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10 obvious signs you’re a lesbian & how to cure it

 

Since reading all about Malaysia targeting children for “gay cures” and the dead giveaways that your little boy is gay, such as:

 

  • They express a liking for big handbags, similar to those used by women.

I thought there should be a proper list compiled of things to look for if you suspect your daughter, mother, grandmother, sister or pet is indeed a lesbian.

 

 

10 Obvious Signs

 

  1. They own a cat. If you know a female that owns a cat and  is over protective of said cat then she’s probably a raging dyke.
  2.  

  3. If their music comprises mostly of female singers such as Joni Mitchell or even that woman-loving Katy Perry, then back the f*ck up cause there’s a lesbian in your midst.
  4.  

  5. Their favourite place to hang out is a coffee shop. Lesbians are instinctively attracted to caffeine and will flock to these social watering holes in the hopes of meeting other coffee loving ladies.
  6.  

  7. Do they use Lynx because they “like the smell”? Chances are they also like the vaj, and spray themselves in Lynx to draw women to them.
  8.  

  9. Check the length of their nails. If they’re short then they definitely don’t just like keeping them that way for personal hygiene. They’re keeping their sexual appendages neat and ready for sordid erotic affairs of the sinful kind!
  10.  

  11. If they walk with a limp and a gangsta lean then you can bet your bottom dollar they’re secretly rolling in hoes, and probably run a lesbian brothel and have already attempted to poach you for said brothel!
  12.  

  13. Leave an open can of tuna sitting on the table or counter in the kitchen. A lesbian will sniff this out, find it and devour it.
  14.  

  15. Lesbians love stripes. Present her with a stripey top: if she accepts then she also accepts sexual advances from women and may think you’re coming on to her! (If she declines, you’re safe.)
  16.  

  17. Can’t open that jar of phallic shaped pickles your straight self has been dying to dig in to all day? Ask your assumed-lesbian friend or relative to open the jar. If they succeed, then they have that queer strength only lezbots possess!
  18.  

  19. Being in the presence of men makes them violently ill and angry. If this happens then slap a rainbow on her and call her Ellen.

 

The Cures

 

  1. Buy the 50 Shades of Grey boxset and make her read them. This is sure to make her crave the knob.
  2.  

  3. Have a girly night in and a “Sex and the City” marathon. Once she sees other women getting it on with men she’ll warm to the idea and not just be turned on by the naked women and by Cynthia Nixon, lesbian extraordinaire. The naked men should also tickle her fancy.
  4.  

  5. The Chippendales are in town: book tickets to this! All that testosterone, oily male muscle and erotic “manly” dancing on stage should most definitely be enough to set her straight.
  6.  

  7. Swap her beer for cocktails, because they’re girly, straight and include the word “cock”.
  8.  

  9. Finally, let her know you accept her for who she is, as long as she’s not gay. This reassurance of your love should be enough to seal the deal and stamp out the last bit of gayness.

 

 

Important note! This is a satirical piece constructed to show how stupid people are capable of being.

 

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12 Comments

  • PMSL!!!

    Oh man, I needed that laugh on a Monday morning.

    *sips coffee while wearing striped top*

    hal said:
  • Lmfao! Great start to a rainy Monday morning :D

    Kris said:
  • Bwahahaha! Funny and ACCURATE

    Dolanchap said:
  • Glad you guys liked this. Anyone have any other “signs” or “cures” for lesbians? :)

    Jen (author) said:
  • I do I do I do!!

    Signs: -Owns several plaid shirts, or one plaid shirt that she wears everywhere. Lesbians universally adore plaid because it reminds them of living in log cabins, whittling furniture and Being Comfortable.

    - Lesbians dance by throwing their arms into the air and yelling song lyrics into their friends faces. Alternatively, they dance like Ellen.

    - Lesbians say things like ‘What are you doing tomorrow? Wanna go to IKEA?’, because they are addicted to assembling flatpacked Swedish furniture [See Plaid Shirts]

    - All lesbians have an opinion about Ellen Page.

    Cures: -Johnny Depp, or failing that, cartoons with a Johnny Depp voiceover. In an emergency situation, a gif of Captain Jack Sparrow mincing will probably do the job.

    - Take her to Coppers. No woman has ever entered Coppers and left without shifting a Garda, she’ll be converted instantly!

    - Tell her she is only allowed to be gay if she is ‘Rosie O’ Donnell gay’. Should clear it right up.

    Dolanchap said:
  • hi my name is Jess
    i am a average 14 year old girl that is confused weather i am bi or gay
    so i type in “signs of being lesbian”

    THEN I GET A PAGE THAT CAN CURE YOU!

    yea that helped me loads saying i can get cured because otherwise i will burn in hell yea good one

    judgmental shits

    oh sorry i swore can i get cured for that as well?!

    jess said:
  • Ah ahhahaha This is a joke right? Did you see the horrible one on Christwire? That was awful! Lol It even got racist.

    Pixel said:
  • Owns and is very protective of cats? Seeks out and devours a can of opened tuna? Is strong enough to open pickle jars? Holy Sh*t, Batman! Catwoman’s a lesbian!
    …Huraay! ;-D
    Which catwoman actress would you prefer to bat for our team?

    dragondingohybrid said:
  • I cannot believe the amount of stereotypical lesbians on this all of this is soooo not true I have a friend who’s a lesbian and she is nothing like this in fact if she didn’t tell you she was a lesbian you wouldn’t even know you would think she was straight! Some lesbian girls are exactly like straight girls and act and dress totally normal

    Wolf tom said:
  • You can’t cure a lesbian from being lesbian. LOL. Learn to accept them, you fucking racists.

    Smoothie said:
  • Hi Jess, Wolf tom and Smoothie, just wanted to draw your attention to the note at the bottom of this post “Important note! This is a satirical piece constructed to show how stupid people are capable of being.”, this is a piece of satire of the genuine pieces like this. We’re not trying to homophobic or racist (?). This is a blog for LBT women.

    LadySanctuary said:
  • This is hilarious! I’m crying!! thanks for posting haha!

    Hi said:
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