Since reading all about Malaysia targeting children for “gay cures” and the dead giveaways that your little boy is gay, such as:

• They express a liking for big handbags, similar to those used by women.

I thought there should be a proper list compiled of things to look for if you suspect your daughter, mother, grandmother, sister or pet is indeed a lesbian.

10 Obvious Signs

1. They own a cat. If you know a female that owns a cat and  is over protective of said cat then she’s probably a raging dyke.

 

2. If their music comprises mostly of female singers such as Joni Mitchell or even that woman-loving Katy Perry, then back the f*ck up cause there’s a lesbian in your midst.

 

3. Their favourite place to hang out is a coffee shop. Lesbians are instinctively attracted to caffeine and will flock to these social watering holes in the hopes of meeting other coffee loving ladies.

 

4. Do they use Lynx because they “like the smell”? Chances are they also like the vaj, and spray themselves in Lynx to draw women to them.

 

5. Check the length of their nails. If they’re short then they definitely don’t just like keeping them that way for personal hygiene. They’re keeping their sexual appendages neat and ready for sordid erotic affairs of the sinful kind!

 

6. If they walk with a limp and a gangsta lean then you can bet your bottom dollar they’re secretly rolling in hoes, and probably run a lesbian brothel and have already attempted to poach you for said brothel!

 

7. Leave an open can of tuna sitting on the table or counter in the kitchen. A lesbian will sniff this out, find it and devour it.

 

8. Lesbians love stripes. Present her with a stripey top: if she accepts then she also accepts sexual advances from women and may think you’re coming on to her! (If she declines, you’re safe.)

 

9. Can’t open that jar of phallic shaped pickles your straight self has been dying to dig in to all day? Ask your assumed-lesbian friend or relative to open the jar. If they succeed, then they have that queer strength only lezbots possess!

 

10. Being in the presence of men makes them violently ill and angry. If this happens then slap a rainbow on her and call her Ellen.

The Cures

1. Buy the 50 Shades of Grey boxset and make her read them. This is sure to make her crave the knob.

 

2. Have a girly night in and a “Sex and the City” marathon. Once she sees other women getting it on with men she’ll warm to the idea and not just be turned on by the naked women and by Cynthia Nixon, lesbian extraordinaire. The naked men should also tickle her fancy.

 

3. The Chippendales are in town: book tickets to this! All that testosterone, oily male muscle and erotic “manly” dancing on stage should most definitely be enough to set her straight.

 

4. Swap her beer for cocktails, because they’re girly, straight and include the word “cock”.

 

5. Finally, let her know you accept her for who she is, as long as she’s not gay. This reassurance of your love should be enough to seal the deal and stamp out the last bit of gayness.

Important note! This is a satirical piece constructed to show how stupid people are capable of being.