Straight Talking
Tags: heterophobia By Gaelick Contributor Kristine Allen
Image from listsoplenty.com
“Oh…she’s…straight?” a lesbian friend of mine pronounces the word as if it is some alien concept, her confusion/slight distaste clearly evident.
Feeling a sudden need to justify my new friendship with the girl whose sexual orientation she is disgusted by, I explain how we came to meet.
“And you like her, right?” it is more of a statement than a question.
Upon hearing that I don’t and that the girl has a (very) long – term boyfriend, this seems to further confuse her. In fact, underneath the glaring orange glow of a streetlamp on Dame St, it appears as if she is going to pursue her line of interrogation further, before her bus comes, and she makes a reluctant exit.
Heterophobia can be defined as ‘an irritational fear of, aversion toward, or discrimination against heterosexual people and institutions’and it is something which exists amongst some members of the LGBT community.
Thankfully, this seems to be ever decreasing, perhaps due to the (slow) progress with regard to equality that we are making and the subsequent better treatment by hetreosexuals of people who identify as LGBT, however it still exists, varying in it’s degree and the guise that it takes, amongst some members of the LGBT community.
Could this heterophobic attitude be due to fear, considering many of us have experienced a form of discrimination at the hands of a heterosexual person? Or is it simply because some of us have immersed ourselves so deeply within the familiarity and safety of the LGBT community that we view anything outside of it as something to not only feel threatened by, but as something abnormal? Or maybe the refusal by the heterosexual community as of yet to grant us full equal rights, say in the form of gay marriage, is the catalyst for the continuance of heterophobia?
Despite my reference to my friend’s heterophobic tone, I will be honest and say that I have in the past have been prone to this heterophobic mentality.
Having entered the LGBT community at 19, on foot of being discriminated against in the heterosexual world, I found that as time passed, the confidence that I had gained as a result of being finally accepted amongst my peers, began to turn into what I would call a mild form of heterophobia (if there is such a thing as varying degrees of discrimination), and I know from experience that I am not the only young LGBT person whom this has happened to.
I have heard other disparaging comments made about people who are ‘straight’ by some members of the LGBT community. Now before I am lynched, being a young gay woman in a predominantly heterosexual world, I am all too aware of the homophobia that exists within our city. I also know that the chances that an all too similar conversation possibly took place between the ‘Straight’ girl I was referring to and a ‘Straight’ friend of hers, on foot of her discussing her upcoming meeting with a ‘Lesbian girl’ (oh shock horror!), and therefore I can understand why some people who identify as LGBT may feel a sense of hostility towards people who are ‘Straight. ’
However, do two wrongs really make a right?
Yes, it is well known that LGBT people have been made to feel uncomfortable inside the doors of straight bars, but does this really justify the dirty looks that some of us, sometimes quite unknowingly, have been seen to throw in the direction of perhaps a straight couple in The George, who happen to have attended with some gay friends?
Isn’t this mentality just going to fuel the already evident divide between the heterosexual and LGBT community? Without meaning to sound too dramatic, do we really want to be encouraging a society reminiscent of the segregation seen between people of differing skin colours?
Shouldn’t we be leading by example and welcoming heterosexuals who clearly are accepting of people who identify as LGBT, considering their friends are members of the LGBT community, with the openness that we in turn expect to receive when we attend heterosexual venues?
Image from dreamstime.com
For me, my personal heterophobic tendencies (which I am happy to say are now a thing of the past!) largely emanated from the experiences that I had with heterosexual people in my teenage years. While I had some lovely heterosexual friends in my adolescent years (mainly on the female side), there were also a fair few ignorant bullies whom made me feel pretty much ashamed to be a lesbian, while ‘straight’ blokes were…well… a whole other kettle of fish!
Referring to me as ‘a man’ and a ‘lezzer’ because I was more interested in scoring a football goal rather than scoring them, it would be fair to say that these experiences didn’t help me to view these lads in the best of lights. Then there was their ability to get the ‘straight’ girls that I, being a girl, never could hope to achieve and their subsequent dismissive/ degrading attitudes towards them. And so all of these experiences resulted in a form of distrust of my heterosexual peers and I suppose a downright dislike towards heterosexual men.
This all changed when, due to a much needed expansion of my whole social circle, I began to spend more time with young people who didn’t identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender. At first, there was the initial fear of being discriminated against by these ‘straight people’ for being a lesbian, let alone the terrifying prospect of having to listen to a group of girls waxing lyrical about Olly Murs.
However, after spending an evening in their company, all of my negative preconceived notions were dispelled and as an out lesbian, I found that by the majority of people, both male and female, I was made to feel at ease and in turn accepted within their group. Apart from an awkward moment of being hit on by a lad who wasn’t in fact a part of the group, who had one too many Budweiser’s, I found the night to be really enjoyable and to be honest, refreshing!
Since I have become friends with this new crowd of people, I have discovered tons of new pubs/gig venues/ clubs/ within the City Centre. Don’t get me wrong, I still love going to LGBT places with my LGBT friends, however now I feel that much more liberated and less restricted when it comes to socialising!
I will be starting University in September, and am now much more at ease about the prospect of mixing with people who stem from a diversity of backgrounds and communities, having taken that frightening leap from the safety and comfort of the LGBT community. Now whilst I am aware that I am far from the only member of the LGBT community who has heterosexual friends and also attends heterosexual venues, I know from experience and from talking to other LGBT people that just as many don’t and that a large chunk of their social lives takes place with people who identify as LGBT within LGBT venues.
While I hear the argument that many LGBT people, who are either out or not out, don’t feel comfortable enough or safe enough to socialise outside of the LGBT community (which is a valid concern – in particular with regard to LGBT couples when attending straight nightclubs), I don’t feel that this solely explains some of our community’s reluctance to step out of our LGBT ‘bubble’, nor justifies the heterophobia that some of us either currently display or have displayed in the past.
After all, how will we ever eradicate homophobia or gain support with regard to marriage equality from people outside of the LGBT community, if a portion of the LGBT community does not make the effort to mix socially within the heterosexual community and refuses to be as accepting towards their sexual orientation/lifestyle as we wish them to be towards our own?
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lol@how this is turning...
We are right to be skeptical and suspicious of straight people. It’s like being afraid of drowning. It’s a legitimate fear. We get bullied, fired, put out of our homes, abused and insulted by straight people. Even friendly straight people routinely negate my experiences and tell me I’m being over dramatic when I talk about my friends being threatened in the streets, or how I can’t touch or kiss my wife in public without fear.
Heterophobia doesn’t even actually affect straight people. They feel judged. So what? Nobody’s going to fire them over it, or tell them they can’t get married, or tell them they can’t adopt, etc. Nobody’s going to send them out of their home for it, or beat them up.
I refuse to entertain any kind of oh, poor straight people discussion until we have 100% all of the rights they have.
Maybe by then I’ll be over my “heterophobia”.
Really well written piece. To the commenter above, I’d suggest that it’s not necessarily an “oh, poor straight people” discussion. Rather, there’s a cost for the LGBT person who loses friends and opportunities by being uncomfortable around straight people.
What’s more, I do think that it’s wrong to define people by their sexuality like you’ve done. We get bullied, fired, put out of our homes, abused and insulted by bad people. That’s their key characteristic, not that they’re straight.
Jeez, I can’t move for the all generalisations being thrown around here.
I’m in the middle.
I don’t think heterophobia is as much of an issue as some people like to think. Most of the straight people I’ve seen cry heterophobia have actually just been offended at gay people calling them out on their homophobia.
At the same time, I do recognise that not all straight people are homophobic or deserve the scorn that can sometimes be poured upon them in LGBT spaces.
I preserve my scorn for homophobes, not straight people.
Here’s the thing for me – I try to remain a bit on guard around straight people. It’s not because I fear they are going to be outright malicious, but because I do not expect them to really get it. I do have straight friends who get it, really get it and are in the trenches fighting for equality. I can count them on my fingers. But over and over through the decades, I have befriended straight people and overestimated them. Sooner or later, I’ve nearly always ran smack into their icky bit of homophobia that they keep defending. It’s the dear friend I love who can’t stop calling things ‘gay’ and then apologizing to me. She’d go to a rally with me if I asked, but still. She can’t stop that insult. And there’s the friend who never batted an eye when I came out to her, never had any sort of negative reaction to me… until I used the word ‘dyke’. She was horrified, totally freaked out. There’s the friend who knew me and my ex for years, shared a house with us when we bought our rings, saw the utilities paid for with our joint checking account… and then years later, after we broke up, laughed at another (straight) friend’s wedding about a conversation we’d had about marriage back in our houseshare days and said none of us had any idea what we were talking about. I could give you an example like this for almost every straight person I’ve known well. So if I say I’m wary of straight people, that I deliberately keep a certain distance and watch myself, is that heterophobia? Is that an irrational fear?
Hi
I have lived as a straight person most of my adult life.. I believed it for most of it. I now have finally accepted that I am gay. I am married and completely in the hetero world. I find now that I no longer fit in in either world.
I have not kept abreast of the fight for equality in the LGBT world because it did not factor in my life. Much the same as the abuse of child workers in third world countries did not inspire me to chain myself to dail eirinn. This does not make me a bad person. I take the point that homophobia has resulted in rights being taken away from gay people whilst heterophobia merely offends people but for me i find it terribly alienating. I have not “come out” because I don’t feel i will have any where to “come in” once I do…
Ok so many straight people “don’t get it”, neither did many white people when racism was the norm… did the ghettoisation of the two communities work out well in S. Africa?
Education can only work when there is a meaningful dialogue from both parties..it is a sad state of affairs that I do not know a single gay person that I can turn to for advice in my journey… is this all my fault? from some of the unwelcome vibes coming from sites like this I would humbly suggest it’s not…
Nora, I hope you give the LGBT community a chance. I know it is a bit intimidating, but you’ll meet plenty of women who married and had children before coming out and I’d be very surprised if you didn’t find a group or event where you felt welcome. If you run into people who don’t welcome or accept you, keep looking. If you are in or near Dublin, there is so much to choose from. Check out the lesbian line and running amach for starters.
You make a valid point about dialogue. But the problem is that it is emotionally exhausting (and in my observation that also holds true for other minority communities trying to educate the mainstream). There has been a sincere effort to create dialogue from the LGBT community since at least the 1920s, but for the most part, the response has been violence, not dialogue. That is changing. In many places, we’ve shifted gears from trying to protect ourselves from state violence to trying to obtain legal equality. But of course, the hate is still there in many quarters even in relatively accepting countries.
To clarify my point, I’m not opposed to talking to people who are open to being educated, open to dialogue. I’ve spent an awful lot of time doing just that, and also trying to educate those who were less open. But the hard thing, because I’m only human and have my limits, is when I relax with friends, when I am NOT educating, just chilling out, and then – WHAM- get smacked with some offensive remark from someone I thought really and truly believed that I am their equal, that my community and my life and my romantic history were as valid and real and meaningful as theirs, but then WHAM. Out comes some remark that either shows that is not how they feel or really calls it into question.
Hi Nora,
Just briefly picking up on something that okitty mentions above – if you’re looking for some advice, or trying to make contact with groups/new people, the LGBT Helpline may be a good first port of call: 1890 929 539. (It operates Mon to Fri 7-9pm & Sat to Sun 4-6pm.)
They also have a website: lgbt.ie.
Hi Nora, there is also a First Out group meeting on the first Thursday of every month at Outhouse (at the end of Capel St near Cineworld), for anyone in the process of coming out. May be of comfort and support to you and i am sure you will find whether at this group or perhaps other groups/meet ups such as Running Amach, that you are not the only person in such a situation. I would also advocate the helpline also mentioned above. Keep the faith.
Hi o kitty, Kris, thank you all for your kind replies. okitty your reply was extremely balanced and kinda makes mine sound awfully petulant. Iknow what it is like to be completly let down by someone and when it happens out of the blue it stings… I have to admit I never go back for “seconds” when someone hurts me so I should be able to see where you are coming from..
I guess my reply was born out of my frustration.. at the moment I am neither “an arse or an elbow” neither “in or out” if you excuse the expression. I have looked at both running amach and the outhouse but I live 2 hours away and with kids it is very hard to attend any of the meet ups or meetings..
Also I’m not at the point that I am ready to throw away the life i have so turning up at a RA event seems scary and risky…
Thank you for your replies… I feel more welcome than ever but I guess this is one journey that is going to take time…
Nora.
Nora, all I can say is good luck in your journey and add that the Running Amach folks are simply lovely. So if you do decide to go to a meeting, you’ll be in good hands.
One tiny thing I’d like to add to the people who feel similar to Rebecca is that heterophobia does lead to biphobia. I’ve been the person in a gay bar with my girlfriend and told ‘why the eff are you here’? And been harassed because of it. Yes, harassed. Harassed in the same way I get harassed when I have looked visibly queer or when I have held hands with someone of the same sex. I understand that I have privelage when I appear as a hetero couple, I understand that this is the flip side to that but I also believe in equality and tolerance. I also feel that this attitude leads for bisexuals to feel they have no real community. Not to mention trans* people who transition and appear straight who seem to lose lesbian and gay community all together. I think it’s important to remember that there are people who are queer and ‘get it’ who might appear heterosexual at first glance.
Also, a last thing on ‘being disappointed’ by people. Being involved in trans issues quite heavily, I’ve been disappointed A LOT by members of the LGBT community. I’ve had those moments where I’ve thought I’ve been with awesome LGBT allies and they say something so effed up that I don’t know what to do I’m so shocked. I’ve also been surprised by non-LGBT people. I’ve got a mass card that says ‘Congratulations on your transition’. A. Mass. Card.
You know, I’ve resigned myself that most people will feck up at some point, I know it’s exhausting and it’s easier and understandable to just surround yourself with people who get you. I do it myself sometimes. Sometimes it’s necessary for your own mental well being. But I’ve found it’s also a limited experience and I’ve found my life a richer one for putting myself out there a few times. I don’t do it all the time but hey, people will surprise you.
Sorry, I meant CanukJacq not Rebecca in the above comment, my apologies to Rebecca!!
I stumbled across this article by chance and I’m glad I did. I found it to be refreshing and wholly uplifting, written with real understanding.
Although the article itself pleased me, the first comment made my smile wane and I feel I should address it as I address the idea of heterophobia too.
I understand the fear or wariness that LGBT people may have of heterosexual people, initially. I understand it because my eldest sister is a lesbian and has been happily married to her sweetheart for many years and I have witnessed hostility against them simply because they love one another and that doesn’t compute for some people. I also understand it because I am bisexual, and although some may think that’s an easy life to lead and that surely it’s the best of both worlds, it’s far from it. I understand the wariness and fear and sometimes the hatred that may stem from past experiences, but I do not condone it.
CanuckJacq said:
‘Heterophobia doesn’t even actually affect straight people. They feel judged. So what? Nobody’s going to fire them over it, or tell them they can’t get married, or tell them they can’t adopt, etc. Nobody’s going to send them out of their home for it, or beat them up.
I refuse to entertain any kind of oh, poor straight people discussion until we have 100% all of the rights they have.’
And although this is your opinion, I feel it imperative to explain to you that it might be time to open your mind a little more. Heterophobia doesn’t affect straight people? I’m sorry but that’s just as bad as saying racism doesn’t affect white people or sexism doesn’t affect men. It’s writing off the idea that a legitimate prejudice doesn’t affect those it is against.
I went out with a girl once who identified as strictly lesbian. I identified as bisexual before I started dating her, then to please her and to get her to stop looking down on me, I said I was a lesbian. I regret that because I shouldn’t have to identify as strictly one sexuality to please the one I’m with. The reason I bring her up in this case is because from time to time she would sneer at me and ask crudely and explicitly what it was like to be with a man. She looked down on me because I had been with men, as if this was some kind of abominable act. She was hostile about it, cruel and it eventually led me to feel lesser than I should have. She didn’t necessarily say anything about my being Bi, but more that I was straight until I started seeing girls, and how stupid that was.
I felt affected by heterophobia, and the reason it hurt so much and made me so angry in the long run is because I have grown up so immersed in tolerance and the idea of equality that when I am faced with prejudice or inequality, it takes me by surprise and I can’t fathom it at first. I understand that LGBT rights are far from accepted as purely equal to heterosexuals across the board, that there are still so many risks there, but in saying that, I think it needs to be clear that just because somebody is heterosexual doesn’t mean they don’t suffer prejudice in some shape or form for some stupid reason.
Homophobia is horrible because it’s this hatred and lack of understanding of something that shouldn’t even be an issue. Homophobia has probably affected most of the people that post on, visit and comment this site. I have been affected by homophobia because I was holding my girlfriend’s hand and refused to listen to ‘It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, or Eve and Joanne (I don’t even know, he didn’t seem especially bright)’ and have had men come up to me and tell me they’ll turn me straight, resulting in some crude gestures.
I’m posting this with prior knowledge of how it feels to be singled out and looked down upon because I was viewed as gay. I know how it feels, and it feels like shit. But I’m not going to let that make me look down upon straight people or men in general just because events occurred with those groups involved. I wouldn’t ever let that make me wary or fearful or hateful of an entire group of people just because I’ve been wronged by one person or two people who fit into that group. To me, wariness/hatred/prejudice of/against heterosexual people as a whole because of past experience with a few seems as ludicrous as saying ‘I hate African-Irish people because on more than one occasion I’ve been harassed by them/mugged by them/they’ve been horrible to me’ or ‘I hate all men because one treated me badly’.
It’s like me saying ‘I hate lesbians because more than once I’ve had them discriminate against me for being bisexual’, it just seems stupid to do that. Contrary to what some believe, just because heterosexual people don’t get fired, harassed, told they can’t marry or adopt, doesn’t mean they aren’t affected by heterophobia. That’s like saying that homophobia doesn’t affect LGBT people if they aren’t being fired, harassed, told they can’t marry or adopt. Prejudice hurts whether it’s active (stopping you from having rights) or passive (simply knowing these people judge you). Heterophobia affects heterosexuals that feel the scorn and anger of LGBT people without reason. Just because you aren’t throwing rocks doesn’t mean the pain isn’t as bad.
I’m probably rambling a little bit but my point is this: Really, why hate on/feel prejudice toward ‘Heterosexuals’ as a whole? Is it not immediately obvious that in doing so, you are no better than heterosexual people who feel wary of/hate on LGBT people?
Is it not an obvious irony that you demand equal rights and fair treatment as LGBT but until you get those, you’ll remain heterophobic? I’m not trying to start an argument of which there will be no end or tell you ‘You’re wrong!’, I’m simply trying to offer enlightenment from a different view. What good is it to be heterophobic when you’ve experienced homophobia and it hurt you? What good is it to feel prejudice against somebody else when you’ve suffered from it and know how it feels?
“Heterophobia doesn’t affect straight people? I’m sorry but that’s just as bad as saying racism doesn’t affect white people or sexism doesn’t affect men. It’s writing off the idea that a legitimate prejudice doesn’t affect those it is against”
I have to say Lisa that your post was most thought provoking and well written. The above point was especially well made. However fear and hurt messes with everyones moral compass… I know that because of my growing acceptance of who I am has increased my experience of both feelings..
So although I do feel the original author was harsh and sadly as prejudiced as those she/he purports to disagree with, she/ he is obviously hurting… all we can hope is that their experience, your experience and my experience from now on will be a little better. By opening the dialogue on this site perhaps that can said to be a little bit closer to reality?
Hey Lisa. Thanks for the positive comments about the article (and to everyone else who posted) fully agree with your comments. You articulated your points really well and I think those comments will make lots of people think about heterophobia in even more depth, considering that the comments are coming from someone who has experienced both heterophobia and homophobia.
@Lisa: i wrote an article specifically around the discrimination bisexual people face within the LGBT community. If you google ‘if i were a bi christine allen’ it should appear…thought you would find this interesting! Also to Nora best of luck too with everything, its all a process (a scary one i know), but I hope now you feel a little more welcome at the prospect of entering the whole LGBT community in the future. In a way you already are a member since your posting on this site
i hope everything works out.
@Nora Thanks for those kind words about my post, I’m glad they might have helped further the ideas of heterophobia and the like, and also I understand completely about the author I addressed too. I harbour no ill will or anger toward her and understand that it’s hard to let go of hurt and pain and anger when it’s been caused by a specific group. I was bullied for most of my life in school for one reason or another, usually simply because I was different and it was always an easy-to-categorise group of people who would do it, and it took me a LONG time to get over that, so when I say ‘I understand why you feel this way’ I truly do. I just hope that eventually, as cheesy as it sounds, she can heal from all the strife caused and leave any notions of heterophobia in the past and just be happy and at peace.
@Kris Also have to thank you for your response and for the notice on your article on bisexual discrimination, will definitely check that out! Really enjoyed your writing style in this one so I’m hoping you keep up the articles for Gaelick
Cheers Lisa! No probs, will do