The Short and Curlies
Body hair, in particular female body hair, has long since been a thorny issue. Like most irritating and pointless things masquerading as feminist discourse, we can trace the roots of this argument back to Sex and the City. So many contradicting opinions on it, so much bikini waxing, and one particularly rude pointing out a friend’s pubes later and we modern girls are free to do whatever we want with our lady gardens. You know, unless we want to like, grow them or something. But putting aside the politics of self-grooming, we do have an unbelievable amount of different ways to skin the cat, so to speak. Here is a helpful guide of some of the pros and cons to some of the more common types of pubic arrangement. *
The Hollywood, or Full Bikini Wax
Pros: This is total hair removal, front and back and all sides. You will have seen this look in pornography a lot (fun fact: this didn’t start out as being a sexy thing, but rather so that camera people could get better penetration shots).
Cons: You will also have seen this look on children. While some people might find it sexier to be hair free, it is surprisingly less hygienic and more likely to lead to bad smelling bits. The more you know.
Pros: This is the most famous/infamous of all the vagina styles. Kind of like the Rachael haircut of the 90’s, everybody has one, or says they do. I am skeptical that any girl is going through painful waxes electively when they know they aren’t getting any. It’s easy to ask for, everyone knows what you are talking about when you say it. It’s like having an iPhone in your pants. Very fashionable.
Cons: If done incorrectly or possibly depending on the person, this can sometimes look like you have a Hitler moustache on your Eva Braun. Also for many hipsters, the Brazilian is seen as too ‘mainstream’. They opt instead for the Venezuelan, which we probably haven’t even heard of yet.
Pros: It is like a Brazilian, but with a longer, em, landing strip. It eliminates the threat of possible Hitler likenesses. Can also be thicker than a Brazilian.
Cons: The Californian creates the illusion of a super long lady area. Seriously, it’s like a Joker smile for your Batcave. The thicker options make your bits look like they have just appeared on Crime Watch. The person who decided this was a good idea was clearly on a deadline and wanted to get home in time for X Factor.
The Heartogram (or the Arts and Crafts round)
Pros: I’m putting all creative shaping of the grown up hair into one category for ease of classification. Some other common shapes include a lightening bolt, and arrow pointing down or maybe an initial. All of these are fun things to do on those long winter evenings when you have let your garden flourish and wish to trim down, like every man who has shaved off a beard and experimented with a goatee in the mirror. It also adds an extra level of amusement to the wriggly pile of hilarity that is sex.
Cons: If you do it badly or have lighter coloured pubes, it does make you look like you have mange.
Au Naturalle or Map of Tasmania
Pros: It’s certainly the easiest arrangement as far as maintenance is concerned. As long as things are kept at a reasonable length there are no problems (by reasonable length I mean it is preferable that our sexual partners don’t cough up a hairball on their way back from Chinatown). There is also the added bonus of your crotch looking like that of an adult human. Huzzah!
Cons: Unfortunately due to the porn industry and sexism in general, people may judge you for letting your hair down in this respect. Many men and women expect a level of pubic grooming these days, far better or for worse. For what its worth, in my opinion any guy or girl who is passing comment on your downstairs is probably the biggest asshat to ever roam the earth, and should be treated as such.
Merkins, Vajazzles etc.
Pros: While those words immediately set off alarm bells in our heads, they aren’t all as bad as you’d think. A Google image search of ‘merkin’ (safe search off, obviously) will bring back hundreds of really interesting results from burlesque dancers and fetish shops. Think Venetian masks for your cunt.
Cons: If you are wearing a merkin you should be prepared for the fact that it will not be easily concealed under your clothes. That sexy strip tease might not seem like such a great idea when you are trying to hide half a flamingo in your tights. As far as vajazzles are concerned, if you are letting someone use a hot glue gun near your crotch to decorate your gee like a my little pony, then you are beyond my help.
You know, its fun to talk about this kind of thing and we can all laugh, but the fact of the matter is that waxing is becoming a serious problem. In America last summer, a salon ran a campaign offering 50% off bikini waxes to girls under 15. There is link to some of the coverage here.
This means kids as young as 12 are being told that their brand new hair is wrong and disgusting and they need to remove it. I don’t know about you but that seems terribly disturbing to me. I mean, I remember being that age, and if someone had told me that one of the new changes in my body was wrong in some way, I would have freaked. I think our generation really needs to start reversing this attitude. Everyone lets make a pact right now ok? Let us all decide to not be ashamed of the things our body does naturally, and embrace the great dense textures of life, ok? Let’s all be honest about our shaving mishaps and that time that we conditioned them and it felt awesome. No more pube shame ladies, because let’s be honest, the stubble is bad enough without having to feel guilty about it.
*This list is not exhaustive; I have simply chosen the ones that I think most people will have heard of.