Hang on a minute, this is the penultimate episode? That’s just 17 months to make six episodes? What the hell is going on at the Beeb? Don’t they know how many people love  this show? Plus I’m just starting to get into it. Seriously, though, have you ever heard of a season of anything on the tellybox being just six episodes long?

We start the episode with Sam looking mizo. She has every right in the world of course with the whole partner-dying-but-it-turns-out-she-was-shagging-someone-else thing. Lexxy is trying to call her, no doubt about the non-kiss last week, but Sam is ignoring her. Turns out Lexxy is doing her best Red Hot Chilli Peppers and is on the bridge. Oh that was under the bridge! Ooops. Anyway, they were supposed to run/have non-sex and Sam hasn’t showed. For shame! No actually, I think it is coz of shame.

I’ve decided that I like Lexxy. I know, I know, everyone’s been saying it to me from the start (thank you posters) but it takes me a while to warm to folks, k?

Soydee and Tess are chatting over brekkie and it seems Nutmeg is all over Tess’s face. I mean Facebook. Heh. There’s a knock on the door and it’s Sam. I love this scene. Sam is all “Tess, you knew about Crankie and said nothing, how could you?”, but only when she makes sure that Lexxy isn’t in. Can’t get all self-righteous when the person you tried to snog is there, can ya Sammykins?

Sam is upset and kind of bullies poor nice, softy Tess but Soydee stands up for her in her “wtf ever” way.

What was she supposed to do, make an announcement at the funeral? That would have made losing Cat a lot easier.

Preach! Man, I am so glad she was there. Poor Tessikins. Don’t get me wrong, Sam is irrational but understandably so. Oh! There’s someone coming home. It’s Lexxy!

And now we have it, the lez-slam. Who’s side will she be on? Sam knows she’s out of order, but she has the right. But then there’s poor Tess, who wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was called Nora.

Grab your popcorn. Ding ding!

And the winner is….Tess!! YAY!!!! She immediately tells Sam to back off. Left jab. Says it’s nothing to do with Tess. Right cross. And Sam is out!

Then we have the world’s most unlikely source of words of wisdom. Soydee:

Look I feel sorry for her an’ everfing but there’re only two people to blame for this and nyver of them here.

Sing it to me sister.

Off Tess heads for a shower and that’s when Soydee spills the beans about Tess having the fancies for Lexxy. Lexxy is amazed and denies it.

Later that same day, Texxy are out having lunch and trying to get in touch with Sam who is ignoring their calls. In enter Ed and Nora who are all “are you feeling better and when are you seeing Meg again?”. How is never for you? My royal mound ain’t that desperate. Ed invites all to a book signing later. Free drink! Tess starts to say no but changes her mind quick smart when Lexxy says yes. Lexxy is starting to see Soydee’s point.

It’s her first day at work in the gallery with her mistress’ wife and Sadie is obviously out of her depth. The art is all lovely but not really her type of thing. She swings it though. She’s like the Pussy Cat Dolls, a survivor.

Oh nursie!!! it’s Bea the Bea-utiful nurse! Hi Bea! She senses that Lexxy is in a pissy mood (or “mud” as she so sexily says herself) and drags her out of it. She drag me out of it anytime.

Back at the gallery, Sadie and sex-editor Lauren (Laydee!) continue their one-up-woman-ship battle. Lauren arrives and ignores her like any old employee, hoping she’ll get the hint. All Sadie gets is the scent. Ew, that sounded fishy. EW! Ahem, sorry.

Lexxy is at work talking to nob jockey. Aaaand scene…

Sadie is alone at the gallery and bored out of her devious little mind. She’s arsing about and manages to spill coffee all over a painting worth £20K. Oh the slapstick!

Lexxy again. This time we can see who is stalking her. Some bloke with big ears and eye brows that are a different colour to his hair and beard. Two sure signs of a nutter. How is he allowed roam the land so freely?

He approaches our girl! Will she be ok? Find out next week!

Ok, ok, only joking. He tells her that she’s shagging his wife. Que? OMG! It turns out that Bea is married to a willyman! Not only that but they have a (very cute) wee bairn. Lexxy rushes to confront her and we learn that it’s all true. My lovely, lovely nurse is a bold, bold, whore of two-facedness! Nooooooooooooooooo.

Just as I begin to pout and have a good handful of popcorn ready to throw that the telly, we cut to Sam at work. I put my popcorn down. Look nothing is as bad as her life now. Plus, this popcorn is tasty. We put maltesers in. Yum!

The po-po have picked up a junky with “dodgy gear”, does that  mean a jumper tucked into stonewashed jeans, and keys hanging from his belt? Sam is all “leave him, he’s a badly-dressed man who needs to stew and think about his sartorial choices.”

Knob jockey is wanking off some bloke in a hospital closet. And there we have a sentence I never thought I would type.

Someone has entered the gallery and immediately every Lip Service viewer knows he’ll buy the ruined painting. What do you know? He does!

Lexxy and her wanker pal are having lunch, each reflecting on their tough times. Lexxy is pining the Sam thing, plus the Bea thing and her pal isn’t listening. He’s too annoyed that they bloke he just pleasured isn’t a fireman. Then he says something wildly inappropriate about women with kids having large fannies. She calls him an insensitive fucker. Good girl!

Sam and her partner are questioning the guy with the bad dress sense. He has the decency to look twitchy and embarrassed about it. Plus he had drugs on him. Oh ho, my man! You are going da’hn! Sam offers him a deal, speak out about the big drug guys and he’ll get off. He laughs her off and she jumps him. Thank god her partner dude’s there to pull her off him.

Extra points for finding all of the sexual innuendo in that paragraph. This show is getting to me.

Partner dude calls Sam on her recent crazy behaviour. She tries to defend herself, but she knows he’s right. He tells her to go home and chill the frack out. To which she replies “home to what?”. Awwwwww, the poor hen.

Texxy are at home in the flat and, when Lexxy tells Tess about the demise of her relationship with Bea, Tess kicks into fabulous friend mode. She stays there for the rest of the episode. Anyway, they have pizza and beer and chat about how crazy women are, especially lesbians. Every now and then Lexxy looks over at Tess as if seeing her in a new light. It’s cute. You can see her thinking “now why didn’t I see her before?”.

Sadie decides to turn the power tables with Lauren and heads over to her house. Her huge, house. Yadda yadaa she seduces her, wife comes home, Sadie gets out just on time.

Ed goes to see how Sam is doing. He’s such a nice guy. Plus I love the way he pronounces his R’s. I know they all do it that Scottish way, but he does it with extra va va voom. Sam’s place is as much of a mess as she is. She blurts out the durty facts about Crankie, much to Ed’s disappointment.

Laydee are bunking off work and having a fabulous time being sexy and bould and bonding emotionally as well as sexually.

Lexxy’s wanker pal apologises and they hug it out.

Ed is chatting to Nora about the Crankie thing. Nora is putting the pathetic in sympathetic as she tries and fails to make all the right noises. She even gets him to pick up her laundry. Siren sound of relationship on the rocks!

Laydee are in the restaurant where Soydee used to be the cheetress. They eat and chat and then don’t pay. Lauren is feeling all naughty and wants to go rob some lippy. The madness! She is being well and truly loosened up by Soydee. Ew…

It’s the book signing and Ed tells Tess that he knows about Crankie, she apologises for not telling him and he reacts like an adult. Not her fault. See Sam? Ok, Ok partner-dying-but-it-turns-out-she-was-shagging-someone-else.

Ed is approached by nice geek who wants his autograph much to his and Tess’ delight. He heads off to chat to the geek squad just as Lexxy arrives and brightens up the whole place with her Star Trek references. Case in point, Nutmeg is there and she sees her, saying to Tess “there’s a Klingon on the starboard bow”.

I am totally sold on the Texxy relationship. They’re just so nice and funny and stuff.

Tess goes running to the roof to be followed by Lexxy who has nabbed a man-sized alien cut out and a jug of vodka. They chat on the roof and have a moment. Then the effing phone beeps! Stupid phones. Fifteen years ago they’d have been in bed in 20 minutes.

It’s Hugh, actor pal, who is pissed and dissed. Tess continues in fabulous friend mode, by leavingl Lexxy on the roof to go take care of him. There ensues this stupid thing about Hugh trying to get to see his dog. It’s overly long and Texxy should so be shagging.

Meanwhile, Sam is has decided if you can’t beat em join em. Throwing it all to the wind, she’ll be Frankie. She has the pout down. Then she discovers the drugs in her pocket so snorts off Cat’s face. Ok it’s a photo.

Back at the book signing, Nora is being a cow pretending she used to work with Peter Jackson, just so she can have some of Ed’s limelight. Not only has she not worked with him, but much to Ed’s annoyance she doesn’t even know what Lord of the Rings is. This is all too much for him. You can be a bitch to me, but don’t diss my elves. So break up. Not before he says to her “Tess was right, you are a self-centred bitch”. Ooops, that doesn’t bode well for their working relationship.

Lexxy has drunkenly made her way home with her alien woman cut out “she has 15 finger, what more could a woman want” and is asleep on the couch.

At Rubies, Sam is in full Frankie mode now, on the prowl for some flesh. She sees some burd and goes for it. Three Cs now Sam ain’t it? They go back to Sam’s and shag rather unsexily. Then Sam goes into hyper-Frankie mode and tells her to leave.

Tess makes her way home and Lexxy is asleep drunk on the couch. She sighs disappointed but gets a throw and puts it over her. Lexxy murmurs “you’re lovely”, much to Tess’ delight. You are Tess, you are!