours thinking about who won the Oscar for Best Actress in 1988 (Jodie for The Accused), or why Q is always followed by U (it isn’t always, however it comes from the ‘QU’ figure in old Latin), or how to construct a sentence without using the letter E (good luck), inevitably my mind wanders to The Real L Word. Or, as I shall now be calling it, the Really Hellish Turd. There I am, at 2am, looking at the ceiling, making up acronyms for my two favourite people:

Rose – Really Overly Self Enamoured or Ride Off Somewhere Egotist!
Whitney – Worship Her Idiotic Toolness or Whip Her In The Nasty Everyone, Yeah!

Look it’s 2am! What do you expect? Anyway, this mind-wandering has been the most entertainment The Really Hellish Turd has provided me. Pretty bad eh?

The off-screen question this week; coming out to your parents

Whitney told her dad when she was 13 on National Coming Out Day. He was cool

Tracy’s mom had issues as we know and still does. Her dad was easy, but then his 22 year-old wife would attest to that. F’narr

Nikki’s mom always knew.

Mikey grew up in a very Catholic household and it look her grandmother five years to say the word lesbian. But you came out of the womb saying LA FAWK, LA FAWK!!

Jill was scared and they wished her well, but it was tough.

Rose. Guess….go on….Well Rose didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. Surprised? Every time Rose comes on the screen I am going to shout “Can U Not Talk right now?”. Bitch

Can U Not Talk is yakking on to her kids, I mean friends, about their night of stripping heaven. They’re not allowed tell Natalie as Thorn would like her to learn about it on international television. Nice. But hey, she didn’t do nuffin, she had it done to her. So it’s awwwl good.

Tracy’s two sisters are over for film night. They seem cool. Turns out one ain’t cool, she’s cold. She ain’t down with the gay thang, yo. Why am I talking like this? This isn’t The Wire. Oh my, how this isn’t The Wire. Amy, for that is her name, plasters on a smile and pretends to be ok with the openly coupley Stamie and Tracy but eventually she loses it. They’re all “irritating” her and she’s squirming like Mikey without her sunglasses, she leaves saying that she “needs a break from them all”. Ouch. Poor Tracy. She is upset, obviously, as she loves her family. Poor baby, here, lay your head on my chest. Dammit she has that supportive, sensitive girlfriend of hers who is there for her, listening and advising. Taking notes Rose?

Jilliki (right) need to talk about wedding plans. Do they talk about anything else? So they do what anyone would do, they book a private dining area in a posh restaurant and pick at the bread rolls. During their snack, Nikki mentions that she’d love her dad to give her away. Her dad, though, is a tool. A homophobic, inattentive tool. Why on earth would you want a wanker to give you away? Well, according to Nikki, we all grow up with expectations of what our wedding will be like and she expected her dad to be there. Jill manages to squeak out something about the fact that not marrying a woman isn’t traditional, but Nikki is on the emo wave. They kiss and stuff. That must the longest pirce I have written about these two. Are they getting less boring or is everyone else getting as boring?

Whit the Tit is having something to eat with her sister, Alexis, who seems normal and nice enough. They talk about their dad who seems to be a bit of a wanker too. Just like Whitney.

Mikey, and her trusty sidekick Shanna, are off to NY to set up a meet up between press peeps and designers. That one sentence is three mins of screen time.

Natalie (Thorn’s petal) is meeting her sister, Leslie, for a mannie and a peddie. There are five kids in the family and three of them are gay, including Leslie. Her mam must be proud….the pinnacle of hetero parenting is creating more than one queer in the family. Just ask my parents, they have two of us. Anyway, Natalie’s sister is spat out! Seriously! Mad. They chat about the Cause Uf Natalie’s Trauma (go with it) and stuff. They decide that the Cause Uf Natalie’s Trauma should meet their mammy, that should Create Untold Nasty Tension. I’m on a roll here.

In NY, Mikey and Shanna are sitting around with the designers and no press have showed. The morning passes and no one. The afternoon – zero. Scarleh! Mikey and her intrepid sunglasses (left) deside to cheer everyone up by getting them pissed. She cracks open the bubbles and serves up some mimosas. And then some more. And then some more. Until she’s pretty much pickled.

Tracy is on the blower to her sister, Amy to clear things up with an invite to brunch. During the call Amy tells Tracy that their mam asked her about Stamie. Tracy is amazed. This is the person whose name shall not be spoken my mama, and she has finally acknowledged her existence. It has to be a step forward. Tracy is “bummed” that mammy didn’t talk to her about it though.

Jilliki go to Malibu to see a house, or “an estate” dahlin, in which wo have the “celebration of their love.” The house looks like something out of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Nikki is having an orgasm and wants to book it then and there. Way to negotiate a price Nikki. Shouldn’t you hold back a bit? Jill is trying to ask questions and look like she’s thinking about it, but Nikki is exploding. They discuss it with the wedding planner and it turns out they don’t even know the price yet. WTF?!?!? Why go if you’ll love it and then can’t afford it? Jesus people. Of course, now Nikki wants to sell a kidney to make up the price, but Jill is trying to reign her in. Actually, she does look a bit like a horse.

To drown her sorrows after a crap day, Mikey (without sunglasses!!!) and Shanna head to a tranny club. Outside a gorgeous tranny tells up

I love lesbians. Lesbians are so nurturing. There’s lots of cunt but no cuntiness.

This tranny has yet to meet Rose.

Mikey throws back the suds and chasers, partying like there’s no tomorrow. There is, however, a tomorrow. Lordie lord is there a tomorrow. In the cold light of 8am, Mikey is nowhere to be seen. Shanna steps up royally. Mikey this lady deserves a bonus. New sunglasses don’t count. Shanna basically takes care of the whole shindig as the press finally show up in their droves and Mikey is sleeping it off.

Tracy is having brunch with Amy who tells her that mom is just worried about her. She wants to know that she’s in a healthy relationship, gender aside. Bullshit. It’s nice of you to bullshit her Amy, but it’s bull nonetheless. Tracy just wants mama to talk to her, not her sister. Her patience is running thin, even though she knows her mother is taking baby steps in the right direction.

Jilliki are in the perfectly-manicured back garden of their perfect house on the phone to a friend who is a rabbi. He agrees to marry them. How perfect. then Nikki mentions the estate she loved again. Jill says she’s not ready to decide yet, she wants to see other places. You don’t know how much it is!!! Nikki pushes and pushes but Jill sticks to her guns making Nikki pout. Have you ever seen a horse pout?

Mikey is up and at the event (over seven hours late) and is very annoyed at herself. You should be. I think this is the only time she actually needs those sunglasses. Afterwards, Mikey is heading home with Shanna in toe. She thanks Shanna who deserves more than just thanks, Mikey. She saved your unprofessional ass.

Whit the Tit, Tor, Alyssa and Scarlet are out for the night. Tor and Whit are flirty and stuff. Tor goes to the loo with Scarlet which makes Whit think they’re up to something. She has the gall to get jealous. QQ

Natalie is bringing that Rotten Object She Enamours (right) to meet her mother. Sister Leslie comes along too. It’s a nice dinner with a family who obviously love each other, it’s also nice that Rose doesn’t say much.

Whitless is chatting to Scarlet asking her if anything happened with Tor. Nothing did. Whit still feels the need to “process”. Tor arrives to join the conversation and I’m just about to hit FF when suddenly the camera turns to one of Scarlet’s friends who is locked. She’s pissed and is pontificating about how gorgeous Tor is and how she and Whit should be together. She’s hilarious! She’s like some lesbian version of Jeremy Kyle.

Later, Whit is sprawled on the sofa when Tor just suddenly straddles her and starts to snog her. Nooooooo! Tor!!!! What are you doing? I had such respect for you! You don’t need her, she’s a twat! They head to bed, but just for snuggles. It’d better be just for snuggles, Tor. Come on, woman…..she’s a shit. Heh. Whit the Shit.

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