Bound

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpTF_zr7rNA

Lip Service

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFXbyLjuRdE

Bette & Tina in The L Word

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKVnpZWDeAk

Carmen & Shane in The L Word

www.youtube.com/watch?v=az2vgdy-XHI

But I’m a Cheerleader

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU1CHPo9s8I

I Can’t Think Straight

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lQ_TtLpOG8

Very honourable mentions go to Desert Hearts and Alice and Dana on The L Word, but I couldn’t find clips. Anyway, I’m starting to blush so I think that’s quite enough of that.

Related posts:

1. The lezolution is not being televised!
2. Why are all ads for “feminine hygiene products” awful?
3. Staying enlightened

What I mean to say is that Beals is now starring in new crime series “The Chicago Code” as head of the Chicago police force, Superintendent Teresa Colvin, out to rid the Windy City of corruption.

AfterEllen quoted the actress when she described the role at a nerdfest conference:

“For me, what was so interesting about her was not only her strength but her fragility in position,” Jennifer said. “It’s very tenuous to be a woman with that kind of responsibility and especially to have been in the police force for a short comparatively amount of time to the riders.It was interesting for me in this first season to try to play the balance between what it takes to lead 10,000 men primarily, because I think in the Chicago Police Department 25 percent women.”

“I think you have to strike that balance between what is feminine leadership, what is masculine leadership,” she continued. “How do you get 10,000 men to follow you? What does that leadership looks like, and I think we’re constantly playing with that. Is she a transformational leader? Is she more of a — I don’t know, I don’t want to say ballbuster but I’m going to say ballbuster. What kind of leader was she? What kind of leader does she have to be in order to have these men trust her and be willing to follow her.”

(See also: A quickie with Jennifer Beals and Beals brings the heat as “The Chicago Code” does a cop show right)

There’s really very little else to say – except to admire some pictures of the woman herself. You’re welcome.

And, by way of introduction, Colvin on Colvin:

• The first episode of “The Chicago Code” will broadcast on 12th May 2010 on Sky 1.

Related posts:

1. Preliminary hearing in Zappone & Gilligan appeal tomorrow!

Pants to that! Let’s distract ourselves. How? With lovely ladies of course. We’ve been chatting about the best kisses on telly and film, and have come up with this list. What do you think? By the way, these vids are most definitely not safe for work, and I had a gay old time researching.

Cutest

But I’m A Cheerleader

Show me Love

Bad Girls
No embeddie, clicky

DEBS

If These Walls Could Talk 2

Fingersmith

The Incredible True Adventure of Two Girls in Love

The L Word

Hottest

Mulholland Drive

Bound

Sorry, I can’t find a video that’ll let me embed. And boy did I look, This is a tough gig ladies. Click here for the vid

I Can’t Think Straight

Frida

The L Word

Los Hombres de Paco

Saddest

Gia

Gia kiss scene

Most Revolutionary

Desert Hearts

Brookside

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Honourable Mention

Fried Green Tomatoes
Coz this is as physical as they were allowed get on film. Three words – Read the book.

Related posts:

1. Bom Chicka
2. The lezolution is not being televised!
3. Candy Bar Girls come to the telly

When you think about it though, is it possible to “look gay”?  We all use stereotypes when we see people, I believe we all subconsciously pigeon-hole people, even if we know it’s wrong, it’s human nature.  So how can we stop ourselves?  Moreover, as lesbians we use our stereotypes to find each other, even though we know many lesbians don’t fit the rules, we still do it.  We still nod to women as they pass and smile at your friends who nod back.

It must be frustrating if you are gay and all of your fellow gays keep assuming you are straight.  We all know that sexuality is just part of who you are and that it takes all sorts.  Yet time and time again we use stereotyping to find the other gay people in our midst, or at least the ones who fit our little list of criteria.

What do you see in a woman that you assume might be gay?  Her clothes?  Her walk?  Her hair?  Surely we are more than that.

No related posts.

So, sex. Our intro question is “What’s the difference between sex with a man and sex with a woman?”. You mean you don’t know? Scarleh for ya.

Mikey – One I like and one I don’t

Whitney – Me me me me me

Jill – We have hands, we have mouths…..(men have those too love)

Nikki – We’re not one-hit-wonders, we can go and go

Tracy – Lesbian sex is then two vaginas rub together and don’t catch on fire. ROFL!

Rose – It’s more than just sticking your dick in her pussy… (sorry to ruin it for you but men do more than that, Rosie me auld flower)

So misandry and strange ideas about the male physique aside, off we head into the lives of ‘real lesbians’ in LA.

Mikey is going to Las Vegas with her assistant and intern as there is some fashion convention on. Did you know that she’s organising LA Fashion Week? No? I know! She’s hardly mentioned it, the blushing young thing.

She’s gonna miss her lady, Racquel. Not enough to remove those bloody sunglasses.

Jilliki are cutting costs for the wedding by hiring dress designers. Huh? I dunno, they mustn’t have Family Album in LA. Maybe there are so many designers out there that they do deals. No, sorry, still don’t see how they can think this will be cheap.

We see designs, they coo and ooh and ahh. It’s cute though when the designers leave and Jilliki stop trying to be cool and just jump around hugging all excited. Don’t squeeze too tight girls, you’ll snap something.

Whitney…god here we go. Shortened version:

Whitney – I stayed at Romi’s last night

Alyssa the Normal – you big selfish eejit! You’re playing with her feelings. OK anyone who wears that effing earring can’t have many feelings, but you’re playing with them bitch!

Ok, maybe I make some of that up, but that’s what she meant. Honest. What she does say is:

I wanna kill you a little bit coz I’m watching you do things that I don’t agree with.

We love you Alyssa. Whitney then blabs to the screen about herself. Shut up.

We leave selfish douche-bag to meet up with Thorn, I mean Rose, and her lady. Natalie is redoing her CV, or resume to those yanks, and of course Rose takes over. The dog is so cute.

Natalie thinks Rose is “assisting her”, bless your innocence.

Mikey and the girls are on the road to Las Vegas having fun and loads of banter when talk turns to sex. What is sex between two women? Yadda yadda. Oral sex isn’t sex? Since when? Sex is only penetration? What is this, the 17th century? Sex is what you want it to be.

Tracy the Gorgeous is with her girl, Stamie, looking at a house which Stamie will be selling in her role as realtor.  While they prepare the house, Tracy is helping with suggestions and suddenly thinks “I could do this”. Ah, Americans. If I think it, I can do it. Gotta love their naivety.

Mikey and crew arrive in LV and she drops the old La Fawk line, so they get an upgrade. You should see this room. It’s bigger than my apartment. It’s even custom-built for lesbians, complete with pool table. Nice.

Mikey’s cool exterior falls away and she’s jumping around the place like a kid. It’s cute. In a Mikey way. She’s a bit bummed though that she’s there without Raquel. So she calls her to squee and Raquel tells her that she’s worked things so that she can come to LV too. Mikey is a chuffed monkey.

She opens up a bottle of bubbles and tells the girls that she’s going to surprise Raquel by organising a wedding. Squee!

Whitless (I know, why can’t we just stick with Mikey? Don’t ever remind me that I said that) decides to take Alyssa’s advice and talk to Tor. Little does she know that Tor is a grown-up; that wonderful creature who is mature and knows herself. Tor pretty much tells Whitless that she’s a selfish cow. Hah! As Whitney tries to explain why she thinks with her hoohoo, Tor rolls her eyes. More hah! We like you Tor.

Whitney wants to be able to do what ever she wants. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and I’m not going to be that guy

As a friend, that’s fucked up. You haven’t even been a good friend.

You’re living in your own world, in Whitney’s world.

WOOHOO!!! Camera man…follow her…she’s a real person with real feelings and oh and a brain for god’s sake. But she’s bisexual so we can’t. This is about lesbians remember. If ever there was a lesson in the wrongs of discrimination.

Whitney denies living in her own world – 5 times! the more you deny, the more you confirm. Just ask St Peter. Or any member of the Catholic church.

The girls are immediately on board and call around the chapels to arrange things. Bless their hetero socks, they’re amazed when they can only find one that will partnershipify a gay couple. Find one they do and Mikey is welling up with emotion. Or getting drunk on champagne. Not sure which.

The three Las Vegas ladies are as excited as a nun in a field of cucumbers when the phone rings. it’s Raquel. She missed her flight. Mikey is broken-hearted but says nothing and is very supportive, calming down an hysterical Raquel on the phone. Awwww.

Then we get to hear how she thinks that things work out for a reason. On 9/11 Mikey was supposed to be on one of those infamous planes but missed her flight. Her samples and business stuff was on the flight so she lost everything, but not her life. So, it’s all good Raquel.

Jilliki get word from the designers. The dresses are expensive. Em..of course they are. You got designers! Sigh. They are over $6,000 per dress. I have the latest Family Album just here ladies. They are, rightly, livid about the cost. So they send a mail off to the ladies to see if they can be more realistic. I should say though, that Nikki reads this out as Jill writes it. Are they the same person? Is it symbiosis? Can only one of them think at any one time? Such lezes.

Then they get word from their wedding planner, Camila. Not a good morning in the real world, is it ladies? Camilla is asking for over $7,000. she has brought it down from $9k but they still think it’s too much. So they call to haggle. Or should I say Nikki does, as you know, one brain. Oh my god, Jill speaks! They’ll check it over and get back to her tomorrow. Are you at the edge of your seat? The word, people, is “riveting”. You don’t get telly like this everyday.

Long story short, Camilla is lovely, they feel guilty haggling, they pay the fee. Trust me, I saved you a good chunk of time there.

Mikey is in LV, going to the convention. They are all business and networking and all that jazz.

Raquel is coming and is excited about it, we think she is but it’s hard to see her under all that makeup. She calls Mikey to pretend that she missed her flight again, so that when she does arrive it’ll be a surprise. It isn’t. Mikey is not an impressed bunny. She’s stressed about La Fawk, still down about the wedding that wasn’t (although Raquel doesn’t know that this was supposed to happen) and it’s all been a bit of a roller-coaster emotionally. We think she is but it’s hard to tell under those bloody sunglasses.

Oh it’s Tracy! Hi Tracy! She’s meeting Stamie for lunch. They talk about their days; Tracy is knackered in work and wants to do something else. Stamie is doing her weekly stand-up that evening so she invited a commercial agent and a print agent to come along to meet Tracy. We’re supposed to know what those two things are, so I checked. They’re model agents. Stamie thinks that Tracy should model. No-brainer; she’s a babe, she’s tall and she’s skinny. Sorted!

Whitless has her work-out session with Miranda. We have a montage. We put the kettle on. Whit wonders if Miranda’s gay. We make the tea.

Mikey shows Raquel her cool hotel room and they play strip pool. There are some things I don’t need to see. Mikelle in the bath is one. Look, they seem like nice people in love but hey, I don’t think anyone would want to see my and my lady in the tub. Jess saying.

I’d been enjoying the lack of Rose in this episode. All good things come to an end though. She’s at home, on the phone to work. She has too much work and needs an assistant. Natalie needs a job. Uh-oh. Is that an ice-berg captain?

Natalie decides she’ll work for Rose. No!!!! Now you’ll be her bitch at home and at work. Apparently rational Natalie needs to take over the rest of her

Rational Natalie is like, what the fuck are you doing.

Amen sister woman! Then she starts to play with Rose, pointing to her ring finger and Rose gets in a huff. What are you, 12?

Stamie is doing her stand-up thing and she’s not too bad. I was ready to get embarrassed for her but she’s going down well. Good on ya, Stamie. The agents are there and they like what they see in Tracy coz they, y’know, have eyes. They tell her that they’ll work with her, and to come into their office. She’s well-chuffed.

Whitless is out with her mates. She had invited Miranda the trainer to come along and is all a-swagger when she does. It’s a gay night and Whitless has no idea what Miranda’s sexuality is. Turns out she’s bi. Whitney thinks that means “take me knickers off now, I want you”.

Sweet Jesus, it’s Romi and her amazing furry earring. Whiney and Whitney, they deserve each other. They ‘process’ while standing on front of a poster for a male night called “Rim Rub”, I notice because it’s the most interesting thing onscreen.

Whitney leaves and drives home with Tor, whose ears she chews about Romi and her incessant whining. I love Tor

I don’t wanna hear anything about it. I don’t care and I’ve no sympathy for Whitney. She made her bed, now sleep in it.

Mikey and Raquel are lying cuddled on the bed and Mikey let’s out about the wedding plans. Raquel thinks it would have been romantic and Mikey agrees saying that they should get married soon. They’re cute. Ok I admit it. Just no more bath scenes please.

No related posts.

Rose
First sexual experience – boobie in mouth, heroine undone. An enjoyable experience all round and one she wishes to repeat a lot.
First impression – Cute Latina with hypnotic freckles
Looks scarily like – Sara Ramirez

Nikki
First sexual experience  – ripped off her own top and rode her partner sideways.
First impression – Aggressive lady who looks like she’d chew through broken glass; and that’s just from the cut of her eyebrows.
Looks scarily like – Julie from the original V series.

Jill
First sexual experience – moral confusion over what had happened. Apparently sex with a woman is like sex with a man. Emm…..
First impression – Lord I hope she’s not a nurse
Looks scarily like – Abby from ER

Tracy
First Sexual experience – she was 26 and her partner took the reigns. Phwwaaar. It was hawwwwwt.
First impression – Seems odddly normal, in a dropdead gorgeous kind of way.
Looks scarily like – The Lidl version of Angie

Whitney
First sexual experience – she was 9, she licked sour cream and some US ‘candy’ thing off an 11 year old’s breasts
First impression- Looks like she could be fun
Looks scarily like – Leisha Hailey with dreads and tattoos

Mikey
First sexual experience – she was “literally eating pussy the first fucking time I had sex with a woman”. Prizes to be delivered to the address on the back of toilet door in Panti Bar.
First impression- Pain in the arse who loves the sound of her own voice
Looks scarily like – Jennifer Saunders

On to the show. I think Ilene Chaiken may be getting some money from the LA Tourist Board. If not, Ilene, get on the blower. There are so many scenes inter-cut with sun-drenched pictures of the city of fallen angels, The Real L Word is 72% postcard.

We follow dreadlocks and tats Whitney to LAX to pick up a couple friends. She loves women, but not in a bad way. There’s a bad way? The more we see of Whitney, the more my first impression is dashed. She’s a pain in the neck. She’d get up on the crack of a plate, but isn’t “a player”. Where there is Whitney, there are broken hearts.
Next heart to be broken is Sara, her mate from “back in the New York days”; is this an expression we’re supposed to understand or just Whitney trying to seem well-travelled? When it comes to our friend Whit, opt for the more pretentious answer.

Our first lessons on LA lesbians; they all have tattoos and stupid hair styles that must have cost a fortune. Our next lesson; they are all either femme or futch (femme pretending to be butch, kinda like Whitney if you ask me) lesbians who are “more polished”.

It’s five minutes in and I am sick of Whitney. Can we move on please? Also, it’s five mins in and we’ve heard the word “connection” about seven times. Snore.

On to Jill and Nikki. They seem to be the Bette and Tina of this motley crew, having been together for 12 whole months! They seem to have a real, here it is again “connection”.
They’re loaded and stay off the scene as they are the straightest lesbians you’ve even known. Snore. Neeeeext.

Oh god, it’s that Mikey one. The more she talks, the more my first impressions are proving true. Pain in the arse. She does some boring thing in fashion, is loaded and works hard. Yadda yadda, fair play. She seems to be the only one who is completely playing to the camera; almost winking at her own jokes.  “Everyone thinks I’m butch”, no love that’s “bitch”.

She’s dating Raquel, who’s a make-up artist. She seems to be perfect for Mickey, they have a real “connection”, and even have the same blood type, “we’re both type A”. They work hard, are very focused on their careers and work hard and work “super hard” and oh shut up.

Off we go to meet Tracy and her amazing abs. Why we need to know that it’s 3.55pm is anyone’s guess but there it is onscreen. She’s 29 and come out five years ago when she brushed up against someone and felt, you guessed it, a “connection”.
She’s another one who works hard. She also plays hard and walks around in her bra a lot. Not that I’m complaining.
Chatting away to her mammy she seems like a normal type, which sticks out like a sore thumb on this show.

Rose is out on the tiles with her “bitches” looking for that one girl who’ll say yes. She’s a party girl who is in the top 1% ie looks good, has a good job, can show you a good time. Has a huge ego. She came out late at 19, 20 and hasn’t looked back since.

Back to Whitless and her crew of gorgeous women. They party, flirt and have a great time. Enter lesbian drama. Some burd Whitless “hooked up with” shows up and is wondering why our lothario is with Sara. It’s like “totally awkward”.
Why does Whitless give a damn? Coz she’s a lesbian lothario people, so there has to be some “processing” and “discussion” with the women who was basically a score. Once she feels ok about the devastation she left behind, Whit is off back to Sara.

Rose returns back to her flat after a crazy night out, to the World’s Most Understanding Girlfriend. It turns out she was dancing her socks off while her girl was asleep. Nice.

Jill and Nikki are in their mutli-thousand dollar kitchen each on a top of the range Mac, looking up wedding dresses. Doesn’t matter whether you’re looking them up or not Nikki, Jill is gonna make all the decisions. She’s one high-maintenance Type A.

More things we’ve learned – “Keep your options open” and “Keep and open mind” means “Do what I want”; and boobies are like an ass on your chest. Hmmmm…maybe you are a straight lesbian, Jilliki.

It turns out that the gorgeous Tracy is in a relationship. Not only with her girlfriend, Stamie, but also Stamie’s three kids. Yike! Stamie’s ex is also on the scene for obvious child-rearing reasons. See? I knew Tracy was the only adult on this show.

Off we go to see Mikey working. She works hard, did you know that? The next few minutes are all about Mikey being the boss, doling out thanks and complaints in equal portion to her minions. Then it’s about her being a badass fashion-industry type, kicking ass over the phone. We fail to care or be impressed. Seriously, is this supposed to be entertaining TV? It’s the audience who are working hard here.

Sigh, more Whitney. She lives with other people who are so cool it hurts and they’re planning a small get together for other equally cool people.

More things we now know – the ability to chop food makes you a tantamount to a chef; “pumps” are ladies who are effeminite whereas “pants” know how to swing a hammer.
What about my partner who is, at I write, disassembling a chair ready for recycling while also cooking the dinner? Irish lesbians are so much more multi-functional.

We are at Rose’s Dad’s house, where she is surrounded by adoring uncles, dad and granny who don’t care a fiddle about her sexuality. Her and her “mom” don’t talk, but she’s a lucky woman to have so much love in her life. It’s lovely to see a family accept their daughter even if she insists on wearing a cap indoors. Here’s her girlfriend! She’s welcomed openly and she, too, insists on donning her cap indoors. This must be the basis of their “connection”.
Then Rose’s lady suddenly let’s a stink bomb – she wants a baby. Eep! What about Rose being a player? You should see the look on Rose’s face – the head on that!

Mikey is at home at 9.30pm waiting for her woman to cook for her. She works so hard, poor diddums. She’d get a smack in the face with her instant noodles if she did that here.

Whitless; cool people, cool party; power of the clam. Wait, what?! Yes, ladies Whitney possesses the power of the clam. Don’t all women?

Mikey getting ready for bed, cuddles and more playing for the camera. Her girlfriend works so hard that she can’t be without make up; even in bed she is caked in the stuff. They have such a “connection”.

Nikki and Jill are in a swanky cafe wearing matching tops, to see their wedding organiser. We want it to be elegant, Jewish but non-denominational (huh?), with gorgeous flowers and candles and on and on and on. Jill worked hard and works hard and so thinks money shouldn’t be an option for the wedding. What is it with these girls and working hard? Get a life ladies!

Rose and her girlfriend are getting ready for a night out with their friends. Whitless is doing the same. I want a beer.

Whit arrives and surveys the area like a tiger weighing up her prey. She’s with Sara but sees Tracy across the room. In what is such an obvious set-up by the makers of the show, she tries to chat up Tracy but she ain’t having any of it. Then we have more “processing” between Whitless and Sara. Snore.
Rose is in the same bar, or they’re all looking the same at this stage, being her flirting self when her girlie picks her up on it. She wants her to be herself but to remember that she’s in a relationship. And this is the woman with whom she wants to have a baby?

They all head home for some sexy-time, which in the lesbian world is means wife-beaters, candles and tattoos.

Next day, Sara is heading home and it’s breaking poor Whiney’s heart. Why do I want someone I can’t have? Because you can’t have her you eejit. If you could, you’d be on to the next one as quick as you can say LAX. speaking of which, she drops Sara off to one airport gate and then heads over to another to pick up another “friend”.

And that’s it. Pants. All it proves is that lesbians are like everyone else, vacuous, selfish and fucked-up. Great, thanks Ilene.

For the stalker in you, check what the girls are up to here
Or read their blogs here

No related posts.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about the best lesbian couples on the telly, asking you who were your favourite. You could’ve smacked me in the ass and called me Mary when the results came in. I know that The L Word was popular and, for some people, the only lezzers ever on television, but Bette and Tina ran away with the vote.

There has to be a caveat here, even though Tibette got 56% of the votes, it seems we were pinged on a fan forum so they spammed us mightily and voted like it was going out of fashion. Having said that, the next couple were at 20% of the vote so, even if you agree that 56% is weighted too heavily to be accurate, Tibette won fair and square. It begs the question, why?

Could it be that on our poll just four of the couples ended up happy, and Tibette were the pair most people knew, the others being Olivia & Natalia (Guiding Light), Helen & Nikki (Bad Girls) and Maca & Esther (Hospital Central). Is it the case that we all want happy endings?

In the mix was sex and friendship in the form of Alice & Dana (The L Word) and no sex but lots of friendship with Xena and Gabrielle and the other miserable couples who ended up either with one of them dead or straight.

One the one hand, this mixture shows how limited the representations of lesbians are, but let’s not harp on about that too much, so we could be here all day. Things seems to be getting better as the most recent couples aren’t dying but are alive and well. Don’t ask for much do we?

Here was I thinking lesbians loved a bit of drama in their lives and, by extension on television, but it seems all we want is to have a great job, settle down, have a baby, have an affair, break up and get back together again.

On the serious side, however, the results show that we want to see happy lesbians on television, characters who find love and who stick together through it all. The over-whelming vote for Tibette, with Olivia & Natalia from Guiding Light in second place, suggests that we’re not the miserable old moaners that the media think we are, but romantic, loving people who are living as full a life as our straight counterparts. Can we please see this more on television? All wrapped up in some drama of course.

Just as a footnote: Tibette lovers, please, please, please stop voting! We know you love them and many different languages.

No related posts.

Since then we’ve had a few outstanding lesbian pairing on TV. For no good reason, other than the fun of researching the images, we decided to ask you, “Who is your favourite lesbian couple?” Here they are in rough chronological order. There are o spoliers in here but some of the vids aren’t safe for work.

Beth & Margaret

The writers of soap-opera Brookside had every shied away from controversial topics, including homosexuality. Gordon was out and proud in the late ’80′s causing all sorts of chats over tea in the UK. It was in 1993, however, that they changed the lives of man young lesbians, yours truly included.

They introduced a young women, Beth, who was, while killing her abusive father and burying him in the back garden, questioning her sexuality. Actually, she wasn’t questioning it, she was sure of who she wanted and it was the gorgeous red-head next door, Margaret. It was revolutionary. Here were two beautiful young women who were hugely popular characters and they fancied each other. There was nothing negative a person could say about them. Plus, as with everything in Brookside, the acting was top-notch. Anna Friel was heart-breaking as she went through her attraction to Margaret and coming out to her mother. She succeeded in letting Beth grow into the knowledge that it was ok to be gay; she became more confident and proud of her sexuality.

When they kissed (and my heart stopped for a second), discussion programme were suddenly full of people discussing homosexuality. It opened the door, without a doubt, and poor Anna Friel (who played Beth) has been typecast since, even though she was only in the show for two years, ending her time on Brookie fifteen years ago.

Love Them For: That kiss at the bottom of the stairs

Zoe & Emma

At the same time as Beth was macking with Margaret, Zoe Tate in Emmerdale was starting to think she might be a friend of Dorothy. Some viewers thought the storyline was a reaction to Brookside‘s popularity but you have to hand it to the Emmerdale writers, they stuck with Zoe’s sexuality. Until she lost it, got preggers and stuff. But still….

Zoe had a few relationships along the way, but the most serious was with Emma Nightingale. They were two middle-class lasses to showed the TV-watching world that lesbian couples were pretty much the same as straight ones. They went through family crises together, drank in the Woolpack with everyone else and were your usual couple. They caused a bit of scandal when they decided to get married but the only thing Molly Sugden was worried about was whether you wear a hat to a lesbian wedding.

Love Them For: Just how boringly normal they were

Xena & Gabrielle

Don’t even try to tell me that they weren’t a couple. These ladies were the quintessential lesbian couple: they met, ran away with each other the same day and tried to change the world for the better. While wearing leather.

When Xena: Warrior Princess started in 1995, it wobbled a bit. People didn’t know what to make of it. Here’s a gorgeous woman going around ‘doing a kung-fu’ with her side-kick. Once they got over the breat-plate, that much people could understand. However, viewers of a certain age and ilk were wondering if they were the only ones thinking “they’re dykes!”. The first season was a hit, as kids loved it for all it’s chop-sockey good versus evil fun; but the creators had hit a nerve with adults too. This was something they weren’t expecting, thinking the viewers would be pretty much the same as those who enjoyed their other show Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. To their eternal credit, the creators responded positively and not only acknowledged the sexual tension between Xena and Gabrielle but encouraged it. Indeed, from season 5 onwards, it was pretty much assumed that they were lovers. In the final season there is a three-episode arc where Gabrielle needs her true love to save her, many men try but it turns out to be Xena who is her true love. Hello?

The romantic relationship between Xena and Gabrielle brought the notion of “lesbian subtext” to the fore in American TV and film and the spilled-over into real-life debates about same-sex sexuality and gay rights.

Love Them For: Getting people talking

Helen & Nikki

It was, rather embarrassingly, my mother who told me to watch Bad Girls when it came out first. In another case of superb British television, excellent writing and perfect acting joined to create something special. It came on to TV in 1999, no fanfare, no hype but immediately grabbed everyone’s attention. The first season started as they meant to go on, covering controversial topics like drugs, suicide and murder. Every character was three-dimensional and the writers mixed the comic with the shocking. During the shows eight seasons, there were many lesbians and lesbian relationships, but it’s Helen and Nikki who still make the heart skip a beat.

It could have been such a cliche; misunderstood crim calls for right-on officer. However, the writing and the acting were sublime. Both actresses submerged themselves in the characters and created such chemistry that we were hanging on every word.

At the end of the last season who can forget the immortal line, “Life is shit”? Then, through the next couple of seasons, they went through some topsy-turvy times with hot-headed Nikki losing the rag and principled Helen wondering what the hell she was getting herself in for. Top class drama with a top notch couple.

Love Them For: Their passion and intelligence. Plus that Scottish accent.

Willow & Tara

When did we get to the stage were it was ok for Tara to sing “Lost in ecstasy, spread beneath my Willow tree”? Things in the US seemed to go from lez-less to singing from the rooftops in double-time. When Buffy the Vampire Slayer started back in 1997, Willow Rosenberg was your standard geek played with miles above standard cuteness by Alyson Hannigan. It was in season four that Willow meets Tara and falls in love. There’s a nice correlation between Willow realising the extent of her magic and her love for Tara; each empowering the other.

It was another year, though, before we saw them kiss in a lovely scene where Tara is calming an upset Willow down after the death of Buffy’s mother. Willow’s coming out to her friends and her openness about her sexuality was dealt with as you’d expect from series creator Joss Whedon; funny, smart and right on the button. Her long-lasting relationship with Tara is treated with warmth and understanding, never hidden away to be used when the writers felt like it.

In season six, as Willow’s power becomes stronger and stronger, it seemed natural for the writers to make her the next ‘big bad’. But how would they turn the ultimate good-guy into a baddie? By killing the thing she loved most in the world – Tara. There was an uproar when Tara was killed off, some fans still haven’t forgiven Whedon. Her next girlfriend may have had the added advantage of a pierced tongue, but she was no Tara.

Love Them For: “Can you just be kissing me now?”

Bette & Tina

Love it or hate it, The L Word was revolutionary TV. In 1997, Ellen was shafted off the air for being a gay character but just seven years later, American TV had it’s very own all-lesbian show. The characters were apologetically gay, they talked like us, dressed like we might if we had more money and sat around in cafes like we would if we had more money. They slept with actual women and talked about things like orgasms and girlfriends and lovers, oh my!

In the first season, the couple at the centre of things were Bette and Tina; they were the mammies who grounded the others as they went about their gay ways. When we met them they were eight years into their relationship and completely dedicated to each other. They had the cutest child on television (I dare you to disagree) and raised her in their own modern barely-functioning family environment. They had their difficulties through the next seasons but we all knew that they were destined to be together, it was only a matter of Bette growing up and Tina getting a life. Once those two things clicked into place, presto!

The L Word was (in)famous for its sex scenes. Some were hilariously bad, some cringe-worthy but most were hot as hell. All of Bette and Tina’s fall into the last category. Whether it was a loving joining, an angry shag or lonely embrace, you always felt the heat and the love between these two. Bette and Tina were also one of very few grown-up lesbian couples on television; at the time most lesbian storylines were about coming out, or looking for love, but here were two women living the life, making the sacrifices and reaping the loving rewards.

Love Them For: Living happily ever after

Alice & Dana

A lot of The L Word was, frankly, unbelievable. Maybe I’m saying that because I don’t want to believe that anyone like Jenny Schecter could actually exist, but as the seasons progressed The L Word suffered from what a lot of shows go through. Instead of extending plots, examining issues and enriching characters, they make it shinier, with bigger guest stars, better clothes and cars, cooler sets and more sex. One thing they were consistent with though, were the relationships between the characters.

They nailed it with Alice and Dana. Here we had best buds, the comic element of the show, but whose friendship was as real and authentic as it was tender. When their relationship loved to a sexual one, we were all delighted. Their verbal sparring continued and even their sex scenes were funny (as well as hot). But this was a complicated relationship. Dana had just had her heart broken and was raw, Alice thought she’s found her soulmate but was too vulnerable for it to last. They were always destined to be the perfect double-act, but that doesn’t mean it’s the perfect romantic partnership.

Love Them For: Cracking you up

Dana & Lara

Yep, we’re still with The L Word. One of the best scenes in the show was in the first season, when all of the girls got together to see if a woman Dana liked was gay. In efficient FBI-style they assessed her but came up empty; Lara was her own woman, not a cliché. The kiss that followed, just to show Dana the truth of her sexuality, set the precedent for their relationship; quirky and sexy.

Dana Fairbanks was one of the best characters on the show. She was smart, talented and hilarious. Coming from a conservative family, she had to fight for her right to be out, but did so with a little help from her friends and a big push from Lara. The ideal foil for Dana’s neurotic, vulnerable personality, Lara was strong, soft and well-able to talk her off a ledge when necessary.

When the writers imploded and decided to give Dana cancer, Lara was unforgivably pushed aside by the writers. It seemed as if they didn’t know where she fit in the mix so they kicked her out. Were they afraid that Lara’s struggle would take away from Alice’s? Or did they run out of ideas? It was a huge misstep either way and a major mistake on the part of The L Word‘s creator, Ilene Chaiken.

Love Them For: Being so cute

Olivia & Natalia

Guiding Light was the longest-running soap opera in history when it went off the air in 2009, running for a jaw-dropping 72 years. Back in 2008, Olivia and Natalia hated each other. In fairness, poor Gus (Natalia’s hubbie) died because he was rushing to hospital to see Olivia, but his heart was a match for Olivia’s so she had her transplant, but Natalia hated her for it, but then she sees that Olivia’s daughter needs a mother so she starts to help her feel better and then they become friends. Breath. So then Olivia gets sick again and Natalia gets her to move in so she can help her and they’re so different it’s tough, but they get over it and they get even closer. Breath. Then people start to see them as the “two mommies” of the kids (they each have one) and they laugh about the lesbian connotation and then Olivia kisses her! O.M. G!

Ok, I’m mocking, but I have to take my hat off to the writers of Guiding Light, operating within huge restrictions they managed to portray a loving lesbian couple, who were smoking hot and deeply committed to one another. American soap operas aren’t known for a high standard of acting, but Crystal Chappell (Olivia) and Jessica Leccia (Natalia) did an excellent job. Their chemistry pinged off the chart. Now consider that they weren’t allowed kiss on-screen. The network were so afraid of a backlash that they banned it. Seriously, not a peck. It takes acting of a certain calibre to be able to communicate sexual heat when all you can do is hug, peck on the cheek or maybe have the odd forehead bump.

There was understandable uproar online from both straight and gay people – here were two characters who had been to hell and back in true soap style, who were raising their kids in a loving family but couldn’t even have a small kiss? This anger turned to unadulterated joy when the actresses announced that they could be part of the cast of the web series Venice: The Series playing a lesbian couple. When, in the opening scene, the two were in bed kissing, Otalia fans gave a global woop for joy. It was a long time coming.

Love Them For: “Do you want to see my ‘I love Olivia’ dance?”

Pepa & Silvia

I’m sure the folks who make the Spanish show Los Hombres de Paco were wondering who all of these Spanish-speaking people all over the world were and how they suddenly discovered the program. The success and popularity of the Pepa and Silvia was an internet phenonenon. Lesbians all over the world, who hadn’t a word of Espanol, were hooked. Then a few amazing women came together and not only edited the show to take out the non-Pepsi bits, but also added subtitles and uploaded to You-Tube. Genius!

Los Hombres de Paco is a cop show, filmed in dodgey cardboard sets with the actors hold water pistols trying to be taken seriously. It would have passed us all by had the creators not cast Spanish supermodel Laura Sánchez in the role of Pepa. Pepa, a cop and sister to the titular Paco, comes into town out and proud and with her eye set firmly on Silvia who she’s loved since she was a teenager. Silvia’s character had been in the show for years and had never shown an ounce of sapphism. But if Laura Sánchez can’t make you gay no one will.

Pepa and Silvia were great together. Pepa all fire and attitude – shooting from the hip; Silvia all patience and understanding – thinking before she acted. When it came to love though, Silvia followed her heart and could only resist Pepa’s charms for so long. In the episodes that followed, the pair went through the usual dramatic ups and downs but remained strong, even getting married in the last episode of season eight.

It was also in this episode that the writers swallowed their creative tongue, killing off Silvia. At her wedding. Still in her dress. I mean, please! Anyway, the folks who make the  Los Hombres de Paco will now be wondering were all those viewers disappearred to when the next season starts. Maybe it’s already started, meh, who cares anymore.

Love Them For: That scene in the garage. Dayum!

Maca & Esther

Spanish telly continues with more lesbians in Hospital Central. On the air for 18 years (they run long in Spain), the show’s main character Dr Macarena “Maca” Wilson Fernández, has been on the show for 10 of those years, and her relationship with Esther has lasted as long, with the odd drama thrown in for good measure.

It’s fascinating to watch as Maca and Esther’s partnership reflects the growing acceptance of gay couples in Spain over those years. Their relationship is treated exactly the same as others on the show; no muttered jokes, just complete acceptance. Unfortunately, though, it looks like they’ll leave the show this season. Exciting times but not half as exciting as all of the crap this pair have had to go through in their decade together. Affairs, break-ups, reunions, weddings and divorces – it’s all part of life on the box.

Buzz on the internet has been huge, and Hospital Central had the same fans as Los Hombres de Paco, waiting up all hours to get the next translated installment of their favourite couple. It doesn’t harm things that Patricia Vico, who playes Maca, is an absolute babe. But what will happen next? All eyes are on the pair as Maca finds out she has a sister she didn’t know existed. What will happen and will she be as gorgeous as Vico? Get thee on to You-Tube.

Love Them For: Battling hard to be so happy

Arizona & Callie

When the writers of Grey’s Anatomy decided not to bring back Dr Erica Hahn in season five, the world went “huh?”. It didn’t make much sense to viewer, or to the actress, but she was gone and Dr Calliope Torres was single again. The internet went nuts, we had a perfectly good lesbian couple and they went and ruined it on us. There was real dread that Callie and her sex-friend McSexy would hook up again.

We need not have worried. As the door slammed behind Erica, Arizona strode through it. Originally, the people behind Seattle Grace were worried about Dr Arizona Robbins. They brought her in as a guest to see what the viewers would think. Would we like her? Yes we would!

Jessica Capshaw, who played Arizona, was hot off the set of The L Word and was well used to playing gay. She was open about chasing the role and hoping against hope that she would be kept on. Little did she know she would end up being the only lesbian character on prime-time US television.

Calzone have been hugely popular with audiences gay and straight. For a start, the individual characters are great fun; Arizona is all childish energy and sunny outlook, backed-up with brains to burn and Callie is quirky, self-deprecating and a bit geeky. Together they click. Another aspect of interest has been the difference in their stages of coming out.

Arizona is out and proud, while Callie is just getting used to being gay and having to tell people about it. Indeed, the stand-out episode in recent times has been the one in which Callie comes out to her father. The reaction is bad, so Arizona confronts him. Goosebumps ensue.

After the debacle that was Callica and its end; Calzone are a breath of fresh air.

Love Them For: How they get each other

Naomi & Emily

Seventeen years after Beth and Margaret got it on, British television continues to give us realistic depictions of young gay people. It’s also interesting to see the difference in the character’s reaction to their own sexuality and the reaction of the viewing public to an on-screen gay couple, since the Brookside story. Nowadays, the characters are much more sure of themselves and their rights as gay people and the viewers just don’t give a damn, once the show is entertaining and the couple believable.

From the moment Emily comes on screen in Skins, she is nervous about her attraction to Naomi, but never conceals it from her. She fancies her and chases her in a realistic way, with lots of flirting and lingering looks. When Naomi starts to realise that she feels the same way, it’s hard on her, just as it is for us all. But kids these days are tough and honest, she gets over the panic and falls into Emily’s arms.

The actresses who play Naomily are over the moon with the positive response to their characters. It’s a hugely positive sign when two up-and-comers jump at the chance to pose for lesbian mag like Diva, and talk openly and intelligently about their roles. If we continue to have couples like these ladies, we’ll be doing alright.

Love Them For: “Be brave, and want me back”

So, after that run-down, what do you think? Who are you’re favourite lesbian couple? Have I forgotten anyone? Do I need flogging for over-looking something obvious?

No related posts.

I’ve selected some of the best shows of the past few years, all of which are available to buy, or even better, to receive!  I don’t want to give it all away, so I’m breaking it down into bite size chunks for your perusal, the basic idea, and hopefully not too much spoiling!

First off, the one that everybody has been talking about for the past few years. The Wire premiered on television in the US back in 2002, and had modest viewing figures for most of its five seasons.  It was only after it became available on DVD that it went huge, described by many critics as the greatest television series of all time.

What’s the story then?  Drama set in Baltimore, Maryland.  Each season of The Wire focuses on a different facet of the city: the drug trade, the port, the city government and bureaucracy, the school system, and the print news media.

Is it funny? It can be, mostly dark humour.

Is it smart? The smartest thing you’ll see in a long time.

Dramatic? Very.  At first you’ll think it’s slow-paced, but once you get into the groove, everything else seems ridiculously contrived.

Addictive? Like chocolate-covered caffeinated crack cocaine.

Worth the monies? Definitely.  If you give as a gift, you’ll impress in a big way.

Gay content?  Gaytent, if you will? Two of the coolest characters are gay, one a Robin Hood-type gangster with a heart, the other a kick-ass dyke detective.  And they are far from token gays too, which is a nice change.  So the Wire gets four out of five Gay Tents.

Weeds is now in its’ fifth season on television, and you can get the first four seasons on DVD.  Part comedy, part drama, it has garnered a stash of awards since it premiered in 2005.

What’s the story then? Mary Louise Parker (we like her) plays a newly widowed housewife living in an affluent California suburb who becomes her neighborhood’s marijuana dealer to make ends meet.

Is it funny? It really is.  Think about it – pot-selling housewife with kids, stoned neighbours, romantic entanglements, right-on drug dealers and those wonderfully bitchy women that they seem to grow on trees in Southern California.  Throw in a screw-up brother-in-law that acts like a teenager and constantly gets into trouble, and how could hilarity not ensue?

Is it smart? Extremely.  The writing is some of the cleverest you’ll find.  Even the stoner lines are classic.

Dramatic? There are some very cool twists that you never see coming.  And that’s all I can say!

Addictive? Studies have shown, you can get hooked on Weeds.

Worth the monies? Yes.  You may have missed it on Sky One because the schedule hopped around a bit, so do yourself a solid and buy.

Gay content?  Gaytent, if you will? Isabelle, youngest daughter of the delightfully awful Celia, is an out and proud chubby little lesbian, proud mostly because it seems to infuriate her mother, who says it’s not an alternative to having to lose weight.  She gets three out of five Gay Tents all to herself because she gives back as good as she gets in the deadpan putdown stakes.

Another relative newbie on the scene is Damages, with two seasons in the bag so far, and a third coming soon to TV.  Very soon hopefully!

What’s the story then? It’s about a brilliant yet ruthless lawyer Patty Hewes (Glenn Close), a newly appointed rookie Ellen Parsons (Rose Byrne) and the law firm Hewes runs in New York. The first season finds Hewes attempting to win a class action lawsuit against the former CEO of a corporation.

Is it funny? Nope, no time for humour, too busy chewing the edge of my seat!  (and mixing metaphors with the stress of it all, apparently)

Is it smart? Very much so, extremely intelligent writing.

Dramatic? And how.  Storylines are a season long, there are plot twists all over the place, and the acting is brilliant.  Glenn Close is sublime and terrifying in equal parts, and totally believable throughout.  It’s technically impressive too, with flash forwards used really well as part of the narrative.

Addictive? Very.  The seasons are only about 13 episodes long, so use as a controlled substance if you want it to last!

Worth the monies? Yes, especially if you buy the combined seasons one and two box set.  No withdrawal symptoms from the first season either, you can just start the second one straight away!  Bonus!

Gay content?  Gaytent, if you will? Not so far, but who knows what might happen in season three?  Anything!  Seriously!

(Oh yeah, it gets one Gay Tent because it has Glenn Close in it)

The second season of the multi award-winning Mad Men was released on DVD earlier this year, and a third season has just concluded on television in the US.

What’s the story then? Set in the early 1960s, the show is set at the fictional Sterling Cooper advertising agency on Madison Avenue in New York, and depicts the changing social mores of the time.

Is it funny? Some very dry humour there.  Also a lot of blatant sexism that would have been all too real then, but seems outmoded and ridiculously offensive now.  Should I be laughing?!

Is it smart? Very.  The writing is sharp and clever, the plotlines are well-structured.

Dramatic? It might be set in an office, but the intrigue and corporate turmoil keeps things ticking over nicely.

Addictive? We watched an entire series over a bank holiday weekend.  Hello, my name is bear, and I’m a Mad Men addict.

Worth the monies? Definitely, you’ll watch it more than once.

Gay content?  Gaytent, if you will? One character so far Sal, the Art Director, is a closeted gay man.  Things aren’t great for Sal, it being homophobic corporate America of the 1960’s and all, but I hold out hope that he has the courage to strike a blow for the cause.  It’s not a staple of the storyline so far, so I’ll just give it two Gay Tents.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock these past five years, you’ll have heard about The L-Word.  That said, if you had a DVD player under your rock, you’re probably all up to speed on this one.

What’s the story then? Basically it’s all about the lives of a group of lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their friends, family and lovers in trendy West Hollywood, California.

Is it funny? There are some funny scenes.  Even funnier are the bits that are inadvertently hilarious, although I’m sure the producers didn’t intend them to be.

Is it smart? No, not really.  I’m still waiting for that lesbian show with good dialogue and a plot that doesn’t make me want to throw the television out the window and go live in a cave.  A cave without a DVD player.

Dramatic? It can be, if you count the improbable and bizarre as dramatic constructs.  Granted, they don’t skimp on the sex scenes, but many a happy orgasm does not a cohesive and watchable drama make.  But I don’t mean to be too hard on it, the L-Word will be remembered as the first lesbian TV show, and not for its wonky plotlines and lacklustre writing.  Let’s hope that things can only get better (hint:  more plausible stories, less manatee-obsessed loo-lahs).

Addictive? I weaned myself off it with relative ease, but if you’re watching for the first time, it can be a bit moreish.

Worth the monies? Hmm… depends.  The first three seasons were watchable enough, after that, too ridiculous.  However, if it’s a bit of fluff and a lot of eye candy you’re looking for, it can’t be beat.

Gay content?  Gaytent, if you will? Result inconclusive – my Lesbometer blew up after the opening credits.

Happy holiday viewing!

No related posts.

Born in Illinois in 1960, Jane worked in theatre for years after qualifying with a Masters in Theatre Studies from Cornell. She wrote and starred in the award-winning play Oh Sister, My Sister, originally produced in 1998, and played at the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center in 2004.

If you watch any films from the 80s and 90s, you’ll be amazed how many times Jane’s face appears; Vice Vearsa, Fatal Instinct, The Fugitive and  Straight Talk to name a few. Then there are the copious amount of TV shows she’s been in; Married With Children, Party of 5, Cybill, Third Rock from the Sun, Frasier, JAG, The Gilmore Girls, Dawson’s Creek and X-Files are just a hand full.

I have done projects in the past that I didn’t think were very good, because I was just happy to work—my agent used to say I’d work for a steak and $1.50–but I’m not really doing that anymore.

Hollywood started talking about her being an “overnight sensation” having worked her bum off  for 15 years, when she stole the show in Christopher Guest’s Best In Show, in 2000. The part cemented Jane’s skill as playing crazy characters with a steely sincerity. Plus she got to play a lesbian, something the out-and-proud actress was pretty happy about.

She has continued to be part of Guest’s troupe of highly-talented actors in the hilarious A Mighty Wind, in which she plays an ex-prostitute member of a Christian folk band.  She told The Village Voice, recently, that this is, so far, her favourite role.

She’s sexually confident and oblivious to what others might think of her. She has no shame and really loves her feminine, sexy body. I found it in me. I had to dig something up. But I couldn’t wait to wash my hair out and take off the curls and tight pants and push-up bra at the end of the day. I identified as a boy most of my life. I felt like a boy. But that movie helped me along. I’m showing “cleave” all the time now.

Since then, Lynch has appeared in Christopher Guest’s For Your Consideration as pain-in-the-ass TV reporter, a role she also played in Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story.

For lesbians though, she really came into our world in The L Word as nuttier than a Cadbury’s bar, velvet vagina on the wall, Joyce Wishnia. The part was originally supposed to be as just Bette and Tina’s lawyer but she was so popular that she came back as Cybill Shepherd’s girlfriend/fiancee.

Then came the famous “Gathering Storm” parody. For those of you not in the know, a right-wing Christian group in the US hired a bunch of actors to make an ad about how gay marriage was going to bring on the end of the world. A bunch of actors and comedians got together and made their version, taking the mick:

Most recently, the big screen was graced with her presence when she appeared as Meryl Streep’s sister in Julie and Julia. She says of Streep:

She was shaking in her boots. I did my best just to act like a normal person. At the end of the day, I’m a regular actor like her!

I love when I go to see a film without any idea that Jane will pop up and steal the show. Wherever I see that cheeky face and overly-sincere smile, I’m hooked.

So, when I heard that she would be in a new TV show and that it was created by the pair behind the wonderful yet short-lived Popular, it was with great haste that I procured a copy of the first season. Glee is about a glee club in an American high school. Like Popular, the show deals with the cool kids versus the losers, with the glee clubbers the absolute bottom of the bile. The show is  everything you hope it will be – subversive, smart and belly-achingly hilarious. Just like our Jane.

No related posts.

Written by Rose Troche and Guinevere Turner, who were girlfriends at the time, Go Fish is about a cute lesbian, Max (played by Turner) and her efforts at finding a girlfriend. It was directed by Troche and made for the cost of a bag if chips, but it reached holy ground when it ‘went mainstream’ and was actually noticed by the mainstream media. The review it got at the time were kind and looked forward to the emergence of Troche and Turner as talents of the future. So, were they right?

Rose Troche

Rose Troche was 30 when she made Go Fish, having finished film school at the University of Illinois in Chicago. She’d been making short films and videos when she and her girlfriend decided to make their own feature-length film. Go Fish premiered at Sundance in 1994 and was loved by the audience, winning the Audience and Critics awards.

After Go Fish, she directed Bedrooms and Hallways and the movie version of A.M. Homes’ short-stories, The Safety of Objects. As well as her film work, Rose has been very buy on the small screen. She directed an episode of hit drama Six Feet Under as well as Ugly Betty. She also wrote an episode of the lesbian-teen show South of Nowhere. She is probably best know, though, for her work on The L Word. For three seasons she was a director and writer and also served as producer for the series.

Guinevere Turner

Guin Turner has been one busy lady, working in front and behind the screen. After stealing hearts in Go Fish, she was courted by Hollywood but gave them the two-fingers deciding, instead, to stick to independent and short films. She was in many a gay and lesbian film including The Watermelon Woman, The Fluffer, Kiss Me, Guido and the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

She is also an accomplished screenwriter and is much sought-after since her reworking of American Psycho and the original screenplay for The Notorious Bettie Page, both with Mary Harron. Guinevere joined up (professionally) with her ex when she began working on The L Word too. She was a writer and story editor for the first two seasons and also appeared as Alice’s on-off girlfriend, Gabby Deveaux.

Turner also co-wrote Quiet Please and lesbian film, Happy Birthday in 2008, and the up-coming Breaking the Girl which is due out in 2010.

No related posts.

Sleb gossip sites were aflutter today with news that 51-year old actor, Kelly McGillis has come out.

Speaking of a lifelong struggle with her sexuality with SheWired.com ‘Girl Rock’ vlogger, Jennifer Corday, McGIllis said “life is a freaking journey, and it’s about growing and changing, and coming to terms with who and what you are, and loving who and what you are.” McGillis may be best known generally for playing opposite Tom Cruise in Top Gun, Harrison Ford in Witness, and Jodie Foster in The Accused. However, many in the sapphic sorority will recognise her from her recent appearance in season 5 of The L Word as closeted military Colonel Gillian Davis prosecuting a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” case against Captain Tasha Williams. McGillis speaks candidly in the SheWired.com vlog about the journey which has led her to coming out at this point in her life. The twice-divorced mother-of-two said of her romantic relationships with men “I did that, I need to move on in life. That’s another part of being true to yourself…that’s been a challenge for me personally.” She goes further to reveal that coming out and accepting her sexual identity has been a life-long work-in-progress: “I think that accepting my homosexuality was an ongoing process from the time I was about 12. I had a lot of things happened that convinced me that God was punishing me for being gay. That was a hard process.”

Kudos, Ms. McGillis! We wish her well in this new, out chapter in her life. Oh, and before you ask, she is single.

No related posts.

We’ll bring our instant, primal, gut reactions to the latest load of nonsense foisted upon lesbian telly land by Ilene Chaiken – and (technical glitches permitting) you can contribute your thoughts, as we go.

Let’s go!

(Techy glitch.. Take 28347836 – let’s go!)

Follow us here at 8:45pm – LINKY!
Pin the tail on the dykey!

Gaelickers have a quick game to get through the techy hiccups

• 8:27 PM: gaelick Testing!
• 8:31 PM: gaelick Ok checking to see it’s working.
• 8:33 PM: click here Dear Jeebus! Timpiste ScribbleLive.com..! I need another beer..
• 8:33 PM: elfinamsterdam you starting now so? me still waiting for my file
• 8:33 PM: Annie Aura I need a beer too.
• 8:34 PM: gaelick Orange’s brain is dripping out of her ears
• 8:35 PM: elfinamsterdam that wont take long so
• 8:35 PM: click here pmsl – miaooooww
• 8:35 PM: Annie Aura Twit.
• 8:36 PM: gaelick are you ready to go elf?
• 8:36 PM: orange my technological inability is directly related to my increased consumption of beer in the past 30 minutes.
• 8:36 PM: elfinamsterdam Nay I only found out this morning so only started d/l when i got home
• 8:37 PM: elfinamsterdam have bout 40mins left of D/l
• 8:37 PM: gaelick feck! How long do you think it;ll be? should we wait?
• 8:37 PM: elfinamsterdam so …. just came to say hi
• 8:37 PM: elfinamsterdam if you guys want to go on .. its ok
• 8:37 PM: elfinamsterdam great idea btw…..
• 8:37 PM: gaelick
• 8:37 PM: elfinamsterdam loved doing this at the Inauguration
• 8:38 PM: gaelick pity we’re technologically stoopid though
• 8:38 PM: elfinamsterdam how so… its working right?
• 8:38 PM: gaelick sill interwebby
• 8:38 PM: elfinamsterdam who’s watchin with you ladies?
• 8:39 PM: elfinamsterdam give me a mental picture… so I know what craic im missing?
• 8:39 PM: gaelick You’re missing Orange, HAL, Clicky and AnnieAura’s craic
• 8:40 PM: elfinamsterdam fark I am indeed missin Orange… the rest of you can get lost
• 8:40 PM: click here Well, we’re all having nervous breakdowns here, in silence, behind blue-lit laptops. And HAL, you’re a knack bag.
• 8:40 PM: elfinamsterdam joke
• 8:40 PM: elfinamsterdam ok
• 8:40 PM: orange sweet jesus, HAL. that’s a little too visual
• 8:40 PM: click here Charmin’!
• 8:40 PM: Annie Aura I’m watching football….shhh.
• 8:40 PM: orange awwwwwwwwwwww, miss you too
• 8:41 PM: click here For shame, Annie Aura!
• 8:41 PM: orange and your casual references to my lac of brain activity lol
• 8:41 PM: elfinamsterdam football is for LOSERS…..
• 8:41 PM: elfinamsterdam *waves* hi Orange lovvie!!
• 8:41 PM: click here Okay, unless the TV gives out, we’re starting up!
• 8:42 PM: elfinamsterdam ok … loggin out…. has the craic…. miss you guys…. you should come visit you know
• 8:42 PM: click here Shane is moping
• 8:42 PM: orange Is Shane in jail already?
• 8:42 PM: gaelick eat something Shane
• 8:42 PM: click here She’s in a police station. Yet, she’s still moping.
• 8:42 PM: click here And musing, inanely.
• 8:42 PM: gaelick oh shut up- feeling is a solitary yadda yadda
• 8:42 PM: click here I don’t think detective Xena cares, Shane. You’re such a sterotype..
• 8:42 PM: Annie Aura Shane is auditioning for Shawshank Redemption. Last week was Willy Wonka.
• 8:42 PM: gaelick Hi I’m a pain in the ass
• 8:42 PM: orange Shane is first-person narrating. oi veh!
• 8:43 PM: gaelick the supremes!!
• 8:43 PM: Annie Aura Shane is pointing at her craic.
• 8:43 PM: gaelick you think you can be ‘beautific’
• 8:43 PM: orange Shut up, shut up, shut up, Jenny you insidious wench
• 8:43 PM: click here What. Was. That? An intro??
• 8:43 PM: orange Oh look, trikey!
• 8:43 PM: Annie Aura Where’s the music?
• 8:44 PM: orange who loves who?!?
• 8:44 PM: gaelick I also love plaid
• 8:44 PM: orange muzakal farting by the sound of it
• 8:44 PM: Annie Aura Nah, Burberry plaid.
• 8:44 PM: click here And now the Alice-Tasha-Jamie threesome is imploding. Who could have seen that on the horizon?
• 8:44 PM: Annie Aura Thinking is cheating…
• 8:44 PM: orange well, I am shocked. I’ll have another beer for my nerves
• 8:44 PM: gaelick food?
• 8:44 PM: gaelick these people eat?
• 8:45 PM: Annie Aura Musical potatoes.
• 8:45 PM: gaelick tension, here’s a knife
• 8:45 PM: click here Clearly not..
• 8:45 PM: orange Tasha and Jamie both like potato wedges on square plates… weakest euphamism for “meant to be” ever
• 8:45 PM: gaelick why are they discussing this in public? isn’t this a personal r
• 8:45 PM: gaelick conversation
• 8:45 PM: click here lol
• 8:45 PM: gaelick oh I split!
• 8:45 PM: Annie Aura I don’t know what anyone is saying….they all look sad and murderous…
• 8:45 PM: orange Haven’t we all fallen in love with Tasha though? NO news there, Jamester
• 8:46 PM: click here And I can’t get over that warbling note in the background
• 8:46 PM: gaelick someone hand that person a tune
• 8:46 PM: Annie Aura Oh, and for the first time ever, the sun has gone in in LA.
• 8:46 PM: orange smoothie to her face!!!! Do it, Alice!
• 8:46 PM: gaelick cherish, respect – let’s f–k
• 8:46 PM: Annie Aura Ew, potato milkshakes.
• 8:46 PM: gaelick oohh….go Alicew
• 8:46 PM: click here Then leave the table, Jamie, feck’s sake
• 8:47 PM: orange who let Betty have a go at the saw and catgut in this scene?!?
• 8:47 PM: gaelick see? they’re not eating
• 8:47 PM: click here Seriously, I think these people are just waiting for the last paycheck. Bad acting!
• 8:47 PM: click here Ops – I mean, “paycheque”..
• 8:47 PM: Annie Aura Not paying either.
• 8:47 PM: orange oh, Dana *sigh*
• 8:47 PM: gaelick Dana….
• 8:48 PM: Annie Aura We are now sitting on Xena’s shoulder.
• 8:48 PM: gaelick sniff
• 8:48 PM: orange oh, Dylan *sigh*
• 8:48 PM: gaelick lol
• 8:48 PM: click here How is Dana relevant to Jenny’s death. Jesus
• 8:48 PM: gaelick sorry Gabreille
• 8:48 PM: gaelick coz they like both died dude!
• 8:48 PM: orange Dana killed Jenny! She came back to claim her!!!!
• 8:48 PM: Annie Aura Jesus is always relevant.
• 8:48 PM: gaelick cut. your. hair
• 8:48 PM: click here Since when did Dylan and Helena move in together? What is going on? And is that Enya in the background?
• 8:48 PM: gaelick see the U-haulvan outside Dylan?
• 8:49 PM: gaelick we’re shooting Jenny
• 8:49 PM: click here Shoot yourself, Jenny
• 8:49 PM: orange Dylan’s u-hauling her tabby into Helena’s enormo-gaff
• 8:49 PM: orange oh jesus, where aren’t you, Jenny?
• 8:49 PM: Annie Aura Jenny is kinda hot…no?
• 8:49 PM: Annie Aura No?
• 8:49 PM: click here NO!
• 8:49 PM: gaelick WHAT!!
• 8:49 PM: gaelick NO!!
• 8:49 PM: click here :-O
• 8:49 PM: orange GET OUT!!!!
• 8:50 PM: click here Get. Out.
• 8:50 PM: gaelick she’s making a toast…get a toaster
• 8:50 PM: gaelick something landed on Max’s face
• 8:50 PM: click here It’s Max and his woeful facial hair
• 8:50 PM: Annie Aura It’s the guy from the magic roundabout
• 8:50 PM: orange Oh look, Jenny upgraded her camera from iphone to X5 for future stalking activities
• 8:50 PM: orange Max has shaved and now looks ready for prison detail
• 8:50 PM: orange Dougal from MR?
• 8:51 PM: click here Max =
• 8:51 PM: gaelick it’s so badly done though. Daniela Sea hardly move her upper lip
• 8:51 PM: gaelick foreshadowing….
• 8:51 PM: click here Botox?
• 8:51 PM: gaelick that..is…a…dangerous..balcony
• 8:51 PM: Annie Aura Zebedee
• 8:51 PM: orange Most of the time, I’m not sure Daniela Sea is registering a pulse
• 8:51 PM: click here No one saw that, Kit!
• 8:51 PM: orange Brotox?
• 8:51 PM: Annie Aura Boing boing.
• 8:51 PM: gaelick Max’s baby? Why you genius!!!
• 8:51 PM: Annie Aura Bang bang.
• 8:51 PM: click here Kit’s channelling Cilla Black
• 8:52 PM: click here Sehprise, sehprise, chuck!
• 8:52 PM: gaelick why are my boobs so low
• 8:52 PM: orange Kit’s boobs are…distracting
• 8:52 PM: click here Don’t you mock my Pam, HAL!
• 8:52 PM: orange Kit just product placed TiBette’s life. Weird
• 8:52 PM: gaelick why are they all wearing black?
• 8:52 PM: click here You and me both, Bett
• 8:52 PM: click here Gerrout!
• 8:52 PM: gaelick woohoo Bette!!
• 8:53 PM: Annie Aura Where’s Jessica Fletcher? Isn’t she due?
• 8:53 PM: click here It’s subtle wardrobing, HAL.
• 8:53 PM: gaelick Kelly pop-eye Wentworth
• 8:53 PM: click here Subtle
• 8:53 PM: orange Cos it’s a funeral, HAL/gaelick! They’re overjoyed at Jenny’s imminent demise
• 8:53 PM: Annie Aura Saved by the Bell, not this time, bing!
• 8:53 PM: gaelick aha!! Wear pastels!!! Diamonte…..
• 8:53 PM: click here Mmmmmmmmm-hmm, girrrrl
• 8:54 PM: orange Sparkle, sparkle. It is a festive occassion after all!
• 8:54 PM: gaelick I wanna go to New York to get away from Ilene Chaiken
• 8:54 PM: Annie Aura She looks like a llama, Bette.
• 8:54 PM: click here Kit’s reciting the theme tune
• 8:54 PM: gaelick We. Are.Family.
• 8:54 PM: click here the in the ‘hood remix
• 8:54 PM: orange Kit’s eulogising the group. How many times is she going to say “lovely”?
• 8:54 PM: Annie Aura Xena’s shoulder to Shane’s ceiling….
• 8:54 PM: orange …of this scene
• 8:55 PM: gaelick at least she’s hasn’t said Guuurl
• 8:55 PM: Annie Aura Warble
• 8:55 PM: click here The sound editing is awful!
• 8:55 PM: gaelick Shane was bound to some burrd called Honour last season
• 8:55 PM: orange That piece of popcorn is Shane’s meal for the day
• 8:55 PM: gaelick it’s pixie shane
• 8:55 PM: click here No it’s not – she refuses to eat it.
• 8:55 PM: Annie Aura Shane is channelling fiddy cent….mofo
• 8:55 PM: click here Of course
• 8:56 PM: orange It’s secret society Shane with that hood situation going on
• 8:56 PM: orange It’s all about the treatment, Shane. Sort yourself out.
• 8:56 PM: gaelick gabba gabba gabba…this is writing?
• 8:56 PM: Annie Aura Drinking in bed always leads to murder, sheesh.
• 8:56 PM: click here An artist???
• 8:56 PM: gaelick An srseist
• 8:57 PM: gaelick arseist
• 8:57 PM: click here OMG – It’s Alice Extreme Closeup!
• 8:57 PM: orange Women drive Alice crazy… these poor police officers are probably wondering when they became the L Wordette counsellors
• 8:57 PM: Annie Aura Jenny may go off the deep end alert.
• 8:57 PM: click here I would have thought Jenny went off the deep end when she started talking to manatees
• 8:57 PM: gaelick she DIVED intot the deep end to talk to them
• 8:58 PM: orange why did she have to drown TWO seasons after being cast adrift at sea… we’ve been waiting oh so very long
• 8:58 PM: click here God, poor rich bitch
• 8:58 PM: click here (The old Helena reprised)
• 8:58 PM: gaelick ok, is this their idea of Law & Order, cut directing? Major close-ups?
• 8:58 PM: orange poor rich Helena. Boo hoo, I have so much money and all these women wanting a piece of me. Hard life.
• 8:58 PM: Annie Aura I guess Helena tries to use Jenny’s GHD at the wrong moment, Jenny “goes off the deep end” into the deep end.
• 8:58 PM: click here Yes, but with less law and order, more therapy sessions.
• 8:58 PM: click here It’s how we solve crime now
• 8:59 PM: gaelick there’s a confortanle embrace
• 8:59 PM: gaelick comfortable
• 8:59 PM: orange Some strange Kate Bush “Running Up that Hill” homage with Helena and Dylan on the stairs
• 8:59 PM: Annie Aura Stair sex!
• 8:59 PM: gaelick one word…ow!
• 8:59 PM: click here (yeowch)
• 8:59 PM: gaelick pick me up like you’re my dad – sexy
• 9:00 PM: orange ah woo hoo, Jenny’s death is getting Dylena in the mood
• 9:00 PM: click here Let’s hope this Dylena scene doesn’t last 20 minutes, like the last one
• 9:00 PM: gaelick no!! keep your clothes ON
• 9:00 PM: gaelick stab me!!
• 9:00 PM: gaelick it’s angelina sex
• 9:00 PM: click here Dylan goes psycho
• 9:00 PM: orange looks like Samurai Dylan kills Jenny
• 9:00 PM: Annie Aura Helena is getting her hair cut at last.
• 9:00 PM: orange “Cut me like one of your French girls, Jack”
• 9:01 PM: gaelick Helena has lotss of lolly
• 9:01 PM: Annie Aura That red lolly was a clue.
• 9:01 PM: click here Helena is explaining her personality changes? It’s too late to iron out the plot inconsistencies, Chaiken.
• 9:01 PM: gaelick did she lose her keys?
• 9:01 PM: Annie Aura Ew,
• 9:02 PM: click here There’s some hooded monk under Tina’s duvet!
• 9:02 PM: gaelick the railings….the RAILINGS!!!
• 9:02 PM: orange Cybill Shepherd is getting misty-eyed about Bette’s powersuit. Get in line, lady
• 9:02 PM: click here Oh, it’s Bette. That smoochy tango in the last episode must have worked..
• 9:02 PM: orange well when I’m making out with Jennifer Beals, I do be thinking of the railings… NOT!!!
• 9:02 PM: gaelick damn Bette is hot
• 9:02 PM: Annie Aura She forgot to use Comfort in the last wash, that’s what happens. Chafing.
• 9:03 PM: Annie Aura Bette looks like a llama…..
• 9:03 PM: gaelick that’s so heteronornative
• 9:03 PM: Annie Aura Some ironing needs to be done on them sheets…..
• 9:03 PM: gaelick gasp…Bette can’t breathe
• 9:03 PM: click here Oh, it’s same-sex marriage, candles and Sade. Romance!
• 9:03 PM: orange Awww, Sade. How fitting? Why haven’t they played Sade for BetTina before?
• 9:03 PM: gaelick get off her Tina
• 9:03 PM: click here Or dramatic irony.
• 9:03 PM: click here Either-or
• 9:03 PM: orange sit down, HAL.
• 9:03 PM: gaelick snigffy armpits
• 9:04 PM: gaelick Bette halo
• 9:04 PM: gaelick eeek….cover up Shane
• 9:04 PM: gaelick a flash back ot the first scene
• 9:04 PM: click here Change that skanky t-shirt, Shane
• 9:04 PM: Annie Aura This is turning into Dallas, murder, big hair and dream sequences…
• 9:04 PM: orange Shane’s on her way home from the night before. Undies in the back pocket, fo sho.
• 9:04 PM: click here Yes, Shane, couples have sex, too, not just slappers like you..
• 9:05 PM: orange So whoever shot JR kills Jenny? I owe that guy two beers now.
• 9:05 PM: click here It’s what we’ve all been thinking, Bette
• 9:05 PM: gaelick there aren’t enough meds in the world
• 9:05 PM: orange Touché to Bette’s heart-misplace-meds line
• 9:05 PM: gaelick what is that blouse all about?/
• 9:06 PM: Annie Aura I love the way they all dress up before going down the station…
• 9:06 PM: orange Jesus, Tina. Did we dress in the Tellytubby wardrobe again?
• 9:06 PM: gaelick Dylan on the phone to the plumber
• 9:06 PM: orange Shane eating twice in one episode. Unheard of!
• 9:06 PM: gaelick Shane?!Popcorn and cereal in the same day
• 9:06 PM: Annie Aura Dylan: “We need lots of water….lots.of.water”
• 9:06 PM: gaelick snap!!
• 9:07 PM: orange It’s hard to tell what Alice is saying about nipples with all that red twizzler in her mouth
• 9:07 PM: gaelick sounder
• 9:07 PM: gaelick it was SOUNDER!!!
• 9:07 PM: Annie Aura Shane hasn’t stopped eating this episode….something’s not right..murderous intent maybe….
• 9:07 PM: click here Yeah, those lines were so rubbish, Leisha’s clearly trying to stifle the script
• 9:07 PM: orange Sick, Sounder, sick!
• 9:07 PM: click here You have to take a long walk off a short pier
• 9:08 PM: gaelick Jenny’s going to the Grove?!?! that’s so Dublin northside in the 80s
• 9:08 PM: orange You can say “Final Cut Pro”, Jenny. The show is littered with Apple references anyway.
• 9:08 PM: click here It’s Kit and the gay heterosexual
• 9:08 PM: gaelick looks like that fight has been sunsetted
• 9:08 PM: orange Awww look at Angelica… cherubic face of a murderer.
• 9:09 PM: gaelick what’ wrong with men?
• 9:09 PM: Annie Aura Bette’s boobs are hot.
• 9:09 PM: gaelick FFS Bette ya big eejit…he’s not gonna leave a floater
• 9:09 PM: orange since when is Kit gooey-eyed about Sonny-Sunset? Oh, it’s only Kit… sure what’s another plothole on The L Word Kerry backroad?
• 9:09 PM: click here And now, Chaiken makes Bette into implausible man-hater
• 9:09 PM: Annie Aura what’s “men”?
• 9:09 PM: click here Evil aliens, AA
• 9:10 PM: gaelick oh god Jenny has a huge picture of herself in her office
• 9:10 PM: orange three letters that come after “w-o”, AA
• 9:10 PM: click here You mean, after “W-y”
• 9:10 PM: Annie Aura No, that’s not huge, that’s BLEEDIN’ MASSIVE.
• 9:10 PM: orange Dylan arrives to fix Jenny’s photocopier *wocka-wocka-wocka*
• 9:11 PM: orange Awww, James. Such a cutie.
• 9:11 PM: gaelick false hilarity
• 9:11 PM: Annie Aura Popcorn Interval
• 9:11 PM: click here Eww toe-picking
• 9:11 PM: Annie Aura not us!
• 9:11 PM: gaelick can we get to the murder please?
• 9:12 PM: orange Helena stitches, Alice picks her toes. Both on the phone.
• 9:12 PM: Annie Aura Alice doesn’t have a belt, note for later….
• 9:12 PM: click here And rumours abound
• 9:12 PM: click here lol
• 9:12 PM: click here That’s one weapon down, orange
• 9:13 PM: orange So Alice is freaking Helena out about Dylan. Six years later and not a single successful relationship shall emerge from this wasteland. Sheesh.
• 9:13 PM: gaelick and I can’t lie…coz I’m so innocent a cute
• 9:13 PM: gaelick sic sounder….sic!!
• 9:13 PM: gaelick go for the neck
• 9:13 PM: click here Come clean about what? Where? When? What am I watching?
• 9:13 PM: gaelick ooops!!
• 9:13 PM: orange So another storyline from the episode between 7 and 8? Since when is Dylan lying?
• 9:13 PM: click here OOH!
• 9:13 PM: click here Bombshell
• 9:13 PM: click here (not)
• 9:13 PM: Annie Aura Trust?!
• 9:14 PM: orange Oh christ, that was unnecessary, Chaiken
• 9:14 PM: gaelick relationships are based on trust? I thought it was about clothes and sec
• 9:14 PM: gaelick sex
• 9:14 PM: click here Crafty plot-twist there. Mmhm
• 9:14 PM: Annie Aura I’m confuddled. *flounders*
• 9:14 PM: orange Wherefore art thou, Helena?
• 9:14 PM: gaelick yes Helena restate the plot and waste some time
• 9:14 PM: gaelick snore
• 9:14 PM: click here Oh yay – Helena is fabulous when she’s crazy!
• 9:14 PM: gaelick kill her!!!
• 9:14 PM: click here OOH – BAD move, Dylan
• 9:14 PM: orange whoa, Jenny, that was an alarmingly squeaky noise
• 9:15 PM: gaelick trust me….please trust me….all I did was lie all the time
• 9:15 PM: orange Dan Foxworthy could have sorted you guys out in 5 minutes, Dylana. Well he could have told you to break up immediately too.
• 9:15 PM: gaelick Jenny is a c–t
• 9:15 PM: Annie Aura Facking Shechter. That’s a tshirt right there…
• 9:15 PM: orange Shane carried a watermelon
• 9:15 PM: click here It was Dylan! In the poolhouse! With the editing software!
• 9:16 PM: gaelick Molly!!!!
• 9:16 PM: gaelick YAY!!!
• 9:16 PM: click here Molly’s back!!
• 9:16 PM: orange YAY MOLLY!!!
• 9:16 PM: gaelick Shane is bowled over
• 9:16 PM: click here Go for it Molly. In for the kill.
• 9:16 PM: orange Now, Molly, be sure to inform Shane that Jenny is a treachorous hoe-bag who hid Molly’s letter in the attic.
• 9:16 PM: Annie Aura Molly is dating WhatAMess it seems and it’s not Shane
• 9:16 PM: click here Shane’s a ho-bag, anyway, so she’ll so shag ya
• 9:17 PM: orange Have to stop watching keyboard and fawn over Molly
• 9:17 PM: click here Oh no, Molly!
• 9:17 PM: gaelick letter? night? jacket?
• 9:17 PM: orange Shane’s gonna drop her Kilkenny Design reject pottery
• 9:17 PM: click here Yep, I remember that. Molly looked hawt.
• 9:17 PM: click here And Jenny was a biatch. PMSL, orange!
• 9:17 PM: orange Molly = hawwwwwwwt
• 9:17 PM: Annie Aura I love those conversations in Woodies of a Sunday….
• 9:17 PM: gaelick Shane and the fart-acting
• 9:18 PM: click here The jacket that’s up in the attic!
• 9:18 PM: click here With a portrait or something
• 9:18 PM: gaelick blink Shane BLINK!!
• 9:18 PM: orange Didn’t you ever wonder where yer shagging jacket was, Shane??? It’s in the attic along with Norman Bates’, a.k.a. Jenny’s, ma
• 9:18 PM: click here Kilkenny Design Cycloptic Tit Monobra.
• 9:18 PM: Annie Aura Murder scene at last….
• 9:19 PM: gaelick Carmen Miranda Bette
• 9:19 PM: orange More like the landscape in the attic. Shane has only been getting skinnier since season 1
• 9:19 PM: gaelick Max max max
• 9:19 PM: orange Helena is gonna drink all of the Patrón ever in this scene
• 9:19 PM: click here C’mon, let’s skip to it. Kill kill!
• 9:19 PM: click here No, Alice, it’s the only thing Max has ever said other than “computer search”
• 9:20 PM: Annie Aura Anyone know what’s going on?
• 9:20 PM: orange Where’s Max’s pick-up truck and 12-year old cusin he’s married to?
• 9:20 PM: gaelick Xena’s thinking “I wonder what Gabrielle is cooking for dinner?”
• 9:20 PM: click here Max, Jenny was a fucker to you! Don’t you remember this season at all??
• 9:20 PM: click here No, Annie Aura, not a clue
• 9:20 PM: orange Not a clue, AA. Schemey Mcschemerson
• 9:21 PM: Annie Aura Mmmm Jenny is swish.
• 9:21 PM: click here Will they be wheeling Barry Manilow onto the set soon?
• 9:21 PM: orange Kit. We need, NEED, you to get Jackie Brown on Jenny’s ass right now.
• 9:21 PM: gaelick I’m hoping for Barry White
• 9:21 PM: click here Yes, Jenny. You are a shit face.
• 9:21 PM: click here More bad soundtrackiness
• 9:21 PM: orange Well Barry does have lesbian hair
• 9:21 PM: orange So does Max actually
• 9:21 PM: gaelick mmhmmm guurrrl
• 9:22 PM: click here More bad soundtrackiness
• 9:22 PM: Annie Aura Crickets and clown eyes…
• 9:22 PM: gaelick product placement
• 9:22 PM: click here You are a liar and a fantasist and an interfering crazy. Don’t make Kit say it again..
• 9:22 PM: gaelick she put it to music/
• 9:22 PM: gaelick how sad it that?
• 9:23 PM: orange Jenny: “You can press play” No, Jenny, she can’t. Remember how successfully (nawt) she accessed her text messages a couple of episodes ago
• 9:23 PM: gaelick Complex = c–t
• 9:23 PM: click here The attic, Shane – THE ATTIC!
• 9:23 PM: orange Shane, love, that jacket went out in the clutter clear
• 9:23 PM: click here And bad synth-cello!
• 9:23 PM: Annie Aura Trombone….or is it a bassoon……
• 9:23 PM: gaelick the attic Shane…the attic!
• 9:23 PM: click here Bongos
• 9:24 PM: orange I reckon cello
• 9:24 PM: gaelick Tim is up there!!!
• 9:24 PM: click here She’s got the letter! And true love rears its ugly head..
• 9:24 PM: Annie Aura It’s not a letter, it’s a map, The Goonies…
• 9:24 PM: orange Oh, Tim. Such lovely arms
• 9:24 PM: gaelick this is like that awful movie The Notebook
• 9:24 PM: click here What else is up here?
• 9:25 PM: click here The negatives!!
• 9:25 PM: gaelick the tapes!!!!]
• 9:25 PM: gaelick the negatives!!!
• 9:25 PM: orange why, yes it is like The Notebook! *bawls many tears so that Jenny may drown in them*
• 9:25 PM: click here It WAS Jenny. Crazy Jenny..
• 9:25 PM: gaelick boooooo
• 9:25 PM: click here And Tina slandered the feck out of her bosses in that restaurant. Oh dear..
• 9:25 PM: gaelick I hope Xena’s not getting paid my the word
• 9:25 PM: gaelick the railings people…the RAILINGS!!!
• 9:26 PM: orange Bette is wearing one of the leftovers from a Garth Brooks album cover
• 9:26 PM: click here Get those cob webs of the light fixtures
• 9:26 PM: orange Her name is Jenny, not “Jinny”, Kit love.
• 9:27 PM: gaelick Kit is so gangsta
• 9:27 PM: click here She gon’ whooop Bette’s ass
• 9:27 PM: orange She’s packin’ an AK
• 9:27 PM: Annie Aura Farkin Jinny….
• 9:28 PM: orange ooh the first song on the soundtrack I like
• 9:28 PM: click here Ooh, messing with their minds, Lucy, nice one..
• 9:28 PM: orange Jenny’s is ready for her world-destroying debut
• 9:28 PM: gaelick god I hate Jenny’s ‘little girl voice’
• 9:28 PM: Annie Aura Jinny, der be good shots up dem stairs sister, lean on dem broken ass railings while you’re at it….
• 9:28 PM: click here Creepy musak and creepy twirly chairs
• 9:28 PM: orange Lucy has been studying Cagney & Lacey
• 9:29 PM: gaelick Tina’s feeling very negative right now
• 9:29 PM: click here LOL!
• 9:29 PM: orange She’s all cut up alright
• 9:29 PM: click here That was reel-y bad, HAL
• 9:29 PM: gaelick the railing!!!
• 9:29 PM: click here The railings are in ribbons!
• 9:29 PM: orange Oooh the missing railing is the same colour as Tina’s cerise catastrophe-top. Coinkydink?
• 9:30 PM: gaelick soon it shall be you Schecter Spectre
• 9:30 PM: orange Jenny is about to be de-railed
• 9:30 PM: Annie Aura Jenny is so dramatic that she will jump and do it all herself. Can’t have any murderess stealing her thunder…
• 9:30 PM: gaelick oohh….good theory AA
• 9:30 PM: orange Bette just went Gollum voice there
• 9:30 PM: gaelick is this an ad for spot cream?
• 9:31 PM: orange Call it folks. Who dunnit?
• 9:31 PM: Annie Aura Dana
• 9:31 PM: orange Aww Timbo! I hope he did it. He shoulda 5 seasons ago
• 9:31 PM: click here It’s Tim, checking in from soaring-career-land!
• 9:31 PM: gaelick Tim!!! You gorgeous!!
• 9:31 PM: Annie Aura Where’s Betty?
• 9:31 PM: click here LOL! – WE LOVE TIM! She IS a nutcase!
• 9:32 PM: orange No Alice, “to err is human, to forgive is divine”. But Jenny is Satan
• 9:32 PM: click here Well done, Shane! You stupid fool.
• 9:33 PM: gaelick to err is human but errrrr……Jenny?
• 9:33 PM: click here We don’t understand, either, Alice.
• 9:33 PM: gaelick Oh my god they killed Jenny!!!
• 9:33 PM: click here Ilene moves in mysterious ways..
• 9:33 PM: Annie Aura The balcony collapses, Shane and Jinny end up in the water, Shane’s inordinate amount of popcorn causes her to float to the surface….Jinny’s rather large, complicated, complex, complan brain causes her to sink…
• 9:33 PM: Annie Aura Viola.
• 9:33 PM: orange KilJenny. It’s a county in Leinster. Or at least one of ‘em should be renamed in the event’s honour.
• 9:33 PM: orange It’s all gone painfully Cluedo
• 9:33 PM: gaelick Max and the mouse-tache
• 9:34 PM: orange It WAS Sounder
• 9:34 PM: click here The dog falls in, Jenny jumps in to save his floofy ass, the end.
• 9:34 PM: gaelick it’s the manny!!
• 9:34 PM: click here Wangus!
• 9:34 PM: Annie Aura This is so complexicated.
• 9:34 PM: gaelick it’s all of Kit’s exes!!
• 9:34 PM: orange Anghus? No one liked you in the end. Why is he in the video? Oh right, yeah, ‘cos Jenny made it and loves the inappropriate
• 9:35 PM: click here I’m your man! Ivan!
• 9:35 PM: gaelick Marina!!!
• 9:35 PM: orange Kit’s ex parade. Oh, and Jodi.
• 9:35 PM: gaelick you still foxy
• 9:35 PM: Annie Aura Marina, that name sounds awfully like water….
• 9:36 PM: orange They’re talking over their own tribute video.
• 9:36 PM: click here OOOOh, Carmen.
• 9:36 PM: gaelick she so sexy
• 9:36 PM: orange Mmmmmm, Carmen.
• 9:36 PM: click here Random fact – Sarah Shahi is descended from the Iranian royal family.
• 9:36 PM: gaelick we can’t see her bootay
• 9:36 PM: click here True story.
• 9:36 PM: orange Hawt factoid, clicky!
• 9:36 PM: click here Yup, the Qajars
• 9:37 PM: orange Max is Luigi from Super Mario Bros! How did I not see that before!
• 9:37 PM: gaelick It’s jenny she’s writing again!!!
• 9:37 PM: click here Worst. Finalé. Ever.
• 9:37 PM: click here It’s Lucy Lawless!
• 9:37 PM: Annie Aura Aw Jinny, you big Drama Queen.
• 9:37 PM: orange Thankfully everyone had an alibi being in the living room. A motive too, but most impoartantly an alibi.
• 9:37 PM: gaelick I’m still waiting for gabrielle
• 9:38 PM: orange So it was Sounder or Angelica?
• 9:38 PM: click here Not that that helps Alice
• 9:38 PM: click here It was Nikki!
• 9:38 PM: gaelick oohhh…Niiki like bush
• 9:38 PM: orange Nikki in the bushes? Wouldn’t be the first time.
• 9:38 PM: click here The first one who “was going to kill Jenny”!
• 9:39 PM: orange So Nikki did it either. Or Tasha?
• 9:39 PM: Annie Aura Jinny was killed by the collective will of L Word fans it seems….
• 9:39 PM: gaelick spot on AA
• 9:39 PM: orange Couldn’t have been Tasha. She was too busy working through her issues. And by “issues” I mean Jamie’s undercrackers.
• 9:40 PM: orange well put, AA
• 9:40 PM: click here Oh God, Jenny keeps talking despite it all
• 9:40 PM: Annie Aura They all look so sad…Shane was trying not to laugh behind her towel…
• 9:40 PM: gaelick we’ll never forget you either…..ohhh…popcorn
• 9:40 PM: orange Aww Jenny’s on the tellybox but nobody’s watching.
• 9:40 PM: click here That’s it? You are taking the piss, Chaiken!!
• 9:40 PM: orange Gotta say I like that ending
• 9:40 PM: orange You’re chaiken the piss
• 9:40 PM: click here NO! Orange, get out
• 9:40 PM: gaelick slo mo!!
• 9:40 PM: orange Maxami Vice!
• 9:40 PM: gaelick boom shakka
• 9:41 PM: click here It’s some 1970s cop show. ..Or just max
• 9:41 PM: Annie Aura Aw that was brilliant. What happened?
• 9:41 PM: gaelick Resevoir Dawwwgs
• 9:41 PM: gaelick Alice is well chuffed
• 9:41 PM: gaelick they all are!!
• 9:41 PM: click here Pam Grier does a Jackie Brown. Loving it
• 9:41 PM: gaelick Jenny-free
• 9:42 PM: orange On that end-of-series slow-mo walkout, I wish someone would have reminded Helena to wear her bra INSIDE her dress!
• 9:42 PM: gaelick you so hawwwwt Bette
• 9:42 PM: click here Thank god, they all seem to say, we’re no longer bound to Ilene by that evil contract
• 9:42 PM: gaelick sponsored by the ADA -American Dental Association
• 9:43 PM: orange The string section sounds like it’s beating the holy hell out of the theme tune. With Jenny out of the way, it’s time to kill the theme tune too!
• 9:43 PM: Annie Aura Great, now where’s my chipsticks.
• 9:43 PM: click here You should thank us – no one should thank YOU for the last six seasons, Chaiken!

No related posts.

We’ll bring our instant, primal, gut reactions to the latest load of nonsense foisted upon lesbian telly land by Ilene Chaiken – and (technical glitches permitting) you can contribute your thoughts, as we go.

We’ll be settling down at 7pm GMT this Monday (9th March 2009), so stay toooned!

No related posts.

Poopy Party: “I don’t like the look of it!” No, not the screams of thousands of lesbians watching the show but the opening strands of the Oopma Lumpa song from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. It tuns out that Jenny is continuing down the road of inappropriate behaviour by throwing a baby shower for Max. It’s in the style of Willy Wonka so all of our gals are decorating Shenny’s place with oversized ‘candy’ and singing along out of tune, with Jenny overseeing events. It turns out that this is Max’s favourite story; Jenny remembers that but not his gender?

Bette questions how appropriate the party is – yay! – because kids get killed in the movie – boo! – according to Jenny, however, they don’t get killed, they get punished. Foreshadowing anyone?

Herr Jenny asks where the Willy Wonka bars Alice promised are, to which Alice replies with a joyfully raspberrying balloon.

Alice to Shane: I wouldn’t have made them if you told me what is was for.

Shane, in munchkin voice after sucking helium from balloon: What to you want me to do about it?

Alice, after doing the same and who sounds like a chipmunk: I want you to dump her.

Shane: It’s not that easy Alice.

What? How many women have you dumped in this show? Seriously, how many? and jus when did you find it difficult? You left Carmen (drool-enducing Carmen) at the alter and you seemed to recover pretty quickly. And this is Jenny; annoying, petulant, spoilt brat, ego-centric Jenny! You’d think it’d be a pleasure. Well it would for the viewers.

Our pouting, lolly-licking brat sqeacks up to Jamie (the future filling in the Talice sambo) and asks oh so sweetly what the hell she’s doing there. Tasha does the ‘she’s with me’ thing and I kinda melt. Cross her Jenny, g’wan!! Apparently Jamie is going to help Tash with her endurance training later. Oh nurse…

As Jenny continues to boss people around, Dylan and Helena arrive at chez Shenny (I nearly said ‘come’ but that was last week). They’re all loved-up and cute in that ‘we just got together and never want to leave bed’ kinda way. Cute!

As they enter the house, the music becomes strangely lift or on-hold like. Not as bad as Betty mind you. Dylena ooh and ahh at the decor for which Jenny takes full credit of course. I wonder if she got half a mill for that too?

Jenny: You both look very happy together. I’m very happy for you both.

Dylena, to each other: So am I, I’m very happy.

Jenny: I’m really really very happy for you both.

Repeat it often enough and maybe it’ll sound sincere. As Happy Helena goes to get them a drink, you know what’s coming though, don’t you? You just know she has to ruin everything.

Jenny: You passed the test with flying colours. I’m so happy for you. We were watching you and we saw how at Hit you rebuffed Nikki Stevens even though she could have helped your career.

Oh god.

Jenny: It was just so incredible.

Yes it was…completely incredible, unbelieveable and badly written. Kit starts to smell the shit that’s an inch from the fan. As Happy Helena arrives back to drinks and a smile, Dylan questions her. And Jenny fills her in. Much to the horor of every person in the room. Helena gets to prove that looks can’t kill immediately but may cause a fatal injury. Helena becomes suspect number who-cares as she runs after Dylan throwing this dittie over her shoulder to Shane:

I’m going to f—ing kill your girlfriend

It’s at that moment that Max, poor Max, arrives and everyone shouts ‘surprise!’

Credits: Waking, washing, dressing, driving, working, driving, talking, sleeping. Well that’s the way I live…

Freak out: Max has finally become what Ilene Chaiken obviously thought he should – a circus freak. He is placed on a throne, given a balloon (not pink surprisingly) and made wear a ridiculous Willie Wonka hat. when Jamie goes to introduce herself, Jenny sighs dramatically and says in a dramatic ‘under my breath’ way;

Jenny: She’s the only non-friend here.

No, you are not a friend. To anyone but manatees and the voices in your head.

When will we three meet again: Alice, Tina and Bette are whispering to each other about the excrement Jenny spread a while ago. Tina suggests that Jenny didn’t mean it to be so malicious.

Alice: Oh yeah, no Jenny’s not malicious.

Bette: No not at all. Just completely and totally evil.

Tina: Ok, she’s malicious.

As the party continues everyone becomes hypnotised by the on-hold music and start to act as inappropriate as Jenny. They’re playing a cute game of ‘guess how big the belly is’, all measuring Max’s tummy to see who is closest. Most of the group decide not to measure Max but Shane does, while apologising.

Now if everyone is uncomfortable with this and Shane even apologises, why are they going along with it? Jenny’s joy isn’t childish, it’s maniacal – you can practically hear her sqeeee.

More games ensue, including one called Chocolate in a Diaper which Americans are welcome to keep as their own. Talk turns to the baby and how Max is doing. He says he misses Tom and maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if he were there. Poor guy. There is a chorus of comments suggesting that Max “f–k Tom”.

Alice: You know, I’m sorry to say this but what an asshole.

Maybe ladies, you should shut up and listen? He obviously needs friends right now, not judges. What am I saying, this is the L Word where friends = people you drink and sometimes cry with.

Tina steps up and says that Max shouldn’t worry. Apparently as soon as the baby is in his arms he’ll know exactly what to do. Have a sleep would be my advice. Max seems moved, maybe it’s wind.

In the kitchen, Jamie and Shane are having some whakkie-bakkie and a small flirt until mother superior arrives and spoils their fun. It’s your turn for the game Shane!! WOOHOO!!! Shane runs with gay abandon into the living room and jumps up and down excitedly squealing “my turn, my turn”.

Not.

Jamie leaves the oddest couple in oddville to themselves and a chat about Shane’s flirting. Apparently Jenny doesn’t care that she was flirting and here comes that oh-so-tweet voice:

Jenny: Guess what?

Shane: What?

Jenny: I got you a present. I made you something.

Shane is excited and wants to know what it is. The rest of us fail to care.

Back at party central Jenny declares that it’s time for presents and cake “momdad”. What? Momdad?!?!? And this is a person you supposedly care about Jenny? HIS name is Max. It ain’t that difficult.

The presents are opened. From Kit: Two baby outfits, on with a rocker baby on the front, the other with a divil. Cuuuute. From TiBette: A buggy, or stroller as they call them in the US of A. It has detachable car seat and all sorts of bells and whistles, including a place for your coffee which they feel the need to mention twice. That thing could cost over a grand here. I thought Tina lost her job?

Tina and Bette start to ask about Max’s birthing plan. What? Don’t you go into hospital and have the baby after hours of agony? Isn’t that the plan? Bette and Tina start to talk about the dark arts of the labour ward, managing to include the words ‘ripping’, ‘cutting’ and vagina in the same sentence. Shiver

To change the subject, and to allay Max’s horror, Jenny insists he open her pressie. Two words. Breast. Pump.

At this stage I would like to refer to Click Here’s inciteful investigation of the legal process, in last week’s recap, and agree with her assessment – justifiable homicide.

What the hell are you doing Ms Chaiken? Are you trying to make a laughing stock of the only trans person on television? Is it not enough to get him pregnant but you use every opportunity available to try to convince us, and him, that being trans isn’t an option for a happy life. Nature will punish you!!!

Not only that but he has Jenny as his best mate? Oy vey..

Anyhoo, back at party headquarters, Max is about as comfortable as Daniela Sea in an acting class, so Alice decides to make a speech.

Alice: Hoo, big day huh? Listen, mister, you’ve had the unusual benefit of knowing what both sexes go through and how they love and all of those kinds of things. and, because of that, you are going to be a very caring, a very fantastic father.

Nice Alice, however, may I point out that Max was never a woman. Moira was a man.

Alice: This world can be harsh. You know that more than any of us. But that’s given you knowledge and knowledge is something you can impart to your child. It’s going to help the two of you on this journey you’re going to make together.

This is when she should’ve shut the hell up, but this is Alice.

Alice: Sure it’s great to have two parents. Like Hello! (pointing to a cuddling TiBette) exhibit A. two adoring parents. But listen to this Max, you being alone is better because you don’t have to go through all that bullshit. Y’know having to figure it all out with somebody else.

As she rambles on, Jamie asks Tasha what Alice is doing.

Tasha, grinning: Doing what she always does. Just watch her she’s on a roll.

she sure is. Oblivious to Max’s growing discomfort, Alice says that she hopes the child grows up to have values, to be able to stand up to his/her girlfriend, to grow up not to be a thief. Thinly-veiled accusations for your pleasure. Alice rolls Max all the way to breakdown.But then you’d lose it if you had to wear that shirt.

Max kneels in front of TiBette and asks them to take his child. Shock! Who knew that would happen? What a cunning, unforeseen plot twist!

As he stands up and starts to hyperventilate, there are cries of:

Is she ok?

Is she going to throw up?

Get her Xanax!

Jenny: Ok people! She’s pregnant! You can’t give a pregnant lady grugs.

Until finally, FINALLY, Max shouts:

HE! He’s pregnant ok?! I don’t want to do this.

that last part was said in a particularly whiney voice but hey, if I get pregnant I’ll expect to be whiney.

No beard, no weird: Next we see Max in the bathroom. The camera pans slowly up his body, carassing the curves of his pregnant belly. He’s looking in the mirror and begins to shave. Coz, you know, the only problem Max has is that he has a truly terrible beard. One shave, to smooth cheeks and presto! he’ll be fine. Really. Go with it.

Baby mamas: Tibette are in Joyce Wishnea’s office. She’s delightedly telling them about her upcoming nuptials and dropping Gavin Newsom’s name like it matters. Our two ladies are running through the legalities of the new babóg coming to live with them.

One of the writers is obviously a huge Tina Fey fan (who isn’t?), because, in an hilarious turn of events, it turns out that the child’s birth-mother needs to have the baby in LA. So, wait for it, she’ll have to live with them. You can see the pitch-meeting – It’ll be just like Baby Mama without the laughs. We could even get Shane to sleep with her! It’ll be brilliant!

Do they have a machine in the story meetings which churns out arcs when they press ‘random’?

Showered with affection: Our happy couple, plus one, Taliceamy (this is getting tough) arrive home after either a training session or the sweatiest sex EVER. turns out it’s a training session. They faff on about how ‘oh I’m so out of shape’ ‘oh no you’re not, look at you’, blah blah, flirt, flirt when Jamie decides to have a shower.

See this is how you know that this is a show written by women. If men wrote this, the following scene would have ended in a threesome. Involving stilettos.

However, this is about the laydeees, so when Tasha leaves some clothes in the bathroom for Jamie, catching an eyeful in the process, she leaves the bathroom and gives her girlfriend a good seeing to.

When the third wheel arrives out, she hears and waits til they finish before interrupting. And not a stiletto in site.

Hammer it home: TiBette are at home talking to the builder, a woman as butch as Paul O’Connell with a hammer. She’s a charmer too cracking jokes about the work being late and so forth. She also like men which confuses our pair. Conform to stereotypes dammit!! If you’re butch you must be a dyke, you have no choice. So they decide she’s confused. Sweet Jesus, Ilene, I’ve heard of broad strokes in character development but for the love of Martina, stop with the cliches.

Sherie Schecter: You remember last season when Shane said she wanted to do photography? Well, it turns out that that means she now needs a studio. Not a camera or some lessons, but a fully-fitted studio. Courtesy of her lady-love. The scene just brings back memories of when Sherie Jaffe bought Shane a hair salon. Why do people keep buying Shane property? A couple of stone on her scrawny ass would be better.

Shane: I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve any of this.

Jenny: Yeah, you do. You put up with my annoying, childish behaviour and are the most interesting thing about me this season, other than my murder, of course.

Ok, I made that bit up.

Turnaround: Back in the land of the grown-ups, Bette call to ‘T’ (couples’ nicknames are so cute) that the car taking her to the airport has arrived.

Tina: Doesn’t it feel crazy to have Marcie come here?

Yes! It’ll be a zany two-worlds-collide comedy! Anyway, in a wonderful turnaround in their relationship, Bette tells Tina not to worry about anything; she’ll call her from the gallery opening, so Tina is to concentrate on getting some new movie off the ground. Isn’t it great when relationships actually evolve? Like in real life? Sigh……the what-could have-beens are the most depressing part of this show.

Butch McHammer, who has been listening to this loving scene, asks Bette is she’s ok.

Butch: Is your sister going to New York?

Bette: Tina’s not my sister, she’s my partner. She’s Angelica’s other mother.

Butch, who has obviously just arrived in the gayest part of gayland from Mars: I get that your partners, I just though that you were sisters.

Now I love my sisters. But I ain’t kissin em like that y’all. Turns out Butch is going to the opening of the gallery the next day coz “openings are a great place to meet the fellas, and I. Am. Looking!” Poor Bette, the concept of a straight, butch woman is an alien to her as the rat’s tail hair-cut the woman sports.

Broken hearts and misunderstanding: At Hit, Sunset Boulevard is spinning the decks while Helena swims to the bottom of a bottle of liquor. She is approached by Kit who does her “ohhh guuurl, you are a mess” thing. Helena loses it tells her to eff off. Kit sighs and heads over to Sunset Boulevard who has been watching what looks, to her, like a lover’s tiff.

Kit: Helena messed up. She really needs to fix this thing with Dylan. they belong together.

Sunset B: Helena and Dylan? But don’t you love Helena?

Kit: yeah I love her.

Sunset: Then why are you pushing her to into someone else’s arms? You two have more than just a romance, you’re partners. You’re good for each other.

Kit, seeing the funny side: You actually though I was a lesbian?  See my body it doesn’t respond to it’s own kind.

Running her hands up Sunset’s ample biceps she tells him “hoo, this is what I’m talking about”. Kit heads over to sort out a fight Helena has started, leaving a very confused sunset behind.

Openings: Bette, in the most un-lesbian pair of shoes, is with Kelly at the gallery, getting everything set up and basking in the glow of major critics promising to attend the opening. Poor Kelly’s eyeballs are protruding even further out of her head than usual while checking out the delectable Ms Porter. Bette is either oblivious or couldn’t give a damn coz her lady just called from New York. The two of them chat intimately about how proud they each are of the other, when Kelly interrupts to say there is a minor crisis. Bette says her goodbyes to Tina only to be told that the crisis is oyster-related. Will there be enough?

Ok, besides the fact that that ain’t no crisis, whenever you hear ‘oysters’ mentioned on telly, you know there’s going to be a food-poisoning outbreak. OK, maybe that’s just me watching Drop Dead Gorgeous too often.

Bette balks to Kelly that she shouldn’t have gotten her off the phone to Tina for this oyster malarky to which Kelly replies that it didn’t look that important, it seemed like Tina was just checking up on her.

Bette: No, we don’t do that. We support each other.

Kelly: Well then what about tonight? that doesn’t seem very supportive.

Bette, slowly like she’s talking to a child: Kelly, it’s taken us a long time to get to this point. But Tina’s work is just as important to her as mine is to me. And that’s a good thing. it’s good for our relationship, it’s good for our bank account.

Kelly: I’m surprised. She struck me as your wife.

Bette, laughing: No, not a wife.

Hmmm, is this lost in translation? Is ‘wife’ a dirty word for something in the US, or could the L Word be slagging off a woman who stays at home, supports her partner and raises their kids? Toughest job on the planet as far as I can tell. Although maybe that doesn’t work for TiBette, as it’s only since Tina went back to work that their relationship has started to work.

Try some: Jamie owns a loft. A huge, gorgeous loft. How does she afford this? Whatever. Jamie decides to get changed, she also opts to do this in front of a mirror so the girls can see. Just shag already.

Picture perfect: The gallery opening. Lots of people. Photos. Gorgeous smiles.

Kit is looking at what looks like Angelina Jolie off set, wondering who the girls beside her is. She is approached by Sunset Boulevard sans drag gear. She doesn’t recognise him. And that, kids, is what happens if you become an alcoholic.

Enter Jenny.

Jenny, looking over at Bette and Kelly: Look at Miss Bette. They make a very beautiful couple.

Kit: theyr’e not a couple.

Jenny: I know but they look like a couple. they’re both tall.

Huh? People must be the same size to lok like a couple? And that, kids, is what happens if you take mushrooms with strangers in a car.

Over at the catering table, Shane is eating an oyster. Jenny says she hates them because they remind her of a guy coming in her mouth. I will NEVER eat an oyster.

The threesome arrive and Alice cuts through the artistic bullshit immediately:

Alice: looks like a giant cat threw up.

We love you Alice.

Nikki arrives and gets past the paps, straight over to Shane who asks to leave with her. But she has cum in her mouth Nikki!!!

Anyway, back to Kit. She’s looking at a pic and Sunset arrives behind her. Don’t use the line Sunset, don’t use the line! Haven’t you seen Tootsie?

He uses the line

Sunset: I thought to myself, that’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I’d love to take her home with me tonight and wake up in the morning with her arms and legs wrapped around me.

What does Kit do? She throws her drink in his face. Watch Tootsie.

Tri Cycle: Our happy threesome are sitting and chatting when Jenny arrives looking for Shane. they haven’t seen her. Jamie says that she feels sorry for Jenny because she ‘wears’ that she’s been hurt. Turns out Jamie worries that she’ll hurt her kids if she has them. Her parents were tough, but it turns out that Tasha’s were too and the two of the chat about it. Alice looks on, surprised that she’s never heard this stuff from Tasha.

Alice: Well Janie, I gotta thank you. Tasha’s never opened up like that before. Maybe it’s becasuse you’re a counsellor.

Jamie: Whatever I can do to help.

In the words of Kit Porter: Mmhm!

Hurl Friend: Shane and Nikki are at her new studio. She is looking through a view-finder at a pic. This is seduction? WTF? You’re on to a sure thing here Shane, get your scrawny ass going here!

She continues to develop a pic. It turns out the image is of Molly. And it is gorgeous. Seriously, I stand corrected Shane, that is one wonderful picture.

Nikki: You are quite the photog Shane. Maybe some time you could shoot me.

Can I?

They start snogging and Shane does what anyone with a soul would do in this situation, she loses her lunch, on the pic of Molly.

Oyster!!! God, I hope she’s the only one from the gallery who got stung or we could have a disaster for Bette.

Peek-a-boo: Bette is home and paying the babysitter when Kelly arrives sporting goo-goo eyes (as usual) and a bottle of bubbly. She guilts her way into the house and is a bundle of excited energy, pumped up about the success of the evening. Bette is chuffed too but is much more, hey I do this all the time, no biggie.

They crack open the champers and giggle over their success. Kelly starts to do some serious flirting.

Bette: What are you doing? Are you drunk?

Kelly: No, I’m just cashing in on a rain-cheque.

Bette: Well you’d better be drunk coz that cheque expired 15 years ago.

Kelly: No it didn’t.

Bette: Yes it did. Read it closely.

Ha! Kelly goes in for a kiss and Bette pushes her back, knocking over a glass of the bubbly stuff. As Bette clears it up, Jenny is outside peeping in. As you do.

Bette is on her knees in front of Kelly, so Jenny thinks she sees something that isn’t happening. So what does she do? She takes some pictures of course, all the while tutting:

Jenny: Oh Bette

No related posts.

It’s the fifth installment of the final season of everyone’s favourite ridonkulous lesbian drama – Hooray! Will we get any clues as to the cause of Jenny’s (un)fortunate demise? Will we get any clues as to whether Bette dresses in the dark? Will we get any clues as to what the hell is going on with the plot lines?

Mini re-cap: We don’t get the programme’s usual mini recap this week. Typically, we could all do with a reminder of all the twists and turns in this ker-azy dyke drama, but for those of you who fell asleep during the last episode, don’t worry: nothing happened.

As this episode opens, we’re treated to lots of purposeful chatting, murmuring, coffee shop sounds, a filo-fax, a frappu-cappucino and a sticky tape dispenser. Okay..

Hold it! It’s BT2! (And I don’t mean 70% off all items.) They’re wheeling and dealing on their phones and laptops and generally being terribly anti-social towards Alice and Helena.

At least, I think it’s Helena. But she appears to be sporting some kind of Clark Kent-chic look. Viewers may recall that she committed a horrendous fashion faux-pas in episode two, not because the specs were so awful, but because Helena and Kit had made the fatal error of showing up with the same facial accessories. Scarleh!

And is it just me, or does Helena look remarkably like a hot Nana Mouskouri..?

Anyhoo, the whole point of the scene is – unpredictably – to set up implausible suspect number 4862 in the wanting-to-kill-Jenny line-up. Oh, did I spoil the scene for you? No, of course not. What do we have here? Is it a major character swearing vengeance against Jenny, with murder clearly in their heart? Yawn, yes it is – wake up at the back there, folks, while I describe which previously mild mannered character has been pushed to breaking point by Ms Schecter this week…

Anyway, Jenny stole Alice’s idea for a screenplay. Remember? The talk-show host, cop, murder mystery, intertexual-meets-self-parody, sublte-as-a-brick-to-the-face screenplay that Alice drafted overnight? And Jenny got a cool half a million dollars for it.

As Tina summarises the plot of the script, Alice’s face is transformed from that of bored newspaper reader, to puzzlement, to bewilderment, to stunned disbelief, eventually to unbridled and animalistic rage. Guess what? She’s gonna kill Jenny!

Titles: Cue irritating Betty title music that has plagued me for years (“..running, skipping, laughing, running, jumping, climbing up trees, putting on make-up when you’re up there..”). Perhaps now would be the time for viewers to start the drinking game, boil the pot o’ tae, or do whatever it takes to get you through the next hour.

Opening scene: Alice confronts Jenny at Shenny’s place. Please kill her now, Alice! No, that’s just wishful thinking. Alice says her piece, instead, and still looks totally freaked. Jenny is her usual insufferable, self-absorbed, infantile self. This only adds fuel to Alice’s ire. Jenny feigns ignorance when Alice spells out Jenny’s thieving ways: she compounds matters by calling Alice’s “treatment” a “jumble of ideas” and stating that it’s pure coincidence if a screenplay of her own which she’s been working on happens to bear some resemblance to Alice’s work. She claims that she was merely supping from the “idea well” of creativity. Alice is outraged. Jenny’s a liar and a cheater. Kill her now, Alice!

Doooooo iiiiiiiiiiit!

Enter Shane. Alice rounds on her, and keeps it real:

Alice: She’s crossed the fucking line, Shane, she has fucking crossed it. I sw- This is how it’s gonna be. If you continue to shack up with this fucking lying, stealing snake in the grass, I swear to God, I can not consider you to be my friend anymore.

Wanted: Have you seen this woman?

Jenny’s response?

Jenny: I guess she’ll just have to get over it.

Two words: justifiable homicide.

As an aside, Showtime may have somewhat shot themselves in the foot by recently announcing that Alice will be starring in a spin off of The L Word, which will apparently be set in a women’s prison. And what is she in prison for, we may wonder? Could it be something to do with that murder investigation that opened season 6 with such a bang? Hmm.. We will have to wait and see.. Although, perhaps something unexpected – nay, original – may happen and she will be sent down for tax evasion or fraud or something.

We cut to The Planet: Everybody has a Mac, for some reason. Tina is on the phone to Alice (still in her café-office with Bette), who’s giving her the low-down. As she promptly sits down opposite Tina to complete the saga. Thankfully she’s interrupted by a message from none other than Jamie, which prompts giggles. Giggles that are loaded enough for BT2′s ears to prick up. Apparently, Alice is having a “third-wheel crush” on Jamie (sung beautifully by Bette – if only the U.S. was in the Eurovision). All the tell-tale signs are there, it seems:

Bette: It starts when you’ve been dating your partner for quite a while, and you’re starting to grow bored with one another. And then you start fighting all the time.

Alice: We’re not fighting.

Bette: Huh..?

Tina: Wha..?

Alice: I mean, there’s a little bit of fighting, maybe.

Tina: And then you meet a new person.. And then you start hanging out, all the time, the three of you, doing everything together. And you know what? It’s just great. And this new person starts to revitalise the relationship, pouring all this excitement and energy into it.

It can last even a year, they say. Just so long as it doesn’t “tip”.

Of course, as soon as Jamie’s character was introduced to Tasha and Alice’s relationship, I thought the ridonkulous plot line would lead us to a threesome. I really hope that’s not where this is leading..

Bette concludes this redundant plot device by advising Alice: “So you just check yo’self befo’ you wreck yo’self.” As Kit takes her seat and hears this, she expresses a look that can only be described as, “Oh no you di-in’t!” Jeeze, Bette, Kit is the only blaxploitation character here, not you. Get a grip!

Kit neatly segues from Alice’s third-wheel-crush, with a “dangerous bidness” line, to Helena (sans Clarke Mouskouri specs), forcing Helena to admit that she’s having dinner with Dylan. Everyone is understandably surprised. Helena defends herself by saying that Dylan has “colonised her thoughts” (what?) and, frankly, she’s sick of trying.

So, let’s remind ourselves about last week’s bore of an episode: Helena was being all mopey over Dylan, and in a bid to introduce a convenient plot twist take her mind off things, Alice and Tasha decided to send her on a blind date with a then random friend of theirs.

Let’s back up a bit here shall we? Helena would not be relying on charitable offers of blind dates from her mates to help her over the difficulty of the sudden reappearance of a (lying, criminal, manipulating) ex. And why would that be?

Well, we could be here all night with this question, so I’ll just toss out a few ideas:

- Helena is stunningly attractive
- Helena is stunningly rich
- Helena owns a lesbian nightclub
- Helena has a very sexy accent (even an Irish cailín can appreciate that, so I’m sure the Yanks love it even more)
- Helena hasn’t exactly had any trouble meeting women, like ever, throughout this show.. even in prison!!

Helena should really be beating women off with a stick, but no, there she was wallowing over a rogue, and heading gamely over to Alice and Tasha’s place to meet the lovely Jamie.

Anyway, this all inexplicably leads to a scheme being hatched to set Dylan up to be “tested”.

Alice: You guys, what if we had a test that would prove, once and for all, whether Dylan was a sleazy, gold-digging opportunist, or is she this misunderstood, reformed film-maker who just happened to get wrapped up with the wrong guy who made her steal the money?

Good God. Are we in an episode of Scooby Doo?

The scheme has to be like a test of character; setting her up with someone who would advance her career (who in The L Word cast could that possibly be?) to pretend they’re in a big movie and want Dylan to direct it. Then Nikki – oops, did I say that? – could hit on Dylan and see if Helena gets sold out for the big time. Yay!

For some reason, Shenny has to get roped in, too, so Shane will be the one to talk to Nikki and Jenny will impersonate Nikki’s manager. Of course.

The scheme is utterly unnecessary to the programme, completely out of character for those involved, and is a very crude and simplistic way of creating yet more ridiculous plot twists. It even has a voice-over montage when it’s put into action. Dear Jeebus. Someone in Mama Chaiken’s harem needs to start drinking from Jenny’s “idea well”.

Next scene: Ew, ew, ew, it’s the Shenny monster with two backs. Well, it’s close enough to nevertheless make me want to vom. Jenny finds out that Shane went to see Nikki having been roped in to the improbable scheme, and – no surprises – reverts to her default setting of Crazy Jenny:

Jenny: You can’t see Nikki. I forbid it.

Psychotic, controlling, untrusting Jenny. What a catch. She’s just irresistible, isn’t she, Shane? She eventually relents and, in the most insincere possible way, admits that she was wrong and needs to learn how to trust Shane. Trust Shane? Yeah, Jenny’s clearly bonkers..

Cut to posh Hollywood restaurant, with BT2, Evil Kelly Wentworth and Generic Artist Man: Generic Artist Man provides the opportunity to explain – yet again – the almost-fling Kelly and Bette had in college. Bette explains that Tina and she have been together happily, for a long, long time. Keyword: happily. While Bette takes a call, Kelly pushes it talking about Bette to G.A.M., and asks Tina if her shamless flirting with Bette bothers her. Tina’s response is cool and calm:

Tina: Flirt away. I mean, Bette knows that if she were to ever cheat on me, then that would be the end of us. So, if it makes you feel scandalous and sexy to tease her with her co-ed crush, have at it.

That’s it, Tina, keep your enemies close.

The tête-à-tête ends, however, when Tina spots her ne’er-do-well bosses, William and Aaron, entering the restaurant with two screenwriters that Tina had been working with for three years. Close enemies, indeed.

Bette: So, what’s wrong with that?

Tina: I wasn’t invited. That, in Hollywood, is how you know when you’ve been fired.

Jayyyses. Welcome to the recession, Tina.

We skip to the Hit Club – or is it a scene from Sliver? – where the rest of Lez Girls are ensconsed in the security room, preparing to spy on the unsuspecting Dylan. It’s Dawn Denbo’s security system (and not William Baldwin’s), and conveniently for our purposes, there are cameras everywhere and microphones at each table. So, you can hear everything that’s going on in the club, and none of it is drowned out by the decibels of music, or anything!

Shenny enters, and Jenny starts pissing Alice off from the get-go, which prompts a death threat from Alice. Fer feck’s sake, Alice, you’re all talk and no trousers. Get to it, woman!

Dylan enters the club and on the banks of security monitors she looks all lost and vulnerable. Meh. Nikki arrives, and Helena eventually gives the go-ahead for the scheme to kick into action.

Is that Veda Beaux Reves at Hit Club?

And we’re back to the restaurant: after the scowl delivered by Bette at the end of the last scene here, Aaron and William are guffawing their way through their mains.

Bette: ..scum-sucking, fucking miscreant.

I’ve been converted: I love you, Bette.

While Tina takes a breather, RoboBette takes to the warpath. (Rwoarr..) She lets rip at the scum-suckers, but she’s swiftly interrupted by Tina. They are an adorable couple.. But why would you do that, Tina? Why?? Oh, here’s why:

Aaron and/or William: I am so happy to be done with dykes. [Cue cackling.]

Tina: What did you say? … You stupid fucking cocksucker, how dare you sit there with that smug little smile on your face, and wine and dine my writers on a project that took me three years to put together. As if you had anything – anything – to do with it. [To the writers] He said you were talentless hacks. Yeah, and I begged him to hire you. I have put everything into this job, I have poured my heart and my soul and my talent into making you both look good time and time again. And how do you repay me? By stealing my contacts and iceing me.

A and/or W: Tina, keep your voice down.

Tina: Shut your pie-hole Aaron. I have never in all of my life worked for such an idiotic, mindless, juvenile, cruel, pathetic loser of a human being such as you. You are soulless, and you are everything about this fucking Hollywood that I hate.

A and/or W 2: Now, this is really uncalled for..

Tina: Uncalled for? You know what’s uncalled for? A billionaire stealing the negative of his own movie just so he can put in a claim for insurance money. And then to drag my name through the mud, to forge my signature on a letter accusing me of theft and fraud! It’s just downright criminal, William, and don’t think – don’t think for a second that you are going to fucking get away it because I know. I know. Enjoy your dinner.

You know, Tina, you certainly are sure of yourself these days. Plausible character development – I like it! That entire, defamatory tirade will probably come back to haunt her character by the end of the show, but I don’t care: I love you, too, Tina! Can I be BT2′s third wheel?

[Fun fact: Did you know that Wallace Shawn, who plays William in The L Word, also played the character, Vizzini, in The Princess Bride, and that this film was partly shot at the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland? There y'go. 'Tis a small world.]

Back to Hit Club: (Is it just me, or is Alexandra Hedison hawwt..?) The girls have grabbed their popcorn, and Nikki is working her magic (and gets the chance to list what all of us lesbots know about straight starlets playing gay – a little ironic in The L Word, but I like!). Only, wait: as Nikki attempts to execute the “rope-a-dope” manoeuvre, Dylan declares that yes, there is someone special but that it might be affected by something fucked up that she did in the past and can’t undo. Hm. Interestink. As Nikki closes in for the kill, Dylan fends off her advances by saying that she can’t get involved with Nikki: for one, it’s unethical (how noble! And which prompts yet another hi-larious line from Leisha Hailey), plus there’s someone Dylan’s in love with. Bless.

Hang on, Nikki wasn’t finished – she persists by trying to wangle her way into Dylan’s shirt. Dirtee, dirtee fecker! And thrice, Nikki is denied. Whoops from the gallery! Dylan’s not a scumbag!

Helena then joins Dylan in the booth, and Dylan puts her cards on the table about her feelings. Helena suggests that they go somewhere that they can talk. This just happens to be Dylan’s gaff.

Everyone else remaining in the club seems to be dancing and having fun. Except for Jenny who’s in a huff, true to form, this time over Nikki. She’s also being true to form in once again being psychotic, controlling and untrusting, by going through the text messages on Shane’s phone. This lifts the mood between them no end.

We nip over to Dylan’s place: it’s rather nice. Helena’s looking all insecure and Dylan’s wittering on, making small talk, and generally avoiding the big issue. (Didn’t Dylan’s mother ever tell her not to wear a black bra under a white shirt?!) The way that Dylan starts babbling nervously about rubber trees in Thailand is very cute and touchingly genuine, though – haven’t we all done that with someone we are crazy about?

But Helena’s not really interested in rubber trees right now. She’s more interested in the ensuing love scene, which is actually quite well acted, shot and put together, with the only soundtrack being the street sounds from outside. Might it be a contender for best one of The L Word? We shall see. It does, however, go on, and on, and on, and on, and on. For a total of four minutes and two seconds (yes, I counted..).

I suppose that’s a long time in TV land. Because just like that, Dylan Moreland has been transformed, in just one or two quick episodes, from being pantomime villain par extraordinnaire, to contrite, humble, sensitive lover. I could mutter here about consistency and character development, but honestly this is The L Word we are talking about, and lets be frank, that’s not why we watch this show, is it kids?

And again to the club: Shane has escaped Jenny’s clutches and has been driven to havin’ a faaag outside. Nikki sidles up and reveals that she believed the quid pro quo for her involvement in the wacky Dylan caper was a bit of rumpy-pumpy with Shane. Shane regretfully declines (oh, please), saying that if Jenny wasn’t in the picture, then maybe.. (Oh, but that can be arranged, can’t it..?)

Back inside, Jamie is discussing the screenplay idea theft (not her words), but is rebuffed by snotty Jenny who doesn’t even know who Jamie is. Gah! Tasha steps in, though:

Tasha: Oh, kill it, Jenny! Alice brought you an idea, and then that idea somehow ends up in your screenplay? Come on, it’s unethical.

Now, I love you, Tasha! (Maybe I just love everyone now, because Jenny’s character is so repulsive. We all killed Jenny! And we’re not in the least bit remorseful.)

Jenny’s still blustering on in her unique nails-down-a-blackboard way, as Shane returns to the group. Shane promptly gets caught in the middle of a friend-off as Alice and Jenny both compete for her loyalty, or whatever. Shane refuses to pick sides when Jenny demands it, and it seems like she’s sticking to her guns and hits the nail on the head of Jenny’s crazy behaviour; but then she spinelessly capitulates in the middle of the dancefloor as Jenny feigns walking away. Who are you, and what have you done with the real Shane??

Then comes the clincher:

Shane: You’re my dear, darling friend, and I’m sorry. And we’ve been friends way before any of this shit happened. Right?

Jenny: You’re my best friend.

Shane: And, I gotta say, if I had to choose today between this relationship and our friendship, I’d have to choose the friendship.

Yes! Shane! Break it off with that crazy, evil cow!!

Jenny: Uh-huh. The only thing that’s gonna get in the way of our friendship is if something gets in the way of our romanitc relationship.

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo. You evil, fucked-up, shit-head! Eeeviiil!

Oh, Shane, that was your final cue to walk out of there to your freedom, but you bottled it. Again! This is just all so very wrong.

Squeaky singer music brings us back to Dylan’s place: They’re probably about two weeks, now, into their shag-athon (which has only barely gotten going), so it’s no wonder that Helena breaks down in tears. Well, either that, or she’s realising the depth of her feelings for Dylan in this rosemantic and emotional moment. Or something..

Another aside: This episode seems geared up to achieve two things, and is not afraid to go beyond the bounds of logic, consistency and plausibility to achieve it:

1) Dylan must be found to be a suitable love interest for Helena after all. Thus the gang think up a crazy madcap scheme to test her loyalty and sincerity to Helena, who apparently is the love of her life now.

2) Perhaps realising that there are only three episodes left after this, the writers have Jenny suddenly boarding the express train to crazy town and in doing so, we get two more potential doers of the evil Jenny-slaying deed. Alice and Shane both have good reasons for wanting to do her in after this episode at any rate…

The squeaky singer takes us back to the club for an annoyingly pointless musical interval of the Jamie/Tasha/Alice dance sandwich, and a not all too happy-looking Shane leaving, while Jenny and Nikki exchange slow-mo glares.

Right you are, so.

No related posts.

Warning: Contains Spoilers!

We’re halfway through the final season and this episode is perhaps the weakest so far. There’s plenty of extraneous dialogue and scenes which are too long or somewhat repetitive. Also, for some unrevealed reason the L Wordettes seem to be in a perpetual state of grazing and lounging around The Planet but more on that later… 

Shenny for your thoughts?

Max: There’s no escaping them

Tom, Max, Alice and Tasha are having breakfast in The Planet and just when they thought they’d escaped Shenny back at the house, Shenny walk in the door. The four marvel at how enamoured with one another they are. As Tasha puts it, they are:

Tasha: Like white on rice. 

Alice jubilantly celebrates Tasha’s first foray into gossiping. Uh-oh, looks like TAlice are clutching at straws in the relationship. Jenny saunters over:

Jenny: [to Max] How is the beautiful mother-to-be?

Oh look, a new record! 38 seconds into the episode and we all want to kill Jenny for her trademark wildly inappropriate and shameless condescension. This enquiry garners a silent single-finger salute from Max. Tom has to spell it out for the guiless nitwit that Max doesn’t like to be referred to as “mother”. Gee, how unexpected for an FTM who has struggled every inch of the way with his transition. Jenny begins to persevere. Tom too looks ready to knock Jenny’s head off.  Even Shane’s recent wallpaper-like presence steps up in an attempt to shut Jenny the hell up. But too late, Jenny is already in a full-flow “embrace the sisters of the earth” style testimonial to Max’s unmistaken femininity, breasts ‘n’ all. Max is suitably upset,  infuriated and driven from the table. Well as much as Daniela Sea can portray him to be. 

Max: I hate these tits and I hate these f—ing hips and I hate Jenny Schechter!

Ah so… Max is this week’s examined suspect. Hmm, anything’s possible with poor Max’s abundant supply of hormones for the next few months.

Credits: Loving, laughing, lying, cheating… ooh, Alexandra Hedison will be appearing in this one. Goody!

Brunchtime banter: Alice and Tasha are by now thankful that Jenny mentioned the pregnancy because apparently, everyone has been dodging any mention of it. Although, that’s a bit odd since BetTina are angling for an adopted baby and Max and Tom are carrying a pregnancy to term that neither of them want… Someone is trying really hard not to connect the dots here. Then Alice either gaffs with a pronoun or is being overtly transphobic:

Alice: When is she due?
Shane: He!

What’s the deal with Alice (the community advocate) and Jenny (who held Max’s fundraising party for his transition a couple of seasons ago) suddenly indulging in transphobia over lattés? This particular story development doesn’t seem too convincing. 

In the midst BeTina talking about an upcoming excursion to some dustbowl town in Nevada, Jenny has an epiphany about the identity of the film negative thief.  Jenny claims to have been struck by the idea that William the producer stole the film. Oh how I wish, she would be struck again. With a blunt object. Repeatedly. Until she loses consciousness. Wishful thinking aside, Jenny proffers titbits of a telephone conversation she overheard William having which pointed towards a dodgy insurance claim. With that, Bette takes her leave from the table to join Kelly Wentworth for a lunchtime business meeting. Tina couldn’t look less impressed about Kelly’s arrival unless Kelly hopped onto the table and defecated in Tina’s skinny frappuccino. She then with visible restraint fills the others in on the historical connection between Bette and Kelly, e.g. They were dorm-buddies back in college when Bette was a Masters student and Kelly a first-year undergraduate. She omits to mention that she has cause to believe Kelly is a scheming hoe-bag. Oh Tina, how much trouble can a former fling-cum-millionaire nouveau actually cause. What was her nickname in college again? “Juicy”. Oh right. Erm, anyway. Tasha then asks Tina why they’re taking the trip to Laughlin, Nevada. Tina then informs the group that there’s a potential baby with African-American parentage and the pregnant woman is fully aware of same-sex parenting scenario. Kit enters and spots her sister dining with Kelly Wentworth, a.k.a. “Juicy” Freemont. She makes pleasantries and then seats herself with Tasha, Alice, Tina, Shane and Jenny for a prime vantage point on Bette’s appointment. Kit is dishing the backstory on “Juicy”, referring to her as a “B.I.T.C.H” and a “vixen”. Oh, and it appears that Bette forgot to mention that she nearly killed herself over “Juicy” back in college. While Tina is processing that bombshell, another of the brunette variety walks in the door. Dylan has arrived. Kit marches over to cut her a new one and after a brief exchange comes back over to inform Tina that Dylan has a meeting with her.

Kit: What is going on here tonight?!

You said it, Kit! Has some malevolent force of nature imprisoned them in The Planet? So far, there has been breakfasting, brunching, lunch-meeting and now pitching over coffee. Looks like The Planet should be renamed The Vortex. The Citywest conference rooms don’t see this much activity! Oh wait, Kit was referring to the apparition of Dylan and Kelly.

Daddies not-so-cool: Max and Tom arrive for a parenting class. But this time it’s not in The Planet. A minor spat over Max fidgeting with his chest bind. In the class, all the talk and 3-D models of vaginal openings clearly make Max and Tom uncomfortable. Uh-oh, looks like trouble’s brewing for the Daddies-to-be.

Resisting The Planet‘s gravitational pull is futile: Bette and Kelly are still dining but judging by the dimmed light, it’s now the evening time. They are talking about artists currently setting the art world on fire. Kelly asks about an exciting new prospect, Liz Kraft. Bette shares that she included that artist in the Provocations show when she worked in the California Art Center (You may remember that Bette also included Candace the carpenter on that project and did more than talk timber with her. Hmm, a veiled reference to Bette’s prior infidelity? While she’s dining with “Juicy”? Bizarre how Tina’s subsequent dalliance has not been referred to yet this season but Bette’s being flogged for hers in every episode). Kelly then says something which is unfathomably contrived: 

Kelly: It’s amazing to me that you’ve always had this passion. And you’ve just stayed true to it. It’s something that I’ve always dreamed of being a part of.

What does she want to be a part of? Between Kelly’s bulging eyes of enthusiasm and convoluted rhetoric, I’ll be so surprised that Bette doesn’t see through her. Although Bette does reality check Kelly by quickly retorting that having “a shitload of money” could help her be a part of “the passion”. Kelly’s facial expression is perpetually one of awe in the presence of some adored enchantress while she rattles on about how she has been in love with contemporary art ever since Bette TAed her class in Yale. Thanks for giving us hypoglycemia, Kelly. Elsewhere in The Planet, Tina is trying to figure out what the hell Dylan is playing at:

Tina: What do you want?
Dylan: I’m not going to lie to you, Tina…
Tina: Well, it’s too late. You already did.

Bam! Tina is having none of Dylan’s sneaking and conniving. Dylan gets straight down to it. She is sorry for betraying Tina’s confidence in her as a director when she was working with Shaolin Productions all the those years ago but here’s the clanger:

Dylan: Helena is the love of my life… and I would give anything for another chance to be with her.

Tina reads between the lines that Dylan is looking for a co-conspirator to win Helena back and maintains she will play no part in it.

Back to the gushing font of Bett-ification: Kelly is now fanning Bette’s ego by imploring Bette to introduce her to her many, fabulous artistic connections. Kelly would like people “to pay attention to what [she's] creating here.” Please spare us the histrionics, Juicy. Oh no, Bette succumbs to the flattery and gushes back:

Bette: Well, I don’t think that you have trouble getting people to pay attention to you.
Kelly: [eyes bulging with delight] Then point me to who I should pay attention to.

Bette sheepishly averts her eyes from Kelly’s gaze. Oh no, looks like Bette has a schoolgirl infatuation on her college crush. Kelly is still pressing for that insider information on the contemporary Californian art scene. Bette offers her a proposal: That they work together. As partners. Hmm, why would the word “partner” sound familiar to Bette? Oh right, yeah, that Tina chick is her other “partner”.

The slumber party at The Planet continues as Tina updates Helena, Tasha, Alice, Jenny and Shane on her meeting with Dylan. Apparently, Dylan is now an out and proud gay filmmaker with her own production company—”Do Ask, Do Tell Productions” no less—and an accepted film in L.A. OutFest, hence the sudden reappearance in West Hollywood. The gathered gals balk at the audacity of her newfound status as a gay filmmaker and Tasha rips up the business card while Helena nearly does herself an injury trying to strain her eyes for a sneaky glance at the contact details on the card. Then Alice announces that they have to set Helena up with someone new. Excellent, unfortunately the viewer has to experience the prolonged thinking and chin-stroking process in real time. Finally, Tasha suggests Jamie who we met in the Gay & Lesbian Center in the last episode. Alice and Tasha gush about how splendiferous Jamie is and then quibble about who gets to call her. And then they call her. And both talk to her. And this scene still hasn’t cut away to paint drying on a wall somewhere else in The Planet or something equally more fascinating. While Alice and Tasha are laughing at all of the hilarious things Jamie is saying (which we cannot hear), Helena pours herself a vodka. Mine’s a double, Helena. Tasha and Alice are so excited about hosting a dinner-date with Jamie for Helena, that they don’t even notice that she 1). has not so discreetly pocketed the remnants of Dylan’s business card, and 2). is brimming with about as much excited anticipation as a piebald in a glue factory.

Clutter-byes: Evidently, Jenny’s supposed working-from-home of late has actually been time spent watching Oprah, Dr. Phil, et al and notetaking segments on “Surefire Ways to Enslave Your Lover”. She suggests to Shane that they should perform something called “Clutter Clearing” in their respective closets. Jenny explains:

Jenny: So, the concept is that you clear out your house and your life and it’s a really good thing to do when you’re starting a new project or a new relationship.
Shane: Or when you want to get rid of your shit. 

Shane is reluctant but Jenny pushes on and attempts to expunge all tenuous linkages to Shane’s former flings from Shane’s wardrobe. Jenny pushes Shane too far and Shane abandons the project because she “doesn’t believe in changing people”. Right there with you, Shane, but before they gave up on the Clutter Clearing endeavour, could they at least have disposed of that raggedy wife-beater Shane is wearing in this scene?

BeTina having Lover’s Tiff #1,029:

Bette: You know what, Tina, I’m just not going to spend the rest of my life on probation.

BeTina are squabbling again, however indirectly, over Bette’s past infidelity while packing for the upcoming trip to Nevada. This time the argument has emerged because she didn’t consult Tina before taking the new job and Tina is not comfortable with Bette working closely with Kelly.

Clutter Clearing, Not so Endearing: Jenny is persisting with this pseudo-therapeutic cleaning exercise and is now delving into Shane’s wardrobe. A t-shirt from her former salon (before Paige allegedly burned it to the ground) hits the floor, as does an shirt belonging to Sherry Jaffe’s (the Beverly Hills housewife), but Shane draws the line at a couple of t-shirts from her Carmen era. Earlier, Jenny insisted on hanging onto a scarf from her time with Marina and yet she finds it unfathomable that Shane would want to hang onto a couple of tshirts. Come on, Jenny! Look at what she’s wearing! You couldn’t deny her a couple of tshirts when she’s wandering around the house in threadbare vests.

Welcome to Nevada: BeTina arrive in Nevada, still discussing the new job with Kelly Wentworth and their growing debt from the refurbishment of the house and Tina’s uncertainty of her continued employment with Shaolin. They quickly reach an accord, kiss and make-up.

Mexi-can I come too?: Shane arrives for lunch with Alice in a Mexican restaurant late but Alice is occupied because she’s on the phone to Jamie again. And then spends the following five minutes extolling the virtues of St. Jamie. Alice is clearly smitten with Jamie and Shane is wise to it. Jenny gatecrashes the lunch much to Alice’s visible annoyance. It is clear that Jenny’s attempts to cling to and control Shane are becoming more frequent.

Nevada One You Expect: BeTina meet the pregnant woman, Marci, who may be carrying their future adoptee at her home. The house lies in a modest cul-de-sac and large barking Alsatian halts them as they attempt to enter. The message to the viewer is clear: Here lives white trash. Marci already has two children with indeterminate paternal lineage but comforts them with the knowledge that she knows who the father of this baby is but asks them not to mention him in front of her mother and stepfather because they would freak out if they knew the baby would be half-African-American. Before the meeting concludes, Marci’s mother and stepfather arrive home early and cross-examine BeTina. Bette somehow misinterprets the hostility towards their familial arrangement as polite enquiry and also completely misses both Marci’s crestfallen face and Tina’s subtle nudges urging her to cease all further discussion on marriage equality and gay adoption. BeTina are told to leave amidst the simmering tensions.

Dinner for Three: Alice and Jamie are preparing dinner in the kitchen. Lots and lots of lingering eye contact and smiling takes place over. Jamie says Alice should come work at the Gay & Lesbian Center because the kids admire her. Alice is clearly flattered semi-agrees to it.  

Boys Night in Hit: Kit and drag DJ Sunset Boulevard are surveying the dancefloor and chatting about Kit’s miserable track record with men. 

Sunset Boulevard: Honey, anybody who messes with Kit Porter’s heart is going to have to answer to Sunset Boulevard and that is not something I recommend.

Could romance be afoot? Lord knows, Kit loves the chivalrous types. Well, until they turn out to be complete dogs.

The Fourth Wheel Arrives: Helena arrives at Alice and Tasha’s for dinner and immediately the bubbling chemistry among Alice, Tasha and Jamie simmers down. And you just know this ain’t gonna work out.

More Trouble for Max and Tom: Max arrives in Hit to find Tom chatting and exchanging phone numbers with a strapping dude. Tom refuses to apologise for “just being friendly” and flattered by the attention. He takes his leave when Kit pops over to see how they’re enjoying themselves. Kit has a few consoling words for Max about his beleaguered masculinity and fear of impending parenthood. Feeling somewhat comforted Max seeks out Tom and apologises for his behaviour, citing the fluctuating hormones and the affront to his identity pregnancy brings as the primary source of his frustration but he loves Tom and can’t wait to start a family with him. Tom listens attentively but says nothing in response. Dum, dum dum…

Happy Families: Alice, Tasha and Jamie are perusing and chuckling over childhood snaps of Alice. Wait, where’s Helena? Oh there she is-somewhere in the background and totally out of the conversation. After looking at the photos, the conversation quickly evolves into “Do you want kids? How many?” And though none of the three on the couch have children, they fail to remember for a couple of minutes that Helena actually does. Helena accidentally over-shares that she lost custody of her children in a court battle, in which Helena’s own family supported her ex. Not exactly the story that impresses a lady. With that, Helena makes a break for the door amid hurried and half-in-earnest “thank yous” and “lovely to meet yous”. The three wheels—the tricycle?—are left to a game of monopoly or scrabble. Hmm, I would have thought a game of Twister would get them to where they need to go.

“Dylan you remember you told me you loved me baby!”: Helena rolls up outside Dylan’s and once she spots Dylan coming home, she runs toward her. Dylan obviously thinks that she’s in for a second round of Helena’s prison-style roughing up:

Dylan: [with hands defensively in front of her] Oh Helena, I’m sorry! I’m sorry I went to The Planet. I just didn’t know what else to do…
Helena: Have dinner with me. 

It’s actually Helena who looks more terrified in this scene than Dylan and once Dylan agrees to dinner, she retreats immediately muttering “F-CK!” to herself.

Shenny-proofing the House: Jenny has a surprise for Shane that she believes will delight Shane:

Jenny: I turned your bedroom into an office!

Shane is clearly appalled by this disturbing development and looks around the room incredulously:

Shane: Are you putting on the crazy Jenny show just to see how far you can push it with me? 

Thankfully, Shane has decided to call Jenny out on this one. But before they can have a grown-up conversation about it, Jenny immediately retreats into a passive-aggressive, self-pitying stance. Oh please, please, please don’t make us sit through Jenny in full-on melodramatic mode. Shane tries to snap her out of it one more time but Jenny persists in the childish routine:

Jenny: Do you hate me?
Shane: No.

Just so she can put Shane on the spot by asking:

Jenny: Do you love me?
Shane: [Pause] I do. I love you. 

*Groan*

And for dessert, we’ll have…: The Tasha-Alice-Jamie trikey is now washing dishes, laughing heartily and generally getting along swimmingly in Tasha and Alice’s kitchen. A plan unfolds pretty quickly to get Alice involved in organising a Dance Marathon for the kids at the Gay & Lesbian Center. Both Alice and Tasha are reticent about getting involved until Jamie implores and embraces each of them individually which seems to have a melting effect on them both and they come around to the idea. 

Kit’s Sun is Rising: Kit and Sunset are still chatting about the various foibles of the XY chromosomal human beings. Kit shares a fantasy from her youth about being whisked off her feet by the man of her dreams. Sunset listens and looks on adoringly. Sunset… you do know Helena is Kit’s business partner and not her bidniz partner, right?

Hitting the Hay: Tom and Max arrive home from the club and Tom is still giving Max the silent treatment. Max is trying to ascertain why Tom is continuing to give him the cold shoulder but Tom remains tight-lipped.

Tom does reveal that Max’s persistent self-deprecation is wearing him down. He then silently watches Max undress for bed in the reflection of a grimy window. 

DJ Angie on the Decks: BeTina are back in their motel room and venting their disappointment about the backwards attitudes they encountered earlier. Angie is engrossed in a variety of electrical appliance-related entertainment in the background.

Bette is mid-outburst about how she’s relieved it didn’t work out earlier because of the “genetic imprint” the child would carry when Marci knocks on the door. They invite her in and she apologises for the earlier events and offers them child regardless. She divulges that the child is a boy and why she wants BeTina to be the parents more than any of the other couples she has met:

Marci: It’s a boy. Which is another reason why I want you to be his parents. ‘Cos this world needs boys who are going to do things different. And I really want my baby to have a chance at that. Y’know, just making this world a little better.

BeTina are clearly delighted at the prospect of having a little boy in the family and it seems that the adoption is back on.

Night Becomes Day: BeTina are both lying awake contentedly contemplating what is about to come next.

Bette takes Tina’s hand gently and reassures her that her outburst from the previous night was a “momentary thing” and not a true reflection of her feelings on the adoption.

All by Himself: Max awakes alone and wanders around the house to find that Tom is gone, along with all of his stuff and the front door is open. Jeez, Tom, if you’re going to walk out on the guy and your kid, you could at least have the decency to close the door after you!

No related posts.

The L Word may be drawing to a close but that doesn’t mean no more from our girls in Los Angeles. As most people who haven’t been living under a rock will know, Ilene ‘Mama’ Chaiken has written a spin-off.

Called The Farm, it will be about the trials (pun untended) of our dear sweet Alice enters the clink. She seems to think this is an episode of Xena in this pic. Maybe she’s afraid she’ll be confronted by The Freak (right). What for we don’t know, but it doesn’t take a huge leap to guess that she’s found guilty of Jenny’s murder. We love you Alice, but why didn’t you do that four years ago?

There are lots of rumours about what will happen, who’ll be in it and so on. Here’s what we can confirm.

The show will be internet-based only, in 20-minute episodes. If Showtime is happy enough, it might make it into a series. The first episode/webisode will take place with Alice arriving off the bus and into chains.

According to those in the know (thelwordonline.com) the main characters will be as follows (feel free to tick off a list of caricatures):

Wade Dawson – gorgeous and dangerous. Think Corky from Bound.

Graciele Martinez – mother-of-two and gang leader. Will probably be the nurturing but hard as nails character.

Margaret Elder – smart, sassy and sexy. No idea what she’s in for but this is one for Alice

Tootsie Freed – druggie with her ear to the ground

And now for the Bad Girl rip-offs:

Valentina Galindo – the mobster. Potentially The Farm’s Yvonne Atkins

Helen Miller – seeker of justice? Nikki

Sheri Silva – tough but a softie. Danny Blood

Herein lies a problem, especially for Irish and British viewers; it’s going to be nearly impossible not to compare it to Bad Girls. Producers have been at pains to point out that it won’t be an all-lesbian jailhouse rock.

“It’s not all lesbians like ‘The L Word,’ ” said Showtime president Bob Greenblatt. “It is more of a sort of mixed group of female characters, some of whom are lesbians.”

A lot of the talk now, though, is about who’s going to get on board. They have already confirmed that the delicious Famke Janssen (above, right) will guest star in the first episode, along with Melissa Leo (left) and Laurie Metcalf who appear as prison guards. I’m thinking Janssen could be the prison warden, but then maybe I’m having Nikki/Helen flashbacks.

We’ll know more as soon as The L Word finishes at the end of the month. So what do you think? Will it be a babes behind bars shagathon, Prisoner Cell Block H with better sets, Oz for ladies or Bad Girls Us-style? What do you want it to be?

Update -  With thanks to Gaelick reader, T, we have exclusive news.

Ok, now first of all a caveat, all of this is unconfirmed. That doesn’t stop us from being damn exciting about it though!

Famke ‘yummy’ Janssen (above right) plays Valentina Galindo – although I had envisioned Famke as Helen Stewart (a vision I’ll keep with me for lonely moments) it looks like the delicious Dutch actress will be playing mobstress with a heart, Valentina.

Yolanda Ross (left) plays Wade Dawson – star of Shortbus and drop dead gorgeous, Yolanda is an up and comer who has been one to watch for a couple of years now. She’ll be well used to playing a lesbian behind bars too, as she won a Breakthrough Award for The Stranger Inside.

Melissa Leo (right) is Helen Miller – Melissa Leo is one of those actresses whose face you’ll recognise and will spend a movie trying to place. She’s been nominated for an Oscar (for last year’s Frozen River) and travelled the world picking up gong after gong. This is one serious actress and a real coup for The Farm.

Laurie Metcalf (left) is Wardern Margeret Elder – Most famous for playing Roseanne’s sister in the 80′s TV show for which she won three Emmy’s, Metcalf has gone on to steal scenes away from everyone from Richard Gere (as a lesbian in Internal Affairs) to Kevin Costner (JFK).

Onahoua Rodriguez (right) is Graciela – Onahoua is a New York Actress who has been building a head of steam on stage productions of Lydia all over the US. The young actress has been ‘one to watch’ for a couple of years now and it’ll be fascinating to watch her bounce off the older actresses,  Leo and Metcalf.

Who’s playing Tootsie and Sherie? We don’t know yet. IMDB, however, have a cast list so keep an eye there to see updates.

What makes this announcement most exciting is that, which such meaty actresses (no reflection on their BMI), surely this must be more than just a run of webisodes? If not, it would be a, very enjoyable, waste of talent.

No related posts.

Apologies for the lack of piccies. As soon as I figure this screen-grab business out, I’ll update.

After last week’s Shennyanigans what will happen? Will it be all doilies and docs, will Shane admit that at it was a sorry-screw or will Jenny decide to study this new side of their relationship until she squeezes all of the fun out of it and writes another piece of tortured shite? Oh she dies! That’s right. Can’t come soon enough.

A word on the title of this episode – there is a lot of laughing, a lot of people saying f–k and Shane’s cheekless posterior.

Tina in Shaolin: The producer formerly known as ‘what was with that dress last week’ is striding purposefully through Shoalin studios. She’s on her way to her boss’s office which we know because she got a message summoning her. As an aside, I think Tina may need glasses…check out the size of the text.  Shoulda gone to Specsavers.

In the boss’s office it’s clear things ain’t peachy in the land of Lez Girls. Summit’s up and Tina’s getting the blame.Turns out the negative of the film is missing. Don’t they have it on disk? Does anyone use negative’s anymore? Tina seems just as confused. Aaron thinks the Schecter has something to do with it but blames Tina coz that makes sense.

Credits: It’s neither the way that we live, or love. But, hey! it’s all we got.

Pillow talk: The camera pans up rumpled sheets to a couple in bed. EW! It’s Shenny, but thank god for small mercies, Jenny and her dawg are covering most of Shane’s scrawny body. They awake and Shane has that look. You know the one. “God please make her speak first so that I can just tell her what she wants to hear”. That one.

Jenny takes her hand away and there is Shane in all her boney glory. Eat something! Oh, you just did – f’narr. Jenny is looking all chuffed with herself and utters those little words we all love to hear whispered over the pillow:

Jenny: I‘m happy we f—ed

Shane laughs and checks that Jenny is sure, which she says she is while circling Shane’s nipple with her finger. You know? The nipple on her ribcage. They start to get down to it but stop when Shane realises that Jenny is wearing the world’s most unattractive knickers. Oh and the doorbell rings. YAY, it’s Alice! They both say that she has the worst timing….millions of viewers couldn’t disagree more.

Heavenly Hailey: Alice knows as soon as Shane opens the door that she’s been doing the beast with the two backs all night. Shane laughs it off but our intrepid heroine is determined. Then from the other room Jenny shouts:

Jenny: Hey little monkey, have you seen my earrings?

Little monkey? They have pet names already? Lesbians, they’ll be moving in together next. Oh…wait. Alice proceeds to steal the scene in what is arguably Leisha’s finest moment.

Alice: Little monkey? You guys super made up.

And then it happens, as Jenny enters the room and she and Shane are so obviously loved-up that Alice cops on. While is dawns on her, the camera pans in as she gets the same look my sister got when I told her where babies come from. Horror mixed with shock and a slight suggestion of nausea.

After the culprits leave the room and can be heard giggling, she all but says “you mean mam and dad did that?!” Something needs to be done….anything to deflect from what she’s hearing from the next room. Poor Alice does the only thing she can think of, she texts everyone the titbit.

Nuclear reactions: Hey it’s the TingTings playing! I love that song.

Helena: working up a sweat on the treadmill when she sees the message from Alice and promptly falls off with a shriek.

Tina: in a boring meeting which makes no sense. She’s listening to a woman and Angela Robinson, director of DEBS and this episode, she rocks- how could she be bored? She glances down to her Blackberry and stops the meeting with “what the faaalllk?”

Tasha: wearing that haaawt suit again, chuckles that gorgeous chuckle of hers.

Bette: in a meeting with arty types who are trying to sound important, she checks her message and laughs openly and gorgeously. Swoon. I heart you Bette.

Kit: looks at her vibrating phone like it’s a snake and doesn’t understand why it’s making that noise or what a text message is. Seriously? The woman runs a club and doesn’t know how to use a phone? Maybe she’s just confused as she’s no chance to say “girl!” in this scene.

Peabody and the busy body: With Shane leaving to do Eric Mabius’ hair (we miss you Tim), Jenny wants a quick word. Shane seems so ashamed of their hook-up that she’s disguised herself as The Cat in the Hat. You also know she’s thinking about the Ting Tings; “shut up and let me go – hey!”

To avoid Alice, they step outside so Alice naturally follows them to eavesdrop. Can I just mention how cute Alice’s ring tone is? A quacking duck – cuuuuute! It’s Helena wanting to know WTF is going on. Alice gives her a blow by blow, so to speak.

Jenny has no expectations of their relationship, wants to set boundaries, yadda yadda. Then they kiss. Alice I love you!!! She’s totally grossed out and tells Helena:

Alice: They’re kissing. Ew..Ew!!

Helena: Alice, you’re being childish. They’re both grown-ups. If they want to get involved with one another that’s totally their prerogative.

Alice: She just said Jenny was a good kisser.

Helena: Ew..hew..hew, oh my god that’s disgusting!

When she finishes up, Jenny asks Alice not to mention any of that to anyone. Alice replies that it’s none of her business. Lol! Nice Alice…

Courtship: Bette is on her way to her office, chatting to Tina on the phone about the events of the few hours. Jodie and Tom are waiting. She finishes up by telling Tina that she loves her while making sure that Jodie can read her lips. Cold – 15, love. She’s also continuing the pirate theme of last week, this time in a femmy pink number.

She asks why Tom is there and Jodie informs her that the ADA (American’s Disabilities Act) allows her have an interpreter, and anyway Bette’s signing was never really that good. Ooh, 15, all.

Bette tells her that they would both agree it’s uncomfortable working together, she needs the department to run smoothly and therefore she thinks Jodie should resign. Jodie refuses. When Bette points out that Jodie offered to resign a few weeks ago, Jodie explains that was because she wanted to save Bette’s ass. But now that she’s no longer in love with Bette, she’s not resigning. Bette says she’ll have to fire her. Ooohh…double fault Bette! That’s sexual harassment.

The spectre of Schecter: People may wonder in future episodes why someone would want to kill Jenny. The following few minutes pretty much sums it up.

As you can imagine, Alice’s duck is quacking like crazy as people need more Shenny news. It’s annoying Jenny who is busy constructing her soap box.

Jenny, holding up Alice’s hand-written work: How long did it take you to write this?

Alice: I just kinda wrote that in a night, just kinda stream-of-consciousness, spit it out.

Jenny, smacking the work down on the table: One night? This took you one night. You people think you can just come into Hollywood and suddenly you’re just gonna make it. And you’re going to just write everything and it’s gonna be great and all in one night. You know what? My work to write a screenplay is a craft. And if you’re going to sit across from me you’re going to have to take it seriously. So this is what we’re gonna do. Pitch it to me – go. I’m an executive ok?

Alice, obviously waking up after wondering when Jenny would shut the hell up, realises that she’s talking to her: Like a pitch meeting. I need to work on this, it’s a good idea.

It’s a story about a super-cool TV show host and a her cop girlfriend who solve a murder investigation. Alice just gets cuter.

Alice: It’s kinda got everything.

Jenny: Except a good idea. That’s not gonna sell. Pretty boring. But you know the heart of this is that it’s just not realistic. These two people would never be in a relationship together.

Bitch! Not alone does she dismiss Alice’s work but also a relationship Alice is working very hard to save. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, could that be a green-eyed monster? Could you be slightly jealous that writing comes easier to Alice and that she’s in a healthy adult relationship? Stream of consciousness, Jenny, it was good enough for Beckett, it’s probably be too good for you. Oh but you had a book published once didn’t you? Well then you must be an expert.

Jenny continues to pour on the pretention, by insulting Alice in a way that I ain’t gonna take. Murder? Yeah, it was me in the pool with a huge satisfied grin.

Jenny: When I hear you in a group of people, I close my eyes and I’m like wow! that girl, that voice! She should be doing cartoon voice-overs.

Alice, as the doorbell rings: I’ve never really thought of cartoons as a career move.

Jenny: You have a unique vocal range that’s right here.

Alice, as Tina screams for Jenny to open the door: Ok! Well thank you so much for the inspiration.

Inspiration? Don’t you mean motive?

Negative response: As Tina enters the house and Alice leaves, Alice tells her not to say anything about the titbit. Tina does the EW! when Alice tells her she saw them kiss. With tongue. Ew!

Jenny makes Tina even more frustrated by grinding coffee beans while she tells her about the disappearance of Lez Girls negative. Poor Tina, thank god she’s a mother and is used to explaining things to self-centred brats.

Tina: We shot on film. The kind that takes pictures. Ok?

Jenny: Ok…

Tina: The negative is the original image, without that you can’t make prints, without prints you can’t screen it in a movie theatre. No one’s gonna see our movie.

Jenny: Are you saying that nobody’s gonna see the movie?

No, I’m saying you’ve been nominated for an Oscar.

Jenny: Oh my god Tina, this film is my whole life.

What? You were fired and they changed the ending. How can this be your whole life? Oh yes, you’re a writer who is living off the glory of having written a book once. A book which inspired a psycho to ruin your life. Sorry, my bad. Anyway, Tina asks if the movie is here.

Jenny: If it’s here? If I stole it? Oh my god you want to know if I stole the movie!

Lord Tina, it’s going to be a long day. Jenny didn’t steal it, she proceeds to rant about how if this film doesn’t come out she’s totally f—ked, that she needs the film to come out so she has any chance of getting a job again. I hope Alice heard! See? She knows she’s shit! Ha!

Fruity pair: As Shane and Alice enjoy a healthy brekkie of fruit and yogurt, Shane tells her that it was a once off thing and she won’t be sleeping with Jenny again. Until the next time. Alice continues to be horrified but now it’s tempered by a healthy does of amusement. Shane leaves to buy beer as requested by her boink buddy.

Shane: I gotta get going. I gotta find a liquor store.

Liquor? Didn’t you?

Battling and behooving: Bette enters Phyllis’ office needing to talk about Jodie. But guess who’s already there? Phyllis feels it “behooves” them to get each side of the story. Jodie has already filled her in, so it’s Bette’s turn. She goes on about how Jodie isn’t interested in authority and as Bette’s “subordinate” she is determined to make life hell for both of them. Subordinate? Didn’t you give out to Tina years ago for using that very word?

Phyllis tells it like it is and tells Bette to stop letting the “dyke drama” interfere with her job. Of course Bette freaks. how could anyone think she is being unprofessional? Maybe because she is? Sorry but come on, you dump your girl and then want her gone? It don’t happen that way. Unfortunately.

Phyllis: When you entered into a sexual relationship with a subordinate, as you call her, you relinquished the right to hire her. Coz that’s what’s called sexual harassment.

Word! Jodie rather smugly says she’s not going to sue for sexual harassment but Phyl is determined that even the whiff of it is unacceptable so tells Bette to cop herself on.

Shenny: Jenny wakes Shane, who’s enjoying an afternoon nap, to tell her that she finished her treatment (physchological?) and “guess what, I was thinking you”. Oh shut up. Then we have kissage, bedroom stuff, ew! Neeeext!

Alice shows them: Ms P is on her show and is about to do her dirt dishing, but she decides to be a smidge more serious. Much to the ‘delight’ of her co-hosts. Another excuse to show just how wonderful Leisha is – from comic gold to serious as a heart attack faster than a speeding bullet.

Alice, reading from letter she received from fan: for the last three weeks by brother, wade, as been on life support. I was in the hospital everyday praying for a miracle but this morning I watched as they lowered my big brother’s coffin into the ground. My brother’s dead because he wrote a love-letter to a guy named Marcus. And Marcus shot him in the face. I’m writing to ask you to please tell your viewers that it’s not okay to hurt gay people.

As you can imagine, Alice’s co-hosts are gob-smacked and her producer is having a fit. What happened to smiley-smiley Alice, the happy gay? She’s taking care of bidness.

Alice: I know I’ve justified outing in the past, saying it’s a political act. I certainly do believe that the world would be better if people felt free and safe enough to be who they really are. But what I forgot was some people choose to stay in the closet for other reasons. One of those reasons is homophobia is alive and well, and oftentimes in this country, it can be deadly.

I know this is all true and serious stuff but it’s so out of kilter with the rest of the episode it rankles. Maybe that’s the point. Violence should rankle at the very least and if this scene has no place in this episode, well violence has no place in this world. Amen sister HAL. Cut to commercial.

Shoutin studios: Tina has been summoned to the office of doom again. This time it turns out that her signature is on the delivery document of the Lez Girls negative. The plot thickens.

Phyllis fancies a porter: Phyl and Bette are in a bar talking about the untenable situation in work. Phyl tells her she needs to resign. They discuss how badly the situation could reflect on Phyl as she’s gay too. She also says that Nadia (remember her? Blondie, long legs, like kids’ books – in the car with Bette?) made a complaint against Bette and Phyl covered for her. Two strikes and you’re out Bette. Phyllis tells Bette she’ll find a job quick smart. Lucky she just met up with an old friend who owns a gallery space that Bette “would kill for”. Sigh, sometimes you feel the writers aren’t even trying.

In a delicious scene which both actresses are obviously loving, Bette tries to drink away the thought of unemployment as Phyllis starts to tell her how much she means to her. And I mean, how much she means to her. Turns out our Phyllis has had a crush on Dean Porter for a while.

Phyllis: Bette, I’ve always found you wildly, exquisitely attractive. You are and will always be the woman of my dreams.

She leans in to kiss her, Bette leans back so far that Phyl falls off the bar-stool.

Flower girl: Kit is looking at flowers (‘oohh girl!’) which have arrived for Helena. She says she wants nothing to do with anything sent by Dylan. I though she said Dylan Moran and had an odd visual but apparently it’s Dylan Moreland. Kit read the card – ‘you’re beautiful when you’re angry’ – and does one of those patented mmhmm smirks. Girl!

P45 number 2: Alice is doing the Hollywood ‘looking through the wardrobe and finding nothing suitable’ routine. She’s been called into a meeting a is going to get fired for her does of the truth on air. Before she and Tasha can argue again, the phone rings. The girl who wrote the now infamous letter is threatening to jump off a ledge. Seriously, there are those writers wanting to leave at 4 on a Friday again.

Alice and Tasha head over to the scene of the potential suicide. The woman who called them says that Alice is the girl’s (Marie’s) heroin. As they head out to the roof, Tasha says that Alice isn’t qualified to, or capable of talking anyone down off a ledge. She could talk me down anywhere. Ooop, sorry.

Alice is slightly peeved that Tasha doesn’t have faith in her, so she storms off to talk the girl down. I’ll spare you the after school specialness of the following scene. Suffice to say, Alice succeeds in saving the girl. No one seems to care that the poor girl now has to get on with her life, depressed and torn. No, it’s all about how worthy the whole things is. Sigh.

LMFAO: At Hit, Kit and Sunset Boulevard are flirting. Is it just me who thinks these two would be great together? Imagine all the ‘girl!’ chances she’d get?

The lads all arrive. YAY!! A group scene!!! How we’ve missed them. Tasha is proposing a toast to Alice:

Tasha: I just wanna say that she really surprised me today, and I’m very proud of her. And I’m very happy and proud to be her girlfriend.

YAY!!! All’s well that ends well, god bless us everyone. Oh no, it’s Shenny in the parking lot, with tongue. Kit sees the potential retinal scarring and runs back to the group where Bette is telling everyone about how she received her P45. Tina is being very understand considering her lady is unemployed for screwing around and she herself is potentially out of a job. Kit arrives:

Kit: I just saw Jenny and Shane in the car. Shane’s hand was all up Jenny’s skirt and Jenny’s tongue is all goin….

Alice: Kit! Kit! You don’t know how to check your text messages, do you?

Kit: Is that what my phone was doing all that buzzing about?

Girl, you gotta read yo manual!

Shane arrives alone. Everyone is trying very obviously not to laugh. Jenny arrives 2.5 seconds later. More badly-disguised snorting. Bette is hilarious! She just can’t help herself. After the crap day she’s had, it’s a kind of ‘if I don’t laugh I’ll cry’ thing. Her chortle is gorgeous and it’s great to see her so out of control – although I’m totally biased.

Shane and Jenny make excuses to check out the VIP area, separately but together. Much to the delight of the all-knowing friends.

Kit’s future lover-man is on stage and asks her to cut a rug with him. She does and looks haaaawt doin it too. Shane and Jenny look on from the VIP area and start to snog. Much to the hilarity of our group who can see every flick of the tongue.

Ew!!!!!

No related posts.

Warning: Contains Spoilers!

Console thineselves, episode two marks the quarter-way-through-point of the very last season. With only six episodes left, what does episode two tell us about the identity or motivations of Jenny’s future killer? Thankfully, not a lot and this episode focuses on the scorching scenes of smut and splendour that The L Word does so well.

Episode two opens in Nikki’s crib: Her entourage are littered around the furniture and in front of the various entertainment centres. Nikki is still steaming about her slap-down from Jenny in episode one and in between tirades, she still manages to find a spare moment to ask a redundant question:

Nikki: “A showmance? I don’t even know what the fuck that is!”

Two of her obsequious ingénues are quick to google the term and read out the Wikipedia entry for Showmance. Because the term is so impenetrably complex that the audience needed it to be explained to them? Oh dear, this could be a very long episode… Anyway, back to Nikki’s eruptions of fury…

Nikki: “She is officially a liar and I officially hate her!”

Nikki proceeds to roust her plastipals from her penthouse and then—alone and clutching the balcony railing—she stares off into the middle-distance resolutely. [Here I invite you to play along at home folks by pressing the mute button and adding a few “BONG!” sound effects to recreate your own Angelus. Parodying The L Word by remixing it with snippets of RTÉ’s religious programming could be a fun new game. Press the mute button anyway, here come Betty and the opening credits.] Vengefully, Nikki warns:

Nikki: “You are dead meat, Schechter. Dead!”

Ooooh, them’s killin’ words! Have we our first suspect? Doubtful, since Nikki’s murderous gaze is likely to be soon distracted by something fluffy and puggle-shaped.

Here’s lookin’ at you, Kit: Over at Kit ad Helena’s new club, the co-managers are picking fabrics for refurbishing the club in a Casablanca theme. Hold up a second though.

We’re all aware that Kit and Helena bought a café together, ran a café together, then bought a club together and are now running a club together but when did they start picking glass frames together and ironing one another’s hair? I’m guessing they’re demonstrating their “we are surrious purrfessionals” enterprising look. Kit flirts with the new DJ, drag sensation, Sunset Boulevard.

In the dungeon of discontent: The Planet may well be serving its peach pie with plastic cutlery while the battle of Jennygrad rages on. Alice is managing to dodge the tension by immersing herself in her MacBook. Shane makes yet another thwarted display of contrition in the form of waffles, which Kit is eager to point out that Shane has prepared herself. Alice’s ducking into her MacBook doesn’t disappear her off the radar. Enlisted to act as go-between messenger in a display of comic genius by Leisha Hailey.

Bette and Tina arrive glowing about the valet service Helena has introduced in The Planet. Tina turns to see Jenny stomping past.

Tina: Ooh, waffles!

But before Tina has finished smacking her lips at the prospect of Belgian breakfast treats, the waffles are demonstratively discharged into the rubbish bin.

Kit: Jenny, haven’t you heard that there are people starving in this world?
Jenny: I’m sure they don’t want waffles, Kit.

Bette and Tina are still standing by the door and playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Bette loses three rounds because she always plays rock. Apparently, Bette is that stunningly allegorical, which Tina has to spell out for her. But avast, me harpies, what is Bette wearing? It looks like Bette broke into Jack Sparrow’s wardrobe while jonesing for some frou frou sleeves. The contest was to determine who would sit with the “martyrs” or the “cheaters”. It’s all so Jets and Sharks.

Tina sits with the martyrs (Jenny, Alice and Tasha) and Bette joins the cheaters (Kit, Shane). As Tina sits down she points out how industrious everyone looks. Alice says that she is writing a treatment for a screenplay. Jenny looks positively murderous at the news. Tina suggests that Jenny should read and give feedback on Alice’s treatment. Both Alice and Jenny could not look any more reluctant unless Tina had suggested that they both dine upon one of Angie’s diapers for breakfast.

All the while, Tina and Bette are exchanging sms updates from the two tables.

Tina firmly plants her Monolo Blahniks in her gob when she asks Alice and Tasha about their upcoming couples therapy sessions. Alice’s indiscretion in telling Tina about the therapy session prompts an already tetchy Tasha to rise from the table and storm out the door. Not the best mood for Tasha to be in for her first day in the police academy. Tina relays the frayed relations on Team Martyr via another text message:

Bette: [Beep, beep] “Uh-oh. Privacy.”

Alice confronts Jenny about the bad vibes currently circling the group and asserts that they’re emanating from her rift with Shane:

Alice: This place is becoming like the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Helena briefly enters, spots the face-off, thinks the wiser, and bolts out the door again.

Kit: [To Helena] Go Switzerland!

Bette and Tina attempt to temper the atmosphere in the room—which is now about as inviting as an airplane toilet after its 250 passengers have contracted food poisoning—by sharing some good news with everyone. They have registered to adopt and are renovating their house to fit in one more bedroom. The momentary joy for the mommas is obliterated when Jenny stridently objects to the noise and inconvenience a construction site will encumber her. Before Jenny can successfully complete yet another grandiose exit, Shane implores her to talk to her and work their problems out. Jenny, true to form, shoots her down. At this point, Alice is sagely circling the air with her index fingers, evincing “The Black Hole…”

Outside Jenny and Shane’s house, Shane is reprezentin’ for Bill & Ben the Flower Pot Men: Shane is planting herbaceous perennials in another attempt to curry favour with Jenny. Max and Tom arrive from Max’s tool-shed abode in the garden and encounter Shane.

I can’t quite tell if Max is paying homage to Charlton Heston’s Moses or if he has exceeded his transition by becoming one of the Brothers Gibb. Either way, the hirsute looks he’s sporting tells us not merely that he’s going for his final consult, but probably a back, sack and crack wax as well.

In the boardroom of Tina’s production company: Marketing execs are peddling “Lez Girls”, now renamed “The Girls”. The film poster is a boy-girl lover’s embrace with teeny-tiny photographs running along the bottom for each of the formerly leading characters.

Exec #1: Boy meets girl. Boy almost loses girl to girl.
Exec #2: But in the end the audience wants love to prevail.

Aaron has been keeping Tina in the dark on the new direction of the film and serves her an ultimatum:

Aaron: Get on board, Tina. The train’s not going to lezzietown.

Faculty meeting in CU: The great and good of the art faculty are cooing over the positive write-ups Jodi’s recent vengeful installation, which showcased Bette’s deceit, has received in various art journals. The journals have dug deeper into the meaning and raked over Bette’s professional life. Wow, Jodi’s revenge is the kinda gift that keeps on giving. Couldn’t Jodi have just left Bette with a nasty venereal disease like any other burned ex? I guess it wouldn’t have had the same professional fallout as subjecting her to her artistic gaze.

Max-imum chaos: Max is going for his final consult before surgery. Unfortunately, his hormone reports have picked up a problem. Can you guess what it is? Bingo! Max and Tom may be monogamous but Max is still pregnant. An unplanned pregnancy and Max’s long-awaited surgery is delayed. Sing it with us, Max: #“When your surgery’s gone and you’ve a baby bomb, It’s a TRAGEDY!”

Meeting’s over in CU: Bette has managed to endure the entirety of the meeting. Before she can leave, Jodi seizes the opportunity to lash another spear of passive-aggression at Bette. A colleague asks Jodi quietly about Bette’s response to the much-lauded “Core” work. However, without the help of her assistant, Tom (who has popped out to reply to a “Call me as soon as you can” message from Max), Jodi struggles to understand the question. It falls on an uncomfortable Bette to translate. But Jodi doesn’t let Bette off without another sliver of public humiliation and replies:

Jodi: I don’t know [To Bette] How did you like the show?

Bette stares back at Jodi, looking as if she may actually generate steam from her ears. Bette brushes aside the question, and seeks to reassert her professional authority over Jodi by demanding a meeting with Jodi. But Jodi isn’t done playing yet and fobs Bette off with vague excuses of being busy with other plans.

Phyllis’s office: Having felt sufficiently humiliated both personally and professionally, Bette is accompanying Phyllis back to her office to discuss Jodi’s escalating obstinacy. Oh but Bette’s morning o’ horrors does not end there because as Phyllis opens the door to her office, Joyce pops out from behind a plant like a naked jack-in-the-box:

Phyllis: Joyce, cover your junk!

Bette recoils from the office, gasping “we’ll reschedule”. Indeed, Bette. Reschedule to a date when you’ve had time to erase the trauma from your eyes. Preferably, with industrial floor cleaner and whatever household acids you can lay your hands on. Phyllis is attempting to scold Joyce for dropping by “buck nekkid” but is silenced when Joyce pops the question! Joyce has arranged for Gavin Newsom to perform the ceremony on the steps of City Hill in San Francisco. Interestingly, Joyce requests Phyllis’ hand in “Holy Matrimony”, which is an unexpected proposition from a lesbian divorce lawyer. Phyllis at first protests that she doesn’t want to get married again but in the blinding refracted light of the four-carat engagement ring, and the fact that the passage of Prop 8 will shortly annul the marriage anyway, she says “Yes”.

Therapy session #1: While Phyllis and Joyce are revelling in their newfound engagement, Tasha and Alice are working through their issues with therapist, Dan Foxworthy (Does his name ring a bell? It was he who previously therapised Bette and Tina):

Foxworthy: Who wants to tell me why you’re here?
Alice: Oh, we’re just here for a tune-up.

Dan repeatedly attempts to engage Tasha in the session but in spite of the chasmic distance between Alice and Tasha on the couch, Alice still manages to interrupt before Tasha can get a single word in. Finally Dan shushes Alice just long enough for Tasha to give her slant on the reasons why they broke up the previous week. Alice rolls her eyes incredulously but unconvincingly so we know that Tasha has proferred a spot-on summary of the faults in their relationship:

Foxworthy: Why do you think Alice told you [about wanting to kiss another woman]?
Tasha: I think that she told me because she wanted to break up with me. And bringing this woman between us was the easiest way to do that. She knew how I felt; she knew that I would break up with her. And when I did, she got scared. And that’s why we’re here.

Max’s bad day continues: Max arrives at a family planning clinic to terminate the pregnancy. The receptionist thinks that Max’s presence is some kind of joke and threatens to have him removed from the building. Losing patience, Max blurts:

Max: I’m an FTM transsexual, alright?!

While the receptionist is still attempting to compute the information, Max turns to the snickering group in the waiting area:

Max: “Yeah, that’s right! Take a good look! I’m a man and I’m pregnant! It happens. Don’t you read the fucking tabloids?! [To receptionist] Can I have my appointment now please?

Jenny and Shane’s house: Jenny is busy writing the same sentence about she seems to have been writing since breakfast in The Planet. Outside, Shane is undertaking yet another act of atonement by washing Jenny’s car. Not a wet t-shirt in sight but on the plus side, if Jenny holds out for long enough she might get a few weeks of laundry and construction of a veranda out of Shane.

Over in Foxworthy’s den: Alice and Tasha appear to be doing much better and are now facing each other and making promises to one another to try and get their relationship back on track. Alice and Tasha seem genuinely pleased with their progress and even request homework from Foxworthy. Foxworthy drops a bombshell on them though by telling them that he doesn’t believe they should remain together as they have so little in common.

Leaving their appointment with Foxworthy, Alice is ranting:

Alice: I mean, what the fuck? We spent 55 minutes with this guy. I mean, where does he get off?
Tasha: I told you. Therapy’s bullshit.
Alice: It’s bullshit!

Well, if nothing else, they now have an aversion to therapy in common. Alice hops into her Mini, and Tasha collects her motorcycle helmet from the car. Upset by Foxworthy’s dismissal of their relationship, both look dejected and go to give each other a kiss goodbye, which turns into a kiss hello as Tasha clambers into the Mini as well. Looks like they weren’t done ‘reconnecting’ up in Foxworthy’s office and a steamy session takes off in Alice’s car. It’s not only extremely arousing; it’s downright impressive to be pulling those moves in a Mini Cooper!

Panic in the clinic: Max is marching down a corridor of the clinic, looking to leave when Tom arrives, apologising because he couldn’t get there any sooner. Max has just found out that he is four months pregnant and therefore abortion is not an option. Tom is bewildered and Max is furious. Tom is asking how it happened, Max responds by yelling:

Max: I don’t know [why my doctor didn’t tell me this could happen]. Maybe she didn’t think I was stupid enough to let some faggot fuck me.

The two begin arguing and shoving each other and eventually Max sends Tom to the floor with a swift knee to the crotch, the severity of which is likely to ensure no further surprise pregnancies. Beleaguered, Max drops to the floor too and both look exasperated and thoroughly unprepared for what lies ahead.

How do I love thee? Let me list the ways: Alice and Tasha are now writing up a list of pros and cons. It’s a model Alice adopted from her mother who used it to determine the fate of all of her marriages. Tasha questions the credibility of using a device which culminated in a succession of divorces.

Alice: Well, she had very successful divorces.

As Alice begins to write delineate the “Pro” and “Con” sides on the list in different coloured pens, Tasha immediately interjects:

Tasha: Hold up, why “Con” gotta be black though?
Alice: It’s not a race thing. It’s just, um … red is happy. Red is, like, “Pro.”
Tasha: No, red represents the devil.

To which Alice inserts “Colour Weirdness” under the “Con” list.

At an exhibition opening: Bette and Tina are at the opening of a private collection, held by an unknown but very wealthy private collector, Kelly Wentworth. Bette is in art connoisseur mode and comments that the “work is good but the show is uneven”. Tina playfully acts the cultural ignoramus and points at a piece, remarking, “this one’s weird”. Bette enquires about the identity of the mystery collector from a fellow art enthusiast. He dishes the scandal: She’s a recently divorced and—consequently—newly minted millionaire. Wentworth’s ears must have been burning because she appears beside them to fill in the gaps in the gossip. Wentworth introduces herself to Bette who makes pleasant small talk complimenting her on the show. It turns out that Kelly Wentworth is actually Kelly “Juicy” Freemont, Bette’s college roommate. And the two shared a brief kiss which sent Juicy into:

Bette: …such a deep and abiding homosexual panic that ["Juicy"] moved out of the house immediately.

Kelly misses no opportunity to flatter Bette, much to Tina’s chagrin, and Kelly’s eyes are locked on Bette throughout the exchange. Hmm, perhaps there is more to this story than a two-second kiss twenty years ago. Will Bette stray again? Bette just about remembers to introduce Tina, which is difficult to believe because I’m watching this scene, expecting Barnum & Bailey to come crashing through the door since Tina has evidently stolen their tent and is now wearing it as some kind of poncho-cum-dress.

Lists and lists and lists: Alice and Tasha have successfully documented all of the pros and cons of their relationship but the cons are clearly outweighing the pros. In an effort to skew the findings to their favour, Tasha introduces a points system:

Tasha: Okay, let’s say this: “Doesn’t cook with pepper ever” should get two points and “Is spontaneous”, ‘cos I really appreciate that about you, [Alice spontaneously spanks Tasha eliciting Tasha’s fantastic and adorable laugh.]  will get like eight points.
Alice: That is so smart. I’m going to write down “Is smart”.
Tasha: How many points?
Alice: Oh, nine. I’m gonna put nine. Oh yeah, the pros are so winning now!

Re-balancing the list may be the last ditch effort to save the sinking ship but you can’t help but root for Alice and Tasha to make it because there is something so endearing about their rapport.

Showdown at the Millionaire’s Art Museum: Tina and Bette are moving to leave and approach Kelly who is exchanging phone numbers with a young artist, which judging by the heavy flirtation is more akin to arranging bidniz than business. Kelly doesn’t miss another opportunity to insinuate that Bette played around a lot in her youth:

Kelly: We have to make a plan. Lunch, dinner, whatever… I really want to pick that brain of yours.
Bette: Yeah, well, the first thing I would tell you is not to sign artists that you want to fuck.
Kelly: That comes from firsthand experience?

A conversation over Bette and Tina’s shoulders has piqued their interest. It is the sycophantic lauding of several art pundits over Jodi’s recent work. Jodi grins and looks affectionately upon her adorers, with new ladyfriend in tow. Tina grants Bette leave to confront Jodi about Jodi’s persistent unresponsiveness to the many requests for appointments issued by Bette’s assistant. Bette issues a warning that Jodi has “until tomorrow” to see her, or else. Or else what, you may ask? Unfortunately, the audience is left in the dark on that point as we cut back to Tina and Kelly. Kelly is telling Tina about Bette’s illustrious varsity career as the campus lesbian Lothario.

Of all the Hit clubs in all the world…: Alice is failing to understand how Helena and Kit’s “No alcohol. No sex. All business” pledge is in any way enjoyable. Helena protests that she stil has the occasional drink and even sex, from time-to-time. As if divined by these words, one such former conquest of Helena’s is spotted by Alice on the dancefloor. Dylan (Alexadra Hedison) from series 3 is grooving as “the filling in the lesbo sandwich”, as Alice puts it.

Tasha: That girl used to be straight (Your surprise is not misplaced, Tasha. We all pondered on that question too).
Alice: Well, she wasn’t gay back when she was fucking Helena.

While Kit and Alice are freaking out about the apparition of Dylan, Helena maintains that she is fine about it. Which is completely understandable considering Dylan extorted Helena for sexual harassment and her personally and professionally.

You, me and baby makes three: Max is letting off steam by blasting the holy hell out of pixel-based nasties in a videogame when Tom stops by. Tom has called over to apologise for the way he reacted and to talk to Max about the prospect of having a child and raising it together.

Tom: “Don’t you want to be a couple of West Hollywood fag Dads?”

They cuddle and make up:

Max: I’m sorry I kicked you in the balls.
Tom: I’m sorry I knocked you up.

Awwwww, you guys. Cute!

Back from the gallery and having a good old-fashioned bitching session: Tina is impersonating Kelly Wentworth’s fawning over Bette and doesn’t miss an opportunity to impart Kelly’s earlier revelation that Bette was a college player. Bette denies it, citing that Kelly was too busy getting jiggy with every male college professor on campus to have noticed who Bette was or was not doing. Tina is good-natured but needs to probe a little deeper. She says that she is not going to be the one to tell Kelly that Bette is off the market. Tina then points out that Bette needs to flirt, that it feeds her like blood for a vampire. Oops, perhaps not the best simile Tina could have chosen but how-and-ever, Bette then obfuscates the matter:

Bette: You need to trust that I know who I am, and I know what to do with it.

Hmm, we don’t really know what that means. But it’s okay because neither does Tina. The conversation ends there, as Bette slips a hand up Tina’s dress and Tina pins Bette to the bed while fetters of clothing fall around them. Very, very hot.

Hitting out: Alice has taken to her feet and is marching purposefully over to Dylan. She shoves Dylan and as Dylan turns around, Alice is completely ready to serve Dylan with a “How very dare you?” monologue when something hilarious happens: In Alice’s over-zealous pursuit of protecting her friend’s dignity, she becomes completely flustered and utters not a single intelligible word:

Alice: I mean, come on… The hair! The hair… and the documentaries!?
Dylan: Uh, I…
Alice: It’s… like… my… not… Gay?!?!?

Alice will no doubt be haunted by staircase wit later on but thankfully, Helena has arrived and Tasha is shuffling a still-sputtering Alice off the dance floor. While Dylan asks Helena, if they can talk, Alice is filling Tasha in on the shameful exploits of Dylan. Dylan tells Helena that she is indeed now gay (forgive us for not dropping to our knees in astonishment), and that she has never stopped thinking about her. All the while, Helena listens but with the all the fervour of an octogenarian at a Miley Cyrus concert. Helena then offhandedly but politely invites Dylan to stay and enjoy her club with her friends. She then sashays away with Pellegrino in hand, leaving Dylan looking crushed.

Alice:…And [Helena's] mother gets stung by a jellyfish! All because of this woman [gestures at Dylan].

Helena rejoins Alice and Tasha and sits motionless while Alice briefs Tasha on the trials and tribulations of Helena Peabody from 2005 to date. Seeing Dylan make her way for the exit, Helena rises and follows her out to the parking lot. It seems Helena got a hold of what Alice was trying to say earlier and is now launching a full-scale verbal onslaught on Dylan. Helena even demonstrates another one of those prison moves when she slams Dylan into her car.

Dylan: Thank you. Now I know you care.

Careful Dylan or next time Helena might leave you with your jaw wired shut.

Shane knocking at Jenny’s door: Shane attempts to enter the house but Jenny has the door chained shut. Shane makes a beeline for her stuff and begins packing.

Jenny: So that’s it? You’re, you’re done trying?
Shane: I’m out. I don’t see the point with you anymore.

Well, it looks like Jenny will have to find some other persecuted soul to up that veranda for her then. For the first time in over a week Jenny talks to Shane, revealing that it was in fact Shane and not Nikki who broke her heart.

Jenny: I also realise that I’m in love with you.

Wuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaattttttt???!?!?!?!????!

Shane’s mind is clearly blown asunder and she reels on her feet for a few seconds before tentatively walking after Jenny. Shane embraces her and while we’re wondering what will happen next and hoping and PRAYING for them to remain bezzie mates, the inevitable happens with Shane in awkward romantic situations, and she kisses Jenny. And I reach for a basin, which I have renamed the “Shenny Bucket” and designated for the express purpose of taking care of my displaced dinners if these two insist on being all smoochyface.

I cannot wait to see what the rest of the L Wordettes have to say about this “least likely” Shenny development.

No related posts.