Warning: HERE BE SPOILERS!

If I’ve warned you once.. well, now I’ve warned you again.

You can catch up on all the sapphic storylines in Fair City on RTÉ Player if you haven’t seen them yet. The next episodes are tonight at 8pm and tomorrow at 7:30pm!

I’ve decided to recap both episodes of Fair City that have aired since last time around. Mostly because there are only a few wee minutes out of the full 20 which involve the Laura and Emily storyline. And partly because the next episode is tonight, so I need to get my ass in gear.

So, without further ado!

Wednesday’s ep…

The episode opens with Damien looking grumpy, and Laura looking.. perplexed. They’re outside of the, er, Kwik-E-Mart (I suppose), and Laura’s clutching a bunch of flowers. It’s grave visiting day, you see. Because it’s their late mother’s birthday, as Damien so subtly bashed Laura (and viewers) over the head about repeatedly in the last episode.

Perplexed Laura is perplexed

Laura is wearing a questionable t-shirt, but never mind that: Damien is not happy with those flowers. It’s supposed to be a wreath, he says. Ah c’mon, man, let’s not get overly fussy here.

Damo storms off and Wayne shows up. Laura, Damien and Wayne: They’re a great aul’ trio, so they are. He seems to be surprised about the fact that the siblings who are endlessly rowing with each other have just had another row. Get with the programme, Wayne.

Laura mentions that she’s uncomfortable with Damien’s weird and grumpy behaviour and doesn’t think she can do the whole grave visit thing. Wayne suggests making up an excuse to get out of it. Oh Wayne, you meddler!

Laura runs thinks it’s a great idea, however, and phones Damien. The call goes through to voicemail. Don’t leave a voicemail, Laura! Laura leaves a voicemail. Which is a big fat lie about having some class or other (I’m guessing it’s pilates) down at the Community Centre.

Well. I can’t see how this could possibly bite her on the ass. Nope. Can’t think of a single thing.

Also, there’s Blackie Connors!

We’re not in Glenroe anymore, Toto

Look at him! I feel so old!

Anyway, back to the plot at hand. It’s first date time.. or first coffee, or something.. for Laura and Emily.

For the love of god, sort out yizzer posture!

Emily’s chattin’ – as y’do – and asks about Laura being back in Carrigstown, and what brought her to Galway in the first place. This is all inevitably tied up with the death of Laura’s folks, so isn’t the best topic of conversation. Social worker Emily pursues the subject, however, which isn’t very wise.

Laura: Yeah, can we change the subject? It’s just not the topic of conversation I want to be having on our first coffee together.
Emily: Sorry.
Laura: You’re grand. Maybe another time.

Arragh sure Jayses. Wouldn’t your heart go out to her?

Then Cass interrupts their convo. I don’t care what age y’are, that’s a bad move, Cass. DO NOT DISTURB THE LESBIANS.

Laura: Cass, we’re in the middle of something here.
Cass (with a seemingly knowing wink and a smile): Oh.. Excuse me.

Really, Cass?

Finally, Laura gets to the important stuff:

Laura: So. Are you involved with anyone right now?
Emily: No. …I’m not really into the scene.

“Scene”! Kudos, Bernie Downes. It’s no lesbian film title, but that’ll do me: Take a drink!

Laura: Me neither. I just dip in and out.

Durty.

Laura: Some of the clubs are good, though. Maybe we should go one night? It’s just a thought.
Emily: [Wry smile.]

Well Jaypers, by the hokey. It’s getting fierce frisky around Carrigstown..!

Moving on: Damien and Wayne are having tea and/or coffee beside a wall. Sure, why not? Wayne The Meddler blabs to Damo that his sister’s voicemail was a big fat lie. Feck’s sake, Wayne! Laura, brace yourself. Damien’s on the war path.

Back to Laura and Emily, who are having coffee. Again? Still? Why are they outside now? When did that happen? Have I missed a scene? What’s going on?!

Al fresco coffee in Carrigstown

Anyway, in (or out) storms Damien. (He really should be accompanied by music from The Omen or onclick=”javascript:pageTracker._trackPageview (‘/outbound/www.youtube.com’);”>O Fortuna or something, you know.) Right in the middle of our young wans who are making eyes and talking bout maybe going to town next time.

Damien: Oi. How’d the class go this morning?
Laura: Eh, I’m kinda busy here.

Yeah, bog off, Damien! You. Are. Wrecking. The buzz.

Damien: There was no class. Y’just couldn’t be bothered goin’ t’your mother’s grave.

Bitch, please. Not now.

An argy bargy exchange between Laura and Damien ensues. Emily gets the feckin’ hell out of there. Hey Damien, what’s the lesbian equivalent of “cock blocker”?

Whatever it is, it doesn’t help and things escalate. Cue Bela (It’s Bela!), who’s been loitering in the background all this time.

(For some bizarre reason an ad break occurs at almost exactly the point between those last two sentences. Whoever the hell in RTÉ is responsible for scheduling ad breaks has the art of completely shit timing down to a tee. Pay attention the next time your favourite anything is being aired. Go on. Try it.)

Bela: Laura, Laura. Laura. Hey, c’mere love, sit down here for a minute, okay?

Bela sends Damo on his way. The wise man of Carrigstown gives Laura some sage advice.

Bela: Damien’s upset.
Laura: So he takes it out on me?
Bela (with the wisdom of ages): Isn’t that what we all do? Take it out on someone else?

Profound, Bela. Truly profound.

Later, back at the unhappy trio’s gaff. Laura’s making tea. Here, woman. Ease off on the caffeine, for the love of Mike. Wayne The Meddler has the fecking neck to ask, “Are y’okay?” No, Wayne. She is not okay. And your gossipy blabber mouth hasn’t helped!

Poor Laura’s having a bit of a not-midlife crisis. Her post-college big plans didn’t involve teaching pilates at the Community Centre, and she’s starting to question everything. At which point Damo wanders in, all weird and seemingly paranoid and jealous.

Damien: Verdy cosy.

There’s more arguing, and more of Wayne’s meddling.

Damien (to Wayne): Gwan back insoied and watch telly, willyeh?

A thought: Having lived for six years in Galway since the age of 13, Laura has nary a hint of a Galwegian accent. Huh.

Wayne slinks off with a few final interfering words, before Damien gets all up in Laura’s grill.

Damien: You’re a cold creature, Laura.
Laura: You don’t know me at all, Damien. You never even tried to.

That’s you told, Damo.

…And so to Thursday’s ep

It’s breakfast time at the Laura-Damien-Wayne gaff. Damien and Wayne are preparing a delicious morning meal of corn flakes, toast and squabbling. Damien’s not impressed with Wayne giving his tuppenceworth and accuses him of siding with Laura.

Exit Wayne, enter Laura.

Damien: This is stupeh.
Laura: Is that supposed to be an apology?
Damien: Laura…
Laura: Didn’t think so.

Early morning smack-down: Complete.

Later at the Community Centre, Judith (I think) tells Laura that Jane was just raving about those pilates classes, by the way.

I swear to god. If I hear the word “pilates” one more time, something is going to get broken. (Are you listening, Clare Dowling?)

Laura admits that although she enjoys teaching.. those classes, she didn’t think she’d still be doing them. Judith suggests a post-grad. “Go back to college?” Yes, Laura. That’s usually where you’ll find post-graduate courses. Judith shuffles out the door, while Damien bumbles in.

Laura: Wait…

What’s this? Looks like Laura is hoping the brother and sister can make amends. Is there peace on the horizon?

…No.

Later still, there’s an Emily in the background at the Community Centre, leaving her table to go somewhere. And – well, what do you know – the path to that somewhere is promply crossed by Laura. And she’s back in lycra!

But not even a be-lycra’d Laura can woo Emily now.

Laura: Hi!
Emily (heading towards the door): Laura. I’m just on my way to a home visit.

Ooh… Brush off.

Laura: Oh yeah, look, listen, I just wanna say, eh.. Apologise about yesterday.
Emily (curtly): It’s fine.
Laura: Yeah, my brother, he’s got a few things he needs to sort out.
Emily (brusquely): Right, well eh, I hope everything sorts itself out.
Laura: Actually, I was going to give you a call later.
Emily: Laura… [Uncomfortable pause]
Laura (like a wounded puppy): What, you don’t want to meet up again?
Emily: I just want to take my time with things. Okay?
Laura (still like a wounded puppy): Sure.
Emily: I better go. I’ll see ya.

Ouch.

Ah god. How couldja?!

There’s no point feeling sorry for yourself now, Emily!

• The next episodes are tonight at 8pm and tomorrow at 7:30pm!