Friends with benefits
Image below NSFW
Is it possible for two lesbians to be Friends With Benefits without there being a whole HEAP of drama?
I recently found myself in a situation where the offer of FWB was on the table.
By nature, though, (in the majority of cases) the act of sex is, in particular for women, a much more emotional experience than a purely sexual one. In other words, how can an arrangement which is supposed to have nothing to do with emotions work between two people whose emotions are intrinsically connected to the act of sex?
To be honest, I don’t think that FWBs work out well for anyone, never mind two emotionally-charged lesbians (unless they both have the mindset of Samantha from SATC.) However, I can’t help but wish that FWB was a viable option, in particular for someone who may not feel ready at a certain time of their life to commit to a full blown serious relationship.
Sex with no strings attached. How can anyone, in particular us ladies, separate sex from our emotions? Especially when the friend in question is someone who you already have a good repoire with outside of the bedroom? Someone who you clearly find attractive enough to want to be physical with?
Mulling over the issue, I can almost hear the faint soundtrack of Mission Impossible playing as background music. Speaking of movies, the two recently released films which deal with the whole FWB topic don’t exactly help the cynical view that I have always taken up when I have thought about it. In both films, the people who agreed to have casual no strings attached sex end up falling in love. Is this purely coincidental? Or is the romantic ending merely chosen in order to increase viewership? Perhaps it is a little bit of both?
Yet, can’t there be a far worse ending to the whole FWB situation? Isn’t there the very likely possibility that one person will develop feelings that are forbidden under the FWB clause? Or worse, fall in love with their casual sex acquaintance and end up feeling pretty much used and rejected when the agreement is related back to them in the cold light of day with its various specifications?
Speaking of technicalities, what exactly are the rules that make up the FWB contract? OK, so no introducing each other to the parents as ‘future life partners’ is an obvious one, but what about the more subtle things like hand holding during a kiss, or cuddles after sex? As a partner in the FWB deal, are you supposed to employ the whole ‘hug and roll’ technique when you have finished having sex, made famous by Chandler from Friends? Or perhaps even staying overnight is out of bounds?
I would assume that jealousy is an emotion that is not allowed to rear its ugly head. Yet, isn’t this a very natural human emotion? So, wouldn’t it be highly likely that at least one partner would feel jealous when their pal with extras happens to be intimate with someone else?
Not to mention concerned with regard to their own sexual health. Then again, as part of the FWB contract, there would be a clause where both parties may agree to solely have sex with one another until one of the parties in question meets someone worth stopping for. Yet, how can one party ensure the other party is meeting this obligation, without there inquisitiveness being perceived as the actions of a jealous person? And how does one go about ceasing a FWB agreement? Would a quick email suffice? Or does a kind of break up etiquette apply?
So many questions.
It would be very biased of me to not mention the number of benefits on offer when one enters into a FWB agreement. After all, as the name suggests, there is alot to be gained from such a situation, and I would not have even been considering the aforementioned offer if FWB was a total doom and gloom scenario.
For starters, you can avoid the expensive not to mention sometimes tedious ‘dates’ that are the usual pre cursor to engaging in sex with someone. You have the benefit of having sex on tap, and are one hundred per cent certain that when you see your Friend With Benefit that you are going to have sex (unlike in a relationship where perhaps your partner may not be in the mood and insist on watching re runs of Glee.)
When implemented correctly, there are no emotional pressures or demands in such a scenario, yet you have the benefit of your sexual needs being fulfilled. For example, if free time is an issue in your life, perhaps due to a busy job or college course, you don’t need to feel guilty about seeing your ‘Friend With Benefit’ for a few hours on a Saturday night and releasing that pent up sexual frustration, before cutting off communication until your next encounter.
I suppose, like all things in life, FWB is an option which is suitable for some and not for others. Weighing up the benefits against the negatives is advisable. For example, if the friend you are considering having casual sex with is more than a mere acquaintance I think it is worth considering seriously whether the friendship will ever be the same again after the sex stops, and whether it is worth the risk.
The most important thing to remember when engaging in any form of a relationship with someone else is honesty. Communication is key. If you are on the same page as someone else when it comes to FWB, and feel that this situation is one which suits you both best, by all means go for it.
However, if you secretly harbour feelings for the person who has made you a FWB offer that go beyond just a physical attraction, I would advise steering clear. Yet in these matters, who ever really thinks with their head?!