Ladies and gentlequeers, we present to you the first of a sexy business series on Gaelick by the fantabulous Sinéad Dolan:

Alright, there is pretty much no reason that a person reading this article will not have had a lecture about safe sex before in their lives.

We all remember those glorious days of being 14 and having your incredibly awkward geography teacher stumble over saying the word “erection”, and everyone leaving that room with the vague knowledge that at some point, most of you would accidentally make a baby.

So far, so good.

And then in college, there’s a whole week dedicated to how to put a condom on, and that’s great, and useful, and really important if you have a dick and like peeing without a burning sensation. But something is missing.

Guys, do you know how to have safe lesbian sex?

I bet you do not.

Having the lesbian sex

And it’s no wonder!

The idea of having safe lesbian sex is kind of like the idea of owning a Unicorn. It would be great, but why break a Unicorn’s spirit like that?

Herpes is why. (Alright, maybe herpes is not a reason to break a Unicorn’s spirit, but it is Serious Business).

Have you ever seen a picture of a vagina with herpes? Let me tell you dudes, it is enough to turn you off going down on girls for, like, at least an hour. But at the end of that time, you should be thinking, “But how can I continue my rad habit of boning lots of awesome hot chicks and not end up with a vagina that legitimately looks like it has melted?”

Don’t worry you guys, I got your back.

Not pictured: Genital Herpes. You are so welcome

How to (hopefully) not get the herpes: Dental dams

Dental dams are the least widely available safe sex aids in the country, so I am going to assume that you have never seen one before.

They are available most places where LGBT people go to for meetings or support, but if you don’t live in a city, you have to buy them online or stock up at the weekend. (I have no idea how much sex you are having with other ladies in rural Ireland, but for the purposes of this article, Imma assume you have serious game. Teach me your ways, you imaginary stud muffin!)

A dental dam is essentially a really thin piece of latex (or whatever it is that latex-free condoms are made of, if you are allergic), that’s about the size of some A4 paper.

It’s really stretchy, usually comes in a variety of colours and is flavoured. Alright, I’ll be honest and say “theoretically flavoured”. Like, every time I have ever opened one I have gotten a really strong smell of banana or mint or whatever, but when you lick one, it just tastes like condom.

Which is great, because that means when you are done having sex your junk won’t smell like a grape.

In Ye Olden Times, lesbians had to use real dental dams which are thick and would be kind of like having sex through a mattress protector, but you’re in luck!

Along with advances in medicine and roads and other boring stuff, Science has provided you with a dental dam that is much thinner, allowing for much more sensitivity and much less, “Am I even close? Left or right? I think I found your belly button”.

Never forget to say thank you to science.

Another thing you can do is make a dental dam out of a condom. (I recommend the thinnest kind of condom you can find, nobody is gonna get pregnant here, it’s OK). All you have to do is open it, cut the tip off, and cut down one side. Hey presto, you have made a dental dam/condom flag!

Getting your dental dam on: A brief how-to

So how do you use it? Well, start off by getting all lubed up.

(A side note: if you are using Durex as your lube of choice, stop it immediately! Don’t let straight people’s terrible choice of market leader stop you from having a good time! Durex lubes are thick and not at all what you want. Try Pasante, or just experiment around. You can buy sample packs from Sh! Have I ever told you about how much I love that website? Well I do.)

Anyway… apply lube to the funnest area of the person you are gonna be sexing. (The funnest area is the area you are about to be sexing.) Then, all you gotta do is hold the dental dam over it. An easy way to do that is if you make the bottom in this situation hold dam above their genitals, and you hold it below.

Now all you gotta do is lick through it, and you are on your way to having some good, clean, tongue-based sexy orgasm times.

And really, isn’t that what being a lesbian is all about?