The latest from Sinéad Dolan!

YAY! No Butt Pain!

Alright, so you have a shiny new harness, and it is super sexy and wonderful, guaranteed never to accidentally get stuck in your butt, and you are almost positive that you know how to work the straps. Now it’s time to pick out something magnificent to put in that bad boy [and I don’t mean your girlfriend]. There are a million different dildos in the world, at least. They come in all shapes and sizes, colours, textures, some are electrical, and some are manual – we are living in the future when it comes to phallic technology. With that in mind, here are a few helpful tips to help you on your way to pitching your very own tent.

And just to get this out of the way immediately, I am purely talking about dildos for sexy time, not for gender expression. If you are strapping on for manly purposes, this is not the article for you, maybe I will talk about that some other time. This right here is purely about hands free ladyboning, and let’s all be clear about that.

A Cornicello to keep the lady happy, if she's, y'know, an elf

The Golden Horn

Firstly, you’re a lesbian. Congratulations! Along with an alternative haircut and an opinion about Jodie Foster, you also get to never look at a penis again. EVER. There are so many varieties of dildo out there, why limit yourself to something veiny? Go for gold, maybe even literally. You deserve it.

Another good thing about not picking a dick shaped dick is, well, the shape. This is your party, what do you want out of it? If you aren’t sure, ask your girlfriend, because between the two of you, you’ll be able to eliminate at least some of the shapes there are out there. If it’s your very first time, I would recommend getting something in a vague s- curl shape, because it’s a good yardstick.

Jam or No Jam?

The way it curves is slight enough to not be a problem if it turns out you just want something straight, and severe enough to do the job if a C- shape is actually your jam. There’s no point in going for something scary your first time if you aren’t sure about it, because these things are an expense. Get something you can call Old Reliable rather than what will become a scary looking paperweight.

A Ridge Too Far – Ouch!

Of course, then there are ridges to think about. Are you looking for a smooth ride? Well, that depends on how girthy your new best friend is gonna be. There’s no shame in being a size queen, if you want to really maximise your potential then I say go for it. Lube well, and god speed, but don’t get something ridged. Are you fucking crazy? You will have the best time ever the first time; you will probably adore it, but then no more sex that night. Maybe even that week, because you will wreck yourself. Overstimulation is a dangerous thing. But if you are getting something of reasonable width, and you feel like a little extra bump in the night sounds pretty great, then by all means, get your own personal Dalek. Just don’t exterminate yourself.

Three times was NOT charm.......Image from Caringmedical.com

Another important thing to remember about dildos is that the internet is full of them. If you can think of it, they have made a dick of it. Did you know you can get a dildo that is pale, glittery in the light and that stays cold for hours? Did you know there is a huge market for that thing? Weep. On a more disturbing note, there are a lot of websites who are solely devoted to selling dildos that are shaped like dragon cocks. No, you did not read that wrong.

Is Bigger Better? The Debate Drags-on

There is an even bigger market in that, and yes I do mean size. When you are measuring your sex toys in hands, you have a problem. The point I am making here is that when shopping online, you are going to get Distracted. You are going to be so tempted to buy something ridiculous to scare your mates with. Do not give in to these urges. You are also going to be incredibly overwhelmed, do not give in to that either. Somewhere between dragon-fetish and heterosexuality, there is a dildo for you. Save up for it.

What are you thinking about? Image from abstract.desktopnexus.com

Where to buy? Well, in Ireland, your choices are slim. There is a shop on Capel Street, just down from Panti Bar in Dublin, that is apparently just for women, and I have heard some good things through the grapevine about the stuff they have for sale, but I really wouldn’t bother going to anywhere else. You can also have a look on Secrets Ireland, the only online Irish store. There is a severe lack of non-realistic sex toys in this country, petition your TD about it.

Alternatively, you can do the sensible thing and visit Sh-womenstore in the UK, where they have really helpful reviews, size guides, and every toy comes with a little bullet vibrator, so the choice is literally in our hands. Have I mentioned that I love that website?