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Period Dramas

 

A really cool and impressive thing that most ladies can do is grow a baby. As skills go, this is in my opinion at least as impressive as riding a skateboard through a flaming hoop backwards, or not cocking up the first pancake. But much like the many burned up skateboards and gloopy, deformed batter shapes, you have to go through to be a badass in those situations, there is a price to pay for creating awesome new people in your womb, and that price is your period. Soz babes.

Having sex on your period is a thing that nobody really talks about, and I think that’s a shame, really. I mean, most people reading this have had a period at some point, or at least have had a partner who has them, it’s not like we are talking about a rare and magical phenomenon here. It happens literally every month, at some stage pretending that nobody is having sex for that week is a little hard to believe. Two weeks if you haven’t synced yet. Especially if your girlfriend is a babe, amiright?

 

I'll have what she's having

 

7 More Days

Now, obviously, not everyone is onto period sex, and that is totally fine! Some ladies just don’t feel really sexy while doubled over with cramps, and you have to respect that. It’s like all kinds of sex, it’s not for everybody. But if you are down with going down on someone who is bleeding vaginally, then don’t let society tell you that that is a gross idea. Nothing that happens between two or more consenting adults in order to achieve an orgasm is gross, especially if you change the sheets after.

There are known benefits to having sex while menstruating, too, such as it is an excellent cure for cramps. Nothing will ever earn you brownie points more than curing your girlfriend’s pain by riding her. You get full ‘sunglasses inside for a week’ privileges for sure. But as well as that, period sex results in very intense orgasms, like crazy intense, so you may even get to wear those sunglasses for two weeks. And speaking of weeks, did I mention you are getting an EXTRA WEEK OF SEX by allowing this to happen? A whole week! Think of all the things you could get done in a week, then stop thinking about it because that list is never getting done because you could be having sex instead. Aces!

 

Look, I'm glowing!

 

Alright, so why aren’t more people doing it? Well, frankly, it’s messy. Let’s not beat around the bush here, if you are boning your girlfriend while she is on her period, you are going to be caught red handed. You can combat this problem by doing it in the shower, but then you have to deal with awkward-shower-balance issues. Sometimes it’s hard to support somebodies weight and fingerbang and not slip and also not accidentally drown at the same time. Not all women are that good at multitasking. My advice would be to put a dark coloured towel down or something. It might not be the most romantic scene you will ever set for yourself, but it will do the job, is machine washable, and remember, it adds a whole week of sex into your life every month.

 

Thanks God!

Of course, you don’t even really have to deal with the mess if you don’t want to – you don’t need to penetrate someone to have sex with them, like. If your partner is using tampons or a mooncup or something, there is nothing from stopping you from going down on her mess free. Designing ladies so that the clitoris was on the outside is kind of proof that god wants you to be having sex every week – say thank you to your god, everybody.

Now, is it safe? Hell no! By which I mean that, while on your period, you are probably at an increased risk of contracting HIV or at least at the same risk as you are every other time of the month, as well as the usual STIs we know and love [not getting]. Combat this by having safe sex, use a dental dam, wear your latex gloves, put a condom on your dildos, it’ll make them last longer.

 

Thanks God!

 

Period sex is a great thing between two people who love or have at least grown comfortable with each other to do, but it can be awkward if you’ve just met somebody. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, I’m just saying make sure you are both on the same page before you rip your tampon out and fling it across the room with gay abandon. Also even if you decide do that anyway, try and remember where it landed because I bet that won’t be as spontaneous and fun once you start looking for it the next morning.

Also, Get a good mattress protector or do it somewhere else, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Mattresses are expensive to clean, and mattress stains make everyone think someone died in your bed. Good luck explaining that one to your landlord.

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3 Comments

  • Dolan you make me DIE of puns. I need to start putting my cuppa down somewhere very, very far away before clicking on an article with your name on it :)

    Aoife said:
  • Awh your gas :) and great article.

    Kris said:
  • Good Jesus, I almost wet myself laughing.

    Jean said:
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