Penile dementia
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From another of the Gaelick contributors extraordinaire, here’s Kris!
One of my close gay male friends recently asked me if, in all honesty, lesbian sex is just a form of “heterosexual foreplay”.
Needless to say I was shocked and angered by his irritatingly serene declaration. So much so that I left my Charlie’s 3-in-1 untouched for the remainder of our discussion (an altogether uncharacteristic action.)
During this heated exchange, wherein I defended the honour of Lesbian Sex, I asked him if he also viewed sex between two males as a form of “heterosexual foreplay”. His answer and I quote was:
Well, no. We have a penis… It’s different, isn’t it?
I know, I know. I, too, can feel my blood pressure sky rocketing once again as I recount our conversation.
Now, I should add that the following day he did apologise, claiming that his statement had been made in a half tongue-in-cheek manner. However, unsure as to whether this was merely an effort on his behalf to placate this angry dyke, I decided to conduct some further research into people’s opinions around lesbian sex.
You can do that?!??!
Needless to say, I was shocked to learn that my friend was not in a minority in his “tongue-in-cheek” view when it came to the opinions of other gay and straight guys; while many straight girl friends that I asked indirectly gave off the impression that they too shared the opinion that it’s all a form of “heterosexual foreplay”.
“I mean… What do you do?” One girl asked innocently, clearly struggling to comprehend the absence of a penis, while another responded, “Straddle what?” when the topic of sexual positions came up.
I mean, what do people think that we lesbians get up to? A game of Twister in the nip?
Ride Sally, Ride!
As many of us are well aware, lesbian sex is HAWT, 100% REAL and in no way a lite form of “heterosexual foreplay” (or heterosexual sex for that matter). So why do many people not take lesbian sex seriously?
Is it simply because they have never experienced it and are therefore ignorant as to what it is that we actually do (and how great it can be)? Does the media, and pornography in particular, have a role to play in the creation of this viewpoint, considering that in the main it projects an image of sex in which a male is always present?
Or (and this may be a hard pill for us to err… swallow) could their dismissive attitude towards lesbian sex be fuelled by our own language and actions?
Fancy a ride?
For example, are us lesbians really helping our case in regard to some people wrongly viewing lesbian sex as a form of “heterosexual foreplay”, when we purchase strap-ons that literally resemble male genitalia in all it’s, eh… glory?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for experimenting with the various forms of sex toys that are available on the market and in turn spicing things up in the bedroom. However, when two lesbians order a pretty much prosthetic-penis online, isn’t this not only feeding into people’s notions that lesbian sex on its own (without the introduction of some added paraphernalia) is merely a form of semi-gratifying foreplay? While also indicating that lesbians feel the NEED to visibly have a “penis” present, albeit an artificial one, in order to transition the lesbian sex experience from mere foreplay to full-on sex?
Tongue-tied
Recently on a night out, I was surprised to hear a friend of mine use the word “head” when talking about the best techniques to use when giving oral sex to another girl (a very informative conversation for a whole other article!).
Is it just me or isn’t this word “head” usually used when talking about oral sex being given on a male? Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m far from being a prude but doesn’t this word sound plain rotten (especially when a girl uses it)?
As the night continued, I happened to hear another girl in the beer garden bragging about “riding” a girl the weekend before – another word that I have only ever heard a male utter, while another went as far as to refer to a free Dental Dam that she had picked up in Outhouse as her “Johnny”.
While it should be said that only a minority of lesbians can be overheard speaking in this manner on a Saturday night out, isn’t it fair to say that the use by a small number of lesbians of language that is synonymous with heterosexual acts when referring to lesbian sex, just once again feeding into some peoples notions that lesbian sex is literally just a form of “heterosexual foreplay”?
After all aren’t we subconsciously revealing our insecurity around the absence of a penis by speaking about our sexual acts as if that body part were involved?
Food for thought methinks…
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lol@how this is turning...
It definitely gives me feminist anger when I hear people asking things like that, it’s clearly implying that the people asking it think sex is only valid with a penis, sex is only valid if there’s a man involved, women are incapable of having sex without a man. So it’s basically invalidating female sexuality entirely. I mean, its the same thing as telling a gay man they’re not having actual sex if there’s not a vagina involved, but nobody ever really says that, do they?
As to use of dildos validating the implication, I don’t think thats true. I read a quote once that said something like “My dildo isn’t shaped like a penis, it’s shaped like my vagina.” So, yes there are a lot of dildos that are styled to look like a penis, but they don’t need to be in order to do the job, and there are plenty out there that have nothing in common with a penis other than the general shape.
I mostly feel like this is a problem with attitudes towards women’s sexuality, not insecure lesbians.
This post strays into TMI and NSFW – you have been warned!
Firstly, I think a lot of the co-opting language from heterosexuals is to do with lack of sex education for LGBTers. I mean, how many people got told about dental dams, putting condoms on sex toys or STDs from oral sex on a woman in school? I certainly didn’t get queer sex education, I barely got sex education!
So I think that’s a crucial point. Sex education in general in this country sucks. We’re discouraged from finding out about how to ‘do it’ apart from missionary and if you don’t talk about it … how do you find out? If you google it you’ll get porn and of course thats EXACTLY TRUE TO LIFE *vomits sarcasm on self*. But seriously. I recall being asked, plain faced and innocently, by a lesbian friend of mine what a ‘butt plug’ is and why would you want to use one. So it’s not just straight people, we can all be a bit ill-informed about sex and it’s difficult to find out more.. which is why I think in our ignorance we get drunk and ask the questions we’ve always wanted to ask when sober. Unfortunately this leads to some stupid questions too.
To be honest, when it comes to the bedroom, use what turns you on. Buy the realistic dick if it makes you happy. Maybe it makes people feel like they’re queering up hetero sex. We’ve got enough catholic guilt to start worrying about before we add ‘letting down the queer team’ too.
Also, if you’re arguing that using a realistic dildo in the bedroom is playing into a heterosexual norm then heaven forbid what they’d perceive if you’re a lesbian with a trans woman who likes her original set up downstairs. Equating sexuality too much with genitals ends up leading, inadvertently to conversations that alienate trans* experiences.
But honestly and frankly.. I think the some peoples obsession with dildos are: They feel good. Simply put, they can’t come without one and anything else won’t do. I’ve met people like that. They know they’re bodies, know what they like and why should they change just cus they fit a stereotype for some straight people? Feck em. I don’t care what other people think about my sex life, I know it’s just great!
*In the interest of full disclosure – Eebs is an able bodied, white, feminist, bisexual, trans* man – not a lesbian sadly.
Jules and Eebs: I am taking both your comments and making A FUCKING MANIFESTO!
Literally.
“A Fucking Manifesto.”
But seriously, you’ve both put it perfectly, couldn’t agree with yas more.
On a side note, I kind of almost feel sad from some straight guys and women: I mean, what if all they think of sex is in-out-done? I mean, what if they live their whole lives thinking that? Having really awful sex? Oh god, it’s just too depressing!
I think you raise a very good point about how our own language feeds into the generally dismissive view of our sex lives as being somehow inferior, or non existant, but I don’t think it’s the language you mentioned.
Using heteronormative language to phrase what we do to each other gives a heteronormative validity to it, I think. Now, I am not saying that that is a good or even necessary thing [I would personally argue that the raddest thing about being Queer As Fuck is that we don't need to prove ourselves to anyone], but if you want people to believe that the sex you have is real, then using their words to describe it is only going to help that.
I think the main issue we have is in that question- ‘what do lesbians actually DO?’ That’s a valid question, and it’s one we never give a straight answer to. We fuck, that’s what we do. We do it with our tongues, hands, silicon, whatever- we fuck each other. It’s not inferior, it’s not what straight people do, but it’s fucking, and we need to talk about that more often, instead of always being on the defensive.
SAYING THAT- I think heterosexual sex sounds super boring and weird, so I guess I can’t blame straight people for feeling that way about mine. It’s all relative.
Congratulations on this article… really entertaining and yet makes a good point..
Having lived all of my adult life as a heterosexual and only in the last while accepted I am not..this article was really interesting. I have never had sex with a woman so can’t comment on the wow aspect of it all but I have wondered at the language used in some shows such as “riding” etc. It strikes me (from the outside looking in” that if I were lucky enough to experience sex that was about senses, touch, eroticism, connection rather than “in out and shake it all about” I would want to use or invent my own terminology.
Sadly we see that minority groups all over the world once they achieve a certain recognition of their existence tend to dilute their experience by taking on the culture of those who once oppressed them… look no further than feminism…did we really burn our bra’s so that girls can get passed around fellas at a disco, or a teenage girl thinks its her duty to give blow jobs to whoever asks..
I have left it too late to rejoice in my lesbianism but for ye guys “go forth and enjoy”
Nora
It’s not too surprising to me to learn that someone wouldn’t consider lesbian sex “real sex.” Mostly, for those who aren’t educated on such thing, sex involves some sort of penetration– conveniently they forget that there are tools, alternate methods, and creative ways to do that. I mean– it’s hard enough to get some people to say sex between anyone but a man and a woman is “real sex,” or to determine if oral sex is “real sex.”
I think it’s super important to take into account that people have different background and levels of sexual education. No matter how personally you may feel about an issue you need to step back from your immediate gut reaction and try to educate the person on what sex can be.
…
Yay for boobs!