Keeping up appearances
Tags: From Gaelick contributor Christine Allen
“Feel’s nice doesn’t it?”
Inside the bathroom door of The George, at one of our dedicated Dyke nights, Pussywagon, I stop dead in my tracks. Two lesbians stand before me at the washbasins, engaging in what I can only imagine to be a new form of lesbian foreplay. Head bent to one side, revealing a partially shaved hairstyle, one girl directs another’s hand across the shaved portion of her head, resulting an audible squeak of excitement from the other. As the night continues, the number of lesbian’s I encounter with similar hairstyle’s increases, and I can’t help but self consciously stroke my own long untouched hair.
‘You’re not very lesbionic…’ observed a butch lesbian at an LGBT youth group that I happened to be attending for the first time. Why? Was it because I had long hair of a certain length? Or perhaps it was my light foundation and eye make-up which made her sceptical of my sexuality?
Am I a real dyke?
Since coming out, I have struggled to fit into the stereotypical ‘lesbionic’ role. I’ve suffered infected piercings, spent a ridiculous amount of money on Topshop shirts, purchased high top runners – hell I even bought a GOLA side bag not too long ago and yet I can’t help but wonder whether this style is my own, or a style I feel I should own.
There is scepticism of women on the scene who don’t fit the stereotype of short hair, piercings, tattoos, boyish clothing etc. Due to this, fem lesbians can often feel pressured into disowning their own look when they first hit the gay scene. I know one such fem who completely transformed her appearance following constant negative attention and questioning about the authenticity of her sexuality from her lesbian peers.
In some cases, a young person’s appearances can drastically change because coming out gives her the confidence to ditch the dress she has hated for the past few years and sport the clothes that reflect the real her. There is another side to this, however. Some girls feel that they have no other choice but to disown their feminine look in order to be accepted by both the straight and LGBT community as a credible dyke.
It’s not just within our community either. Straight men in particular are sometimes guilty of disbelieving fem women’s assertions that they are gay. Some get harassed on nights out with straight friends in straight bars. On numerous occasions following a night out, one of my friends has joked about shaving her head and exchanging her dress for a checked shirt – ‘Maybe they’ll believe me then and f**k off!’ she recently exclaimed, understandably frustrated.
I wonder if there are some who come out and feel that we must ditch our old straight-looking self and embrace a whole new look. Who feel that they must conform to a style that shouts “queer!” as if there is nothing else to our person that defines us?
For some of us who were perhaps bullied about our sexuality, is this change of ‘image’ essentially a defence mechanism? Two fingers to those who dragged you down? If it’s your own image great, but don’t subjugate your look to fit in, or out. Aren’t there other ways in which we can show the world that we are proud of being gay?
I should add that if you are a lesbian who genuinely loves the style that you sport and fashion that you wear, whether it include a Gola bag, a pair of high tops or a partially shaved head (it is a hot look), then keep doing what you are doing. Coming out is all about embracing who you are, and if this is part of the real you, then more power to you!
But the same has to go to those gay girls who are content with their high heels, dresses and Rapunzel-like locks. There is no rule book, so just be who you are, look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. We are a community remember, so don’t judge your family.
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Amen! I remember talking to a girl in Flounge last year who was a friend of a friend. I complimented her dress at one point and she told me that her girlfriend was annoyed that she wore heels and a dress to a gay venue. I was appalled! After spluttering incoherently for a wee while I actually offered to buy her higher heels for future gay bar nights. It’s insane that the scene still polices the butch/femme thing, we should be more grown up about life by now.
Fantastic article! Really highlights the bizarre issue of ‘looking the part’ in the gay community and shows that it’s okay to still don heels, a dress and long locks and fancy girls. Delighted for the contribution, thanks for that Christine!
I sometimes go with Converse trainers and jeans because its comfy, and I love that gay clubs and bars will accept that laid back look, but I also love feminine clothes and lace and stuff. I do feel like when I dress more fem, there’s a tendancy to presume I’m someone’s faghag, and it’s frustrating. I think that as more and more women are comfortable being out, there’s less of a need to “look like” a lesbian though, and I think there’ll be more variation in how people dress in years to come.
As far as I’m concerned there should be no dress code for being gay, straight or bi. Be who you are and wear what appeals to you.
Great article
I agree there should be no dress code. We’re all individuals with different tastes, styles etc….if I wanted to wear a uniform I’d have joined the army!
I’m fairly ‘lesbionic’ as its put but I have no piercings, no tattoos and I will never ever shave any part of my head!! There is definitely a pressure to look a very particular way that I even struggle to fit into because I don’t really have the right body type for it.
In terms of femme girls, please don’t give into the pressure. I love your sun dresses and long hair!!
a timely piece of writing. ditto all the above.I’m aware that by keeping my long hair I don’t look like the stereotyped lesbian. I’m not against butch or boi or anything else, I love diversity. I wonder about the practicalities of looking fairly feminine in a hetero world and if I’d get more lesbian ‘moments’ if I chopped my hair off…. I’ve always been adverse to following the crowd though and so I’m working on my flirting techniques and building up the courage to initiate and ask a woman out even when I don’t know which way she’s oriented. Wish me luck! maybe this way I’ll find all you other not-so-obvious women lovers!
Christine you are a current philosopher of gay society
. It’s a great article with interesting insights. I’ll keep an eye out for these little gems in the future.
YAY! Thank god! I’ve only fairly recently admitted to myself that I like women (though I’ve really known for a long while, if I’m honest…)and I actually got the courage to tell a friend of mine and she wouldn’t take me seriously because I was ‘too feminine’! Her reaction wasn’t really the one I was hoping for and I haven’t told anyone since. I’m too scared! I was really tempted for a while to cut my hair really short and forgo my make-up so that maybe other lesbians would pick me up on their ‘gaydar’. But I then I thought, yes I may be lesbian but that’s not all I am. I like wearing dresses, skirts, jewelry,heels and make-up but I like wearing jeans, hoodies, piercings and grubby runners too! Perhaps I’m a ‘futch’ or a ‘bem’? No more stereotyping! It may make things easier, but it would also make things more boring!
Lord dragondingohybrid, don’t change yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of what a lesbian should be. Be yourself.
And you are spot on, how boring would it be if we all looked the same?
We have need of very little learning to have a good mind….
Who is not sure of his memory should not attempt lying….