Do you guys wanna hear something that makes me sad? Sadder than when you think there’s a packet of crisps left in a six pack, but it turns out that someone just took the last one and didn’t throw the wrapper away? Well, if you don’t, look away now, because I’m going to tell you anyway – dudes, I cannot remember the last time I saw a straight people fingerbanging scene in a movie. And I think it’s a crying shame.
I mean, Don Draper did it in season 2 of Mad Men, and that was rad, but has James Bond ever dropped the paw? When was the last time you saw Johnny Depp get caught in a wristbreaker in the front seat of a car (when you were awake, I mean)? Does this just not happen to straight people? I am honestly curious, because – as you may have guessed – today we are gonna talk about fingerbanging, and the general radness of this activity. It may be ignored by mainstream heterosexual media, but so is Tilda Swinton, and that doesn’t make her any less awesome/ inappropriate on the bus.
Chances are, if you are having sex with girls, you’re fingerbanging a lot, so you know what I’m talking about when I say that fingerbanging is pretty much the greatest use of your hands since the invention of calligraphy pens. Congratulations! BUT, are you doing it safely? I bet you’re not.
Safe fingerbanging is super easy you guys, you just gotta put on your latex gloves, and lube those bad boys up. I know, I know, the idea of putting on doctor gloves during sex sounds weird and awkward, but that is because you are concentrating on the word ‘glove’ and not the word ‘doctor’. There aren’t many methods of safe sex that come with a built in role-play situation, that’s gotta be some kind of sign, right?
I mean yes, fingerbanging is a low risk sexual activity, but low risk doesn’t mean no risk. HPV is way less craic than putting gloves on, and it’s much harder to turn ‘It itches’ into a sexy role-play situation. Wrap it up, is what I’m saying.
Fingerbanging is a thing that is kind of instinctual, I think. I know the first time you build yourself up to dropping the paw, it’s kind of scary and intimidating, and there’s an element of “Oh shit I have no idea what I am doing”, about the whole thing, but trust me – you’re not gonna fuck it up. As long as you and your partner in crime talk to each other, everything is gonna be OK. Better than OK, because you’ll be giving her an orgasm – pretty sweet, right?
The most important thing about fingerbanging is communication, just like the most important thing about literally any sexual thing you will ever do with another person is communication. Only by talking to each other- or actually grabbing their hand and showing them – will you ever manage perfect sex. If they are in the wrong place, if they are going too fast, if they need to be using more fingers – this is information you should be passing on. Nobody in the history of the world has ever been told exactly what to do to their girlfriends vagina and not benefited from that knowledge.
Secondly, a fun thing to do if you are having ladysex is take it slow. Don’t just shove your hand right into her jeans like there’s a free iPad in there, take your time. Do above the waist hand exploration. Make out loads.
The longer you can extend the above-the-clothes part, the happier everyone is gonna be when you finally get down to business. Waiting until your lady is totally turned on before touching her will not only make everything a lot easier to do, it’ll also drive her crazy. Perfect Days, right?
Stroke of genius
Also, don’t think that the phrase ‘to fingerbang’ needs to be taken literally – it really doesn’t. An advantage your fingers have over any phallus is that you can use more than one of them at a time, and they flex. Take advantage of that, rather than jackhammering. Unless your ladyfriend is into jackhammering, of course, in which case make sure and ice your shoulder.
As I have said before, vaginas are like snowflakes – no two are gonna be exactly alike. One lady might hate to be penetrated, another will want your whole fist inside her as soon as possible – what I am saying here is that there is no foolproof formula for exactly what you should be doing with your digits. But hey, practice makes perfect, amiright?
I am totally right.