I know I give out just a bit about this show, but The Real L Word has something going for it. No really. I remember when I was a wee wan and, every Saturday my siblings and I would have our weekly baths and, squeaky clean for the only time of the week, the four of us would sit in front of the telly. We’d watch Wonder Woman, Batman and 3-2-1 (right).

Years later, my partner, her sister and I do our work outs, have our showers and then sit together, clean for the only time of the week, to watch The Real L Word. From Dusty Bin to television garbage; my life in trash TV. Oh! There’s a title for my auto-biography. It beings a tear to my eye, and that’s just the thought of Rose.

The off-screen question this week is: Have you ever cried during/after sex? Oh god, here’s the question Jill will have an answer for. Sigh

Nikki – the first time she had sex with a woman was so emotional, she cried.
Rose – she’s had girls cry after sex. Must be when they sober up and look across the bed.
Whitless – has no idea that this could happen. Emotional-free sex is her thing y’see.
Mikey – is at least honest enough to say that when a woman cries after/during sex she is lost, has no idea what to do.
Tracy – when she had sex with a woman for the first time, she had a shit-eating grin for weeks.
Jill – oh of course she has. Emotional idiot probably cries when she see water going down the plug hole.

Rose is missing, Natalie for some reason known only to herself is looking for her. I’m hoping she’s headed for Mexico. At least Natalie has good friends who are out for her.
Buggery, Rose is actually still with is. Dammit. She is in a bar with her ex, Angel. Angel who stalked her and was a nut-job. Exactly the person our Rose should be with when her girlfriend is worried about her.
It turns out though folks, that Angel is as her name suggests, sent from heaven. Rose is all “we always said we’d be there for each other”. Angel is all nuh-uh, we di’int.

we had a toxic relationship, a lot of that is because you cheated

Rose tries to come on to her and charm her but Angel just gives her a cold shoulder and says “no” in very certain terms. It seems that Angel was hurt by their break-up and has worked hard to get over it.

It’s always about you and what you need, it’s never about anything else. I’m done.

I think I love you Angel.

Whit the Shit and Alyssa are cleaning up after their party. We care. Tor is up and about and pissed off with Whit. Get this people…she told Tor that Romi raped her. Raped! Whit that is a powerful word you’re throwing around there, bitch. Can I also remind you that there is TV footage of you…em…taking…Romi? It’s scarred on my retinas.

Jilliki’s wedding. Snore. They choose the house for the venue. Remember the house? Don’t worry, no one else does either.

Mikey. LA Fawk. Big tent.

Natalie is at her mammy’s house and Rose is going over to pretend she gives a shit about her. The dog is so cute!

Mikey is meeting Ava, who is Richie Sambora’s daughter. She wants to model in LA Fawk so one of the other models is showing her how to walk. Her mom is there too – she looks like Heather Locklear’s wax model, and it’s sunny out.
Mikey had a crush on Heather when she was a kid and is a bit star struck. Not so much that she takes off her damned sunglasses though.

Whit and her friend Scarlet are having like lunch? And they’re talking about, like, Sara? And, like, Romi? And the, like, drama? Scarlet is Romi’s friend and is worried that Whit the Tit is going to hurt her. May I suggest lube?

Tracy is on the phone to her mammy who says that she can’t come to the big 30th birthday. Tracy is broken-hearted. While on the phone, there’s a knock on her door and guess what? It’s mammy!!! YAY!!! Actually it’s a tester-sized mammy, you have to send away for the full-size.
Tracy is over the moon to see teeny Zory, and they chat and chat, hugging like two people who actually care for one another. Cute!

They talk about The Lesbian Issue, quite openly and Zory is still not comfortable. But she’s doing her best. And she’s there, which took guts.

Jilliki go to redeem the voucher for dance lessons that Nikki got Jill for Valentine’s Day. The scene is funny with the two of them managing to have at least six left feet between them. They are laughing their asses off, as each is as bad as the other. No toe is safe.

Tracy is bringing Zory to meet Stamie. Is that O, Fortuna I hear in the background? Why oh why does she think it’s a good idea to bring her to Stamie’s stand-up? The three squeaky-clean people in my flat all went “nooooooooo!” at the same time. Baby steps, Tracy, not lesbian jokes!

It’s understandable though. She’s doing the whole feast after the famine thing. She’s so excited that she wants her mammy to love everything. Now.

Right O So Egotist it is. She’s goes to her grandmother’s house to see her. Her mom is there. Remember they had a big fight? They haven’t spoken in nine months. The whole family is at the granny’s and they all take Rose aside and tell her to apologise to her mother. She does and it’s so funny. She’s like a five year-old who has been told “now say your sorry” by an aunt. She practically whispers it.
Her mother, though, is over the moon. She can’t help crying constantly. You’d think Rose had told her that she loves her more than herself or something. The fact that it’s such a big deal goes to show how rarely Rose apologises. Bitch.

Tracy and Zory arrive at the cafe in which Stamie does her stand-up. Stamie greets them and I wonder if anyone has a knife to cut the tension. Oh look! Tumbleweed. And this is before the performance. There’s O, Fortuna again.
The comedy begins (right). Zory is either dyspeptic or not impressed. She’s had a lot of botox so it’s hard to tell. She claps in all the right places but it ain’t looking good. Tracy, what were you thinking, girl? She admits that it wasn’t the best idea in the world. No shit?

Mikey and finally, finally, finally LA Fawk is happening. Look people, the sooner it starts, the sooner it’ll be over. There are loads of gorgeous people arriving and “the energy is really vibing”. Vibe is a verb now?
As the gorgeous people are arriving, some of the lights go off. Mikey flips and there is much running around and Annika Rice-like camera chasing while she tries to fix the problem. Her bum isn’t as nice though.

Tracy is having her sisters over for dinner with her mammy and Stamie. Tracy and Stamie have been asked by Zory not to have PDAs, which is tough for two women so used to being open physically. Stamie says it’s hard as she loves hugging Tracy and kissing her and

You haven’t seen her naked, she’s fucking hawt

Sigh, we believe and envy you.

Whit is having dinner with the make-up department of Clery’s. Oh, actually it’s Romi. Blend, Romi, blend! Anyway, she tells Romi about Sara moving to LA. Plus, Whit says that she’s going to have a child in the next two or three years. What!?!?!? Whit you are a child. Grow up first. Sheesh.

Mikey, LA Fawk. Light. She fixes it. I know! I was on the edge of me edge there. Famous people who we should probably recognise start to make their way down the red carpet. Mina Suvari asks why Mikey has her sunglasses on indoors. Hee hee, I paid her to do that.
The runway show. Snore.

Tracy’s place. Stamie and Zory are being polite and trying their best. Things are going well. Until, that is, Tracy asks Zory if she’d like to meet Stamie’s kids. Someone brought the tumbleweed and the knife from the comedy show. Tracy is disappointed by her mother’s reaction but Stamie is pissed. These are her kids, in fairness, why not want to meet them? She’s good about it though, telling Tracy not to put her mother on the spot.

Day two of LA Fashion Week. Weekend? What?! It’s not a week at all? What the fuck?! Why has Mikey been  going on and on and on and on about LA Fashion Week if it’s just a weekend? LA Fashion Weak more like.
Pfft.
So, it’s the second, and last, night of LA Fashion Weakened and all of our Real L Word girls are invited. It’s all very E! with everyone arriving and getting their piccie taken.
Mikey is watching her, em, watch, and wating for her lady, Raquel, to arrive. Raquel is late, as usual, but Mikey holds the show for her. She’s her lucky charm after all.
Raquel arrives and immediately asks Mikey “what do you need?”. Cool! See how partners are together in real life?
Urgh, runway show. Snore.
Once the show (and therefore the whole LA FAWK) is over, Mikey and her intrepid sunglasses take the stage to much applause. She does all of the necessary thank-yous and then asks Raquel to come up on to the stage.
Raquel is all “wha?” and goes up looking confused. As she arrives, Mikey goes down on one knee and asks her to marry her. Caaauuuute! Thank Sappho she said yes.
Mikey explains that she knows Raquel likes big gestures and this was the biggest way she could think to ask her to marry her. It’s lovely, really a gorgeous tender moment. Nice one Mikey.

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