We’re all about the SPOILERS!!! Gerrourrofeh if you don’t wanna know.

So, it’s Tuesday and I’m only recapping. Why? Well, to be honest, this is shite. Sorry but it is. The two main characters of the triangle are gone and both of them were hot. Yes, I’m shallow. But what is the centre of this show now? Is it Friends in Glasgow, with Lexy/Sayday/Tess’s place the ridiculously unaffordable apartment and Rubies as Central Perk. Well, I never really liked Friends. I was sold The L Word in Glasgow and by gum that’s what I want!

In fairness, the writers spent a season letting us get to know Sam, Frankie and Cat, so the least I can do is give the newbies a season too. All I can say is thank god for Tess.

Stretchy Lexxy

Anyway, here we are and Tess is completely ignoring Ed yammering on about his new shag, that Nora yoke. Tess is too busy checking out Lexxy (I add an X for sexiness) who is having a good auld stretch before sex with Sam. Ok it’s only a run, but you know it’s their substitute.

Oh here the pair are, mounting a hump…ahem…of a hill on their run. Yadda yadda. Whatever. How come Lexxy got so fit so soon? It took me months to get to 3KM and she’s all Sonia O’Sullivan. Oh yeah extra energy from sexual frustration. As you were. If you listen to that and not looking at the screen it totes sounds like they’re shagging with all the heaving breathing. Such subtlety from the writers is to be admired.

Take me!

Her Lexulous, oh I love Lexulous! I’m crap at it like, but it’s great craic. Anyway, her Lexulous, is all breezy casualness when she tells Sam that she just happens to have a couple of tickets to a wine tasting should she, y’know kinda like sorta want to go along like no worries if she can’t. Sam says she’ll let her know later in the day.

When Lexxy is home and knackered from all the not-sex, Tess asks Lexxy is she wants to head to the pub later y’know kinda like sorta like no worries if she can’t. Lexxy blows her off. Ahem.

I want to go to both! Can I? I’ll be good, no taking the piss honest. OK, maybe not.

Oh nurse..

The hospital, and Lexxy and pal are chatting. I’ve decided I don’t like him. He’s a knob-jockey. But hello Bea!!! Man is she a nice lady of loveliness? AND ladies the actress is a lesbian. Out and proud! More proof that god loves us.

Oh they talk about something but who cares when there’s the above hotness? Time for my bath nurse!

Lexxy is paged but the patient who insisted upon her has vanished. Intersti…no actually it’s not. Whatever.

Sadie come in the magazine office with a piece. What? She did!

Tess’s fancy is showing as she is chatting to her new actor pal about Lexxy and gets all “giggle, hair twirl”. His advice is to just ask her out, but somewhere different that just “down pub”.

No gouda can come of this

Sadie is at work in her new temp job; as a cheese waitress. Now people, seriously. A cheese waitress? What where the writers smoking? Have you ever in all of your born days heard of such a thing? Anyway, Sadie is not a happy puppy. I have to say that the actress playing the Marquess de Sadie is fabulous at reaching her inner teenager. I keep expecting her to sigh deeply and mutter “whatever”.

Oh it’s the nurse! Hiya nurse! No idea what happens, too busy drooling.

Sam is at home and gets a letter of sympathy from a pal. Called Helen. Who is Scottish! Are you with me people?! Helen Stewart, Scottish queen of lesbians and bi women everywhere, we bow to you. Wouldn’t that just be the most amazingly brain-explodingly wonderful thing to happen? Oh my god!!!! She could know Sam coz she’s in the justice system too and her adoring wife Nikki could take over Rubies!!!! I think I just squeeeed a little in my undies. Breathe Hal, breathe.

More wining

Lexxy is at her locker in work and it’s been broken into. The breaker into-er has left a note saying “I know”. Well now, if there were me and I had nothing to hide, I’d stick it up on the notice board with a reply “I’m delighted for you”. But maybe Lexxy is hiding a dark and mysterious past. Maybe she isn’t a vegetarian!!!!!

Cheese waitress (cheetress!) Sadie meets with her editor bud and they talk it out all mature like. which can only mean one thing – sex.

SamEx are at the wine tasting thing and it’s the usual “bouquet of berries with a hint of black pepper” stuff, much to their amusement. On the funny bone I’m getting whacked and hearing many false notes. Eventually they get kicked out like a pair of bold schoolkids. At least Sam is having a larf for a change.

Oh and we have the cheetress and the cheater having sex. Is the editor lady wearing the highest waist knickers in the world or is that a corset? She’s a total pillow queen though, as she gets her rocks off and just leaves. Poor Sadie, did she even get some? Lady editor gives her money for the hotel room they’re in and you just know that Sadie is feeling a bit like a hooker.

SamEx are having the craic over wine and Sam comments on how it’s been a while since she’s used her face muscles. Mmmmhmmm,  nice line Sam. As they chat Lexxy tells her about the note and the page and the calls and stuff. She has no idea why the person is doing it as she has nothing in her past. Well that was the quickest load of nothing. Then excuses herself to have a panic attack. The storytelling just flows doesn’t it?

Rolling rolling rolling

Tess hunts under her bed for rollerskates and proceeds to practice around the flat, falling on her arse a few times. Ah pratfalls, the more nuanced of comedic classics.

SamEx are having a pre-run coffee in matching tank tops. Lesbians! Sam advises her to keep a diary of weirdness re the stalker thing.

When Lexxy comes home from all the not-runing, Tess asks her what she thinks of roller-disco as there is one that night, all breezy and cool as a cucumber. Lexxy is distracted and thinks it sounds like a good idea but for some reason Tess thinks this means that she’s on for it. Oh Tess.

The nurse is back! She’s a date with Lexxy that evening. Poor Tess. She is chatting to her actor pal is all excited as she thinks she’s in.

Sadie is getting a talking to from her boss who is a gobshite. So she does what we all do in that situation, she heads to the loo and snorts some coke. The coke gives her the Power of Cheese and suddenly she’s an expert. Doesnt matter though, she walks out. On the edge of your seat there weren’t you?

Lexyy and knob-jokey in work….neeeeext.

Sam is working through Cat’s things and picks up the stuff from “the scene”. This includes a certain bracelet that Frankie gave Cat for her birthday. Eee gads!

Sadie meets up with the whore and is invited to a party, then they shag again. She must be chaffing at this stage. Any good cream advice?

Sam goes all Cagney & Lacey and tries to get Cat’s phone to work but it’s knackered. So she nabs the CCTV footage from outside Frankie’s place. Em isn’t that against the rules?

See, See that TV!

Tess arrives home and Lexxy is cooking what Tess thinks is dinner for them. Boo! It’s for Lexxy and Bea. Yay! Tess does a fab job of being all oh-grand-I-knew-that-no-problem. She decides to head out with Ed and Nora who are trying to set her up with some mate of Nora’s called Meg. Her wee heart is a-hurting though.

Then, just as Tess is about to leave Bea cancels. Tess says she’ll stay home but Lexxy insists she head out and get some lady-loving. What was the point of that scene exactly?

Lexxy’s phone rings and it’s someone from a bank checking her address. She clarifies it and then realises that it’s the dastardly doings of the stalker. He now knows where she lives. Clever. Lexxy is understandably perturbed and starts a Stalker Diary. At least she has the decency to look chagrined at the ridiculous name.

Tess meets the lads and Meg with the sole purpose of getting rat-arsed. Meg is so up her own hole she has to have a constipation issue. She’s all me me me and yak yak yak. She’s also a bit creepy. Tess continues with operation pissed.

Meanwhile Sadie is being ignored by shag-editor at the party, so she decides to schmooze. In the loo she meets up with a nice lady who owns a gallery. She also happens to be shag-editor’s wife. What is that jumper all about though? It’s horrendous and this is coming from someone still in her pajamas.

Sam is now looking at CCTV from outside Frankie’s place on the day Cat died. She sees Cat enter and leave. When she leaves Cat takes off the bracelet, while standing in the middle of the road. It was only a matter of time Cat.

Remember:

Back at the party with Sadie and she definitely has the attention of the editor lady as she exits to loo with her wife. She comes rushing over only to find that Sadie has landed a job with the wife! Oh what a tangled web we weave.

Nutmeg

Nora and Ed have fecked off, leaving Tess to deal with Meg who is well up for it. Then we have the best moment of the show. Meg goes in to lob the gob and Tess does this “ew, no! Actually I might get some here” movement and goes with it. Tess we love you.

Then it’s back to the shag palace for some lady loving. Unfortunately Nutmeg wants Tess to role play. Ever the actress Tess goes along with it until Meg utters this passion killer:

Rub my royal lady mound

Poor Tess, you just know Lexxy would never say “Rab moy royal liedee mound”. It’s all too much for Tess who complains of an illness so serious that Meg goes to get the doctor in the house. then we have rib-tickling fun with Tess and Lexxy trying to get rid of the nutter. It’s nice, a bit forced but they can only act what’s on the page. Plus it has them rolling on Tess’s bed, which is a good thing.

Post-party Sadie follows shag-editor to the office and they get their sex on. It’s interesting this whole who’s messing with who thing. Sadie had her number in the beginning, then the tables turned with the need for a job and shag-editor was in charge, now it’s back to Sadie.

Poor Lexxy can’t get a good night’s kip at all. I pity the patients she has in the morning. Now it’s Sam knocking down her door. She’s all in a tizzy coz with her innate detective skills she uncovered the whole Cat/Frankie thing. Lexxy is a good mate, she listens and she hugs and she’s there for her. Then it all turns intense and Sam kisses her. Poor Lexxy, she’s all into it but stops before it really begins coz she knows Sam’s heart isn’t in it.

The poor lezzers!

All images (C) BBC/Kudos – Photographer: Tania Chalkin