Here we are ladies and gentlebums, the final episode in the shortest series ever on television*. Six palty episodes. You have to hand it to them, though, they certainly shoved a lot of plotlines. Will there be a season three? to be honest I don’t think so; not when series two was so short.

We start with a treat for Sam fans. Topless DS Murray! She’s not a happy camper though, for reasons of which we are all aware. Poor Heather Peace had a hell of a time of it this season. So many waistcoats and so much anger.

Brekkie with the trio in Casa LexSonTess (hmmm, rethink that one Hal) and Tess is all nervous coz it’s the day the show starts. She is so going to kick serious ass. Lovely Lexxy has gotten her a pressie of a First Night Survival Kit and it’s all wrapped pretty and pink too. Awwww….wee Tess is only chuffed. They’re all going to the show of course, and Sadie snags an extra ticket for her lady-shag.

A few moments later Tess asks Lexxy’s opinion on a dress, she’s worried about her legs, but Lexxy tells her she has great legs. Awwww….wee Tess is only chuffed. Then Lexxy goes to give her a peck on the cheek and Tess moves (the old dog) so they smackaroo. Just a little pucker up and there aren’t any sparks, unfortunately. Poor Tess.

Poor Tess and Ed are chatting and he finally cops on that Tess is all on for some Lexxy-loving; he thinks she has a chance. I just know this will end in tears. Tess opens the First Night Survival Kit; there is a message – A Little Something for Before and After the Show – it’s immodium and a small bottle of bubbly. I wonder which is which? If she’s a shit actress the immodium may be needed by the audience.

You guessed it; wee Tess is only chuffed.

Back to DS Murray who is now clothed, in a very tight-fitting shirt. Lots of pressies for the Peace fans tonight! Sam bumps into Lexxy on the street, Lexxy stresses that she knew nothing about Crankie and tells her that she’s here for her if she needs her. I’m too distracted by her hair to notice anything else. I know I mentioned it in the first recap, but what is that all about? It’s like a bouffant with a ponytail or something. How does a person do that? I imagine a scaffold is required.

A frustrated Lexxy then gets a text from Tess and gets all smiley. But it’s “aww she’s so lovely” smiley, not “finally, it’s been 236 seconds since she texted last!”. Look I’m all for Texxy but I don’t want Lexxy to settle for Tess. It looks like she’s thinking about it. Go with your passion Lexxy, not comfort. Hmmmm, wasn’t that the dilemma Cat had last season? Are you seeing recycling of storylines at all?

Sam is in work and is in butch official cop mode, giving orders and telling people how it is. She’s a bit shaky though, and looks like she might crack any moment. No! Please be ok Sam! Her partner has to take over; he’s a lovely man.

In the gallery what Sadie work in, Lauren and her wife are having a spat much to Sadie’s delight. Then they make up though and she’s all sad again. Important scene.

At the theatre, Tess arrives and is welcomed by Nora doing her best Hannibal Lector impersonation. Fully center of the screen and deathly calm. This does not bode well. At all. Nora pretends that she bumped Ed, even though she was a queen of dumptown. Bitch.

Backstage and actor friend guy, Hugh, is having a breakdown. He has chosen this moment in his life to fall apart. Poor Tess chats to him and pulls him though. She’s so lovely.

At the hospital, Lexxy is talking to knob-jockey who, hold the front page, actually gives her some good advice. He tells her to go for Tess. YAY! She says that she might coz she’s sick of going for people who need fixing. IKEA relationships never work. You get it all together and screw and sweat and there is always something extra you forgot to deal with.

Sam is going all The Wire with the cops, staking out the baddies. Actually, this is Scotland so it’s more like Taggart. Ah remember Taggart? Never understood a word he said.

They’re waiting for “the drop” and Sam is looking mighty fine in her kevlar, I must say. In another case of awful timing, she starts to have a panic attack. Pally partner tells her she should go home, but she says she’s ok. Ain’t fooling nobody lady.

At the gallery, some poncy wan is looking at a ridiculously expensive vase. While she thinks about handing over 35K for something she’ll never put flowers in, she heads to the loo. And then silly, silly woman leaves her watch there. Magpie Sadie is only chuffed.

Back backstage (can you say that?), Hugh is back to falling apart. Not really caring so much, here. Poor Tess tries to pull him back together. Come on, show, just go on.

Sam and the Keystone Cops are waiting to arrest the baddies. They do so. Shortest synopsis of that scene you’ll read.

Lexxy takes a kid to x-ray and tells the cute bloke that her knob-jockey friend likes him. Does anyone care about this at all? If you do care, he asks him out. Whatever.

Oh it seems one of the baddies got away and nice man partner ran after him. Sam is busy having an anxiety attack to follow. Not best practice is it? By the time she catches up with him, he’s been shot. Oops.

Finally some sex! Sorry but this episode is a bit of a downer. Even the incidental music is all low-key and doom-laden. Anyhoot, it’s Laydee. Methinks Sadie may have lost the battle. Seems she’s fallen for the ho-bag two-timer.

Meanwhile, Lexxy is having coffee and sees a loving couple, this inspires her to pick up the phone. Call Tess!!! Call Tess!! She calls Tess. Woohoo!

In a wave of post-coital bliss, Sadie gives Lauren the watch she swiped. Lauren is chuffed but not as much as Sadie is when Lauren says she’ll go to the play with her. Sadie practically squees. God, don’t tell me I’ll have to start calling her Poor Sadie.

Oh here’s another poor wan. Sad Sam is with nice man partner pal at the hospital as he is being wheeled into A and E. this has to smack of deja vu for her. Not easy at all. Sad Sam.

Bitch face Nora has put vinegar in the samovar! And I finally get to put that word in a sentence after years of seeing it in crosswords. Thank you Harriet. Hugh falling apart, yadda yadda. Poor Tess is looking lovely in her corsetry.

Outside the theatre, the gang’s all here and all looking sniffing in their finery. Sadie waits outside for Lauren, which can only mean she won’t show up. Poor Sadie.

Sad Sam is stressed and looking in the mirror again. She does a lot of that this episode.

The theatre, the play. It’s fab, Poor Tess is fab and it’s all fab. And Lauren doesn’t show up. Shortest synopsis of that scene you’ll read.

While Sadie is waiting outside a woman is watching her. It’s yer wan what Frankie was going to shag but didn’t. Weird. What’s this then?

Lauren and her wife are at home and her wife is wearing that horrendous jumper again. Jeez woman, once is an accident, twice is just bad taste. Their dinner guests arrive and lo and behold, the watch-losing woman is one of them. And – gasp – Lauren is wearing the watch! I know! I don’t care either!

Sad Sam in tight shirt goes to see her nice man partner pal, who looks like he’s going to be ok. She admits her attack and apologises, he accepts. Nice man.

Interval at the play and Lexxy gets a call from Sad Sam who is all upset. She drops everything to go to her. Planning to drop something else too I bet. Poor Tess!

At the dinner party of awkwardness, Lauren is pretending that she bought the watch when she gets a text from Sadie who is outside. They fight and Lauren dumps her. Poor Sadie.

Back at Sad Sam’s place, Lexxy is talking to her, comforting her and being a good pal. Then they kiss and have some pretty hot sex. It’s all deep, loving stares and long lingering kisses. All I keep thinking is, you guessed it, Poor Tess.

Here’s Poor Tess now at the after party and she is looking mighty fine. Nora approaches her and is her usual acid self and Tess lets loose on her. It’s fabulous! Poor Tess no more! Super Tess is in the house and she ain’t taking it lying down.

Unfortunately, the person she wants to be lying down with is shagging Sad Sam.

Poor Sadie is on her way to the gallery and you just know she’s up to no good, when that one what was watching her earlier follows her in. They know each other and seem to be colleague in nerr-do-wellness. Sadie swipes the money from the safe and proceeds to wreck the gaff.  The leave together and drive off into the sunset.

Poor Tess is at home and looks for Lexxy, who is busy spooning Sam elsewhere after their exhausting shagathon. And Lexxy’s hair is still in that do.

Poor Tess. The end.

*might not actually be the shortest series in television history

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