Warning: HERE BE SPOILERS!

There, now. You have been warned. (You can, of course, watch the episode online and then come back here to enjoy this here wonderful critique, before catching up with the next episode tonight.)

I got a wee tip off yesterday evening, when a little birdie twittered about a certain plot line being introduced this week in Fair City.

There’s been quite the shortage of lesbians around Carrigstown ever since Yvonne and Connie.. I don’t know, fizzled away?

Anyway, the drought hath ended! Enter Laura Halpin (Liana O’Cleirigh) and Emily Mahon (Eimear Morrissey). Just in time for Pride. Commence the shipping, canoning and name-merging!

Laura, you see, had been away. For six years. But as of last year she’s back. And she’s wearing lycra.

So, skipping over any non-Laurmily scenes, here’s a quick recap (“Laurmily”? No, that doesn’t work. Portmanteau fail):

Intros

Scene: Enter Laura, who’s getting ready for the day with a litre and-a-half of water, her gym bag and absolutely zero interest in watching England v Ukraine, apparently. She’s also not a morning person, and does not take kindly to early morning callers, thank you very much.

Apart from that, Laura – like any decent stealth lesbian worth her salt – is into sports, and so here she is at the Carrigstown Community Centre teaching pilates. (There are several things wrong with that sentence, but we’ll have to just leave it there. I’m developing a headache.)

The boss tells her there’s a young, dark haired Jane lined up for an 11am appointment.

At the appointed time, Laura approaches a young, dark haired somewan, introduces herself, and starts prattling on about pilates, remedial pilates and, er, yogic flying. But wait – that’s not Jane, it’s Emily! What larks! Such a comedy of errors! The mistake is revealed, Laura apologises, and Emily introduces herself with a meaningful look, donchya know.

Ladies at lunch

Later on, Laura meets the bro, Damian (who’s happily fobbing off a nixer – is Carrigstown recessionproof?), down the pub. Laura is enthralling her audience with the news that her boss is “pushing remedial pilates”. “I do prefer the one-on-one than dealing with a class,” sez Laura, “But it’s still pilates.”

I’m not sure where this is going. Also, for the love of god, everyone stop saying “pilates”!

“And I’m not knocking that, but-” Damo interrupts: “I know nuthin’ abouh thah, so wuy’re ye askin’ me?” Hear, hear, Damien.

And, just like a Celtic onclick=”javascript:pageTracker._trackPageview (‘/outbound/www.youtube.com’);”>Deirdrie Chambers, Emily enters.

Emily (with a smile): Hello again.
Laura (with.. brevity): Oh, hi. Hi.

Jayses, lads. Such flirtation! Wouldjas ever tone it down a bit? I’m getting all hot ‘n’ bothered here!

Laura whips her hair back (but not forth) so that she’s eyeballing her disinterested bro again. “Are you gonna tell me what’s up?” Get with the programme, Laura. I’ll tell you what’s up: Carrigstown sapphistry at 6 o’clock. So turn around!

Damien storms off, like a grumpy, emotionally stunted fella. Over at her table, Emily gets a call dragging her away from her lunch plans – just as Laura makes her move. Dag nabbit! But hoorah! She’s left a notebook behind – Deirdrie Chambers is watching over you, Laura.

Later still…

Later on, at the Community Centre, Laura’s been left minding a child for some reason (“This is my latest recruit,” says Laura. Sorry, Laura, no toaster for you), when who should stop by? That’s right! Emily!

(How does Emily know that kid by name?) Anyway, Emily cuts to the chase: did she leave a notebook in the Centre this morning? Dutiful and responsible Laura left it with the staff, and reassures her that nobody looked through it. But that’s okay:

Emily: It’d be no harm if they did, it’s not overly confidential.

Phew!

Emily: It’s just an A to Z of my DVDs.

Wait. What?

Emily: I got sick of buying the same ones over and over.

Good god woman, stop talking!

Inexplicably, Laura is intrigued:

Laura: Ohhh.. What’s your favourite?

Emily (with a sidelong, set-gaydar-to-stun glance): Show Me Love.

Aha! I see where this contrived and frankly strange bit of plot and dialogue is going…

Emily continues: It’s Swedish, you mightn’t have heard of it.

Oh, but you’re so very wrong, Emily.

Laura (knowingly): Lukas Moodysson.
Emily (agape): [Ding-ding-ding, jackpot! expression]
Laura: I’ve only seen it, like, four times. It’s brilliant.

Looks like you’re not the only leslie in the village, Emily.

Laura: It’s not my favourite, though.
Emily: What is?
Laura: Have a coffee with me some time and I’ll tell you.

Get you, Laura Halpin! Oh, you are one smooth operator.

And so, habemus Emilra! (Yeah, maybe not..)

• Last night’s episode writer is Noel McGee. Cue immature giggling. Next episode is tonight at 7:30pm!