Bi visibility
Tags: From righteous new writer, Aoife
Sunday, the 23rd of September was bi visibility day. Did you know? I found out a couple of days beforehand, promptly forgot all about it. Anyway, I spent most of the day on the sofa in a self-indulgent mound of Lemsip and tissues, only getting up to change the Game of Thrones DVD and put the kettle on. Even writing a tweet was beyond my manflu-addled brain.
Bye bi perfection
Bi visibility is always an odd one. We’re constantly on about being erased, and we’re hyper-critical of anyone who is openly bi. We expect perfect behaviour from our role models. Can’t be too stereotypical. Can’t be seen to be sleeping around too much. If they dare be in a monogamous, long-term relationship, they lose either way. Either they’re taking the easy way out from within nice safe het boundaries, or they’re letting the gay side down.
Remember when Cynthia Nixon dared to say that she’d chosen a same-sex relationship although she was quite partial to men? You’d think she’d said that she was partial to a spot of puppy-torturing over a cup of tea. Which is nothing in comparison to when a bi person goes and marries someone of the opposite sex. Puppy-torturing isn’t the half of it. And god forbid an openly bi person be single and sleeping around, and doing so in a way that isn’t a hundred percent ethical and keeping everybody absolutely happy at all times. Wanton hussies, letting the side down. Who’d want to share a category with someone like that?
Image from sodahead.com
Being me
So when it comes to visibility, it’s always a bit in bits. I’ve even had partners – straight and gay alike – wonder why on earth it’s such a big deal to me, and isn’t it fine for everyone to think we’re just a regular straight/lesbian couple? Sure, what’s wrong with being straight or being gay?
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with either of those things. Straight people and gay people are great. Sure aren’t my own parents straight, and some of my very best friends are gay. Even Herself is a bit of an unrepentant gaywad*, and sure amn’t I mad about her?
They’re just not me. And there’s something about people constantly assuming that you’re a perfectly lovely thing that isn’t you that grates a bit. Especially when the ideas of what you are can sometimes be a bit on the dodgy side.
I’ve always found coming out as bi to be a minefield. I’m as guilty as anyone else of letting people assume that I’m just one way or the other, depending on what pronouns I’m using for whoever I’m seeing at the time**. It’s just so much easier. You don’t have to explain things. And y’know, there really does come a time in a person’s life when she just wants to get on with it. When you’re just so damn over it, when you have better things to do than justify who you are yet again.
But visibility is important. Visibility is the only way to make us as ordinary as we are. So for bi visibility day, I sat on the couch with a friend as we both sniffled our way through a packet of Kleenex, kept Lemsip in business, wrapped our duvets around us and watched half a season of Game of Thrones. What could be more ordinary than that?
* and that is a glorious, glorious thing. Me, I’m just an unrepentant queermo.
** Don’t get me started on poly complications. I’m still a bit delicate from the man-flu and I’m almost out of Lemsip.
![Trans* Education and Advocacy [TEA]](http://www.gaelick.com/wp-content/themes/gaelick/images/mpu/transMPU.jpg)
Loading ...
lol@how this is turning...
Well….I *identify* as lesbian if people *must* insist on labeling me. I hate labels.
However….I believe everyone is naturally bisexual. Whether or not they want to admit it.
It’s easier to “identify” as lesbian as there are no further questions. Imho. Need more caffeine to expand on this.
That’s an interesting point Niamh, I’d say that bisexuality is it’s own, seperate identity though, and maybe qualify that with ‘but everyone is somewhere on the Kinsey scale’ (and for the record, I’m not a lesbian, I’m Queer as hell).
Really well argued article, bisexuals in our community have a pretty terrible time, and they get it from both sides. O’ve seen people refuse to be with a girl because she was bi, and that was a ‘dealbreaker’- Fuck That Noise. It’s about time our community did something to support it’s bisexual members, instead of just labelling them based on whichever genitals they are currently boning.
Great piece.
For me, as a bisexual woman, the matter of bi visibility regardless of current relationships interacts with feminism. Historically, women’s identities have been, to a significant extent, defined in terms of their partners/relationships. I’m not content to be another iteration of this.
[...] written late than never, my post for Bi Visibility Day is up on Gaelick. Check it out! 0.000000 0.000000 Sharing is love:MoreLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. [...]
What a great piece. This writer is clearly an awesome person
I think it’s easy for bi issues to fall through the cracks sometimes and we forget what a minefield it can be.
I find it incredibly irritating that often bisexual people are labeled by their current partner’s gender, regardless of being out as bisexual. It’s like people assume I’m going through “phases” all the time. I’ve heard people say of bi people “Well, she was dating a woman, but she’s straight now” and other bullshit. Don’t even get me started on the whole “Xena, lesbian warrior princess” crap. Argh. I came out to a couple of people on Bi Visibility Day, and was greeted with big shrugs of “well, I’m still setting you up with guys.” Meh.
Wait.. I think someone just made my day.. Xena is bisexual?!!
I think because lots of gay people have first come out as ‘bi’ because they feel this is more easily accepted, (and then eventually come out as gay), that this why some people dont see bisexual people as even existing in a true sense. They think that they are either really ‘straight’ or ‘gay’ which is obviously untrue. Ill admit i would be less inclined to be with a bi girl than a gay girl, and at the risk of getting my head bitten off im just being honest and not the only lesbian who would feel slightly threatened/uneasy about getting with a bisexual girl. Now thats not to say that if i met a girl who was bi that i really liked and clicked with that I wouldnt have a relationship with her, I know I would but it would be something new and i dont think im the only person who is either straight or gay who finds it hard to wrap their head around bisexuality, but thats just because Im not bi myself. Im aware that its really an insecurity on my behalf that would make me hesitate when a girl tells me shes ‘bi’.
Great Article. what do you call a woman who has lived most of her life in a heterosexual relationship, kids marriage the whole lot… denied and suppressed any other feelings she had. Now in her late 30′s has the complete reverse of feelings and who has never had a relationship with a woman.? Apart from the obvious titles of sad and confused what the hell do i call myself. I am not “out” so cant call myself lesbian, i really dont feel bisexual describes it either and I am definitely not a sexual tourist… any ideas?
Hey Nora, heres my two cents…i wouldnt let the fact that you arent out and havent had a relationship with a woman stop you from identifying as a lesbian if you feel you are one. Before I ever had a relationship or even held another girls hand I identified as a lesbian. Now thats not to say that I went around fully confident about my sexual orientation for years I didnt. But when I finally accepted myself and realised that i was only sexually attracted to women, I regarded myself as a lesbian, even though I hadnt yet kissed a girl or even met another lesbian! I wouldnt view you as ‘sad’ or anything else with such a negative connotation. Life happened for you differently and your circumstances were different. Maybe you didnt have the same support as other people who identify as LGBT had. Youre still young. Some people dont even realise who they are or may be until there say in their 50s or 60s. And even then its not too late. I think its great how honest you are with your comments, it can only help others.
Hey there, the Aoife-what-wrote-the-post here! *waves*
Nora, I think you can call yourself anything you like. Having been in the closet for a long time, or having suppressed your feelings even to yourself, doesn’t mean you can’t call yourself a lesbian. Words like bi or lesbian or queer or gay are things that can be claimed by anyone who feels they fit their own feelings. Just because you’re not out (yet!) doesn’t mean you can’t feel like a lesbian and say those words to yourself.
Also, I’m sorry to hear you’re in such a difficult position. It can’t be easy coming out- even to yourself- in that situation. But I do know that many many people have been in your shoes, and there are people out there who’ll understand what you’re going through now. You don’t have to work all of this out alone! If you don’t feel ready to go to anything in ‘real life’, the Lesbian Line are brilliant. Good luck & take care of yourself!
And Kris, I ain’t going to bite your head off. I do think that the way you feel is really common- I’ve come up against it before a number of times, and it honestly does make me feel very sad that a lot of lesbians feel that way about people like me. I think it’s a thing that’s way too big to get into in comments, though- maybe we could work on a blog post or three?
Thank you both… that really makes me feel much better. I had wanted to “identify” as lesbian it feels right but thought it was ridiculous given my lack of history with women and my heterosexual life up to now. Even posting on this site makes me feel simultaneously good to have an outlet and also nervous as I am not part of the gay community “yet”. I sometimes worry if i have any business being on here at all, and then you guys give me such kind words it kinda make me feel like it makes sense.. I make sense Thank you.
Hey Aoife
yeah sounds good. I just started in college and im a bit overwhelmed with the material at the minute but in the next few weeks when I get a bit more organised for sure. I know the whole bi fear that some lesbians have is ridic logically, maybe it just stems from some girls experiences in the teenage years of seeing the straight girl theyve a serious crush on hooking up with lads…so its like a fear of a girl picking a lad over them again…haha or maybe thats just me!! 
email me through our gaelick email im on the list under kristine in the next while and we can throw some ideas around for a blog or future articles. Maybe we could do one like the lesbians view of the whole thing and then the bisexual girls view!
No worries Nora, we are just being honest. And you have every right to be posting here so dont ever feel that way!
Nora,
You know, I think there’s one thing to remember. We’ve all been there. Not in the same way, of course. But no matter how out and proud and bolshy a lot of us are now, the majority of us have had times when we had to struggle with coming out. Some of us were lucky and got through it young. More people than you’d think, not so lucky and not so young. But that complicated minefield of self-discovery is something we all know well.
Hello! I’m coming in on this conversation a bit late I know, but I think both the article and the comments are really interesting! I’m “Bi” but would certainly never have put it that way, queer sits much better with me. I waited til I was 25 to come out, and when I did I came out as lesbian. Ridiculously (at least so it seems to me) I then went and fell for a guy a year later, leading everyone to think that it was some mad publicity stunt coming out. Admittedly it took me months to be comfortable with being seen with a guy cos I didn’t want people to think I was straight (which I’m not). Luckily I look fairly “stereotypically lesbian” (short hair, mens clothes, tattoos etc), and I’ve finally come to realise that I am in fact bisexual. Probably came about it differently than most. The hardest thing I find is the exclusion from the gay community, particularly in bars, when I’m with a guy as opposed to a girl. I also completely understand the hostility, as I didn’t much like seeing “hetero” couples in the gay bars, but now I’m afraid of that hostility. Having felt it on both sides (and I find it particularly hard now being with a guy and trying to retain my queer identity because of people’s assumptions when they see us together), I find it really important to let people know that I like both men and women from the first when I meet them. Keeps things simple(ish)
And like I said, fantastic article!